the numbers are lining up like they ought to

looks like i am going back to texas

one week on the beach with the boy that i love

i know i say it a lot..

but, i am so blessed

haven't written a public blog in far too long... 

i can't get my thoughts out in a fashion that anyone could read

i'm trying to be a little less cryptic here

- - - - -

babysitting has been challenging

in the sense that i have to much time on my hands

but i paid the rent today, so that's good... i just need to make it until fall semester, and things will resume to "normal"... whatever that is. honestly, i know they wont... 6 months ago if you had asked me about a relationship,  i probably would've laughed at you. no, that's not true. i would've smiled cunningly... i had nothing realistic in mind, but i wasn't about to let people in on that.

eating has been getting harder and harder... im alone all the time, and by alone i mean without accountability.  im going to the beach in 23 days... and to be brutally honest, that's hard for me.  i don't go to the beach often... i do love it, and i want so badly to be in texas with Chris.  but i can't help but dread parts of everything that goes along with being at the beach.

my foot is healing really quickly... the incision is even partially healed up - which is incredible. not being able to drive or run or even walk my dog has really killed me this time around... i just feel gross all the time... which isn't good for my mind - im just trying to identify when i have those times and cut it off... do or do not, there is no try

i've hung out caleb almost every night as of late... im realizing how few good friends i have, which i mean, it's not a new development... but usually there are so many decent friends around that it feels a bit warmer in my life...  it's gotten a little cold over the last month... it's not uncommon for me to only talk to Chris... i never thought i'd be that girl... but im not against it yet.  the conversations i do have, with amanda, with evan, with kelsey, with caleb, are quality, and i think i'd rather have it that way

i had an old acquaintance text me a few days ago, he said he missed me, and was wondering if i was down to get high with him this weekend... i didnt recognize his number, but i don't have a lot of people in that circle of my life.. and knew who was almost immediately... i called him and got his life story from the last year or so... and told him i didn't smoke anymore... he was sorry to hear it, but still wanted to get coffee... i told him no, explained that i just couldn't  go back.. and i don't regret it

i dont have much more to say

that's a basic life update

in australia, a very wise woman with a lovely brittish accent told me that i was beautiful.  then, softly, she said...  "kaylin, i want you to take your relationships as very serious things in life... treat them with the utmost care, as if your life depended on it.  try terribly hard not to get your heart broken, you have a lovely heart, a pure heart.  one piece of advice i can give you, is to take 1 corinthians 13, everytime you see the word "love" replace it with your own name.  kaylin, always strive to become that person - as i know you do.  then, after you find that boy... the one that you think hung the moon, put his name in place of "love".  poppet, if you can find a man that is striving harder than you are, if you're falling for a boy that's fallen for Christ as hard as you have... marry him, and send me an invitation".

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy,

it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

  

Love never fails.

i told her that i would... i promised

 and i can honestly say that i'm on the right track.

i know this is supposed to be the start of the texas tales...

but i need to take an alternative route, a detour of sorts.  

i don't know how to write what i need to write about. honestly, i don't know how i said it, how i explained it...  i texted chris yesterday and told him that i didnt feel like he loved me... in essence.  i didn't feel beautiful when i was around him in texas... i didn't feel like i was any different than any other girl. 

i know deeply that chris loves me, that i am different, that he wants to marry me... but for some reason i just feel.... worthless around him, unimportant, an obligation... i know this isnt true, i know it... but it's hard, i don't understand why i feel this way... it's not supposed to be like this... we're supposed to fall in love, and that's supposed to be all that matters... i want it to be all that matters, i want to feel like i can take on the world...  i want to feel like someone adores me, without cost or contingency... this is hard.

my hearts hurts.

ive been crying

crying out to my father..

i want to be whole

i want to be in a place to receive love... 

i want to feel like chris isn't going to up and leave... 

i want to feel like he's moving here... for me

im babysitting right now.. but i intend on taking the night and just praying... talking things out.. sorting things out.  i know this is probably supposed to be "a process"... i know that it mot likely supposed to "take time"... but im over it, im done crying myself to sleep, im done feeling i can talk to anyone, im finished feeling guilty for talking to my boyfriend, im just... im done. 

when i talk to god about it... i dont know... on one hand, his heart is heavy for me... he wants dearly for me to walk in wholeness and pureness in him, he wants me to understand my value in its complete essence... he is in awe of me... and i know that, i feel that, i feel his love... 

on the other hand... we've been down this road before.

i know what it takes to walk the other way

i know what it means, and what i have to give up

its like killing part of yourself... over and over again

and everytime you go to fight, it's harder, and more painful

im sick of peeling back layers...

