Joy

It's far too often that I allow my circumstances to steal my joy. its far too often that I let things that dont really matter get me down. Its far too often that I allow rough times impact who I am, and who I am intented to be. I was created in the image of an all-powerful, all-loving, all-forgiving God. My purpose in life is to praise Him, and portray his love to everyone around me. but far too often, i fail to let His love shine because of my circumstances. And when I allow my joy to be put out, I find it so hard to let Christ's love be alive in me.

So often is this the case- that we dont have joy because we dont love, and dont let Christs love live in us. So much joy is found in loving people the way that God loves them- unconditionally. Its when we discover the meaning of true love, the way it was intended that we will learn to live in joy and happiness.

We were created to love- the Bible say that we love because Christ first loved us. We dont need to have world peace, we dont need to give all we have to the poor, we dont need to do good works and be good people- We simply need to love the Lord and everyone around us. we need to see people from the inside out, the way that Christ sees them. We need to step out of our comfort zones and choose love the unloveable, whoever that may be. And out of this genuine love, all these things will happen. Because we love people too much to see them in poverty, we will give what we have to bless them as God has blessed us. We will have peace when it starts in our own hearts, and we will do good because we love people and want to see them blessed.

And once we understand this true love, we will truly have joy- not the kind that comes and goes with circumstances, but joy that is eternal.

Thats the kind of joy that I want to live in.



Good night love.

peace. [&joy]

I mixed the sound for church tonight.. that was fun. lol, I'm used to running it for my Dad but trying not to mess up the church system is totally different. I mean, I'm ok w/ it as long as no one knows I'm using it... but in front of people is weird. *rolls eyes*

This Dude at church asked me what college I went to... he thought I was PJ's intern... haha, I wish.

I got a new hoodie... it pretty much rocks.

PJ might at some point read this... I told him if he updated his fruits of the spirit blog, I would give him my address. Currently only one other person in real life has it (Mrs Michelle), it might be a little weird having 2 people I know read my thoughts... but I think I can handle it. *wink*

Like I stated in an earlier post... my love language is phys. touch. At that point I had only thought it was... but now I pretty much know. But it also works the reverse way... If I'm mad at someone, or don't like someone I won't even like shake hands... *shudders* I can think of a few right now...

My face is breaking out. Urgh.

Anyway, I gotta get up early to babysit tomorrow... Good night!

peace. -ksto

Sorry, no update tonight... I gotta practice my Sonate.

I'm sick of not being good enough, I've got no excuses regarding that section of my life.

peace. =Ksto

Okay, Christmas wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be.

Even though I had to see my homosexual great-uncle and his "partner", along w/ my racist Grandfather. *wink* Fun fun fun... not to mention listening to a 10-minute phone convo about my Grandparent's dog's kidney stones, and the horrific surgery she underwent.

*shudders*

I got some great gifts, but it's kinda funny because most of them have to be returned... lol. But I do get to keep my sonic toothbrush, (= It's rad.

tired. Good night!

peace.

You're Invited!

Christmas Eve at Kaylin's house.

Yule have lots of tears and tons of drear,
We just can't wait to see you here!


urgh my father.

I'm so sick of him. I feel so bad for him though. We def. have a love/hate relationship. He's "so sick" and feels horrible all the time - which I can understand. But what I don't understand is how in the world he manages to always be mad at me, and lose his mind 9867804750 times a day. Urgh, yelling at me for stupid little things, things that I can't control, people that I can't control, I can't stand it. I guess he thinks that as long as we look like a wonderful, close family. It automatically gives him the right to do whatever he wants when people aren't watching. He just takes out his frustration on me. I used to think maybe I was just reading to far into it, or making it up. But when things get bad, - financially, emotionally, physically - He gets stressed and I get yelled at.

Okay, end of vent. *deep breath*

update later.

