another year

another list

so... lets type :)

2009

this year i...

got my first tattoo

flew by myself, internationally

made it through dr davis' biology class

kissed three boys.. and one guy

had my puppy given away :(

sold my first car

didnt use nearly enough lip-chap

found out that i really like accents.. - kiwi

changed my mind, a whole lot actually

was in the news paper... gross

lost two great-grandparents

took a decent amount of photos

wrote my first essay.. first real essay

ran away from home.. twice

didnt take enough photos

went on my first blind-date... ha

started smoking cigarettes...

said a lot of things that i didnt mean

got my first non-ear piercing :)

drove the parents car into a brick wall

saw a lot of friends fall in love..

wrote one of my favorite things to read

almost slept with a boy.. a lot of times

watched a lot of movies on a dorm balcony :)

dated a guy 8 years my senior

fell into a terrible like with sushi and thai

used things against my parents, that they couldnt help

took my first pregnancy photos! :)

got really upset over minor things...

got called a bitch, by someone i cared about

kissed a boy.. on a dare

cried in the middle of a parking lot

uhm, went to australia for 5 months

told majority of my story to 31 people...

drank heaps of water

made my first mutually beneficial friend :)

found out that i really love my little brothers...

swam with stingers in the pacific

found a passionate reality

had a lot of d&m's.. and a few dtr's

spent heaps of time on the beach

started a long-distance relationship

actually started to like the beach

... and the relationship ended. miserably.

fell in love with jesus.. again

got drunk for the first time

bleached half of my hair.. yeah, just half

started to enjoy watching movies... crazyas

went without a cell for 5 months, weird

made myself sick to avoid hiking up a mountain

completed a discipleship training school

washed a lot... a lot a lot of dishes

rode in the back of a trailer.. like cows do

camped out for 2 weeks straight, in the outback

successfully dropped-in on a skateboard

... painted speed bumps in mt isa

gathered lots of native seeds

handed out red candies... er lollies

played with lots of children

made good friends

and a lot of other stuff...

guys, this year has been a full one

here's to 2010

*raises empty glass*

and im still too young to drink

christmas day

christmas at 6am

worked 8am - 4pm

grandparents after that

so now im sitting in the starbucks parking lot... which is fairly typical these days. im so incredibly blessed. christmas was amazing. i talked to cason about his past week at rto, inductive bible study week. i want to do the bcc now, more than ever. i made a comment to my mom about still having enough time to go back... but i couldnt. i want to go to australia, i miss it. i miss wednesday nights. i miss lectures and work duties. i miss deep conversations on a nightly basis. i miss so many people. kelsey is moving in with me very soon. my parents sign the lease on our new house tomorrow morning. headed to some garage sales in the am... and then taking my little brothers to the mall i believe... i love them so much. i am blessed beyond measure. i have an incredible family. every person is amazing in their own way... so different from each other, we are. but it works. it works.

im now the proud owner of an external hardrive

and 50 movies... from my mother

my wallet has a gotten a bit thicker, in due time

tomorrow i need to find some beds... haha

i miss australia.. more than i ever though i would

i could very well consume my thoughts if i let it

its starting to consume this post

ben is insane.

how do you fill in over 3 months of wordless-ness?

im scared to start

so i probably wont

here we go... free writing..

or whatever they call it

-----

skip outreach

skip graduation

skip the flights home

-----

kelsey is moving in with me in 3 weeks... and im sleeping in the dining room. weird. ive got to figure out something before she gets here.. hopefully my parents will before it comes to that.

i cant sleep. i havent been able to sleep in quite awhile... not until around 6 or 7 am. it sucks not sleeping. i dont have anything to do. not sleeping makes me want to go buy a pack of menthols and watch movies on the porch with justin.

addiction is sin. i am/was addicted to smoking cigarettes. i have several opinions about smoking cigarettes. but when it comes to my life, buying a pack of cigarettes is sin. if im offered one? if im a social setting having good conversation and being normal? i can smoke a cigarette. however, when i am bored - i tend to smoke packs. i shouldnt do that. its dependence. its not good for the soul. its running. its burning time/energy and other things. its not good for me on lots of levels. i got back into pipes in australia.

i really like smoking a pipe. its relaxing, enjoyable, and lovely. it makes a great conversation into a meaningful moment. i broke kelseys pipe in australia. i was very upset about it. too upset about it. i cant find my pipe here. ben didnt send me kelseys pipe... nor did he send it to kelsey. it makes for a sad day.

ben is from australia, hes a neat guy. we smoked pipes in australia, and had great conversations. then i left australia. and wednesday night walks dont happen anymore. and it gets me kind of down like whenever i think about it.

