at this rate i'll be at 400 posts before i leave
and im not gonna lie - it makes me happy


i sort of had a breakdown last night, after we went to chili's. everyone was standing outside and people were starting to leave... i looked over at anna and she was tearing up. honestly, i dont know why she was upset, i mean, assuming the current circumstances - there could be a hundred reasons. soon after that i found myself lying on the pavement, staring blankly into the sky. everything just started coming at once, my father, chris, australia, seth... michelle. i dont know. i collapsed underneath it. i started crying... sobbing really. i didn't even know what to say. evan sat down beside and jsut started talking.. at first i was annoyed. i wanted to be alone. and then i realized how stupid that sounded. i was in chili's parking lot for pete's sake. evan was just trying console, to fix things. then he prayed for me, for peace.

i just... i need to leave
i know i need to leave
and i feel like i've been leaving
for hours, days, weeks even...

i feel like i'm repeating myself. i know i'm repeating myself.
i feel like im right where i should be in life.
but i also feel lost, and alone

maybe i should feel lost and alone.
maybe that's where God wants me...

He wants to be empty, and broken...
He wants to be my sole desire

im trying to let go

so... the dare?

background:

almost a month ago, upon realizing my intense crush on andrew bibb, grant dared me to kiss him. just the thought of actually trying to have a conversation with this boy scared the crap out of me. over the past few weeks i've gotten incredibly plugged into this group. this mesh of single people that always seems to end up hanging out every night.

andrew, was included in this group.

i say i've been trying to move him into big brother status.. and that's honest. i've tried. but my only motivation for moving him out of current crush slot... is he fact that evan says we're incompatible. ive been told not to listen to him... - figure it out for myself. so i am. the truth is that i really like him. i like that way he holds himself. i like the way he treats people - i like the way he loves people. and i know that no matter what he is always going to follow where God leads. always.

but anyway

the dare

so me andrew and evan are sitting at the bowling alley right? well...

evan brings up the dare, just casually. i kind of laughed it off...

-----

i dont think it's going to happen evan... ha

andrew looks kind of confused... "what dare?"

welllll... ya see... grant...

mmmm

grant dared me to kiss you before i leave

oh... i see

-----

and that's how this all started... and it ended?

at about 2am on the dock at lamb's lake...

i was standing across from andrew

next to evan, with anna and caleb off to the side

-----

you know what? i should just kiss him

andrew looks out onto the water.. with a smirk

i stepped forward.. slowly, and put my forearms on his shoulders

i then went in for this kiss... slowly

are you.. are you going to kiss me back?

well, you're already this close *smile*

so i kissed him, just a peck

and you know what? he didnt reciprocate

confused.. i start to step back... disappointed

start the timer he says

he put his hand in my back, and pulled me closer

he kissed me, hard, his other hand behind my neck

precisely 30 seconds later evan calls time

and i slowly stepped back to my spot

-----

caleb and anna looked astonished,

anna's mouth still open

it was intense.

edit://

im at justin's

this blog sucks

deal

caleb janney

i dont know what to say
this is your blog, right here


caleb, you're an incredible individual. you strive to be in God's will regardless of what's going on in your life. you're honest, and humble. you dont take crap from people.. and you dont play games. you're constantly asking for leadership, which is so a good thing. you are going to find that girl... there's an amazing young woman of God out there, who wants the same things you want. a lucky girl at that. you are so talented, and willing to learn. i take it as an honor to be your friend... your sister. over the past month or so, we've come to be quite the amigos. and regardless of circumstance,
im glad we did.

i really am going to miss you...

but im not lame

and im coming back retard

:)

chris judy, i dont know what to say to you... i dont know how to talk to you. i've never had this dilemma with you before, i've always told you exactly what was on my mind because i've never had anything to lose. but the point of this paragraph is that now i do have something to lose. something that i've basically already lost. chris, i do love you. i've grown to love you, as a close, intimate friend. a friend - i've never put you into my big brother category, nor my single guy category. so now, here i am. typing away because of a failed attempt at a cellular conversation. what are you to me? are you just a friend? are you something more than a friend? i don't want to give up this friendship. chris, i honestly don't know where all this is coming from. i'm so afraid of you getting married, and me growing up... and never talking to you again, that i don't want to have this conversation. you're dating anna, not only are you dating her? but you're talking about how you think God is heading in the direction of you guys getting married. paolo, i've never even met you. i've never had this thought about what would happen when all of this took place, i've never thought far enough into this relationship to see the end. i don't want it to end. and as many times as you can say it won't - i can say it will.. i know from experience that it will. and it should - should things progress in that manner. but chris, aside from our denominational differences i have nothing to hold me back from falling in love with you. im not talking about the way i love you right now, but a romantic love. the kind that keeps two people together forever. i may be totally in the wrong here... maybe im just not reading you right. but chris, i'm going to australia.

i can't leave this up in the air the way it is.
i dont even know if we would work together..

these are all new things to me
new thoughts

something to think about anyway

today has been a terribly wonderful, horrible day.

tonight was my last night at the door...
i cried for 57% of it



i called jason davis tonight.

i told him that i was leaving, and i would miss him... and that i didn't want him to think of me as "that bitch". he said that he doesn't... and that i "would be missed". whatever that means... then i said goodbye, hung up the phone, and called him right back.