[peace] - [kaylin]

I believe that God loves me, I know He loves me, and I want to embrace Him as the lover of me and my soul, yet I am keeping my distance purposefully. Like, it's not against my will, but I don't want it to be this way with all of my heart... if that makes any sense. I want to feel God's love, but I don't want to be vulnerable enough to let God love me. Mutually exclusive, I know. Hence the problem. My spiritual life could be summed up like this... "God, I want to feel near to you, but I don't really want to be close to you." Again, confusing. Issues I'm dealing with.

Tired... can't sleep. Advilpm? In my parents bathroom.... I might risk it though.

[kaylin]

So today was okay. Wasn't too horrible... wasn't too great. (I'm never sure where to use "to" and where to use "too" and I'm to lazy to google it, so just bear w/ me) (lol)

I think I'm gonna go w/ the gift card idea... and probably like their fave candy to go with it. I'm just sick of fruitless shopping. Speaking of fruit... I could def. use an apple right now. (=

Okay, so today my parents and I were sitting in Logan's, at like 6pm right, and I had eaten at like 3, so needless to say I wasn't hungry. So I said "I don't think I'm going to get anything right now. I'll just get something when we get home" and my Mom was like "ok". Well, when the server got there I said "I don't think I'm going to have anything tonight, but thank you anyway." well then my Dad was like "You need to get something." and I said "but I'm not hungry" and Dad was like "just get a baked potato or something" (and of course i cringed... carbs) and I was like "no Dad, I'm not hungry" and he gave me this weird look, so of course, I ordered a side salad w/ light Italian.

Well, when the server left I said, "Jeez Dad we already talked about this, I wasn't going to eat anything" and he was like "you need to eat because every time you don't I get a phone call" and of course instead of just shrugging it off, stupid me asked "what are you talking about?" and my Mom was like "yeah, it was a big deal, Mrs. Christie was worried when she went on choir tour w/ y'all and she called Mrs. Laura, who in turn called me... We were upset about it, and basically told them all off, and called Pastor Jason" (and this all happened back in like, July). I can't believe people would do that. I wish she'd have just come up to me in the middle of choir and asked if I wasn't eating... not inform the world.

I hate it. I got the most awful feeling in my upper abdomen, like I had done about 1,000 crunches (which btw I have done before)... I just shrugged it off of course. No way was about to open up that can of worms. I hate it though, I hate the fact that my parents denied it, and defended me.... I hate it all. I just wanted to purge. I just wanted to crawl in my bed. But I couldn't... and I didn't.

Instead I called Mrs. Michelle... I love her.

I want to ask PJ about it, I remember something happening on tour... weird phone calls, weird looks, people asking me weird questions. I asked plenty myself but I always got the "It's nothing for you to worry about" answer.... I hate that answer.

Anyway, I'll probably write some more tomorrow. I'm tired. 'Night.

[peace] - [kaylin]

After a long day of not buying gifts, I am seriously considering buying all my friends gift cards. I mean, I should know what they want, I spend practically all my time w/ them. But I cannot for the life of me decide on anything... ideas would be greatly appreciated.

update later.

[peace] - [kaylin]

So, nothing monumental has happened in my personal life. I mean, my friends have all got a billion things going on, but not me. So me not doing anything new = me not blogging. Sorry. =(

But anyway, back to my friends... 2 of them got their first kisses this week, one's 15 (Chelsea) and the other just turned 18 (Hannah). You might think that's a little old, but neither one of them have ever dated anyone else seriously before. Not to say that there sheltered, or not attractive, because they're both gorgeous, this is just the way they lived their life. I think it's cool. I have another friend (Amanda) who's fallen in love (again) the same one who I prayed for last week. *sighs* Idk what to tell her, she says she really likes this one, (btw he's beautiful) but I know she's just going to get her heart broken. I feel awful for her, and I feel unable to control her life (because I am). Always not enough - yup that would be me.

