i feel like i skipped christmas
can one, skip a holiday like christmas?
just ignore it? like another groundhog day or something..
you know, no one celebrates groundhog day
i dont even know what day it's on

i dont know.. i just feel like there was this massive materialistic build-up, tons of decorations.. so many gifts and busy people, car accidents, traffic, and a whole bunch of stress... all for a less-than-that day... dont get me wrong, im definitely not for the major christmas chaos that typically occurs around here... i just, feel like.. i missed something


?

really? realllyyy?

come on now
we're not old enough to get married
not learn-ed enough

my group needs to be single for a while longer...
i just need them for a few more years...


anna marie
where has your head gone
you work at marble slab
youre in college
you need to get your degree
please, think
think about it?

idk, im really trying to be happy for her
i really am, im supportive of whatever decision you make
i'm behind and i'll try to help and/or be there for you
i just want you to be happy


edit://

they've set the date

august 14th, 2010

at least we've got time.. eh?

three hundred
post number three double zero

where has time gone to, loves?

it seems like yesterday i was at that conference; listening to natalie grant and bawling my eyes out... and now? i just, my mind is quite divided

1/2 of me says no, stop, go back.. slow down! i dont want to grow up, i dont want to be here. i dont want to go to work... i just want to ride my bike and play with my puppy. i want to go back to that day in kids church.. that one time, singing 'crazy' at the top of my lungs with both hands in the air, jumping up and down with all of my friends... only to crash into each other giggling and grinning ear to ear... we werent worried about how our hair looked.. or if john was sitting by jane, no, we just loved jesus, and each other.. and loved life.

im crazy, no mistaken,
my hearts been overtaken
hopelessly, in love with you,
jesus... im crazy!


but the other 1/2 of me says alright now, time to buckle down. get a job, make some cash... buy a car, start some classes, jump right in. get that degree... find a good job, make some money... hurrry up kaylin, date him, fall in love... marry him, have a few kids and love jesus"


regardless, i love jesus
but i mean... time flies
and the fact stands,
that, i cant change it
i cant go back ...memories
but i need to slow down
and smell the coffee


resolutions?
next post maybe... we'll see
scattered

im off... and man...
opening 3 days in a row sucks
especially over the weekend

going to sleep now...
a blog later possibly?

it'll have to be amazing though
on the count of the fact it's number
300

wow

volkswagen cabriolet
bright freaking yellow
rattles your ears off
leaks when it rains


and i love it
absolutely love it

i just got off work
i dont have to go in for 30hrs
woot

sorry for being a butt tonight grant
i was bar for front and drive
(which btw, im getting better at)
but it still kind of... wiggs me out
i just have to focus or i screw it up

gingersnap is nasty

try the peppermint mocha twist,
with half the syrup

or, if you dont like peppermint
then go for the espresso truffle
amazing

sumatra though? good choice
christmas blend is probably better
i just didnt think about it
next time

nonsense.

no way november will see our goodbye
when it comes to december it's obvious why
no one wants to be alone at christmas time

youre looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
well, it takes one to know one, kid, i think you've got it bad
but what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag

we always find ourselves in the deepest corner of the darkest hour
we can't get much louder than this
we always lose our hearts in the strangest places
picking up the pieces we break

can't you see you're leaving me for an ugly girl
does she talk about politics and all the stuff that used to make me sick
does she smoke cigars and stay up late, oh she's so great

cover up with make up in the mirror
tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
you cry alone and then he swears he loves you

meaningfulless

i need a list

mom, for the millionth time
i dont want anything

kaylin, it's not all about you
it's about other people wanting to buy you things
because they love you... and you should let them,
youre being ridiculous

but mom, i dont want anything.. so if they (you) really just wanted to get me a gift because they (you) loved me.. then they (you) would understand that i really, really.. dont want anything. therefore understanding, that not buying me a gift would be a better present than anything youre about to spend money on

whatever kaylin

tonight was good

i love candles
i love guitars
i love the kaples


i knew i should have talked to that boy.. i dont know his story, i dont know where he came from.. but as soon as i walked in i noticed him. i asked amanda hey, do you know him? where's he from? what's his name? but she didnt know and i didnt follow up on it... instead, i went into the other room, grabbed a cup of coffee... and he walked right out the door. but what gets me is, on top of the fact that i didnt even reach out in the first place.. i spent way too long deliberating whether or not to go after him. i had all sorts of excuses. its almost dark, its downtown, hell be back, hes probably just smoking, maybe he had to make a phone call, maybe he just needed some air, etc etc etc

deep breath

i have a feeling i couldnt have handled it anyway
regardless, i should have said something,
i should have offered, a hello
an introduction
anything

and i missed it

grant, youre amazing

for some reason i keep calling him toby... i just can't get keller to stick.
plus, my family insists that his name will forever be tobias... idk.

this is so stupid
its just a name

this might sound terribly weird... but i love the fact that there's another living, breathing, warm body sleeping with me in my bed. dog or not, the feeling and closeness of sleeping beside another is..
no comparison to sleeping alone.

i think im slightly obsessed with this blog
i love going back and just reading old entries
i remember how bad some of this crap hurt
i know how hard it was for me to cope..
with just, life

and i know where i am now
and i understanding my feelings from then
and i am so glad, to be able to come here
and just, remember

some things never change(d)
some people will always be the same
some stories wont ever be told
but mine, is written :)

hmm

im working a grand total of 37.5 hours this week... thank God. it seems like whenever i dont have a lot of hours, or something to keep me busy, i get a lot psycho. i love most of the people i work with.. i like my job... my manager loves me, and my assistant manager is slowly coming around. yet, i feel out of place sometimes.. idk, hopefully it'll get better with time.

