"trav.. you should take off that sweater, i know you're stoned..

but you look like youre getting pretty hot as well"

dominic: "oh, woah... kale, are you coming on to travis?"

"no... ha... no way"

travis: "man, i wish...
but... she's too pure"

and i'll take that as a complement,

score one for the boys.

i had missed grant, it was good to see him. we sat outside at veterans for awhile... just chatting about different things... it was comfortable. 

it was good to see chris interact with my friends, with grant, with caleb... even with kelsey - in her red skinny jeans. it was good. i watched chris a lot when he was here, i watched his face when controversial things were said, i watched him sprint with my dog in cooper creek, i watched him take insult after terrible insult from my father, sitting at the kitchen table, and he just took it... with humility and what looked like fear, i watched him roll his bag into the terminal... i guess you could say that i was observation mode as well. saturday night cohen called me, crying his eyes out. i talked to him for half an hour or so... trying to comfort him. but i didn't understand the ramifications of what he was enduring at the time. broken-hearted, i hung up the phone, and (after much deliberation) knocked on chris' door...

i woke him up, at 1230, almost 1 in the morning... i needed somebody, and no one else was home. he put his arms around me and told me that it was going to be okay.. that i couldn't do anything to fix it... and i believed him, i trusted him. we sat there for awhile, and then somehow or another we got onto the conversation of loving God, and being in love with who He is... Chris says that he wants to be in love with God, bu he's not... and that, ultimately, breaks me. i want him to experience the relationship i have with my Father, i want to understand fullness in being with Him... and while, i cannot say that he doesn't... i can see that he doesn't. that's big for me. i want him to see. i remember his blogs years ago... on this same subject, and so does he. i want things to be different, i want things to be radical. i want to experience a radical experience, some days... i just want to shake his analytical thoughts... but it's who he is. i don't know.. i have a lot of thoughts about this...

sunday, went really well.. and terrible.

i got up at 4 or 5.. climbed into his bed...

ferverously tried to wake him up, but he refused

"it's the day of rest"

which, while completely true... i mean, i was awake, i had showered... i had started my day, and he was behind. he wrestled me to the floor and was quite persistent in his decision to rest.  i was at ease, i was off work, but i was excited for him to go to church, i wanted to see him worship. he didnt get up until 1045 or so... he just laid on my floor, making my puppy jealous. church went well, nothing too crazy happened, but the worship was good, and the sermon as well. after church we went for mexican with my family, and a few others... 21 people in total. i sat next to Chris, across from my parents. my father grilled him. i felt awkward, and i felt inept. i wanted to step in, i wanted to stop the madness, i could feel the stress, i could sense that this lunch wasn't normal... people weren't themselves. everyone was on edge, waiting for him to slip up. but he didn't... and that surprised them i think. after lunch we rented "the matrix" and went home to watch it... sunday afternoons are meant for naps, but the movie was good, no lie. i liked it. after the movie we lazed around a bit and then went to thedoor. grant talked about relationships, he talked about sex, he talked about mutual masturbation. it was good, grant did well. he made a few more silly comments than normal.. and you could tell he was a bit tense, but all in all, it was good stuff, it was meat. after thedoor we went with the usual group to cheddars... chris' fault. i wanted to go downtown and walk, but having not communicated that, we went to cheddars. dinner was good, it was fun... 

i held lily for a bit after the service, and listened to chris play the guitar... i like him. i like that he makes music. every sunday night i hold children, and every sunday i leave wanting a baby, and this night wasn't any different.  it's not because of Chris.. i don't think. but, i do legitimately want a baby, i want to be a mom, i want to be pregnant... and these desires are relatively new.  lately i find myself reading up on homeschool vs public school... and children raised in foreign countries. i want to do that, Chris aside, i want to be involved in full-time ministry. i want to raise my children in an environment where they can see both side of the story, where they experience the good and the bad of ministry, and i pray that they come out better for it - as i feel that i have. i want to be that mom, i want to be an incredible mom.. and God tells me that i will be. God tells me not to worry about my system, that i'm going to have children, He has promised it. i'm excited... prematurely, yes. but excited is good i think.

regardless... on to monday...

