no more.

:D

so, what if he had an affair with the babysitter?
what if he's an arrogant and prideful jerk,
hiding behind politeness and chivalry?

as far as im concerned,
my father has no right to judge.
because he's a totally different person
around people we know - vs - at home w/ us


so i take stab at it.



how long ago was that dad?
what if he's different now?

kaylin, you're being deceived.. and all that is in the dark, just covered up and until it's brought into the light you need to stay cautious. his girls are totally messed up from all that, and his wife had lots of personal problems because of that situation, that choice he made. he's an arrogant jerk. he tries to hide it all im sure... when ya'll are over there.

ditto daddy.


disclaimer: my father did not have an affair.
that i know of.

-----

as far as im concerned, idk... maybe im totally in the wrong but i'd rather have an exposed sinner; someone who's been humbled by there exposure.. than someone who everyone see to be perfect... and acts as though nothing's wrong, and covers everything up... just to go back and repeat the same hidden sins.

-----

just reread,
ditto self.

i cant say no,
im not good at saying no.
which is weird -
considering it only has, 2 letters.

so now here i am,
scanning photos...
lots and lots of photos.

coulda said no.

im tired.
yeah.



im like floating.
on tiredness.


randomm.

i'm a lover and a fighter,
a re der and a writer.

d rk chipped n il polish
a sh dow and a smile.

undefined; a bl nk.

i am a bl nk in the sense th t
nothing is truly everything,
and everything is nothing.

don't let me sit ne r a window;
i might never come b ck.

i like a good convers tion[alist].
det ils and rules make my d y.

i'm inw rdly cynic l,
and outw rdly n ive.

i cr ve truth.

i don't give off good first impressions.
when i'm nervous, i mix up my words.

i'm just a mess of ide s i've been exposed to
and t ke no responsibility for any
"cre tivity" i'm told i possess.

this is me, p rtially.
think what you will.

when i pick up my bible,
and/or when i pray,
i start to feel guilty...
like im only doing it
to get something out of God.
it feels wrong.

like im using Him.

just going through the motions...
expecting to feel complete.
i feel like im using God
to fill a void inside me.
and... i am.



i think it's a lack of desire,
to be close to God as a person.
but, i desire... desire.

-----

idk... im confused.
but still pondering.

not, a parking place.

:)

not allot going on..
it's a little weird to know grant'll probably read this.
just a little though.

mr ron brought me coffee,
he's a saint - ive decided.

talked to pj this morning...
he's cold, and.. distant.
make sense?

i think mrs michelle doesn't like me working at the church...
evidently she wanted to "apply for the job"
and was turned down..

she talks about how nobody likes her.
but i think she should man-up and get over it.
she sounds child-ish.


not like im one to judge...
but this is my blog.
so there.

whatever.. *shrug*
he asked me,
i cant help that.
and i like it.
so there.


lol, ttyl.

im moving,
to harris county.
i will be attending hchs for my senior year.


and im totally stoked.



-----

quick post...
not on my computer,
*sad face*

i apologize then.
i jump to conclusions.

I'm. sorry.

-----

anyway... I'm mobile.

-----

I'm learning to stop thinking... and just talk to god, usually my prayers are so thought out and cliché - and I'm sick of them, so I'm teaching myself to turn my thoughts off and just talk.. and I ramble on occasion, but its better to ramble to god than let my mind wander on othr stuff... right?

i want to write...
but i cant,
cause i left my computer,
at the church.


so now im stuck.



hmm...


G -
if you're reading this.
im sad at you.
for telling kirby...
i was a genius.
after, you promised you wouldnt.

like i forecasted,
it was a good day.

-----

i cant stop thinking about grant's question.
what did/do i want?

im not sure, i think i just want someone to understand me...
that i can talk to... or not talk to, but still get me.

but, i dont want him to feel obligated
-- just because i let him in.

and i dont want to trust him..
and then regret it.

oh, it makes my head spin
-- trying to figure myself out that is.

today, is a good day.

i know it.


:)

they can do whatever.
i will not be a mediator.
i am not a pawn to be used.

okay... so maybe thats a little harsh.
but still.

-----

i love starbucks, literally, love it. i was there today.. sipping chai and reading "blue like jazz"... [which btw, i also love] i think the reason i like this experience, is simply because i can people-watch, and read... at the same time, and i like it. :)


my hair is finally getting longer i think... i keep hoping one day i'll wake up and it'll have grown 6 inches... but alas, i fear that it's not possible.

im playing the drums... really, im doing it. :) it kinda scares me, how fast i'm picking it up that is... it makes me wonder -- if it's so easy, why dont more people do it? like, where's the catch..?


kyle says he's going to help me a bunch before he leaves.
grant asked me if i was going to kiss him before he leaves.

-----

i miss pastor jason. an awful lot.

if they're going to let her help... fine.
if not, can we just end this and move on?


i mean... really..
this whole thing is so small,
they've blown it out of proportion.


i asked her.
they said no.
she says yes.
they say,
"we'll get back to you"

faf is way to soon for
"we'll get back to you"s.

*end rant*

hot sauce is wonderful.
scales are not.

18 more months baby.

the more time i spend with him.
the more time i want to spend with him.

but i figure it's okay..
because he's leaving.
right?

*sigh*


it doesn't make sense.
wanting to like him..
it just doesn't connect,
in my head.


*deep breath*

'night.

723a

breakfast in bed..
how does that sound?

good.


but im not making anything for him.
...okay, so maybe i will.
but not because i want to.

:|

-----

1024a

back... right back.
why am i so addicted?
im back... falling right back.


like running in circles,
going no where fast.

ah, why does it feel so good then?

-----

1103p

few tears.

:)



andd... today i counted as a celebration.
which means i let myself give in.
tomorrow i had planned to start a 500 course.
but, i think ive talked myself out of it.