ive been in sad state since returning home. i miss friends, people, places, the weather... its all a very sad thing - leaving and all. i want to go back in january... i really do. but i talked it over with god and he says that im supposed to be here for a little bit. so i guess ill do that.

me and god are really tight. we talks lots about life... sometimes we talk about holiness. holiness is quite the conundrum for me as of late. i blame ben. he brought it up. do i want to be holy? do i desire to live a lifestyle worth the benefits of christian life? do i desire to be set apart? do i desire enough? do i care about and love the lost people around me enough to live a life to reap the benefits to sew seeds of longing to live the life that jesus lived into the lives around me?

the answer is no.

do i want to desire?

the answer is often yes

the answer is sometimes no

one of those lost people im referring to is jordan schlag... im her friend, and shes my friend. i spent a lot of time with her before i went to australia. i really like her, and she makes me laugh. jordan is not in a good place in her life right now. jordan gets drunk way too much, and gets high even more than she gets drunk. she loves jesus most days.. and she's going to heaven. but she has no desire to live a christian life. the christian life is seemingly filled with boredom, apathy, and regret. jordan does not like those things. jordan pours herself out into other people and places... shes looking for answer to a problem thats already been solved. but no one seems to be able to come up with the answer to why. why should she stop partying? shes going to heaven. why should she strive for a goal that essentially cannot be met?

why is so hard to find fulfillment in the journey? why is it so difficult for me as a person to convey fulfillment with life? am i fulfilled with life? no, not really.

this is quite a disheartening post i would say.

i need more words

words havent been enough for me lately... my words are weak. my words are small and insignificant in my eyes. i cant seem to find what im looking for. i cant seem to find what it is that im looking for. im not enough. ill never be enough for the people around me. so why am i doing this christian thing? why am i a christian?

im a christian because of relationship. i have a relationship with god, my creator, my father. he does "give me strength" and i "rest in him" and all the other cliche christian phrases you could think of.. those things do actually happen. but what about when i try to tell other people that? what about when those answers arent enough for other people? what about when the way i live my life is fine for me but not fine other people? what about when this "leading by example in relationship" thing becomes instead a "personal view" or my "individual right"?

what about when i dont even know what im saying anymore and 4am and im just typing meaningless things again? rinse and repeat guys... rinse and repeat...

i just want to be a stoner and in amsterdam

i just sound a lot more depressed than i actually feel right now. im just really tired and should sleep a whole lot more than i do. i would just rather be on skype talking to people... filling my time and not being so boring.

i really need to write
i just dont have any inspiration..
except for basically my entire life, day to day

haha
hmmm

quick(er) shallow(er) update than usual:

God's called me back here... to do a BCC (biblical core course)
i'll be spending 5 months of my life studying the word inductively
mmmm - intense much?

im trying to decide about going home for christmas

pros:
i get to be home!
i can share my heart with my community
i can encourage others to pursue the father... by example
christmas is kind of a big deal
i get to see connor!
fundraising is so much easier from home


cons:
the plane ticket itself would pay for half my school fees
i'd only get to be home for 4 weeks... tops
i would have to say my goodbyes.. again
i cant logically justify the money issue...


but, God isn't usually a God of common logic, eh?


pray for me... im making this decision by friday
i have a meeting with registrar tomorrow afternoon


this BCC thing is intense...
and right after school we go on an outreach
the outreach is basically us, teaching people how to study the bible and teaching third world pastors how to disciple their congregations...

and my heart turns violently inside my chest
i don't have time to maintain these regrets
when i think about, the way.... He loves me

i know who i am
and i know what my purpose in life is
most of all, i know... i know that i know that i know

that im in God's will
and that He approves of me

i'll set, you as a seal...
upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm,
for there is love, that is as strong death
its jealousy demanding as the grave

and i know
that im happy today

i dont really have a plan for this post...

so lets wing it

God is doing so much in my life right now its ridiculous... im learning to trust and lean on Him like i never knew that i could. i know these last few posts have kind of been a downer, but forgive me - its my vent.

australia is lovely... and the people here genuinely love Jesus and want to "seek and save the lost" you can just tell that "knowing God and making Him known" is the common goal here.