- - - - - 

to take a break from the story

i've been getting hit on more than normal

i don't like it, i am not an object, i dont like boys

this is my blog

i don't need to feel like i'm being boisterous, prideful, full of myself, or whatever... i'm not the prettiest girl on the street, i don't dress like a slut... i don't understand. im a cute kid.. i know this.. but i just, i don't know what's happening here. i feel like im in heat.
and im attracting dogs. 

but why?

lolly says that i'm just one of those cute girls... the one's that aren't uniquely pretty. she says that guys like me because im likable. i dont want to be likable. i dont want to be average. i want to be someone that is different, that attracts different people, unique people. lolly... lolly is one those people, she is different, and you can tell. she is beautiful, but in a different way. in a simple complex way.

i dont know what's wrong with me.

i haven't changed anything about myself

im not intentionally putting myself out there

i dont know what is happening to my world

but yeah, my world, its my world, its my life 

i can say no.. i've had to say no a lot.. 

im not used to having to say no

not used to these boys

i dont know

playing a game with someone i didn't even know. 

i took the dog everywhere with me, it's become quite the little habit... he likes the attention, and i like(d) the distraction. friday was fine, after much debating and little decision making (which continued through the course of the weekend) we headed downtown... parked behind fountain city, and start walking... we went down the river walk, over the state line, and back to the car... we walked for an hour and a half. i still didn't know how to treat chris, and i told him that. i didn't know whether to flirt with him, or treat him like connor... showing him around town. i wrestled with that chasm in my mind for majority of the time chris was here, i knew how i felt about him, i know him fairly well i would think... but not vice versa. we left downtown and went to manchester for dog water and passion tea. brent and aiden came in shortly after us, and stayed out on the patio for a bit. brent was good for conversation, and he came up with a few ideas of what to do next, i felt lost. i wasn't used to not being around people that know me. the american girl that my mother has brought me to be felt obligated to entertain him. but i just wanted to sit in the kitchen, drink coffee and sort things out. i wanted him to talk to me.

"so... have you decided if i'm pretty or not?"  ... "no". oh, awesome.

sidenote: thursday night we went to brave heart rock. im connected to that place for many reasons, namely being andrew... betsy... lolly... it was the first place i ever smoked, and it was the first place where i ever felt like someone outside of my family truly cared for me. i shouldn't have taken chris there, then. i should've waited, should've should've should've... doesn't matter much now, it's a pretty place. we went swimming there a few days ago, it's lovely and secluded, dirty and wonderful...

friday we eventually got around to finishing up gladiator and buying groceries... we went to clearview for lunch, where i discovered that barbque was different in georgia, to chris's dismay. caleb went with us, he was good company. when he got to my house prior to lunch he hugged me, i needed him to hug me... because he knows me.  immediately he asked me what was wrong... and i honestly didn't know, i just know that i felt alone. and small. still. i honestly don't know when that changed, when i felt he was actually my friend, i could narrow it down to monday night, i could say that until we were challenged together, that everything was mechanical... but i think it was before that, i hope it as before that... chris hugged me good night on friday. which was a comfort, i felt like i wasn't completely insane. walmart for groceries was interesting.. i just followed the boy around, watching him pick apples and decide on juice... it was enlightening. i often wonder about the guys in walmart, buying food that's good for them, by themselves. too often they're there for beer and sugar... it's comforting to know that some of guys i see in walmart have a decent hold on life... chris bought groceries, and a skillet for pancakes. him buying things.. felt awkward. im not used to it, im not used to any of this... but that small part of the equation had a weird vibe to it. im not sure why... gladiator was a good movie, not a favorite, but a good film nonetheless.

saturday morning i met amanda early for coffee.
we talked about her life, about caleb, and about the last few days...

