another year

another list

so... lets type :)

2009

this year i...

got my first tattoo

flew by myself, internationally

made it through dr davis' biology class

kissed three boys.. and one guy

had my puppy given away :(

sold my first car

didnt use nearly enough lip-chap

found out that i really like accents.. - kiwi

changed my mind, a whole lot actually

was in the news paper... gross

lost two great-grandparents

took a decent amount of photos

wrote my first essay.. first real essay

ran away from home.. twice

didnt take enough photos

went on my first blind-date... ha

started smoking cigarettes...

said a lot of things that i didnt mean

got my first non-ear piercing :)

drove the parents car into a brick wall

saw a lot of friends fall in love..

wrote one of my favorite things to read

almost slept with a boy.. a lot of times

watched a lot of movies on a dorm balcony :)

dated a guy 8 years my senior

fell into a terrible like with sushi and thai

used things against my parents, that they couldnt help

took my first pregnancy photos! :)

got really upset over minor things...

got called a bitch, by someone i cared about

kissed a boy.. on a dare

cried in the middle of a parking lot

uhm, went to australia for 5 months

told majority of my story to 31 people...

drank heaps of water

made my first mutually beneficial friend :)

found out that i really love my little brothers...

swam with stingers in the pacific

found a passionate reality

had a lot of d&m's.. and a few dtr's

spent heaps of time on the beach

started a long-distance relationship

actually started to like the beach

... and the relationship ended. miserably.

fell in love with jesus.. again

got drunk for the first time

bleached half of my hair.. yeah, just half

started to enjoy watching movies... crazyas

went without a cell for 5 months, weird

made myself sick to avoid hiking up a mountain

completed a discipleship training school

washed a lot... a lot a lot of dishes

rode in the back of a trailer.. like cows do

camped out for 2 weeks straight, in the outback

successfully dropped-in on a skateboard

... painted speed bumps in mt isa

gathered lots of native seeds

handed out red candies... er lollies

played with lots of children

made good friends

and a lot of other stuff...

guys, this year has been a full one

here's to 2010

*raises empty glass*

and im still too young to drink

christmas day

christmas at 6am

worked 8am - 4pm

grandparents after that

so now im sitting in the starbucks parking lot... which is fairly typical these days. im so incredibly blessed. christmas was amazing. i talked to cason about his past week at rto, inductive bible study week. i want to do the bcc now, more than ever. i made a comment to my mom about still having enough time to go back... but i couldnt. i want to go to australia, i miss it. i miss wednesday nights. i miss lectures and work duties. i miss deep conversations on a nightly basis. i miss so many people. kelsey is moving in with me very soon. my parents sign the lease on our new house tomorrow morning. headed to some garage sales in the am... and then taking my little brothers to the mall i believe... i love them so much. i am blessed beyond measure. i have an incredible family. every person is amazing in their own way... so different from each other, we are. but it works. it works.

im now the proud owner of an external hardrive

and 50 movies... from my mother

my wallet has a gotten a bit thicker, in due time

tomorrow i need to find some beds... haha

i miss australia.. more than i ever though i would

i could very well consume my thoughts if i let it

its starting to consume this post

ben is insane.

how do you fill in over 3 months of wordless-ness?

im scared to start

so i probably wont

here we go... free writing..

or whatever they call it

-----

skip outreach

skip graduation

skip the flights home

-----

kelsey is moving in with me in 3 weeks... and im sleeping in the dining room. weird. ive got to figure out something before she gets here.. hopefully my parents will before it comes to that.

i cant sleep. i havent been able to sleep in quite awhile... not until around 6 or 7 am. it sucks not sleeping. i dont have anything to do. not sleeping makes me want to go buy a pack of menthols and watch movies on the porch with justin.

addiction is sin. i am/was addicted to smoking cigarettes. i have several opinions about smoking cigarettes. but when it comes to my life, buying a pack of cigarettes is sin. if im offered one? if im a social setting having good conversation and being normal? i can smoke a cigarette. however, when i am bored - i tend to smoke packs. i shouldnt do that. its dependence. its not good for the soul. its running. its burning time/energy and other things. its not good for me on lots of levels. i got back into pipes in australia.

i really like smoking a pipe. its relaxing, enjoyable, and lovely. it makes a great conversation into a meaningful moment. i broke kelseys pipe in australia. i was very upset about it. too upset about it. i cant find my pipe here. ben didnt send me kelseys pipe... nor did he send it to kelsey. it makes for a sad day.

ben is from australia, hes a neat guy. we smoked pipes in australia, and had great conversations. then i left australia. and wednesday night walks dont happen anymore. and it gets me kind of down like whenever i think about it.

ive been in sad state since returning home. i miss friends, people, places, the weather... its all a very sad thing - leaving and all. i want to go back in january... i really do. but i talked it over with god and he says that im supposed to be here for a little bit. so i guess ill do that.

me and god are really tight. we talks lots about life... sometimes we talk about holiness. holiness is quite the conundrum for me as of late. i blame ben. he brought it up. do i want to be holy? do i desire to live a lifestyle worth the benefits of christian life? do i desire to be set apart? do i desire enough? do i care about and love the lost people around me enough to live a life to reap the benefits to sew seeds of longing to live the life that jesus lived into the lives around me?

the answer is no.

do i want to desire?

the answer is often yes

the answer is sometimes no

one of those lost people im referring to is jordan schlag... im her friend, and shes my friend. i spent a lot of time with her before i went to australia. i really like her, and she makes me laugh. jordan is not in a good place in her life right now. jordan gets drunk way too much, and gets high even more than she gets drunk. she loves jesus most days.. and she's going to heaven. but she has no desire to live a christian life. the christian life is seemingly filled with boredom, apathy, and regret. jordan does not like those things. jordan pours herself out into other people and places... shes looking for answer to a problem thats already been solved. but no one seems to be able to come up with the answer to why. why should she stop partying? shes going to heaven. why should she strive for a goal that essentially cannot be met?

why is so hard to find fulfillment in the journey? why is it so difficult for me as a person to convey fulfillment with life? am i fulfilled with life? no, not really.

this is quite a disheartening post i would say.

i need more words

words havent been enough for me lately... my words are weak. my words are small and insignificant in my eyes. i cant seem to find what im looking for. i cant seem to find what it is that im looking for. im not enough. ill never be enough for the people around me. so why am i doing this christian thing? why am i a christian?

im a christian because of relationship. i have a relationship with god, my creator, my father. he does "give me strength" and i "rest in him" and all the other cliche christian phrases you could think of.. those things do actually happen. but what about when i try to tell other people that? what about when those answers arent enough for other people? what about when the way i live my life is fine for me but not fine other people? what about when this "leading by example in relationship" thing becomes instead a "personal view" or my "individual right"?

what about when i dont even know what im saying anymore and 4am and im just typing meaningless things again? rinse and repeat guys... rinse and repeat...

i just want to be a stoner and in amsterdam

i just sound a lot more depressed than i actually feel right now. im just really tired and should sleep a whole lot more than i do. i would just rather be on skype talking to people... filling my time and not being so boring.