so the score stands.

3 - 1

how do i beat those odds?

well.... if ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.

*out-of-ideas face*

.peace.

.:kaylin:.

ps, i like signing my name like *looks up* that.

I got a new song I really like today... I might actually practice it. (=

Awhile back PJ asked me to do a recital thing - I was set to tell him no. But I found out yesterday that it's something Trey's doing. Trey said I was wasting my talent and it would be good for me to do it. Pj says he thinks I would like it, - not to many people, not on a big stage etc. I want to do it. But idk if I can, idk if I can play w/out messing everything up. I don't want to let people down by not doing it. And I don't want to let them down by screwing it up.

I can't figure out how to "put myself in my music" make it an art -ya know? J says theres no emotion. Idk what to do. I can't even get the notes right half the time, much less add something to the notes. I feel like there's something missing, and as much as I want it to be there I want to keep it inside, to myself, safe -so to speak.

*deep breath*

I'm really going to try to learn some music this week.

'night.

.peace.

.:kaylin:.

i've got really thin hair, i put pigtails in it today - and it looks really funny, lol.

i'm not very photogenic.

i've got a new song on my myspace "take my hand" by shawn mcdonald, i like it lots.

i stole piano music. *shocked face*

.peace.

fears.

[in no specific order]

choking on peanut butter.
talking in front of people.

people throwing up. i seriously cant handle it.

saying something stupid.
doing anything alone on a stage.
change, well most of it.
failing.

i'm afraid of not trying hard enough because i'm afraid i'll fail.

rejection.
eating a nail file. [i know - i'm weird]
making other people look bad.

being judged as something i'm not, because of not being who i am.

singing loud.
playing for people.
giving my own opinions.
cockroaches.

starting things and not finishing them.

dislikes.

[also in no specific order]

being touched by people idk/dont like.
people idk calling me pet names id est - baby, hun, babe.
people asking me questions i cant give the answer too.
being blamed for something i didn't do.
taking the blame.
people who constantly have to be the center of attention.
brothers.


ok, i'm finished... for now. lol

.peace.

i want some deep thought to write about... but i can't recall any.

*sad face*

oh - here's something weird. like, forever ago i was praying in my room and writing in my journal - when I felt God speaking to me and I started to write... I wrote and wrote and wrote some more, like really 4 pages front and back. so of course i kept them. anyway, not long ago i picked a piece out and and put it on my myspace blog. Well about 3 days ago my friend [Fo] calls me and says "hey, you know that poem you have on your myspace? well I put it on my page and I feel like a complete copy-cat but I like it and I had it first anyway, and i didn't even realize it was the same" and i was like "uhm... ok, but how did you have it first? I got it out of my journal." and she was like, "well, its in my journal, i found it forever ago and i've just kept it"

creepy i tell ya.

- peace -

.:kaylin:.

Babysitting again... Mrs. Amy wants me to do it every week, but my parents haven't decided whether or not to let me or not. Personally I don't mind either way, I'm not in desperate need for money, but I don't do anything else on Thursday morning - so why not?

I don't really get into American Idol, sure I watch it when I'm flippin through channels.... but it's not at the top of my "have to watch" list.

Cason's got Jujitsu tonight, I don't have anything.

The new Sams opens either today or tomorrow.... woohoo.

I'm kinda sick of blogging about nothing.

.:peace:.

much better day...

frozen grapes = ♥

I've got a weird bruise on my arm... I've got a good idea of where it came from, but I'm not sure. Don't you hate it when you get those? Bruises that you don't know how they got there? The Karate Kid's on... I love that movie =)

Nothing new happened today, pj went to Memphis so I was supposed to have a make-up lesson, but Dad didn't have the time.

Lizzie has informed us that she's cutting all her hair off March 29th or before.

I've decided to finally let mine grow.

lol

peace -kaylin-

i give up. i'll never be good enough for him.

hearing mama 'chelles stories makes me think about how blessed i am to have ended up in my family.... how stupid i am to even think bad about my parents. but i just cant seem to get anything right. i've decided that its not his fault, i take the sole responsibility. its become evident to me that im the one in the way, the odd one out, the twisted kid. if only i could be more like my sibs then maybe everything would be easier for him... if only i didnt question his stupid jokes or laugh when he cant come up w/ decent come-backs. or maybe, maybe if i were stupid, untalented, and not so freakin independent.

well you know what? thats me. if he hates me - who cares.

not me.

peace - k.

.:sorry about the vent post, ive had a long day:.

I gave someone my blog url.... rather, I left it on their desk.

I don't know if they're reading it, or if they even have the little post-it. So, if you are reading this, welcome... only one other person has the url, which makes you pretty darn special.

Of course, you have to promise not to tell anyone about anything you read.

But it's weird, I want to go back through my blogs and delete a few...

But I wont. Sorry about the weird entry yesterday... I was a little out of it. haha.

I feel bad for my Dad... I know he's in pain, but he has no right to take it out on other people. And when he does it makes me mad, I can hardly have any sympathy for him lately. Tonight I literally thought I might die. My parents and I were on our way home and he kept falling asleep, he almost hit 2 trucks and he's like "You guys have to keep me up" so I started talking to him, and all of a sudden he goes off on this whole thing about me having an asinine attitude, and learning to keep my fat mouth shut. And the whole time my Mom was looking at him like he'd lost his mind.

