Honestly, Its hard to stop...

Running that is.

Because I know I can win this way.

I know I fool them...

Because I'm doing it.

With the right words and tones...

I can fast for days at a time.

Without purging, I can win the battle... The battle for diet control. But in doing so I would only be contributing to the war... my war against myself. You see this has gone to far... A little bit of lying to yourself - sure, everyone does it. But not to this degree... I'm tired of being a shell of myself. I'm sick of standing on the sidelines of my own life. I hate knowing what I want but habitually denying myself the pleasure. This habitual sin has got to stop.

sin. what a word.

I'm sinning, against God, and against myself.

So to conclude - I'm starting a new blog...

And ending this struggle for perfection.

__

peace.

sorry no updates.

i'm maintaining.
he's gone.


i'm being stripped of control.

the one person who i depended on is gone.

oh... dramatic.

i dont want to keep gaining.
i dont want to exercise.
i dont want to eat.

???

telling my parents hasn't helped a thing.
its made my house a wreck to live in.
my parents are always arguing.
my mom blames my dad for everything.
i refuse to talk to them. they cant make me.
so he tries to punish me for not liking him.
then he feels bad, and gives my stuff back.
and then the whole cycle repeats.

this.
sucks.


i still feel the same way -- about myself.
my mind's not getting any better.
it's not "well with my soul"
i dont even know if i want to get better.
i dont think my mind can change.
so whats the point in trying.


physically, i feel... well..
i dont feel anything.
except huge.


im so sick
of not
controlling
anything.



the house needs to sell.
soon. now. yesterday.


my mind wont stop going.
i take allot of sleeping pills.


im looking into ywam for the summer.
they haven't posted 2008 trips though.


i haven't had caffeine since Frday.
therefore i have a headache.


i dont want pastor jason to leave.
i want to be selfish.


i refuse to cry.
i refuse to be vulnerable.
i want to be stubborn.


im sick of being a "good girl"
im sick of stereotypical people.
watson mckemie hates me.


kyle makes me smile.

im a little... imbalanced.
i would say im starting to confuse my worlds.
but i think its rather opposite.

ive drawn a much more definite line.
my mothers tears are the one thing that touch both.
its not my fault though. it is my fault.
and i cant bring myself to acknowledge i care.

she wants to know whats wrong.
and then, why i cant say whats wrong.
i dont know... i cant tell you when it started.
i cant tell you why it started.

she asked last night why i was so angry at my father.
"I never said that." -- "It's what you didn't say."
they can see it all over my face.

which is good, as long as they see a hard selfish child,
they'll eventually give up and blame me.

and as far as im concerned, my father's stupid
psyche-wanna-be lectures can go on forever,
i dont have to talk to them.

they think they know me so well...
evidently i made all this up for attention.

and even though im disgusted that they think that.
-- id rather that be the case... rather than truth.
im hiding from the truth. running from it.

my father last night...
kaylin, have you really ever purged? really?
whatever. i can handle this.
in an effort to downplay the situation
ive created another facade.

ive doubled my mask.
and as long as i keep that definitive line,
i can do this.

im gaining.
and im scared.
i refuse to step on the scale.
im afraid to step on the scale.

higher numbers mean failure.
im afraid of failure. so i turn my back and run..
only to end up with a lousy mile and shin splints.

and then just to get home and eat...
after all that i freaking eat.
i don't deserve to eat.

pastor jason is moving to Iowa.
and im upset about it.
did you hear me???
IM UPSET about it.

i just cant handle this.
i keep everything inside...
im afraid. i dont want to be vulnerable.

pj pointed this out to me today.
he says its a terrible thing.
and that in order to have real relationships
i've got to make myself become vulnerable, and honest.



i feel horrible because he feels like im going to keep lying to him.
and truthfully i haven't lied to him but maybe once or twice.
im sorry for being deceitful, im sorry for putting up walls.

i need to figure out how to tear them down.
i need to decide who im going to let in... soon.
im sixteen and never had a real friendship...
never really had an honest relationship...
without the 'performing'



-- that is, except for pastor jason...
i really thought i was being me with him.
from my view i did anyway, but im finding otherwise.
because of all the time and effort i've put into creating this fasade
ive neglecting finding who i am.

so really all i was putting into even that relationship wasn't me...
it was what i thought people wanted me to be.


-----


and in neglecting truth -- ive neglected God.
ive got some searching to do...

peace.

as of now im talking to myself.
no more posting for others.

my blog is private,
not published,
author only,
as far as my parentals know...
its been deleted.

i could never delete it though.
its a part of me.