DTS is different than i expected.. they're literally taking us through a program to build us up in God - by means of cleaning out our souls... lol. everyone needs a firm foundation to start eh? every week is a new topic.. and every friday we have "ministry time". they're really big here on "confessing your sins to one another" and being "inter-dependent"... and sharing each others burdens. which i'll be the first to admit... isnt my personal forte. this community thing can really mess with me at times.

anyway, each friday most of the class has gotten up and shared their deepest darkest issues... crying and confessing... getting things out of their life and relinquishing any kind of foothold the enemy could get on them... people are being totally transformed, renewing of minds and all that jazz... its really incredible.

but then there's me... who had yet to go up...
i honestly just didnt feel like God wanted me to
until this past friday... oh lovely conviction


on thursday we finally hit our topic hard.. Steve Aherne (director of ywam australia) dove right into the father-heart of God... i could feel in my spirit that it was finally going to be my turn... and i waited anxiously all afternoon... praying that God would give me words. the subject touched on "hating the design" or, self image... he also talked about the way we all deal with pain... whether you're "rejected" or "rebellious"... and how you cope with change or hurt - the whole teaching just kept bringing things to mind from my childhood, and through my teens... but knowing full-well that i had been forgiven, forgave others, and that i had dealt with all that junk... i didnt think it would be an issue

boy was i wrong

God told me that He would "give me words" when i stood up in front of my group on friday... He told me not to worry.. everything would work out, trust Him.

and i did

the next thing i know half of the room is crying... the people i've gotten closest too were doubled over just weeping for me.. as i told bits and pieces of my story all of that pain came back... as i looked around the room into the eyes of people that i knew had been hurt in similar ways my heart broke for them... i could barely talk and i stumbled through my sentences... finally looking back to steve for affirmation. he was crying. i continued... pressing into my spirit and baring my soul in front of my brothers and sisters. the words just kept coming.. from up to down... to completely lost in the pain of the entire room. i collapsed into a chair that steve pulled out for me... and he began to pray. he looked up, and asked me if he could just hold me... scared to death i asked him not to... and my school leader Adriel wrapped me up in her arms. i fell apart, we just sat in the center of the room crying for what seemed like hours. steve quietly whispering words of comfort into my ear. then, pulling my chin up to look me in the eyes he said "kaylin, i want to stand in the gap, i want to be the man to stand up and ask for your forgiveness... kaylin, forgive me for the hurt and pain i've caused you.. will you forgive me?" i broke. if i wasnt already in shambles then that was the last straw...

i was shaking, adriel still wrapped around me...

yeah... yes, i can forgive you


and that was it..

i was sent to another room with my oneonone and a few other staff for prayer... i feel like God isnt done with my crap yet, but im continuously working towards complete healing.. but i know that'll come in God's time - not after, and not before. overall im glad God sent me up there friday... there are so many hurting people out there... people that relate, and people that understand. i am not alone. im growing. im healing. im completely whole in Him.

God has forgiven me for hating His creation.. and He's forgiven me for making a catastrophe out of his clay... and all i want is to do what He wants.. i want agenda to be His... i want His plan... im developing a hunger for His word.. and a thirst for His love and voice.

im in the right place

... im in the right place

ive been praying for God's conviction


i think i might be psycho


but

Jesus told me that i have to drink water
... a lot of water

Jesus also told me that i have to start flossing my teeth
... every stinking night

and finally
Jesus told me that i could never smoke another cigarette
... for the rest, of my life

*deep breath*

i can do this
i know i can

im overjoyed... because i felt like God has been trying to convict me of something for a long time... and i didn't know what it was, turns out - i have to floss my teeth? lol... i think He's telling me i have to keep my mouth clean. nicotine doesn't help with sharing His word in foreign countries.

so im about to go to sleep... with a clear conscience, a clean mouth...
and a heavy heart

here's where i am with andrew


... and i feel like im betraying something inside of me by writing this all out. but something else inside of me says that i have to get it out, before it tears me apart.

i feel like i need to give a little background info here... so let's start with this past week. Faith Dutton came this week to talk about relationships. note: this is five days after me andrew became.. well, no more? eh. note: relationships week was supposed to be week 7... but for some reason it got moved up. Faith Dutton talked all week about trusting God, and all about her husband... note: Faith's husband's name? Andrew. note: i thought about God and Andrew all week long.

okay, so. sunday morning (7 days ago) i told God that i would give Him three weeks to speak to me about this whole andrew situation... i honestly dont know what to think. andrew's spirit is telling him that this was it... this was all our relationship would/will ever be.

there's only one problem...

ive said from the very, very beginning that i didn't want to get too attached without God's approval - and He gave it me, full force. now why... why would He tell me one thing when the end result was going to be contrary? in reality.. there are tons of reasons for God to do this, namely being a test of trust, a test of dependence... or a just a test - period. i mean, on one hand, im being entirely objectionable... and that's the hand that thinks this could all be a test..

but on the other hand? ... i was there, i was there and i was with andrew. i was there with God when He told me it would all work out for the good of those who love him. i was there... begging God to take andrew away if it wasn't long term... i was there and doubted when andrew told me it would work out. i was in my bunk when i read that andrew was in it for as long as God said. i was convinced and overjoyed when i finally felt the same way - it took me so much longer to trust. it took me so much longer than andrew, to believe that this "thing could work out"...

and now, this?

