i need to blog, but i don't feel like it.

i really don't want to play in the recital - and no one can make me.

i have no clue why i woke up at 5 and can't get back to sleep.

it's cold in my room.

i need coffee.

but my parents moved the coffee machine to their room

*confused face*

'why?' - you ask... to annoy me probably.

back to bed....

i want to be able to play like, worship music.

for real though, for some reason or another i've never been able to do it. pj says it's because i don't have any patience for myself. i guess i have to agree. i don't like doing something i can't do... which means i'm not a very good student i guess... i feel sorry for pj. he knows i could do more, just as well as i do. and i don't. *sigh* i've got a headache.

2 really good sermons today - you shoulda been there.

speaking of being there - my parents were not. idk, i guess on one hand i know they were worn out and needed to stay home and "rest" but on the other hand, it's their fault they were worn out, and the odds are they'll be worn out next Sunday. i wish there was a bit more balance in our family. loi

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okay, so here's the deal - I really don't care what notes i'm singing in youth choir, i mean sure i can hit the high ones but i've always been an alto because that's what my friends are and i can belt most of our songs. loud. lol, but now pj is putting anna in the soprano section and i don't want her to go... i don't want her to end up like amanda. i have nothing personal against her (w/ the exception that she might have lied) and i don't want to mess up our relationship.

but then again, next year is her senior year, so it will be her last, and do i really want to change parts when i've got 2 more years?

idk, it would spread the altoids out a little, chels and lizz on the alto side and me and anna on the soprano... but i have a feeling it would just make it worse and I would most likely be accused of moving because i condone anna's behavior... idk, i'm just gonna have to pray about it.

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i have a hard time praying about things i don't want the answer too... like as much as i want us all to be great friends again i don't want God to tell me to do anything that could put my relationships on the line - and i have a strong feeling that he would.

i think that the more i get to know God, and the more i trust him; the more i hear him, which ultimately comes down to me needing to do certain things... or even knowing things other people don't and not knowing what do w/ that knowledge.

it's tough.

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i need to buy a bible. i can't write in cason's and i like to be able to know "where i've been" in it, and what i gained.

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peace.

I've got approximately 30 minutes before my meds kick in.

I don't really have anything to type about... other than i'm sooo tired and I'm glad Cohen's babysitting tomorrow instead of me. Don't get me wrong - I love my cousins... But they can give me the worst headaches. [especially when he's throwing baseball bats at my head]

luckily he missed.

then he went and sat in his room w/out his remote for 30 minutes.


it kills me how much people have changed.... when I was 6 I was lucky to get to watch the news w/ my Dad. Now my 6yr old cousin has a tv/vcr/dvd player and a v-smile mounted on his wall.

lol

I've got a tv now... but it doesn't come on unless i'm entertaining kids for the 'rents.

or i'm stuck in bed doped up on Vicodin and Demerol.

His never goes off.

amazing.

I've been home for a full 30 seconds and already my Dad's yelled at me... I guess I caused it.... but still. Believe it or not I don't want his dirty hands all around my neck when he needs a bath and I'm in pain.

I slipped today... twisted my foot a weird way - hurt so bad I was crying.

I can't stand ccooper. I wish he would just stay away from me. Regardless of whether or not he knows he creeps everyone out he should still be conscious of the fact that it's a little creepy for him to walk into PJ's office just to watch me... *shudder*

mom's home.

don't know where she went.

she's back.

i took some meds... im goin to sleep.

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so last post when i got finished i was pretty upset w/ God...

basically, i wanted to feel.

well now i can't stop.

every time i see something sad, or get yelled at, or make someone mad, or do something wrong I fall apart.

i can't handle this, i hate it, i was better numb.

its much easier to wear a mask when your face is dry.