-----

michelle told them everything.
and i lied about some things...
but most of the truth came out.

except for the cutting... im not going to the bradley center.
no joke. im better. i can click this on and off.
but i need to learn to control my tongue.

one slip up and i could lose this game.

-----

i feel healthy. i feel full. i feel sick.
so lately - healthy = sick.

-----

i cant talk to anyone.
im going to tell them tomorrow.
that i cant confide anymore.

michelle - i could really care less.
she broke my trust, therefore i learned my lesson.
ahh, yeah i sound like an mature, juvenile freak.

pcollins said he has someone he wants me to talk too.
im not bulimic. that was blown out of proportion.
if anything, i would ednos w/ anorectic tendecies.
geez.

-----

i hate that they act like i know nothing.
but i cant say i do know stuff, because that would imply me researching this junk.


"kaylin, you know this isn't good for your body...?

this whole thing has become incredibly selfish.
and ive known this for awhile.

im not trying to be selfish. but it looks that way.
im not trying to be the little girl who needs attention
-- because she cant help herself.

thats why i changed my url.
and i dont know if ill give it back to her...
i cant do that to her. i need a place to vent.
and she needs to know that i dont need a vent.
she wants me to be okay. so i'll be okay.

i know she already knows allot.
but i think eventually she'll forget and move on.
if i wait it out, it'll be okay with us.

as far as pj... i dont know if hes getting the url either.
hes starting the on the same tangent as michelle.
"youre not being careful.. and youre doing it with someone i really like"

if i maintain, and smile, and act it out right. then i can do it.
i just have to be careful. -- yesterday we were talking about lies.
i lie allot, i lie about everything.. and i lie to cover up my lies.
and i lie to deceive people into thinking im not a good liar.

"me and pj aren't as stupid as you think, you cant fool us"
well, you know what? thats not true.
because if i didn't tell them what was going on --
if i didn't choose to let them in. -- then we wouldn't be here.

-----

i didnt set out to hurt other people.
and i still dont understand why they care.
i mean as long as i maintain my weight -- i thought they wouldnt mind.
evidently i am incorrect.

why do they care...? i mean really.
my body is just that -- my body.

-----

austins bridge is amazing,
its not like i love their music.
and im not some justin rivers fanatic.
i love their heart.

pray for them. they're going through some crap.
especially jason... and mike.

-----

pj's on vacation.
im glad he got to go.
but ill be gladder when he gets back.

-----

im not going to the doctor.

i guess shes right.
its been almost a year.
and i have gotten worse.

i remember saying i would never purge again.
i remember when i didn't care what i looked like.
i remember questioning how someone could injure themself on purpose.
i remember hating makeup, wondering why girls covered up minor imperfections.

my current outlook isnt very good.
but i can act like im getting better.
the fact that i feel like i cant trust her isnt helping.
i can put on a good enough show she'll even believe.

she was one of the two i trusted.
and now i feel she'll tell the world.
im dying on the inside.
but i cant tell anyone that.
the internet is my refuge.


and pj...? hes got allot going on. and im just worrying him.
i cant worry people anymore. im hurting them. breaking their hearts.
when reallyy... im okay.


no need to alert the media. kaylin's fasting.

to start off you gotta know -- i'm not stupid. not even remotely.

in saying this... i know, i'll never be good enough for myself. never enough. -- and i don't say that in any kind of oh-the-sky-is-falling way or feel-bad-for-me-i'm-pathetic way.

i just know this.
now, take that in.


whats the point of doing anything if no matter what it is you always feel short of the minimum requirement? whats the point of living if you don't get any satisfaction out of your life? even if you do "great things" or have a supposed talent, or anything -- if you cant be happy when you're done... where did you get yourself?

nowhere.

you never feel complete. you never feel whole. somethings missing and you know it. you cant ignore this hole. its like everyone else is looking at a different picture than you are.


so i guess the question is... how did this happen?
have i ever felt proud or accomplished?
ever felt that top-of-the-world feeling people describe?
like you know what you're doing is worth it..?

i don't know.
i've always felt short.
always.


because i know i can do better, i know i'm not doing enough.

but what is enough?
is it what you make it?


i'm not trying to be pathetic.
but i think i'm coming off that way.
i'm being honest..

wait.. why am i saying that?
this is my blogg.
i'll say what i want.

you don't have to read.



this hole is hard to fill... you do more and more things, tack on a few more good deeds -- come on, if you do just one more thing, one more class, one more faf category, one more choir, just sing on the worship team - then you'll feel worth it, like you're in the right. come on kaylin, learn to play the drums.. then you can be utilized, and you'll feel complete.

pretty soon you get tired of the cycle. if those things aren't helping maybe you've got a problem, maybe you need to take a step back and examine yourself.