its almost ironic

anyway... i told God that i would wait 3 weeks... take 3 weeks to pray and just open myself up to anything God was trying to tell me... guys, i honestly want God's best. im totally and completely willing to stake anything i had/have with andrew on that. God's not going to leave me out to dry. so... 14 days left.

the plan was not to talk to andrew at all... but he emailed me and we've talked a little. not much. i just really want God's clear concise word on this one. i love andrew, i know i could the rest of my life with andrew... but not if God doesn't want that.

and quite frankly - it takes two to tango

so... where is andrew in all this?
has he moved on completely?
does this even cross his mind?

i have no clue

i trust You God...
i trust You

i dont know exactly where i am in life

i only know that where i am in life is exactly where i need to be
i know that where God wants me to be is in Townsville Australia
bottom bunk, by the window, flat #8... ingham road

i know that God has a reason for me being here
if only for learning that i don't have to know what the reason is
sure, i hope He has a bigger reason, but i can accept that

God knows what He's doing... my Dad knows His plans for me... and im seeking Him with my whole heart, and holding on to His word in the respect that He will reveal Himself to me. He is revealing Himself to me


i don't know what's going to happen with andrew... from what i gather? nothing. i dont want it to be that way, i want to be with him. i want to be able to look forward to his emails... i want to get to know him on so many other levels. i want to comfort him, i want to be a source of safety for him.

i ask God all the time... what now God? cut my ties? end communication? what do i do now? - and what does God say? patience.


the problem is, i told God that He could have anything He wanted... last week i even went as far as to say that if for some reason i wasn't surrendering everything to Him; if i wasn't seeking Him with the drive and recklessness that He deserved; if i was in any way, form or fashion putting anything ahead of Him... then He had every permission from me to take it. God, your will - not mine. i didn't know how dangerous that would be until i found myself in my bunk... reading an email from seth.

"all relationships aren't meant to be endless"
"this thing we've become has served it's purpose"
"below the self-appointed image of drivenness and independence that you tend to step into, you are someone who cares for people, loves God passionately, and yearns to know him deeply. You are willing to stake everything on his leading, not really caring about the consequences, only caring about His approval. You have it; I can see it"



if all of that is true...
if i really am doing everything i can to be in God's will...

then why do i feel as though im being punished?

why do i feel guilty? why do i want a cigarette?

i quit smoking
i don't smoke anymore

but was that just for andrew? is that something i want? i dont think it was, or is. i dont think that's Gods best for me... i dont know what is His best for me but for some reason i dont see that fitting into the current plan.

God show me your next step, thank you for bringing me here... thank you for your grace and blessing... i dont know where i'd be without You God. continue to grow this hunger for Your word in me Lord... yeah God, just continue this work You've started in me. your word says that you dont start things without ending them... and i dont plan on flaking out anytime soon. you know me God, and you know im here... youre speaking to me God... i could never thank you enough God.. this is so completely trivial. i feel so stupid blogging to You. i just want people to know you God. i want everyone in the world to feel this love and security that i have. even not knowing what the hell i'll be doing six months from now.. even not knowing what i'll be doing tomorrow - i have a peace about it. i have a peace in You Lord... i trust You

God, i trust You

do i believe in coincidence?

grant i need to sit in your office

i need to talk and sort things out

i need to talk to someone who knows me

i cannot stand introducing myself.. i cant stand the fact that no one knows my story, no knows where ive come from - and what ive been through to get here... i need confirmation on some things... and and im just. im..

and i just, im at the weirdest place of being completely secure in God's will - and being homesick. im slowly coming to the realization that even if i could come home for the weekend... even if i could go skateboarding with connor, or smoke a cigar with caleb - i wouldn't be happy. i wouldn't feel the fulfillment i feel right now. im trying to align my desire with God's... i want so bad to be lost in Him to the point of not caring what i leave behind or where i go...

God is showing me so many new things about myself, and about His character. i love Him grant, and i'll get rid of anything that could possibly hinder me from getting to know Him or His plan for me... g.. God is testing me in the area of loving people - and trusting Him with everything and everyone i care about...

i trust Him grant, i do...

im crying

i can't believe i've only been here a week..

it seems like forever


i feel like i've known some of these people my entire life. and it can only get worse from here, eh? this commune thing is flat weird. but i love it. well, im starting to love it. basically, i live... everyday, in this secluded group of people. we eat, pray, study, sleep, adventure, run, exercise, and just about anything else you can think of - together. it's literally a family. one big Jesus loving family. everyone works for the good of the group. not one is selfish or greedy....

i need to write more, but i should sleep

tomorrow maybe?

hey guys

im in bed late at night...
thought i'd give a brief synopsis of the past few days...