"do you think it'll work? do you think he's right?"
"i honestly don't know babe, i don't know him here. he doesn't know me here. this visit and our relationship haven't combined.  it feels like i just met him, still... i pray a lot"...
"you always pray a lot"..

she smiled, it's true.

we went back to my house after, chris was just getting up and he made pancakes. he hugged amanda in the kitchen, and i would say, that i was jealous.. but i wasn't.  i hadn't made made any definitive decisions on who he was, and that just added another thing to the discard pile... after amanda left, we went to cooper creek... it as good for the pup, and i had a good time. i still don't know how chris felt about his visit here.. i wonder sometimes, i wonder what he was thinking when i dragged him down the hill into someone's backyard.. i wonder what was going through his mind when he was stuck in the sun, getting burned. i wonder what he thought when i was giving my puppy a bath in the front yard... i dont know. eventually we ended back up at the house for lunch, i didnt eat anything... still full from pancakes. 

i'm a little mixed up on how the timeline went from here, i know that we went to the driving range with caleb... which, all in all, was fun. i had never even held a golf club.. and chris was good. caleb made me laugh...i also know that we went to the lake house... chris and just drove out there.. i wanted to show him things. we went swimming... at first i hesitated. i wasn't comfortable around him... but i decided to go for it... he was leaving tuesdaycaleb texted me to say he was on his way, and then my phone died. i climbed out of the water and went into the house... chris started to tell me a story about a guy taking his shorts off, but i stopped him, went inside, and changed clothes. caleb got there shortly thereafter... where i got another much needed hug... he assured me that everything was going to be okay... which i needed. we went to the store, bought things to make chili.. and then i watched chris cook for a bit... good food, good times. we headed back to the house, changed clothes, and met grant for coffee.

i had missed grant, it was good to see him. we sat outside at veterans for awhile... just chatting about different things... it was comfortable. 

...

i should eat

i've written chris 27 letters since the beginning of march. he's seen... one. i don't know why i haven' sent them, i don't what i'm putting it off for. the letter writing could probably account for my lack of posting here... but it's "whatev" hey?

- - - - -

i fall more in like with this christopher character everyday. at first, i couldn't understand it... he's unlike any guy i've ever liked, stereotypical and unique in so many ways. the story is long, and i wish that i had written throughout this entire process, but i didn't. so that is that. currently, we're at a sort of stand still.. which, i have to admit, while particularlly frustrating, it's a good thing. 

this entire situation is new to me, every conversation sheds a new light on what it is that i'm embarking on. i'm learning. i feel like i'm walking on eggshells in this new sphere, well, not quite... running on eggshells. dancing, that's better, i feel like im dancing on eggshells... and they break, and we put them back together. it's good that way. i think. 

i want to take this part and ponder a bit about each aspect of the 'situation' that puzzles me... that's made me question things, that's allowed me to grow into the position i'm in... but i don't know if i could fully articulate those things. which makes me not want to start at all... but i need to... i need to process things.. i need to type things out.. i need to. but, i also need to sleep.. so here we go.

love

love is a big word, i word that i say often, carelessly, flippantly even. however, it carries a lot of weight in the context that we're in. thursday may eighteenth, i told chris that i loved him. i do love him, honest. i've never told a boy that i loved them. i wouldn't say that to someone unless i intended for it to be the last time i had to weigh the ramifications of it. of course i'd thought about it prior, i even told him not to tell me that he loved me, because i didn't want to be faced with the decision to say say it back. chris told me that he loved on may eighteenth, and i said it back, with every ounce of earnest i had. the airport was a weird experience, looking back i think i would've kept things differently, i would've stayed until he boarded, i would've stayed until they made me leave... but i didn't, i left, i went home... i cried on the way to the car. i'd never cried for a boy before, especially not a boy that i wasn't dating. but i did. not hard, just tears... tears that i couldn't stop. tears that came from somewhere that i had never felt before. i thought back to the stress of last summer... standing in a parking lot, not wanting to leave the country... crying. i dont often cry over things that don't involve God, directly... i cried multiple times while chris was here, i haven't sorted out what that means, except, i'm connected.