*steps back*

oh. my. gosh.
look you were right... if you just lose 30 pounds, then you'll feel better. come on now, everybody else is happy and okay w/ themselves -- if you're smaller than them then maybe you'll feel better about this whole situation. nevermind the fact that you're throwing up blood and you haven't had a period in a year... nevermind the fact that at this point you don't know if you'll be able to have kids. your physical body will get better eventually, you just have to be smaller.

but you cant ignore this problem. this one has physical symptoms.
so now not only are you not good enough -- but the way in which you're trying to get there is not good enough. "kaylin, there are other ways to control your weight" who cares about the freaking weight? the process is the gratifying part... oh wait... no, its not.


i just dont want to feel this way anymore.
im sick of it. but im addicted to the cycle.
i feel_ numb.

its great though kaylin.
what?
youre always eating, and you dont gain weight. :)
uhm, thanks?
no, its a good thing.
yeah?
yeah! because you can just eat and eat...
and you still look cute.
thanks kyle. *sarcasm*
no... kaylin, i mean, most girls... ugh, nevermind.
haha, its okay i get what you mean.

hahaha, if the poor boy only knew.
i guess ive been over-compensating
you cant make up for eating by talking about food.

*sigh*

thoughts.

like killing ourselves with the worst of weapons;

ourselves.

i swear i must have slipped right
through the cracks in the floor.

i took a walk... with cohen.


candid i promise.


make a wish.


blurryy... sad face.


same random fence.


high exposure. fast shutter.

bike balancing.


read all about it.


the suun. :)


amazing contrast loves.

to retain.

sodium.
too much?
no way.
flintstones.
vitamin fat?
nuh uh.
laxative.
again?
idk...
smaller.
fast?
maybe.
numbers.
control?
possibly.

peace.

i left something important at church.
got home, then i went back to get it...
then got all the way back outside and
realized i left my makeup bag too.

locked out.
grr.

as in, not asleep. 326am.

running, slipping, falling, she's drifting.
and relatively unaware... so consumed.
they just stand there. silently watching.
but poking and prodding in the back of their heads.
will she would she, come back? come back.
reality ignored. what a simple statement.
but now friends, it's only more true from here.
is it it all too late to end

when i was two i overdosed on flintstone vitamins.
my parental units freaked - they have iron in them.
therefore i was given ipecac so i would regurgitate them.
thank God i never abused that drug.

i got flintstone vitamins today. yum.

i slept last night.
i have a background image.
no, i do not have an eating disorder.

i just found the photo.. and liked it.

im not afraid of hurting myself.
but sometimes at night and im lying in bed
my hand over my heart, feeling its uneven rhythm.
i am afraid of surviving a heart attack. . .
and my parents being angry.

because i brought it on myself.

i like knowing that people care about me.
but i hate knowing that im worrying people.
so it makes me want to stop telling them anything.
that way i wont worry anybody.

am i making sense?

even when im happy, im not all that happy.
im too cynical for my own good.

im not insane, im just myself.

(read the post below - first.)

*michelle -
this is an obvious... we talk and laugh and stay up too late...
and yeah, she's just awesome. duh.

peppermint tea -
uhm, yeah, it makes me feel refreshingly clean. :)

solitude -
ive fallen in like with it..
to a point where some see it as unhealthy.
i love my friends, and church.
but sometimes, allot of the time..
i just gotta get out.

*jaymo -
he's awesome as well...
and even though i usually dont...
i know i can talk to him.

starbucks -
coffee is my love.
duh.


okay... i think i'm finished. :)
i enjoy the little things in life...
so if i were to name them all
- it would be quite time consuming.