airports:
are lovely.. i love them. i met a lot of really cool people. we just talked about what we were doing in life.. what we were trying to accomplish, what our plans were.... that kind of thing. it was really cool - i think because, in airports, everyone is going somewhere... they all have some kind of determination to get to another place. some were going with just a ticket and a backpack.. whereas some had lifelong plan in their head... and a suitcase-cart full of possessions... i love airports.

flying:
is horrid. i hated it... i felt like i was confined, i felt like i needed to run. my longest flight was 12hrs and 20 minutes... i sat in a aisle seat... with a screaming 2yr old just to my left. the other flights (while quieter) were just stuffy, i felt like i was breathing fake air... it was a very suffocating experience, to say the least.

leaving:
wasn't too bad. that last night with the group was easily one of the best to date. we've grown so close over the last few months.. it was hard knowing that i was leaving that safety net, but at least i went out with a bang... (literally, Independence day) from smoking cigars with caleb and seth... to watching anna and ryan try to light themselves up with fireworks... it was nice.

andrew:
is an incredible man of God
is patient, yet strong-willed
is seeking God's will before all else
is becoming a lot more than a crush
is adorable, but humble
has his moments...

as the first post since the week of 'meeting' seth,
i have quite a few things i want to remember.
although... im sure it would be quite hard to forget

i want to remember, staying out so late that we went for breakfast, and lying under braveheart rock. i want to remember traipsing around base with him, learning about his life... where he works, sleeps, and finds solace. i want to remember him hugging me tighter than i've ever been held, and feeling vulnerable yet incredibly safe. i want to remember lying on the golf course... and getting 'eaten' by grass at lambs lake. i want to remember falling asleep on the hood of camry... and waking up to the sunrise in his front seat... i dont want to forget any of that week.

i dont want to forget our conversation about when he would propose... "it will be at least a year.. my dad says you have to be able to see a girl in evry season first"... or how long until i was okay with having a baby. definitely not forgetting our plans to backpack across italy, and save the prostitutes in russia. i dont want to forget when i cried in zaxbys parking lot, and he wiped my tears, "if it wasnt worth the wait, then it wouldnt be this hard", he said. ill never get rid of his sweatshirt.. which is currently being used as my pillow... gunshot holes and all.

i dont want to forget any of this,
but i cant wait to make more memories with this boy.


... more about ywam to come
im drifting to sleep
dreaming

I have no clue what to blog about.. i've been thinking about it for a few hours. I think the blog might have to take a break for awhile. I might actually replace it. Instead of just posting nonsense in nowhere – I think i'll post some kind of sense to Andrew... I know I need to take time when I write him back. I don't want to put half of my effort in here.. and half in there, and then have two dissatisfied readers. I'm trying to put myself into everything I do, all of myself.

So sick of this plane

I will keep posting here,
and i'll still be around facebook
don't worry about it...

I just, wanted to say I wouldn't post as much
because as I sit here with his holy military-issued jacket across my lap
I really... I just... I want this andrew thing to work
I really, really like this boy


and I want to be genuinely transparent
and then he can choose... I did warn him
I'm kind of – spastic.

i have this fear that if i talk about it,
it will disappear... - vanish

i had bro-time last night
i kind of liked it..
a lot

im about to start packing, again.
i've started packing 4 times

community is a good thing

i fought this community for a long time.. but now that ive settled in - its not so bad. i've seen caleb at least once a day, everyday, for the past 3 weeks. i love my guys... i love my anna. it's dissapointing to know that i've missed out on this for that last.. idk, year? of my life.

love God, love people



i need a swimsuit,
i need to decide about taking my board,
and i need to learn about airports.

at this rate i'll be at 400 posts before i leave
and im not gonna lie - it makes me happy


i sort of had a breakdown last night, after we went to chili's. everyone was standing outside and people were starting to leave... i looked over at anna and she was tearing up. honestly, i dont know why she was upset, i mean, assuming the current circumstances - there could be a hundred reasons. soon after that i found myself lying on the pavement, staring blankly into the sky. everything just started coming at once, my father, chris, australia, seth... michelle. i dont know. i collapsed underneath it. i started crying... sobbing really. i didn't even know what to say. evan sat down beside and jsut started talking.. at first i was annoyed. i wanted to be alone. and then i realized how stupid that sounded. i was in chili's parking lot for pete's sake. evan was just trying console, to fix things. then he prayed for me, for peace.

i just... i need to leave
i know i need to leave
and i feel like i've been leaving
for hours, days, weeks even...

i feel like i'm repeating myself. i know i'm repeating myself.
i feel like im right where i should be in life.
but i also feel lost, and alone

maybe i should feel lost and alone.
maybe that's where God wants me...