sometimes i wonder if i've bitten off more than i can chew.. and the answer is yes, naturally. i'm learning to leave things up to God, regardless of the outcome. which is incredibly hard. i like to know that i have some sort of control over my current situation... i like to have some sort of independence in all of it.. but i can't, i depending on God, and i'm depending on Chris... it's harder for me to depend on Chris, as arbitrary as that may sound. i trust him, i do... but i still have reservations... which is natural.

i love him, and i want to see things work out for the best, for the best, for the kingdom... regardless of the stereotypical ring that the statement has, the kingdom, is important to me. i want to see God do incredible things, and to the best of my ability, i want to be an instrument in that process. when i get to the end, i want Him to look at me and say that i did my best. i know i've screwed up, i know i've crossed lines, and i know i've blurred boundaries, but i've picked up the pieces... and i aim to do "my best" with this second, third, fourth, fifth chance. marrying Chris is a decision that is "bigger than i know"... yes, it's bigger than i know, but it's bigger than anything else that i know, which means it's the biggest. it's huge. i'm okay with that, i'm happy with that. i'm excited about the next few months... they will be incredibly difficult, i miss chris. terribly. although i miss him, i've had to come to terms with the fact that things might not work out, i might not ever see him again, he may never kiss me, i might not marry him... and in order to come to terms with something that big, i have to go through something bigger, biggest. God is the only reason i've been able to do this, without Him... i don't know where i'd be... my emotional stability would have shattered for sure. i can't control this, i'm not controlling this, i'm just along for ride... i am but a vessel. a carrier of the things that He has spoken to me, things that He has put in my heart.

- - - - -

i picked Chris up from atlanta airport on may 13th. i wore heels... i shouldn't have worn heels, and i shouldn't have worn so much makeup. i wanted to "dress to impress", but i was beyond stressed. i couldn't stay on the road on the way home, and i got lost, multiple times. i felt like a failure, i felt intimidated and small. i felt like everything i did fell through, and that my plans were but dreams... "fairy tales don't always come true" is the last thing brent told me before i left... but i forced it, i wasn't natural, i was manipulative and dry. i was disconnected from everything that i was feeling, and my mind couldn't handle it. my soul isn't used to be cut off. i tried to cut off all emotion.. i wasn't even smiling in the airport... i was cold, and wanted to be elsewhere.

when we finally arrived at 2821 beacon avenue, it was hott. we didn't get air conditioning until last week, and while i was okay.. Chris was drowning in humidity and husky. we changed clothes and laid on the floor... trying to decide what to do... i had a list of things to do, to show him, things i wanted to share... but it went out the window before we even had a decent conversation. the ride home felt out of place, i was freezing on the inside. after a few errands we ended up at pho vy for vietnamese food, i paid for dinner, and Chris was quiet... he was in "observation mode" for the first few days he was here... on top of the fact that he doesn't talk much on the average occasion, i felt alienated. thursday night i had 7 missed calls and text messages... facebook notification and missed skype appointments... everyone wanted to know hoe i was doing... and how he was... but no one could understand, i tried to explain myself to grant, late thursday night... but i couldn't i couldn't work through it in my head, i was disconnected. im leaving out important details concerning my parents, and the rest of columbus, but that's not what this post is about.  we watched gladiator thursday night, and i fell asleep... i hadn't slept in a few days.. and i felt like i was colliding with reality.. i was drained, on many different levels. 