im tired of fighting this 

but know i can do it

i will do it

and its going to hurt...

i intend for the next few posts to be about texas... so we'll see how it goes.  im sure i'll end up posting in segments, like the last trip... and hopefully, unlike last time, i'll finish the days.  im babysitting right now. this babysitting basically consists of an almost 12 year old and an almost 10 year old playing computer games, and me... on my computer.  i make meals, and we go out to swim. i break up virtual fights, and yeah... this is weird babysitting. my uncle described it as "easy money", and i would say the same. i'm blessed to even get to make any money while on leave... 

i have a doctor's appointment in an hour, so that should be fun. kelsey's taking me, again, fun.  my foot, is doing well. oh yeah! i had surgery on wednesday, forgot to mention that.  the surgery went really and i should be walking fairly soon... thank god for that as well. 

im eating 3 meals a day, kind of. well, im eating the equivalent.. spread out among my medicine times.  3 different people told me that i looked like i had lost weight, i have no clue, i cant stand on the scale and get an acurate reading. i feel... gross, i can't run, i can't even walk the dog... its frustrating, because i know its a good thing, and that's its only for a few weeks, just a short season, but it's still hard.  i want to take a shower... i feel lazy and... just, gross. i don't know what i'm going to do.  i have a regimented eating schedule, im getting all my food groups, and taking a multivitamin, i just feel... i cant explain it

"things are moving fast"

and im happy, really, happy

these are exciting days

i miss texas

ive been in bed for 2 hours now... and my mind is left to wander around these little places that can normally be covered up with schedule and obligations... this is difficult. 

i dropped my anthropology class for the fall, but i picked up natural disasters... i would really like to take 15 hours this semester, but i don't know if i can do it. worse case, i take the class for 2 weeks and drop it... it'll just depend on my workload i suppose... i mean, ive got the time slot open, ive got the drive to do it... i just don't know if it's possible with everything else going on.

chris is looking for a job in columbus.

he's looking to move here after the summer.

that in itself is a fairly large deal... i mean, yeah, i know people that date people that work full0time and go school... i know people that are married that work and go to school... but 40 hours at starbucks and 15 in school is a bit much. although, i should get a raise this month, and then i wont have to work as much... idk

oh, and by the way, i bought a car the day before i went to waco... it's an 89 bmw 325i...

i cant wait to get better so i can drive it...

i am an incredibly blessed person

i have an amazing boyfriend, who's right for me

i have a good job, and im a college student

i have the luxury of taking a month off for surgery

and the sweetest husky a girl could ask for

life is good, hey?

:)

so it seems like just yesterday i was planning this surgery thing... i mean, i can't believe i'm already laid up in bed... eating and taking pills every 4 hours, changing out icepacks and making sure husky goes out... love life hey?  but no, honestly, im so glad that i had the surgery, i'm finished with all that now... and now i'll get to wear shoes that fit both feet :)

ive been on vicodin since i got home... it doesn't hurt too bad, but it's supposed to get worse today. connor spent the night last night, i wish he didn't have to... he kind of just wonders around... i mean, he washed my dishes for me, and he let the dog out, but other than that.... i don't know.  if all goes well today then he'll probably go home this afternoon.

im figuring out some basic exercises i can do... it's difficult because i really can't do much that uses my body weight against me, because if i were to fall.... yeah. no.  but i did work out last night, i just took longer than it usual would've.  but, i broke a sweat and my heart was racing... probably had something to do with the meds...  im staying hydrated though, no worries. i think i might get someone to bring me some ankle weight to help work out my legs... i haven't through the full consequences of that, but it seemed like a good idea at first thought.

this post is pretty flat... i should've already blogged about texas, i just didn't have real time to do that...  i will soon, hopefully with more detail than my georgia post.  

i like Chris being my boyfriend.

he is an incredibly sweet guy.

i wish he was here.

i miss him.

me and God had a little bit of a tussle over the weekend... things between him and i have been really good these past few days... he commended me for seeking him out to wrestle with some issues, verses him having to call me out on it. i can tell that there's been growth in that part of my life, my conscience seems to be healing... if that makes sense. it seems a bit stronger than usual.

but, short synopsis of texas.... i was supposed to be there 4 days, ended up getting stuck for 10 days. turned 19 in texas.  met some awesome people. learned to throw a football, played church softball, learned to play frisbee golf...  went to his church for 2 weeks, hung out with the young adults group. ate 3 meals a day, slept normally every night, got sunburned at the youth carwash, got poison ivy in the park, hung out in a bamboo grove, and on a suspension bridge....  

will write more soon

drifting..

im dating christopher judy...

i haven't told anyone this

hmm

:)