He wants to be empty, and broken...
He wants to be my sole desire

im trying to let go

so... the dare?

background:

almost a month ago, upon realizing my intense crush on andrew bibb, grant dared me to kiss him. just the thought of actually trying to have a conversation with this boy scared the crap out of me. over the past few weeks i've gotten incredibly plugged into this group. this mesh of single people that always seems to end up hanging out every night.

andrew, was included in this group.

i say i've been trying to move him into big brother status.. and that's honest. i've tried. but my only motivation for moving him out of current crush slot... is he fact that evan says we're incompatible. ive been told not to listen to him... - figure it out for myself. so i am. the truth is that i really like him. i like that way he holds himself. i like the way he treats people - i like the way he loves people. and i know that no matter what he is always going to follow where God leads. always.

but anyway

the dare

so me andrew and evan are sitting at the bowling alley right? well...

evan brings up the dare, just casually. i kind of laughed it off...

-----

i dont think it's going to happen evan... ha

andrew looks kind of confused... "what dare?"

welllll... ya see... grant...

mmmm

grant dared me to kiss you before i leave

oh... i see

-----

and that's how this all started... and it ended?

at about 2am on the dock at lamb's lake...

i was standing across from andrew

next to evan, with anna and caleb off to the side

-----

you know what? i should just kiss him

andrew looks out onto the water.. with a smirk

i stepped forward.. slowly, and put my forearms on his shoulders

i then went in for this kiss... slowly

are you.. are you going to kiss me back?

well, you're already this close *smile*

so i kissed him, just a peck

and you know what? he didnt reciprocate

confused.. i start to step back... disappointed

start the timer he says

he put his hand in my back, and pulled me closer

he kissed me, hard, his other hand behind my neck

precisely 30 seconds later evan calls time

and i slowly stepped back to my spot

-----

caleb and anna looked astonished,

anna's mouth still open

it was intense.

edit://

im at justin's

this blog sucks

deal

caleb janney

i dont know what to say
this is your blog, right here


caleb, you're an incredible individual. you strive to be in God's will regardless of what's going on in your life. you're honest, and humble. you dont take crap from people.. and you dont play games. you're constantly asking for leadership, which is so a good thing. you are going to find that girl... there's an amazing young woman of God out there, who wants the same things you want. a lucky girl at that. you are so talented, and willing to learn. i take it as an honor to be your friend... your sister. over the past month or so, we've come to be quite the amigos. and regardless of circumstance,
im glad we did.

i really am going to miss you...

but im not lame

and im coming back retard

:)

chris judy, i dont know what to say to you... i dont know how to talk to you. i've never had this dilemma with you before, i've always told you exactly what was on my mind because i've never had anything to lose. but the point of this paragraph is that now i do have something to lose. something that i've basically already lost. chris, i do love you. i've grown to love you, as a close, intimate friend. a friend - i've never put you into my big brother category, nor my single guy category. so now, here i am. typing away because of a failed attempt at a cellular conversation. what are you to me? are you just a friend? are you something more than a friend? i don't want to give up this friendship. chris, i honestly don't know where all this is coming from. i'm so afraid of you getting married, and me growing up... and never talking to you again, that i don't want to have this conversation. you're dating anna, not only are you dating her? but you're talking about how you think God is heading in the direction of you guys getting married. paolo, i've never even met you. i've never had this thought about what would happen when all of this took place, i've never thought far enough into this relationship to see the end. i don't want it to end. and as many times as you can say it won't - i can say it will.. i know from experience that it will. and it should - should things progress in that manner. but chris, aside from our denominational differences i have nothing to hold me back from falling in love with you. im not talking about the way i love you right now, but a romantic love. the kind that keeps two people together forever. i may be totally in the wrong here... maybe im just not reading you right. but chris, i'm going to australia.

i can't leave this up in the air the way it is.
i dont even know if we would work together..

these are all new things to me
new thoughts

something to think about anyway

today has been a terribly wonderful, horrible day.

tonight was my last night at the door...
i cried for 57% of it



i called jason davis tonight.

i told him that i was leaving, and i would miss him... and that i didn't want him to think of me as "that bitch". he said that he doesn't... and that i "would be missed". whatever that means... then i said goodbye, hung up the phone, and called him right back.


-----

jason... im not very good at this phone thing

haha, no. you're not

jason, jason, i just.. i called, because i... i dont know why we broke up.. honestly. and i know, yeah - i have a lot of things i want to do in my life.. and a lot of places i need to grow. but i... i guess i just wanted to tell you that i still had feelings for you. and that i was going to miss you.. and.... and.. i dont know.

...