i didn't know where boundaries were.. i hugged chris in the airport... an awkward side-hug... as he was holding on to his luggage, and i was out of place... i didn't know if i could touch him. i touch people, i'm a touchy person, if i'm having a conversation with you... then i want a connection.. i want to know that you're in it, i want to know that you're with me, that you're tracking... touch is like insurance. it's different, and i need it... but late thursday night, alone in my house watching a movie... i wasn't even sure if i could lean on him... he didn't give me a go ahead, but he didn't stop me... i asked if it was okay... on the inside i just wanted him to hug me... to tell me that everything was going to pan out... that i hadn't made a mistake in wanting him to come here... but i didn't ask for it. i just assumed too much that night. i assumed he knew me, i assumed he knew what i needed, what i wanted to hear... but honestly, he didn't. he had never met me until 8 hours prior.. and i just wanted to feel anything.. anything but sub-par. i felt intimidated because he felt cold. but i didn't know him. i just wanted me to play with my hair and tell me to go to bed... but he didn't. i had was guilty of everything that i feared from him, i had filled in holes... i had put illegitimate pieces into a puzzle that i hadn' solved... and they didn't fit. i went to bed that night with an intense fear of friday, i spent hours lying in lolly's bed, praying... asking for answers... trying to sort out my own emotional attachments and needs, from what was reality. it was hard.

friday morning i heard my alarm go off, and i was still wide awake. lolly and beth didn't come home the night prior, or... much at all while Chris was here... i went to get eggs and bread... and i felt like i was playing house... playing a game with someone that i didn't even know. 

 - - - - -

and now i have to go to bed

today is my day off :)

i get two days off this week,

wednesday and sunday...

good times

travis came in last night, my living room reeks of old clothes, pap's blue ribbon, and camels... turkish gold of course. somethings never change i suppose...

hey.. stone... how old are you now?

*smile*... still eighteen trav, still eighteen

babe, you're such a youngster, still... 

man... im getting so old...

travis, you're 22

i know, but i mean... (and you'll learn this as you go along i suppose)... but just so you know up front?  everything you're ever going to know, (that matters anyway) you already know. everything i've learned in the last 4 years of my life... through college, starting a music career, falling in love... i haven't any new material. everything i was once inspired by is still the same... you just have to learn how to adapt, how to manipulate and change the knowledge and passions that you already have... to fit whatever or whoever's situation that you're in. *takes a drag on his cigarette*  you just, you should know that.

mmm... thanks trav

yeah

- - - - -

no weed in the house - - lolly's rule

probably more for my sake than hers

i woke up this morning to empty beer cans, taco bell remain, and sleeping marg on the couch

i already heard talking of making my pup into an alcoholic

and dominic decided to name him Spitzy Cline

itll be an interesting week for sure

trav says that he came for inspiration

whatever that means...

he doesn't need empty artictic ideas

he needs jesus

kayl, you still straight edge as you used to be?

or.. would you like a beer?

no thanks travis...

im not thirsty

- - - - -

i'm trying not to worry about the judy situation... there's no reason for me to worry. and really, there's no reason for me to wonder... because regardless of how much mental angst i pour into this, God's goin to "open and close doors" as he sees fit... all i can do is follow his direction... all i can do is what i've been doing for years...  seeking God isn't a foreign concept to me.  

there is a lot that i could write

i don't even know where to start

but it's okay... some things are meant for handwritten journals

some things shouldn't be typed up and submitted to cyberspace

i dont care what generation i'm supposedly in...

oh, baby, baby, its a wild world
its hard to get by just upon a smile
oh, baby, baby, its a wild world
and ill always remember you like a child, girl

i find the map and draw a straight line
over rivers, farms, and state lines
the distance from 'a' to where youd be
its only finger-lengths that i see
  i touch the place where id find your face
my fingers in creases of distant dark places

although you were biased i love your advice
your comebacks they're quick and probably

have to do with your insecurities
theres no shame in being crazy,
depending on how you take these
words im paraphrasing, this relationship were staging

and what a beautiful mess, yes it is
its like picking up trash in dresses

and the storys all over you
in the morning ill call you
cant you find a clue when your eyes are all painted Sinatra blue
what might have been lost ...

i'm in my film class

i do not like my film class

i want to be in texas

i don't get to be in texas

we paid the water, paid the gas...

rent's due on the first...

beth has been home with danny for a lot of the day... playing homemaker. so, she did the dishes, and cleaned things... and did laundry... and started to finish unpacking her stuff...

all of these things were good

i wrote my oral report today

i have to give it in a few minutes...

im not excited

im a bit terrified actually

i don't know postmodernism

i don't like ambiguity...

right now they're talking about the matrix

about the different sequels... 