On the other end of my friendships I've got Lizzie, who's one of the most beautiful girls I know, and who's not dating... sometimes she says she wants a boyfriend, other times single life is great, I can relate. Oh, and you can't forget about Anna, her boyfriend of almost 4months told her he loved her Saturday night, she said she cried (tears of joy). I really like this boy for her... I just wished she had saved him for last. Ya know? Now, last but not least, there's Lindsey, sweet Lindsey, she and Justin broke up. (they had been dating for almost 18months) Everybody thought they were going to get married, turns out everybody was wrong.

Emotions emotions, right now I'm just happy to be watching, I'm only 15, I've got time.

In other news, February 2007 I'll have been playing the piano for 3years, that's a long time. You would think I might have gotten somewhere by now, but nope. Still in the same place. It irks me.

I got my permit yesterday.... I'm happy to finally legally be on the road. (=

I think I've come to the conclusion that my love language is physical touch. For awhile I denied it, because I hated to be touched... in any way, I couldn't stand it. Even when like my pastors would come up and hug me, *shivers* I just could not handle it. I would get all nervous and walk away. But now it's getting better, there are actually a few select people I let into my bubble now, kinda let a few of my walls down with, ya know? *counts* 4 to be exact, well really only 3 but my senior pastor is always hugging on me so I have to count him, I don't mind... but I wish we could just shake hands or something... =P

I'm singing on the worship team for the first time Sunday, *shivers* I'm deathly afraid. I don't wanna fall off the stage or something... pray for me.

I still have to buy Christmas presents. I promise my friends are the hardest to buy for. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, I've got to go to bed now.. Good night all!

[peace] - [kaylin]

I just spent like, 10 minutes blogging and just accidentally deleted it all.

I mean, not that any of it was important... but still.

goodnight.

[peace] - [kaylin]

I purged twice today. I don't want to type about it.

plus, our concert stunk.

okay, well it didn't really stink too bad, but it wasn't good, that's for sure. PJ forgot our music for ensemble, so we tried to sing Ah Capella, yeah. whatever. they couldn't even give us our first notes.... so we sang three words and that was it. kablamn, it blew up in our faces. 0_o how embarrassing. anyway, i g2g to sleep now... update tomorrow.

[peace] - [kaylin]

ps - i finally got my computer cord! *is excited*

So, I haven't been able to think of anything good to write lately... sorry guys. Uhm, letsee... *thinks* My brother's a butt. But we already knew that didn't we? Hehe, anyway, he doesn't want to be in youth choir at church because a few select people that are in it annoy him. I'm like "Okay, quit, but you need to tell someone." and is that what he does? nope. He just doesn't show for practice. Which stinks because then I'm left w/ a bunch of people asking "Where's Cason?" and of course I'm all like "Idk"... Hey, am I my brothers keeper? He can fight his own battles. At least.. I hope he can... since he's almost 18. =P

The choir's singing tonight at the mall, (a different one from last time) We're gonna do rad. Like always. *rolls eyes* I wanted to go for a run today... but I got all ready to go and my Mom's like, "Uhh your not going anywhere" so I didn't.

I need to get some new long-sleeved shirts... I've got like 2 and it's starting to get cold. Scratch that. It's getting warmer actually. It's so weird. GA's got the funniest weather... but I love it. It's 3:05 and I'm ready to go. But we're not leaving until like 5. *disappointed face* I turned 15.5 on 12/12, that was my deadline to get my learners... so now there's no way to get my license on my 16th birthday... it makes me mad. I mean, I know we don't have the money... but it's been 6months. You'd think we would have gotten by now. You'd think.

I'm glad Bri got a blog... So now I know that there's actually someone reading this junk. I mean I guess it doesn't really matter whether someone reads it or not... it's kinda like an ejournal I guess. But it's still cool. Peety's the best. *winks*

[peace] - [kaylin]

Sorry I didn't update again last night... I went to bed instead. (Hey, that rhymed!)