...

i, i dont really know what to say to that?

i know... and you dont have to say anything j. just know... that you were my first boyfriend, i learned a lot.. and i...

yeah i know.

and, well... i just, i just wanted to tell you that.

okay...

have a great night jason

you too


click

-----


and the problem is guys? in an effort to smooth things over.. in an effort to make things less awkward? in a small effort to reconcile and be friends. i made things so much more worse... six days. six days, and i fly to australia. what did i expect him to say? did expect for him to feel the same way? did i expect fireworks? i dont know. i dont know what i want, or where im going in life.. i just... i just dont know anymore.

i dont think that we could get back together.
i dont think we'll be together again.

but i also dont plan on ever moving completely on to the next thing. not that there even is a next thing. it's not like im pining for him.. begging for him to come back. i just, i felt like i needed to be completely honest and get everything into the open before i leave. and now it is. that day? in the tech room? i fell apart right there. i didn't even know that i was vulnerable enough to be hurt that bad by someone's words. the feelings that i had for him are still very much there. i dont know when they will subside.. i mean, it's not that big of a deal. i just, i know what that connection is now. that connection? the one everyone tells you about in sunday school... "when you have sex with someone it binds you to them forever" no.. me and j did not have sex. but intimacy (as stated before) is so much more than physical... but now, everything is out.. and i have nothing left to say.

it's over.

*breath of relief*

and just when i thought i had my mind and rest...

i received an email tonight, an email that got me thinking
intimacy is something to be treasured, emotionally, spiritually, physically
it's something that i'll hold on to forever, and its something i cant get back

-----

this post is mainly for timeline reasons... and i really need to go to bed now, but just know i'll sleep well, and i plan on having an amazing day tomorrow. tomorrow will be my last sunday at evangel temple before i go to australia, my flight leaves the 5th. everyday is up and down, from crying at the drop of a hat, to laughing with my hermanos, to just falling alseep is random places. i need to leave, i need to go to australia. i have no clue on earth why, but i do.

seven days

seven days...

going crazy much?

caleb, i'll blog about you soon,
i promise

im at justin's

im tired

im going to australia,

in 11 days

i think it's sinking in that im going to be gone... but it's taken it's sweet time to sink in and now i just feel broken. i feel broken, and lonely. i feel lonely and forgotten.. and i haven't even left. i feel alone.

Nate Schmitt: will not go to the park after 11

so.. what happens at the park after 11?

stuff.

.. okay?

youre so weird

i know, its one of my more endearing qualities

no.. not like unique weird, just weird

well, coming from you.. i guess ill have to take that assumption

okay kid..

kid? im like a pseudo-adult now

no, youre a kid

well if im a kid, youre a kid

no, youre wrong there... im far more mature, older, and life-experienced. youre just young and naive. im not the only one who knows this

... i never claimed any different, and as far as yourself? im not one to judge.


*hours later*

and nate... i love you man, and God wants to do great things in and with your life. but you have to get rid of this jonah persona. He wants you to be His david; a man after His own heart, and His john; the one whom He has loved. and i know this probably doesn't have a lot of merit coming from me.. but just know i've been praying for you.

-----

i dont understand how he gets under my skin so easily..

picture time pals :)
(and this is where i cruise the facebook and pick out photos to go with faces so years from now when i look back i can remember what i was thinking, and what i saw in these boys)

nate
asher
micah
andrew...
hmmm


i was told i need to just leave these "jackasses" (seth excluded) alone and go to australia. i'm trying very hard to move andrew from single guy category to big brother... but im failing miserably.

evan has officially regained his status,
congratulations :)

maia collins :)

time to spill, and i dont know where to start...


topics, people, places, situations, services, prayers, attitudes, God, life, moods, love, andrew, compassion, menthols, food, australia, humbleness, bible, tattoo, falcon, aids, anna; evan andrew caleb steven, piercing, parents, b(r)others, family?, runaway, plaid, vintage, candles...


*deep breath*

and this is why i haven't been here recently



asher moved to texas... he moved. i didn't know that i even liked him much until he left. but now im sure of it... the only thing is? i dont want the american dream, i don't want a 401k plan or an early retirement, i want passion, and i want adventure.. i want my dream, i want to live my life out without plans, or agendas. and i feel like if i dated ash seriously, then i wouldn't have that. nothing against him, of course. and i dont even know for sure what he actually wants, i just feel like im not good for him, i think he needs stability. and i also think that he's still in love with an ex. nate is off the list... well, one list. he's been downgraded from cute indie boy to complete douche bag. micah still keeps in touch, which is sweet. while yeah, no. i dont like him... i do like him as a friend, and he knows that, and repects that. which gives me hope for humanity. andrew... oh andrew. im envious of you, and that is why i want to marry you. im envious of your heart, your motivations.. your family, your writing, your new thoughts... but evan's probably right.. we're most likely not that compatible, but at least now i have a good idea of a good guy that i could actually be attracted to.