*shrug*

when i came inside i had ladybugs in my hair

that made me smile

i need to blog real things...

later i think

sweet zoe jane

swimming, running through underbrush, lying upside down listening to michael jackson, gladiator, red hair, chicken parmesan, running off the road, calling my parents, making coffee, singing creed songs, not skipping stones, the alpha male, the driving range, barefoot in the grocery store, $3 walmart shorts, pancakes with amanda, coffee with thedoor band and grant, shorts and tank tops, cooper creek park, "he sleeps well - because he is loved, is it okay if i touch you? forehead kisses, sleeping in sunday morning, freckles and sunburns, sprinting with the husky, aloe vera gel, life without air conditioning, no smoking signs, pho vy on the first day, eddie and terry in newnan, holding lily and listening to the guitar, crossbows practice, love bites... sleepless nights, you're taller than i thought, late night vigil, the worst week of my life, lunch with "the family", grant's awkward talk, grandmother on meds, cohen's midnight call, being constantly self-aware, wanting to quit school, want to get married, hipbone bruises, sweet zoe jane, milk chocolate truffles.. zippo lighters, 

back to work

to be continued

chris comes in 3 days

i have a husky for the weekend

school is over for a week

i need my school money to come in

im working 31 hours in 3 days

im a bit tired... i need to wash clothes

i finally got my curtains

kelsey works at starbucks

im having surgery in a month

im turning 19 in a month

i paid all my bills

its happy hour at starbucks

frappuccinos for half price.. 3-5

i hate making frappuccinos

my dad is super happy im getting a dog

im glad that we found a common thing to like

mother's day was sunday, i didn't get the photos done

i need to put locks on my bedroom doors

chris is staying at my house

im forcing myself to eat food

it's not as bad as it sounds, i promise

my room is complete

i have a dresser :)

for 30 dollars... yes, im incredible

k-luv says that i should do "design on a budget"

i laugh at him... we've seen each other a lot lately

amanda tol him that she never loved him

grant says, if chris is a loser, then to go out with caleb... that is silly talk. caleb is incredible, we're just not compatible. chris comes thursday, thursday i get snax. i will rename that dog. amanda leaves saturday. rob and kirby are out of town, grant wants me to play keys at the door... i just want things o be chill.

most of all, regardless of the outcome this weekend... i just want to relax, get my mind off of work and school, and i want chris to have a good time in my life...

that is all, 

im clocking in, again.

i took my psychology exam this morning
i did really well, despite not being in class for almost two weeks
god gets every stinking bit of credit for that one…
i didn't study, i didn't put any effort in

i felt horrible walking into class today
i felt like a traitor, like an ungrateful servant
i hadn't even opened my psych text book

sitting down.. i breathed a short prayer..
the professor announced that she had changed the test layout
just this morning, she changed the test layout
she said that wanted to try something different
and test our working knowledge…

instead of the normal 50 questions, there were 75. instead of just asking us questions based on the last two weeks of the course (which was the original plan), she added a third set. this set was from weeks ago. the information needed to answer the questions was taught weeks ago. among the tests dispersed there were four possible topics for the final 25 questions, each one being on specific aspects of a different mental disorder.

"good luck, and begin"

i quickly turned to the final questions. my topic? attention deficit disorder. had it not been for kelsey gordon living with me for the past 8 months of my life, i wouldn't have known a lick of that information.  i breezed through that test. i got at least a B, possibly an A…

i am so undeserving.

i've had an A in psychology since the beginning of the semester, i'm a great student. i have the capacity for a 4.0 average. but these last few weeks… have been a whirlwind.  in the future, i wont do this. i refuse to let this happen again… i woke up with a horrid stomach ache… skipped the gym, didn't make coffee… it was not a good morning, but by some stroke of genius, by some miraculous effort, i passed the test. i never have to look at a psychology book again.