-----

jason... im not very good at this phone thing

haha, no. you're not

jason, jason, i just.. i called, because i... i dont know why we broke up.. honestly. and i know, yeah - i have a lot of things i want to do in my life.. and a lot of places i need to grow. but i... i guess i just wanted to tell you that i still had feelings for you. and that i was going to miss you.. and.... and.. i dont know.

...

...

i, i dont really know what to say to that?

i know... and you dont have to say anything j. just know... that you were my first boyfriend, i learned a lot.. and i...

yeah i know.

and, well... i just, i just wanted to tell you that.

okay...

have a great night jason

you too


click

-----


and the problem is guys? in an effort to smooth things over.. in an effort to make things less awkward? in a small effort to reconcile and be friends. i made things so much more worse... six days. six days, and i fly to australia. what did i expect him to say? did expect for him to feel the same way? did i expect fireworks? i dont know. i dont know what i want, or where im going in life.. i just... i just dont know anymore.

i dont think that we could get back together.
i dont think we'll be together again.

but i also dont plan on ever moving completely on to the next thing. not that there even is a next thing. it's not like im pining for him.. begging for him to come back. i just, i felt like i needed to be completely honest and get everything into the open before i leave. and now it is. that day? in the tech room? i fell apart right there. i didn't even know that i was vulnerable enough to be hurt that bad by someone's words. the feelings that i had for him are still very much there. i dont know when they will subside.. i mean, it's not that big of a deal. i just, i know what that connection is now. that connection? the one everyone tells you about in sunday school... "when you have sex with someone it binds you to them forever" no.. me and j did not have sex. but intimacy (as stated before) is so much more than physical... but now, everything is out.. and i have nothing left to say.

it's over.

*breath of relief*

and just when i thought i had my mind and rest...

i received an email tonight, an email that got me thinking
intimacy is something to be treasured, emotionally, spiritually, physically
it's something that i'll hold on to forever, and its something i cant get back

-----

this post is mainly for timeline reasons... and i really need to go to bed now, but just know i'll sleep well, and i plan on having an amazing day tomorrow. tomorrow will be my last sunday at evangel temple before i go to australia, my flight leaves the 5th. everyday is up and down, from crying at the drop of a hat, to laughing with my hermanos, to just falling alseep is random places. i need to leave, i need to go to australia. i have no clue on earth why, but i do.

seven days

seven days...

going crazy much?

caleb, i'll blog about you soon,
i promise

im at justin's

im tired

im going to australia,

in 11 days

i think it's sinking in that im going to be gone... but it's taken it's sweet time to sink in and now i just feel broken. i feel broken, and lonely. i feel lonely and forgotten.. and i haven't even left. i feel alone.

Nate Schmitt: will not go to the park after 11

so.. what happens at the park after 11?

stuff.

.. okay?

youre so weird

i know, its one of my more endearing qualities

no.. not like unique weird, just weird

well, coming from you.. i guess ill have to take that assumption

okay kid..

kid? im like a pseudo-adult now

no, youre a kid

well if im a kid, youre a kid

no, youre wrong there... im far more mature, older, and life-experienced. youre just young and naive. im not the only one who knows this

... i never claimed any different, and as far as yourself? im not one to judge.


*hours later*

and nate... i love you man, and God wants to do great things in and with your life. but you have to get rid of this jonah persona. He wants you to be His david; a man after His own heart, and His john; the one whom He has loved. and i know this probably doesn't have a lot of merit coming from me.. but just know i've been praying for you.

-----

i dont understand how he gets under my skin so easily..

picture time pals :)
(and this is where i cruise the facebook and pick out photos to go with faces so years from now when i look back i can remember what i was thinking, and what i saw in these boys)

nate
asher
micah
andrew...
hmmm


i was told i need to just leave these "jackasses" (seth excluded) alone and go to australia. i'm trying very hard to move andrew from single guy category to big brother... but im failing miserably.

evan has officially regained his status,
congratulations :)

maia collins :)

time to spill, and i dont know where to start...


topics, people, places, situations, services, prayers, attitudes, God, life, moods, love, andrew, compassion, menthols, food, australia, humbleness, bible, tattoo, falcon, aids, anna; evan andrew caleb steven, piercing, parents, b(r)others, family?, runaway, plaid, vintage, candles...