I've got youth choir tonight... fun fun fun. I'm a little scared about the Christmas thing coming up (Sunday night) not scared for the youth choir... but scared for the ensemble. We keep having to miss practice 'cause other people can't be there. It's not like we have multiple songs, we only have like a third of a song, but still. If we don't get on it and focus, then we wont be ready. I really like our song though, it's got cheesy lyrics, but it's gotta great feel.

I went for that walk today, but I couldn't find anything "picture worthy" I guess you would say. Everything looks so bland lately, it's like looking for color in a black and white world. Red hots are one of my new favorite things, I heart them. I still haven't gotten my computer cord from my G-ma's house. I need to though, I'm sick of having to sit in the kitchen to blog. I have a friend on the Internet who pierced her lip... and then her Mom got mad and she had to take it out... Hahaha. (kinda off subject I know)

My dog is crazy. So we went for that walk today right, and we were walking past a tall fence and all of a sudden this huge Rottweiler comes running out from around the corner (inside the fence) and Dumplin, - instead of getting scare and running away - runs right at the dog, stupid, I know. Anyway, she's still alive, and so am I, so it's okay. =P

Maybe another update later... I can't think of anything else.

[peace] - [kaylin]

Ahh, the wonders of using someone Else's computer... I don't like it.

Anyway, letsee, I haven't updated in awhile. Well I had a pretty busy weekend, not anything to exciting, but busy. Highlights were youth choir concert[s] an a kids choir play, which btw was adorable. Both of our choir gigs went well, Sunday morning during percussion I accidentally threw a stick across the room, but it was still good. (=

I have a friend who might want Dumplin (my dog), but she's not sure yet. So I'm just waiting. I'm order to get my license on my birthday, I need to get my learners either today or tomorrow. But my Mom wont call the lady to get the forms I need so I don't know if I'll ever get them or not... I hate being home schooled. I'm thinking about going for a walk... and maybe taking some a few pictures, but it'll depend on whether or not I feel like getting my lazy butt out of the warm house, and into the cold weather. urgh.

I told PJ that that night when I was crying it had nothing to do w/ him, or Zach. He looked surprised, and then asked "why then?". I tryed to shrug it off w/ a "You know me, I'm a teenage girl, the slightest thing goes wrong and I crumble -- fall apart ya know?" He said he didn't think that was a very correct observation. He really wanted me to tell him, as did Mrs. Michelle Saturday morning. But, I can't. I feel like I've told all my secrets, I've completely drained myself... I feel exposed and (omg I can't think of the right word) Anyway, you get the jist.

urgh, maybe another update when everybody goes to sleep and leaves me alone.

[peace] - [kaylin]

OK, so I lied. I can't update because I don't have my computer power cord...

And I have to be able to check email for the rest of the day.

But I do love you guys, and I'll update when I get power.

[peace] - [kaylin]

sorry no update... haven't been at home.

promise a big update tomorrow.

love you guys.

[peace] - [kaylin]

I would love to be a photographer, I love pictures. But not the normal "sunset" or "clouds" pics, I like the abnormal ones. I mean, I don't think that's what God's plan is for me, but it would still be cool. I don't often take pictures, because I can't seem to find the time, mainly because I'm too busy updating my blog... but you know. I cut my dogs hair yesterday... and I have to admit, it looks pretty good. *proud face*

I realized yesterday that one of the main topics always in the back of my head is whether or not I'm going to miss anything, or just pass by beautiful moments, and constantly I try to manipulate situations...

I mean like take yesterday for example, I was snapping a few pictures along my dog walk, and thinking about how it's going to effect my life, or if I would ever look back on that moment, or maybe I'll stumble across a profound landmark in my life and just pass it by. I then realized that if I didn't have my dog w/ me, I could get allot more done, take allot more pics, maybe something worth looking at... But then it wouldn't a dog walk. I over examine things. Often. Too often. I never do anything simple, always multi-tasking. I don't like it.