*sigh of relief*

2 down, 2 to go

sidetone… as i was walking out of the classroom, the boy who normally sits behind me tapped me on the shoulder. i turned around, grinning, still elated from what had happened…

"hey… i sit behind you…"

"… hi"

"well, the semester's over…"

"… yeah, yeah it is"

"well, i just, i wanted to tell you that, you're pretty"

*hesitation*

"oh.. well, i mean... thank you so much, but i…"

"no, no, i don't want to go out with you"

*pause*

"i just wanted to tell you that"

"well.. thank you"


… i needed that today,
i needed everything today…
i don't know why i let myself worry
i know it will all pan out…

*sigh*

today was the last day of classes, for the semester. im not sure what all of my grades will be... i still have a few finals, but i'm glad it's over. the last section of my life has been intense.  

i dont know where to start... 

things are good, life is good. i paid the rent today, and the power... we go to pick up some furniture tomorrow, and i am in a very strong like with my house... i like to pay bills. i like to budget, i like to figure things out... i liked shopping around for internet today, i like playing with the system... i like to be in control, and independent. this is going to be a good year.

caleb and amanda broke up yesterday... it's been a few weeks in the making, but i've tried to convince myself that it wouldn't happen, i try to believe that movies are real, and things really do work out for couples like them... but, as i've seen 2nd hand over the last few months, being unguarded and naive to what God is telling you leads you to... brokenness. i sat with amanda last night on my porch, talking it all out. she feels relieved, and "free".  i told her that i wasn't aware that she wasn't... free, that is. she said that, to a certain extent... she wasn't either. i don't want to convince myself that a person is the right one for me. i don't want to get 6 months into a relationship, and realize that everything was wrong... i know that if i seek God, in everything, and just keep doing what i'm doing... then everything will work out, for the good. regardless of whether i think "the good" is right, i have to faith that His plan is legit... and i'm learning.

cohen called me today, crying.

my biggest worry is that he wont heal correctly. i fear that his heart wont be able to take anymore... and shut down.  im learning form my little brother's mistakes... i'm spending the day with him tomorrow... it will be good, for both of us. i feel honored, he called me first. he knows that i have nothing but love and grace for him... he knows that i'm not going to ask him a hundred questions... or tell him everything he's done has been trite, or meaningless. i earnestly seek to understand him, and his situation... i value that boy... like no other.  im just worried... i prayed today, i prayed all day. i prayed for brokenness... i want restoration and healing. for everyone in my life. im tired of seeing hearts break, i'm tired of holding people... and i don't say that in a "i'm over it" way. i say that because i know a life of wholeness, and completeness in christ... "i have the very best" 

these people, all of these people that i talk about... the ones i live with, work with, grew up with... they have been exposed to similar things that i have... they've sat in some of the same pews, heard the same sermons... but it's such a terribly differently outcome. i'm not dodging people that make mistakes... i understand mistakes... boy do i... but, i just... my heart can't handle it, i can't handle broken people, i just want to invite them into my house... i want to help. i try, boy do i try... but ultimately, God is the only one who has the capacity to heal... if i get to be a tool in the process, then sign me up. im more than willing... but they have to come to a realization of wholeness in god... a wholeness that is unattainable through any worldy means... 

i have no storyline, no plot, no climax

i just... i dont know...

"there is a voice, crying out

for the ones who walk alone

the widows, the orphans, 

the slaves, the broken,

will find their hope.

the captive, the fallen,

the children, forgotten,

will be made whole,

in You."

tonight is a lonely night

i feel alone... in a not so bad way though

i haven't felt this in a long while

its one of those i just want to eat icecream nights

except i dont have an appetite

i feel like i should be crying

i feel like i should be studying

and like i have people that need me

that i'm avoiding..

and some of those are true

i want to go camping by myself

no, i want to go eat thai food by myself

actually, i feel dehydrated...

that's what it is.

okay well...

i guess im done now

im going to get some water