*deep breath*

and this is why i haven't been here recently



asher moved to texas... he moved. i didn't know that i even liked him much until he left. but now im sure of it... the only thing is? i dont want the american dream, i don't want a 401k plan or an early retirement, i want passion, and i want adventure.. i want my dream, i want to live my life out without plans, or agendas. and i feel like if i dated ash seriously, then i wouldn't have that. nothing against him, of course. and i dont even know for sure what he actually wants, i just feel like im not good for him, i think he needs stability. and i also think that he's still in love with an ex. nate is off the list... well, one list. he's been downgraded from cute indie boy to complete douche bag. micah still keeps in touch, which is sweet. while yeah, no. i dont like him... i do like him as a friend, and he knows that, and repects that. which gives me hope for humanity. andrew... oh andrew. im envious of you, and that is why i want to marry you. im envious of your heart, your motivations.. your family, your writing, your new thoughts... but evan's probably right.. we're most likely not that compatible, but at least now i have a good idea of a good guy that i could actually be attracted to.


the door is becoming more and more like my home. i don't even go on sunday morning, most weeks. downtown is different, grant is amazing, worship is lovely.. and i just feel like i belong there. kirby pulled me aside tonight, and told me that she understands me... she's been here. and i dont know, i mean, i dont know what to take from that. a friend? i would love a good friend... still processing this one.

grant's told me i need to make some new friends.. girls my age that build me up and challenge.. versus ones that take everything i have, the ones im constantly pouring my into, yet seemingly reap nothing. i love my friends, dont get me wrong. i just feel like im always the one on the consoling side.. im being drained... ever so slowly.

ive have big expectations for australia. i need rest.. emotionally. this trip is something im doing completely for myself, i mean yeah... it's missions, and i will be giving of myself to people i have absolutely no clue of.. but all in a learning manner. im literally going to the other side of the world guys. and i know with all of my heart that God wants me there. regardless of justin mccains stupid comment about how "australia is the popular place to be as of late"... He wants me there for a reason, so i intend on fulfilling it.

sending out support letters tomorrow, pray for favor my loves


things at home are a bit rocky.. i feel like my parents took all their frustration and hopelessness and pushed their efforts into this trip. like they've gone from getting a divorce to co-writing my support letter in one weeks flat.

a week or so ago i had a major blow-up. i've told most of you guys about the incident, but i need to blog this for time-line reasons. i basically sat at the end of my fathers bed, as he was arguing with me over something incredulously trivial... and informed him that i had a hard time taking any kind of advice or direction from a person that didn't even know me. i went into detail.. story after story... i poured myself out, letting him know that not only was i "not his 'little girl'" but that i was my own person, who's made her own decisions.. and needs to be let go of.

i really shouldn't have taken it as far as i did...
but it was just too late. i was so upset.

after all that went down, i picked up the keys and left... i spent the night off and returned in the morning... to a broken mother and a bitter father. divorce or separation was his agenda... if only he wasn't in a wheelchair, it probably would've happened.

i have a theory about their relationship,
but that's another blog altogether.

im trying to stay awake until 3... 3am is the point of the morning where i catch my second wind. it's also the point of the night where i can leave my house.. drive around for a bit, and then crash at starbucks. i love to drive.. driving is my jam

so goodnight for now guys
i love you all

waiting

finally eighteen

now what?

when i blog on birthday i typically have something witty to write about...
lyric compilations, or deep thoughts from my inner soul.

not today

today is a day of thai food
a day to get a beautiful tattoo
and a day of possible piercing

today will be a day to remember.. no doubt
just, its just candid

food, fun, and coffee anyone?

*sigh*

waiting

said the customer to the barista:

you know, you're a very attractive young lady,
but those cigarettes... watch out for those wrinkles
have a good day

customer gets his drink
comes outside to leave

hey, evan doesn't smoke does he...?

no.. no way

but, you guys are.. are, like, together right?

ha! he's a decade older than me

oh... oh, oh, wow
okay, stop smoking georgia
have a good day

my eyes are open wide and,
by the way, i made it through the day
i watched the world outside and
by the way, im leaving out today

please don't cry one tear for me
im not afraid of, what i have to say
this is my one and only voice
so listen close, it's only for today

i just saw hayley's comet, she waved
said, why you always running in place?
even the man in the moon disappeared
somewhere in the stratosphere

tell my mother, tell my father
ive done the best i can
to make them realize, this is my life
i hope they understand
im not angry, im just saying...
sometimes goodbye
is a second chance



...

sometimes goodbye
is a second chance