I don't want to forget to stop and smell the roses, I'm looking for signs that somethings going to change, fall on my head, etc. -- Instead of just taking in the beauty of the lake. I try to be very perceptive and present, I don't like it when I zone out. I don't want to miss anything. But then again, when I zone out it allows for all kinds of new thoughts, and ideas to enter my brain, kind of like a trap door has been opened. So I don't want to miss that either. I just want to get the best I can out of life... whether I'm zoned in or not.

[peace] - [kaylin]

I like online forums, I like the anonymity. I like the fact that no one online knows who I am, or where I've been, I'm often the most real over the Internet. And I find that sad. It's like, "Who cares if I mess up, they don't know me, what are they gonna say?" But I like it. I've got a few very good friends over the Internet, who know me better than allot of my "real" friends. Scary thought huh?

::edit::

Am I the only who blogs their journal? I fell in love with the "next blog" button, as have so many others, but Im constantly having to skim through tons of adds, and political pages, to even find a real person. Anyone else feel the same? Idk, also, I'm going to start commenting on random journal-ish blogs... I like getting random comments, so I figure other people do too.

::edit::

Okay, so I've been scouring the blogs for people like me... no such luck. The people that do update everyday, put like 3 lines of text. Grr. Hey! If there's anyone out there who likes blogging regularly, give me a comment! Come on folks show some love.

::edit::

I'm lying in my bed. My stomach is going to burst.
And I ate less than my 9yr old brother.
sad? very.

[peace] - [kaylin]

I don't like going down to the altar. So I don't do it. I do my alone time w/ God privately. Not in front a bunch of people w/ mascara running all down my face. Except of course... those few select times when God was pulling me so hard I had to be there.

Tonight was not one of those times.

But I did pray for a friend... boy trouble. To tell you the truth, I did not want to pray for her... because I knew what was coming, and it's very hard for me to be sympathetic. Man, I just can't stand it and I wanna say "Well, [friend] if you just hadn't made-out w/ that other guy then [boyfriend] wouldn't be upset" but I can't say that kinda thing to a frail teenage girl who's having a mental breakdown?? Can I? I mean of course I can't. That would be inconsiderate. urgh. So after she basically poured her heart out into my white t-shirt, she sat there, waiting for advice, words of wisdom, a fortune cookie, anything that would offer her peace. So, I told her the truth. I said "[friend] you know I love you more than you'll ever know. (friend nods) But I really think you need to get out of all of these relationships, and find God, and yourself through him, before you have a steady boyfriend. Be okay by yourself first." Then of course she looked like a whipped puppy. "Have you prayed about it?" I ask, half expecting her answer.... "Well you know, a little..." "Then you know what you need to do" I said, hugging her. "Yeah, I guess I do." she said.

And that was the end, I felt/feel like such a hypocrite.. who am I to give advice?

no one.

[peace] - [kaylin]

That song has been so stuck in my head like, since Sunday. lol Last night I slept alright, I did have some nightmares but they weren't to bad... *shrugs* Anyway, I've got youth tonight, and then ensemble after... fun fun fun. We've got a concert coming up, and all of us will be there... so we might have a chance of actually sounding good, (=

Blogger beta is awesome. I used to have a blogger account, but I got sick of having to wait to "Publish" all the time, so as much as I wanted to stay here I did end up going back to my Xanga... *disappointed face* But I'm back now and w/ all the changes I think I'm here to stay, =)

I'm going to start posting my intake on here, just to keep track. Just ignore it, lol. I want so bad to type out those calories... but I'm fighting it. My stomach hurts though, so there probably wont be much more food today. I am in control of this. Not anyone else, me. I can keep myself from purging if I want to, I just can't give in. I've got enough willpower, I know that.

Intake:
- special k w/ light soymilk
- half an apple
- coffee w/ splenda

So I lied... I ate some lasagna, but I didn't know it had cheese in it.
So of course, me (being the intolerant one I am) threw it up.
And what sucks is, my Mom just watched me eat it, knowing I would get sick.