i've talked about transferring to bradley park location, apparently there might be a position opening up soon... but idk, i mean, as much as i love simon (the manager), and the store itself, i just dont know if i want to leave my new found people. because, they're just that, my people.

keller is easily the most relaxed, sweetest puppy i've ever had. granted, i've only had him a week, but he's just very easy to adore, and loves everyone. he's not deaf, thank God. and i think i've finally settled on his name. geez, i didnt know i could be that effected by what everyone else thinks... his name must've changed 7 times.

double tall one-pump toffee-nut w/ whip latte

amanda played in her recital tonight... i start lessons next week. im thoroughly stoked. i need to be playing, i know im good at it, i know i have a lot to learn, and i want to be able to play, just to be able to sit down and play through a whole song would be such an accomplishment. such a high.

i have mocha on my arms
and keller's persistently trying to clean it off
how sweet of him

im saturating my thought blog with this dog
trying to push other topics away

keller
because i really did/do think/thought he was deaf... "keller" is a cute name, and when you say it enough it turns into "killer" ...which is quite hilarious.

fritz
because it's an awesome name

tobias
or "toby" my original name, it's cute, yet sophisticated... a little overused, maybe. but idk, it's a decent name. regardless of the fact that there's cute boy i work with named toby.

walter/winston
grant's pick... i dont like it

persecutor of the brethren
"persy" for short
grant 2nd pick, lame

toby, hendrix, stone

my mom was all for it
but my dad, not so much

"how about a kitten?
... or like, a yorkie? maltese?"

something small
hmm

feel's much better
redecorate, move some furniture
change your blog around

it's refreshing

so im jusy going to start typing and see what happens
basically im ticked off at life for stupid, petty, crappy reasons


situation one
i feel like crap... i dont know if im sick, or just tired, or what. and on top of that, ive had this headache for almost 4 days. im considering calling a doctor. i hate the doctor, but if this keeps going on... ugh.

topic 2
i need tears. apparently i dont cry enough, and when i dont cry enough my eyes get really dry, my contacts become brittle.. and then, then, they rip and here i am... in glasses. when i wear glasses i feel like im an observer in someone elses life... i literally take a backseat in perception, its weird

three
john mayer. john freaking mayer. i love him, i love his music... and im not exagerating. unfortunately every song has been tainted by jason davis. jason freaking davis. i cannot listen to john without thinking about jason. i never thought i'd be that girl.. that one teenage basket case that cant move on. it's over kaylin. grow up

for
christmas is extremely soon... it's depressingly soon... i swear im not trying to be cynical and negative... it's just my personality. christmas marks the end of the year, christmas is... a stress-filled holiday, probably the most stressed filled. and i cannot handle it. i cant. i cant handle life, much less life with gift buying and people pleasing and christmas parties and realizing how old i am, and those stupid stupid stupid black dresses that i will end up wearing 4973857693 times during this season

5 (golden rings)
i love Jesus.. i do, i just, i just.. for the life of me i cannot understand him recently.. not that i cant understand what hes doing, and such. it's just that im trying terribly hard to hear him and what im hearing sounds like swedish.. or polish?

se- six
why does every think i slept with jason? for real, you know how many times that's been referenced just, today? i swear... at least once a day. and it's not that they really think that, just the fact that they would sarcastically bring it up is just... just.. retarded

life x seven
the killers, the beatles, and beyonce have kept me sane today
oh, and travis reed

ate (nine)
i complain way to much... in fact, let me complain about how much i complain for a second here.. i know im blessed, i know i live in a great neighborhood, and have transportation, and a good job.. decent friends.. good leadership, and in general im surrounded by a positive atmosphere... and yet, i feel like.. like, sh*t

9
swearing is bad for you
i never swear






i dont know guys.. life is just a pond
im drowning in a pond

and im calling out for help
screaming out for help

screaming out for help
in a blog that no one can read

tomorrow, i turn 17 and half
at 17.5, having been in 1 relationship,
kissed 2 boys, walked over countless friends,
laughed way too much, taken life for granted
eaten too much, and too little
life is... is

i need some sushi
and a cigarette






judd patterson is the light of my life
i cannot be around him and not laugh

the space between work and play
or.. as it seems like as of late, work and work

im drowning in monotonous
monotonous, coffee and campbell's

currently listening to

face down - red jumpsuit apparatus
the killers
pocket full of rocks
if i were a boy - beyonce
coldplay (of course)
the fray
sufjan stevens
always and forever - taylor swift
the beatles
owl city
brandon heath (on occasion)
jack johnson
michael buble
matt kearney
stop and stare - onerepublic
jonny lang


and countless others
i really like music

trying to buy my brothers christmas presents is like pulling teeth... they're so picky. and then, when you finally find something you know they'll like - its $50. i wish i could go back in time when we all went to the dollar store, man, those were the days... and it didnt matter what i got for them, or vice versa. just the fact that we got to buy for each other was fun enough for the 4 of us..

army men were the craze.. maybe a matchbox car...
oh and stickers! the sticker phase was inredible

but as of late they've gotten so..
not materialistic, just, idk.. different
maybe they're just growing up, maybe im getting old

maybe we'll do giftcards

im not sad..
im just not happy

im content
or at least...
im trying to be
i say i am

but i want something
or maybe so

no, no..

i dont,
want,
anything,
persay


idk what's wrong with me you guys
im just... maybe i just need some, sleep?

*deep breath*

im not stressed
im not sick

i dont have too much on my mind
or maybe.. i do?


i cant even think straight
i haven't had any coffee
im not "crashing"

i've been like this
for about.. a week?
or two

*sigh*

im just tired of this monotonous
and yeah, monotonous is now a noun