the door is becoming more and more like my home. i don't even go on sunday morning, most weeks. downtown is different, grant is amazing, worship is lovely.. and i just feel like i belong there. kirby pulled me aside tonight, and told me that she understands me... she's been here. and i dont know, i mean, i dont know what to take from that. a friend? i would love a good friend... still processing this one.

grant's told me i need to make some new friends.. girls my age that build me up and challenge.. versus ones that take everything i have, the ones im constantly pouring my into, yet seemingly reap nothing. i love my friends, dont get me wrong. i just feel like im always the one on the consoling side.. im being drained... ever so slowly.

ive have big expectations for australia. i need rest.. emotionally. this trip is something im doing completely for myself, i mean yeah... it's missions, and i will be giving of myself to people i have absolutely no clue of.. but all in a learning manner. im literally going to the other side of the world guys. and i know with all of my heart that God wants me there. regardless of justin mccains stupid comment about how "australia is the popular place to be as of late"... He wants me there for a reason, so i intend on fulfilling it.

sending out support letters tomorrow, pray for favor my loves


things at home are a bit rocky.. i feel like my parents took all their frustration and hopelessness and pushed their efforts into this trip. like they've gone from getting a divorce to co-writing my support letter in one weeks flat.

a week or so ago i had a major blow-up. i've told most of you guys about the incident, but i need to blog this for time-line reasons. i basically sat at the end of my fathers bed, as he was arguing with me over something incredulously trivial... and informed him that i had a hard time taking any kind of advice or direction from a person that didn't even know me. i went into detail.. story after story... i poured myself out, letting him know that not only was i "not his 'little girl'" but that i was my own person, who's made her own decisions.. and needs to be let go of.

i really shouldn't have taken it as far as i did...
but it was just too late. i was so upset.

after all that went down, i picked up the keys and left... i spent the night off and returned in the morning... to a broken mother and a bitter father. divorce or separation was his agenda... if only he wasn't in a wheelchair, it probably would've happened.

i have a theory about their relationship,
but that's another blog altogether.

im trying to stay awake until 3... 3am is the point of the morning where i catch my second wind. it's also the point of the night where i can leave my house.. drive around for a bit, and then crash at starbucks. i love to drive.. driving is my jam

so goodnight for now guys
i love you all

waiting

finally eighteen

now what?

when i blog on birthday i typically have something witty to write about...
lyric compilations, or deep thoughts from my inner soul.

not today

today is a day of thai food
a day to get a beautiful tattoo
and a day of possible piercing

today will be a day to remember.. no doubt
just, its just candid

food, fun, and coffee anyone?

*sigh*

waiting

said the customer to the barista:

you know, you're a very attractive young lady,
but those cigarettes... watch out for those wrinkles
have a good day

customer gets his drink
comes outside to leave

hey, evan doesn't smoke does he...?

no.. no way

but, you guys are.. are, like, together right?

ha! he's a decade older than me

oh... oh, oh, wow
okay, stop smoking georgia
have a good day

my eyes are open wide and,
by the way, i made it through the day
i watched the world outside and
by the way, im leaving out today

please don't cry one tear for me
im not afraid of, what i have to say
this is my one and only voice
so listen close, it's only for today

i just saw hayley's comet, she waved
said, why you always running in place?
even the man in the moon disappeared
somewhere in the stratosphere

tell my mother, tell my father
ive done the best i can
to make them realize, this is my life
i hope they understand
im not angry, im just saying...
sometimes goodbye
is a second chance



...

sometimes goodbye
is a second chance

i dont sleep much these days

betsy lamb

is a lovely thing
so.. interesting
so different

striving to be different
but her striving is even different
we'll see how this goes

my father is in wheelchair, officially
as of today, but should've been yesterday

the medicine seems to make him worse
home is quite similar to hell

i dont know how to help,
and i dont understand how im hindering

so im trying to stay away as much as possible.

what to blog about?

a question that has often entered my head the last few days....

asher

asher is 26, he's 8 years older than me. asher is, one of those guys that you meet once in a blue moon. he's sweet, funny, cute, and intelligent. we've hung out a good amount over the last week and a half, and i like him a lot. asher is moving to houston, tx in two weeks. this kid, sat outside of starbucks with me the other afternoon, managing to steal my phone number... and my affection.

nate

basically spilled his heart out over his qwerty keyboard on saturday, saying how much he liked me, and it wasn't just about sex for him, et cetera. i honestly don't know whether to believe him or just brush it off as another way for him to get into my levis... we'll see what happens in january i suppose, for now im trying to stay away.

australia

i need to get out, fast. i need to leave, i know it'll be good for me.. and im excited. ive been "officially accepted" now, and i cannot wait to get out there, just 10 grand. 10 grand and i'll be set. God will provide? im not the least bit worried about getting that much money together.. and i dont even know why.

ttyl