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in other news my parents have been at it all day, back and forth yelling and fighting.

my Dad's being a butt [big surprise] and it's raining and thundering and lightening.

my Mom just came out of her room crying, got her purse, and left.


it's never been this bad before... idk where she is, and it's supposed to start hailing. he's being such a jerk as of late... she always doing all kinds of crap for him and all he can do is yell at her. i hate it. i know "some people people have a hard time showing love" but this is ridiculous.

i just want to leave... i would if it weren't for my stupid foot... i cant run very far. i don't want to be here. my dad's sitting in his room, watching tv. i hate it. i would say i hate him but i can't, 'cause i'm not supposed to hate my father.

how much you wanna bet they just get up and go to church tomorrow and act like nothing happened? that is - if she comes home.

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A few hours ago I was seriously considering walking into Pastor Jason's office tomorrow and telling him I was going to stop playing the piano.

Not just stop lessons - but piano all together. I hate failing, I hate not being good enough. So I try my hardest and almost always succeed [i say almost because i can't type - or bowl]. Well over the past year or so I haven't gotten any better at playing... heck, I haven't even finished a song. I say I haven't practiced - but that's not true, I stand at that keyboard for hours working on the same measure, I keep telling myself "You must be doing something wrong" "Maybe if I pick a different song..." "Why can't I play that one stupid little measure???" "I've done this a million times before!!" etc etc etc.

And I don't know why. I hate it, as much as I love my lessons I hate walking in knowing that I'm not going to be able to play anything new. I hate not being able to be by myself and just spill my emotions out onto the keys... Piano was my outlet, I could sit in the sanctuary for hours playing... anything. It didn't matter what it was as long as it was in the same mood as I was. And now [quite suddenly] I can't do any of that... and I don't know why.

Anyways, having decided to quit I took a quick shower, and got into bed. Laid here for about an hour and a half and then realized I hadn't prayed at all today - much less read any. So I rolled over [very reluctantly I might add] and opened my mouth, "God..." and as soon as I did my eyes started to fill w/ tears.... I got chills all over. I sat up and I started to pray in tongues... for the longest time I just sat in my bed praying, not knowing what for.. or why, just praying. I finally closed my mouth and looked up.

"God, I'm here if you're looking for me... and I'm listening, you've broken me down to nothing, I'm empty - poured out all over my sheets. I don't have anything else... what could you possibly want?"

chills again.

If you know me you know I don't cry - unless necessary. But I couldn't stop, I wasn't even that upset, but tears were streaming down my face. Why don't I cry? you know? What's the matter w/ me, I know plenty of people who cry, and feel things, and have those awesome moments, and... idk, why not me?

Why don't I let myself open up and receive? Why isn't it okay for me to be exposed?

I've got all these unanswered questions... I feel like I can't relate to anybody - much less my own friends, I'm trying to help them w/ their guy problems, but on my end I'm hurting, I've got this constant ache inside me and I can't get rid of it. I don't know how. I'm supposed to be the one who "knows everything" man, I hate it when people say that about me.

I don't know how all this ties together.

And I don't know how it's going to end up.

I need help.

I don't know where to look, and I'd rather hide behind my makeup.

.peace.

ps, lately I've been praying about a current situation. God's been trying to tell me some things that allot of my friends aren't going to want to hear... unfortunately he didn't tell me who I was to tell, or vice versa, pray for me.

Easter - a day to get up and celebrate early call times.

lol, but no, it was a good day.

I always get serious and thoughtful during communion... I'm not sure why, but it's really turned into a very reflective and meaningful time to me. I love it.

That is, until MrsMichelle dumped over my juice and it ran all down the wall.

lol

I'm going to call Anna Cronin today and attempt to talk to her about Cory... I really feel bad for the boy - he's so nice and so getting taken advantage of.

Anna Cronin - I was always jealous of her.... skinny, tan, big bright blue eyes, tall, and constantly in a relationship - not to mention her voise, I would ill for any of my friends voices. But I guess I just grew out of the jealousy.


I might blog again later... I've got time.

.peace.