So then she tried, she asked him something about tomorrow, and he went off on her. Well, neither one of us wanted to talk and he was getting madder and madder and the car was going faster and faster.... He almost hit a truck head-on, they beeped their horn though, and woke him up. Then he got mad again, and let down all the windows to "keep him awake" [personally I think it was just because he knows my Mom hates it]

Idk, he only gets that way when he's in pain though... I just wish, idk. I feel useless

peace.

I only eat the brown m&ms... Is that weird? idk.

I'm watching the Lewis twins right now. Naps = Love

I like doing things for people. Anything really.

I don't like telling people "no".

peace.

My Dad took all the boys to Tampa, to pick up magazines - which means I get to watch Cason's puppy... I love him. =)

I don't have emotions or ideas to talk about.... so I'll tell you about my latest email news. There's a guy who sends me emails every day. He goes to my church.. he's quite quiet in person, he's not cute, or rather - not my type. I don't like him nor do I want him to like me, we can be friends... that's perfectly fine. It's just - idk, weird. He was emailing me all the time, like back in September, it went on for about a month, and one day he was like "Is this weird? Me bombarding you with emails about everything from deep thoughts to iq tests?"

Well, I wasn't going to lie to the kid! I was like "well... yeah, kinda."

Then the emails ceased.

Day before yesterday they started again... no explanation, no nothing, he just goes on like nothing ever happened. Sure - I don't mind replying, no big deal. But I don't want him to think I like him. And I hate the compliments. I hate it when he's like "You sounded good singing that Sunday" or "You're so much smarter than I am" and I am not telling him my iq. No way. Urgh.

Boys make life complicated.

In other news this week I've had 4 people tell me that this other guy and I would make a cute couple. He's 4 years older than me. He's cute, but not exactly the brightest crayon in the box... ya know? I'm not trying to be cocky... but I don't think I could like someone with whom I can't have an intelligent conversation with.

urgh. more guys.

peace.

-kaylin

Lately my page has become more of a "Kaylin's daily schedule", rather than a thoughts and emotions vent.

S0o here it goes.

I say I'm happy eating -and I am. But I don't want to eat, I still have this crazy, twisted desire to starve myself into thin air. Collar bone or bust. Ya know? I still feel the guilt when I take that first bite. I want my jeans to fall off again... so I have to wear sweatpants with them. I don't know if I'm hungry or not, I could not eat for 2 days and my stomach still wouldn't growl. I feel so shallow, emotionally and physically. Like not sick, but almost.

My latest thoughts have been battling back and forth in my head - to eat or not to eat. I know I have to eat. So not eating isn't an option.... but then again, not eating is an option - because hey, it is my life right? I should be able to control what happens in my life, to my body, right?

I'm worried. What if when I go off to college I stop eating and waste away. What if I can't take the pressures there and just give into myself? I'm sitting here thinking how stupid this sounds.

I'm Kaylin Stone. I have amazing willpower. I am so blessed to have been born into a family that knows and loves God. I'm a Christian. I have a 2-way relationship with God. I am anointed to play the piano. My fingers are God's instruments. I have a purpose. He has a plan.

Then why can't I pull myself together and quit whining?

idk.

twisted i tell ya, twisted.

peace.
.:kaylin:.

So, I don't really have anything new to blog about... Oh Cason got a dog, we surprised him and went to get it today, it's a boxer and his name is Kodi. He's totally rad.

I'm sick of my hair being blah. Haha, that so did not sound like me. But I am, it's not long... but not short, not curly, but not straight. Urgh. And I'm not cutting it. I already decided.

I burned my nose with a curling iron!!! It hurt so bad. But olive. (I'll Live)

I miss talking to you Peety, I don't have time to get on fxd - and plus it's not the same. It's weird now... I don't relate to anybody anymore.

I'm going to start watching Caden (2), Chaim (2) and Caleb (4) once a week to pay for my piano lessons. Which is good. One less thing my Dad can guilt me about. =P

I watched the Lewis girls last night with Chelsea... it was fun but not something I want to do on a regular basis. lol.

Idk if I like David for Chelsea.... she's always talking about something immature he did.... and he's 4 years older than her. He should be her mentor, someone she can lean on. Spiritually that is. But idk if there is someone who could be that for her. She's so mature for her age it's amazing, but then again, she is choosing to date him.

idk - peace.
-kaylin

I'm happy. =)

And I'm eating....

I can't remember the last time that happened at the same time.

I like it.

allot allot.

peace [&joy}

.:kaylin:.

I feel drained. I think I'm sick... but I never get sick, how is this possible?

Anyway, I had a pretty un-eventful day, running errands mostly. My Dad had to do a bunch of stuff w/out me but had to take me w/ him, so I ended up walking around target and walmart for hours. Yeah, fun.

I want to start weight training again... but I don't think I have the energy. That stinks, I'm 15 for goodness sake, I should def. have energy.

peace .:kaylin

I've def. never been this un-excited about New Years/Christmas.

I mean, I'm not like melancholy (id est, Clinically Depressed) or anything like that... I'm just not excited. Spirtually - I feel like I've hit a wall, I feel like I've done close to all I can, and I still feel... idk, incomplete. I know that I'm not, and that God makes me whole, but I also know that I have to accept that for it to actually happen... But it's not easy, there's no "easy button" in this case, no shortcut. But I can't even figure out the long route for that matter...

As far as my family goes... Nothing's changing, I might as well just accept things the way they are. Lets just face it - my Dad's always going to push himself to hard. My brother's are never going to respect my things. My dog's never going to stop shedding. I'm never going to finish my Sonata... or Linus and Lucy for that matter.

Sorry for the negative post... just had to vent I guess.

peace.

oh yeah, and happy new year.