if i said ive been too busy to update;
i'd be lying. i just haven't been in the mood to.

-----

i don't have many moments where i feel like im worth much,
but that was one of them.

-----

peace.

that woman worked me like a dog.
after an hour, i thought i was going to die.
thank God for water and protein bars.

apparently.
i need to be eating a minimum 1500 calories.
my average this week has been 900


but what i dont understand, is this.
im not losing weight rapidly
i dont feel like im going to die
im not denying myself food
im not ravenously hungry
why eat more?

im hungry, i haven't had enough calories.
when i count calories, i eat less.
it's 5pm, ive had 565

i miss pastor jason terribly, i love talking to him on the phone... but it makes me miss him more. i keep thinking eventually i'll move on, and not miss him - but it seems the opposite is occuring. he's been gone for 5 months. thats a long time to miss someone.

i ordered multi-vitamins.


im going to a personal training session today... with my madre, it should be fun but it's should also be hard. i want to be in shape, i want to be in top-notch condition. im just not sure if i want someone else dictating what i eat, and when i workout. etc.
i am grateful though, and im excited.

i talked to pastor jason about anna, i wasn't going to give him any names... but i slipped up. he says i shouldnt feel guilty, it's not my fault. he said something he'd learned recently is that i can only do so much, i can only love her, talk to her, be there for her... but in the end it's her decision. God, i hope she makes the right decision.
God i hope she's not pregnant.

ive decided this whole blog is nothing but a meaningless rant about the half of life which sucks, these posts are hardly ever positive. i like my rant blog. i think i'll keep it just the way it is thanks you very much. i like to be able to rant, i like my rants, if you dont, then leave. stop reading, go away, just leave.

tonight im ranting about various things.

1)
connor, my youngest brother.... could get away with murder.
usually i dont care, until it affects me.
in which case, i do care, allot.

2)
my family has this major double standard
i dont like it. and i cant change it.

3)
my head hurts really bad right now.
really really bad.

4)
i dont want to tell my parents anything about my life.
i want to keep them out, i want to punish them.
they shouldnt be able to knowing anything,
for so long they didnt care, now they act like they do.
im trying to punish my parents without them knowing
by not letting them know.

5)
i wont let my father hug me.
he doesnt like it, and as far as im concerned when someone yells at you for not hugging them, then they're just proving the fact that they dont deserve your affection.

6)
my mother is way different when my father is not around.
she's almost normal, it's insane. its makes me mad.

7)
im way too tired to be blogging

mother's day. it was good... it was fun :D
went to church this am, wore the yellow dress.

sang in the choir, ran projection, then we loaded up and went to my aunts, ate lunch and swam till i had to go into work... at 5. i just got home from closing - kyle showed up to get icecream. hmm

closing was not as fun as last night...
too many trainees i think.



i have a friend who's fallen so far away from God, she can't even tell she's drifting. she can't remember when life was really okay, she couldn't deal with all the pressure - and she caved. she's given up on the inside. beautiful, smart girl, just giving into to the lies of the world. those stupid boys really dont care about her, and the drugs that aren't enough anymore, getting drunk isn't exciting, its got to be more. but she denies it all when she's with me. i cant take it, i can feel her hurting but when i try to reach out and pull her back up, it's like she can't grab on. almost like the influence i once had, is slowly sifting through my fingers.

and i dont know what to do.
except pray.

im out.

saturday, i didn't even get to post this on saturday... i was so busy saturday. i definitely should not have spent the night off friday. anyways, i stayed up till 3am, got up at 730 - hit the gym, showered, photographed a wedding, and then went to work at brusters - till close - which means late - which means i went to bed to bed at eh... 130am.

the wedding went allot smoother than expected.
i got paid good money, easy, fun money. so that's cool.

work was allot of fun... but i felt really sick to the point where they were telling me to go home. eh - i did get better eventually though :)


i bought a cheap tripod.. it was about time.

im at panera bread... i swear, this place is so addicting.
eating a kids meal though... because even though it is addicting,
its not very cheap.... and you get wayy to many calories.

work was good, turns out myy drawer wasn't even messed up :D
my crew leader miss-counted, and i put some of my receipts in the wrong drawer

im going to the gym in like 10 minutes, for the 2nd time today.
i went with cason earlier... but i feel like i should have done more.

prolly stayin at chelsea's house tonight...
im shooting a wedding tomorrow! im stoked :)




might edit tonight...

i went to the gym first thing this morning, i really did not want to get up... but in the end i was glad i went. i like to accomplish things that i would rather not do... but that i know are good for me. i like the feeling of buying a salad over french fries, i enjoy taking skipping the elevator and taking the stairs. so the gym, [vs sleep] was good for me. started my day off right.

working today was... okay, it was a nightmare. starting off with managers getting upset at each other.... about halfway through my shift i got chocolate syrup everywhere, and it ended with my drawer being off by $25.83. oh, and not to mention; the lesbian girl they just hired would not stop poking me.

after work i came home to an empty house... laid outside in the rain for about 10 minutes, and then spent an hour on the phone with lizzie... i haven't seen allot of her lately. come to think of it, i haven't seen allot of anyone lately. i love working... but ive got to figure out this whole 'balance' concept.

anyway, i need to sleep. peace.



-----
im going to get back into this blog thing, i promise.
this could very well end up just a "what kaylin did today" blog,
but i'll try to give ya'll a least a little bit of variation

i want to make this public.
but i dont think im... ready?
maybe, maybe it's just
that i dont think
they're ready.

my drawer was over $25.83 today.
it's been messed up a few times before...
but they've always been wrong.
today, it's my fault.

i think my receipts got mixed up.
regardless, i messed up.
i hate messing up.
i hate it.


urgghhhhhh.
im gonna go cry now.

it hurts
terribly.

i've thrown-up twice.
so im blogging.

yay me.

my stomach is growling now.
it cant seem to make up it's mind.




i cannot go to church today
said little sarah anne mckay
i have the measles and the mumps
a rash, a gash, and purple bumps