i dont really have a plan for this post...
so lets wing it
God is doing so much in my life right now its ridiculous... im learning to trust and lean on Him like i never knew that i could. i know these last few posts have kind of been a downer, but forgive me - its my vent.
australia is lovely... and the people here genuinely love Jesus and want to "seek and save the lost" you can just tell that "knowing God and making Him known" is the common goal here.
DTS is different than i expected.. they're literally taking us through a program to build us up in God - by means of cleaning out our souls... lol. everyone needs a firm foundation to start eh? every week is a new topic.. and every friday we have "ministry time". they're really big here on "confessing your sins to one another" and being "inter-dependent"... and sharing each others burdens. which i'll be the first to admit... isnt my personal forte. this community thing can really mess with me at times.
anyway, each friday most of the class has gotten up and shared their deepest darkest issues... crying and confessing... getting things out of their life and relinquishing any kind of foothold the enemy could get on them... people are being totally transformed, renewing of minds and all that jazz... its really incredible.
but then there's me... who had yet to go up...
i honestly just didnt feel like God wanted me to
until this past friday... oh lovely conviction
on thursday we finally hit our topic hard.. Steve Aherne (director of ywam australia) dove right into the father-heart of God... i could feel in my spirit that it was finally going to be my turn... and i waited anxiously all afternoon... praying that God would give me words. the subject touched on "hating the design" or, self image... he also talked about the way we all deal with pain... whether you're "rejected" or "rebellious"... and how you cope with change or hurt - the whole teaching just kept bringing things to mind from my childhood, and through my teens... but knowing full-well that i had been forgiven, forgave others, and that i had dealt with all that junk... i didnt think it would be an issue
boy was i wrong
God told me that He would "give me words" when i stood up in front of my group on friday... He told me not to worry.. everything would work out, trust Him.
and i did
the next thing i know half of the room is crying... the people i've gotten closest too were doubled over just weeping for me.. as i told bits and pieces of my story all of that pain came back... as i looked around the room into the eyes of people that i knew had been hurt in similar ways my heart broke for them... i could barely talk and i stumbled through my sentences... finally looking back to steve for affirmation. he was crying. i continued... pressing into my spirit and baring my soul in front of my brothers and sisters. the words just kept coming.. from up to down... to completely lost in the pain of the entire room. i collapsed into a chair that steve pulled out for me... and he began to pray. he looked up, and asked me if he could just hold me... scared to death i asked him not to... and my school leader Adriel wrapped me up in her arms. i fell apart, we just sat in the center of the room crying for what seemed like hours. steve quietly whispering words of comfort into my ear. then, pulling my chin up to look me in the eyes he said "kaylin, i want to stand in the gap, i want to be the man to stand up and ask for your forgiveness... kaylin, forgive me for the hurt and pain i've caused you.. will you forgive me?" i broke. if i wasnt already in shambles then that was the last straw...
i was shaking, adriel still wrapped around me...
yeah... yes, i can forgive you
and that was it..
i was sent to another room with my oneonone and a few other staff for prayer... i feel like God isnt done with my crap yet, but im continuously working towards complete healing.. but i know that'll come in God's time - not after, and not before. overall im glad God sent me up there friday... there are so many hurting people out there... people that relate, and people that understand. i am not alone. im growing. im healing. im completely whole in Him.
God has forgiven me for hating His creation.. and He's forgiven me for making a catastrophe out of his clay... and all i want is to do what He wants.. i want agenda to be His... i want His plan... im developing a hunger for His word.. and a thirst for His love and voice.
im in the right place
... im in the right place
so lets wing it
God is doing so much in my life right now its ridiculous... im learning to trust and lean on Him like i never knew that i could. i know these last few posts have kind of been a downer, but forgive me - its my vent.
australia is lovely... and the people here genuinely love Jesus and want to "seek and save the lost" you can just tell that "knowing God and making Him known" is the common goal here.
DTS is different than i expected.. they're literally taking us through a program to build us up in God - by means of cleaning out our souls... lol. everyone needs a firm foundation to start eh? every week is a new topic.. and every friday we have "ministry time". they're really big here on "confessing your sins to one another" and being "inter-dependent"... and sharing each others burdens. which i'll be the first to admit... isnt my personal forte. this community thing can really mess with me at times.
anyway, each friday most of the class has gotten up and shared their deepest darkest issues... crying and confessing... getting things out of their life and relinquishing any kind of foothold the enemy could get on them... people are being totally transformed, renewing of minds and all that jazz... its really incredible.
but then there's me... who had yet to go up...
i honestly just didnt feel like God wanted me to
until this past friday... oh lovely conviction
on thursday we finally hit our topic hard.. Steve Aherne (director of ywam australia) dove right into the father-heart of God... i could feel in my spirit that it was finally going to be my turn... and i waited anxiously all afternoon... praying that God would give me words. the subject touched on "hating the design" or, self image... he also talked about the way we all deal with pain... whether you're "rejected" or "rebellious"... and how you cope with change or hurt - the whole teaching just kept bringing things to mind from my childhood, and through my teens... but knowing full-well that i had been forgiven, forgave others, and that i had dealt with all that junk... i didnt think it would be an issue
boy was i wrong
God told me that He would "give me words" when i stood up in front of my group on friday... He told me not to worry.. everything would work out, trust Him.
and i did
the next thing i know half of the room is crying... the people i've gotten closest too were doubled over just weeping for me.. as i told bits and pieces of my story all of that pain came back... as i looked around the room into the eyes of people that i knew had been hurt in similar ways my heart broke for them... i could barely talk and i stumbled through my sentences... finally looking back to steve for affirmation. he was crying. i continued... pressing into my spirit and baring my soul in front of my brothers and sisters. the words just kept coming.. from up to down... to completely lost in the pain of the entire room. i collapsed into a chair that steve pulled out for me... and he began to pray. he looked up, and asked me if he could just hold me... scared to death i asked him not to... and my school leader Adriel wrapped me up in her arms. i fell apart, we just sat in the center of the room crying for what seemed like hours. steve quietly whispering words of comfort into my ear. then, pulling my chin up to look me in the eyes he said "kaylin, i want to stand in the gap, i want to be the man to stand up and ask for your forgiveness... kaylin, forgive me for the hurt and pain i've caused you.. will you forgive me?" i broke. if i wasnt already in shambles then that was the last straw...
i was shaking, adriel still wrapped around me...
yeah... yes, i can forgive you
and that was it..
i was sent to another room with my oneonone and a few other staff for prayer... i feel like God isnt done with my crap yet, but im continuously working towards complete healing.. but i know that'll come in God's time - not after, and not before. overall im glad God sent me up there friday... there are so many hurting people out there... people that relate, and people that understand. i am not alone. im growing. im healing. im completely whole in Him.
God has forgiven me for hating His creation.. and He's forgiven me for making a catastrophe out of his clay... and all i want is to do what He wants.. i want agenda to be His... i want His plan... im developing a hunger for His word.. and a thirst for His love and voice.
im in the right place
... im in the right place
1 comment:
pure awesome-ness. God is absolutely, mind-alteringly amazing.
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