[peace] - [kaylin]

Weird title I know. But I like the way it sounds... it's gotta good ring.

I was just thinking about how, (now that I told someone) how hard it would be to stop eating again... I mean, completely and deliberately that is. The whole "accountability factor" would get to me. I don't think I could pull that off, lying day in and day out, now that I've "come clean" ::so to speak::. I'm not saying that I haven't thought about food today, or that my whole personality has changed and everything is care-free and perfect. Just that it would be hard to go back... probably about as hard as it is to go forward. But at least heading forward I'll have something to show for it, so I've been told. right?

I don't know if I've made any sense whatsoever to anybody else out there... But I made sense to me.

[peace] - [kaylin]

I don't like being at home all day... it's just so bland. I like doing things. At about 3am I took 3 AdvilPm's, and I slept till 10:32 today, no nightmares. I didn't even dream. I really want ice cream right now. We don't have any though... haha.

I can't think of anything to write.

I want to write, because I'm bored....

But there's just nothing to be written.

*sad face*

[peace] - [kaylin]

Everybody is just putting on a show? Playing a game? Like no one's real? Everybody's wearing a mask. Terrified to take it off.... in case someone's looking. And then people love to stand around and wait, wait for someone else to slip up, and try to be real, so they can trample them and pick apart everything they really are. That's what I feel like, lost in this game of life. Will I ever make it out alive? Only time will tell....

[peace]
-kaylin

Did you know that Natalie Grant was bulimic? Well, I didn't. This past weekend at that conference she was gave her testimony, it was awesome. But, I fell apart, I couldn't stop crying, I felt so "guilty-as-charged" I couldn't stop, tears were streaming down my face. An adult who was w/ us came over and wrapped me up in her arms, she started praying for me and quietly asked "Kaylin, is it about the food?" at that I crumbled. I just sat there as she began to weep and pray over me, we talked for a few minutes, she said that she had been so scared for me, that she saw my personality change and had known something was wrong... all I could think was

::::: am I really that transparent? :::::

The truth is I frequently stop eating, and when I do eat, I purge it.

I can't stand that feeling of being full, I can't stand that little lump on my stomach. Earlier this year I got down to below 100lbs. And at 5'5'' that's not a good thing. I started wearing sweats under my jeans and really big hoodies to hide it, I pasted on that plastic smile to look like everybody else. That's what everyone wants anyway right?

"Just smile and nod, hold your chin up and everything will be ok"

I just wanted to be beautiful, like everybody else... But I'm not, I'm not tan, or pretty or slender... I often feel like a girl in a guys body... six-pack and all. ugh. gross.
But I'd trade it in a second. For one day as any of my friends....

Now I just want to be real, just be me, but I can't. I don't even know who "me" is anymore, "me" was lost the day I knelt on that cold, hard, tile floor for the first time, and shoved my finger down my throat. For me, it was a control thing, I couldn't control anything in my life, my Dad's sick and in the bed all the time, our finances aren't there, and my parents are always arguing about money.... I hate that. I knew not eating wouldn't make it easier, but purging that food is like, a release mechanism. And in some twisted way, I liked it. I figured, I control my food, I control my weight... and so I did... I guess I'll have a great testimony one day.... But right now I feel so gross, so unworthy, so guilty.

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

You see, this past month has been really hard, my parents are trying to get this new buisness off the ground, and everything was getting out-of-control. I guess you could say I had a "relapse" I don't even like typing that... like it's some kind of disease. But after this weekend, I think through God I've gotten over the bulk of this "thing", but it's going to be hard.

I went to church yesterday... pasted on the smile, and ate. I couldn't stand it, I can't stand the fact that now I don't even have the choice to get rid of it, it scares me to even think of throwing up my food now, but hurts to keep it all inside, idk.... I'm just twisted.

I'll be back on later maybe...

[peace]
-kaylin