*these two i have trouble writing about..
my like for them is such that i cannot put it into words.

all my posts are depressing. sooo this is a positive post.

sarah -
sarah makes me happy - she's had such a major change of heart lately, her life has been turned around and now she loves jesus. i'm so excited for what he's going to do with life and testimony.

annafo -
she just makes me smile.. sometimes i dread talking to her... 'cause it's like why even talk to her when you know you're not going to see her? idk.. but even talking to her on the phone makes me smile, she's so random and fo-ish. *smile*

autumn -
cool autumn mornings and walking outside, feeling the warm sunshine on my face, the cool breeze sending chills through my body. the sky so blue i feel like i could just fly away to it in a second. i can sit down in the grass and drink my coffee, think about everything thats going on, and not be afraid of my future. i cherish moments like that in my daily life when im at peace with myself and
everything going on around me.

kyle -
now, its not what you think.. i can't like him. he's twenty loves! twenty. and it would never work. but yeah, hes on the list because he makes me smile. :) the stupid late-night conversations about nothing at all. starbucks in the middle of the day - just because.
etc.

i've got more.. but i gotta go, i'll write more later, *smile*

i figured, why not? you know what the hay?
what have i got to lose?

well apparently allot.
so - i told ttrey:


i think i'm going to take you up on your offer...
oh really? great. :)
yeah... i just have to talk to my parents...
okay, well, i guess i'll talk to you soon then.
okay...


so i get home, and i tell my parents the horrible thing i'd done..

i'd mentioned it to my Mom..
but the only thing i've said to my father
all week is "fine" "yes sir" and "no sir"

my dad said no.


great kaylin, why did you go and do that?
- now i'm gonna look like the bad guy

*awkward pause*

why did you say that??
idk... it was something i wanted to do.
i told him i'd have to talk to you.
that doesn't matter,
do you understand how you made me look?
like the bad guy!!
but, you are the bad guy.

*pause*

soo, how was church?
fine.
3rd service?
fine.
attendance good?
it was fine.

*goes to room*


whatever.. i guess it wasn't meant to be.
it's not my fault he and trey have issues.
i mean, idk...

trey's not my first choice either.
but i've got to do something.
i think im going to get some self-teach books.

tesh said today...

new researchers have discovered that
sleep deprivation leads to heightened emotional levels.

by not getting enough sleep -
your brain does not function less...
as was previously assumed.

instead, the levels in your emotional center -
concentrated around the area which leads to depression
- are significantly raised - up to 60%

uh huh.. figures.

great.

makes me happy.
it does.

and i blogg, - usually, when i'm upset.
or bored...

but yeah, weird huh?
im on worship team tomorrow.
but i got anna to sub for me.
i'm sure i'm sick or something.
not.

but yeah - i cant do it.

#1 - im too 'healthy'
#2 - i cant sing
#3 - you cant hear me anyway
#4 - annas better... :)
#5 - im too scared

5 reasons... thats allot. *nods*

i sick of being sad all the time.
i use the word 'sad' because 'melancholy' has lost it's meaning.
i've used 'melancholy' in too many jokes.

'sad'

yess. i'm sad. and i don't know why.

is pj's birthday.

Happy Birthday Pastor Jason!

he's getting old...
but hes pretty rad.
i like him. a little bit...

*smile*

sooo...

pretend your piano teacher can't teach you anymore...
okay. now pretend that you still want to play...
and ultimately need another teacher.
then - pretend another pianist... who happens to be quite good.
offers to give you lessons - "no strings attached" "no recitals" etc.

but here's the catch - you don't really like this person.
well.... it's not as much as it is you dont like them
- as it is, they just kinda creep you out... ya know?


so, free lessons...
to take or not to take.

hmm, he said think about it.

one of the things that really gets me..
is my parents.

i mean, i've been purging half of
what i eat for the past week or so.
and they haven't even taken note.

i sliced up my arm.
and they didn't notice.
&& etc.

now, don't take this the wrong way.
i don't want the attention...
that's not what i'm after.

but this just occurred to me ya know?
am i that good at this game?
or would they care if they knew?


its weird.
&& i lie too much.

theres a bond you make
when you tell a secret.

when you let someone in.
a bond that works two ways.
a common ground.

a fragile bond.
the harder it is to make...
the easier it is to break.


me and pt talked for a few hours last night....
outside his house ... in the dark. it was good though.
he tells me so much. and he's always like

okay, i'll level with ya... i can talk to you.

it started w/ just youth stuff..
then frustrating youth pastor stuff.
then the whole how-do-you-reach-this-kid deal.
spiritual highs... and lows... etc.etc.etc...
and then..

i need to lose some weight kaylin.

yeah.. me too.

*chuckle* no, you don't.

uhm.. seriously yeah - i do.

now... don't do that, dont start it...
you don't want to get into it. *trust me look*

you don't know a whole lot about me pastor tripp...


i told him a little bit about my eating habits...
just enough to say "ive got freaking issues."
and then he spilled.. really, i mean,
he started talking about his depression...
and he just kept talking about all sorts of crap
he'd gone through. by the end both our eyes were wet,
and it was almost 1am.

kaylin, ive just let you inside.

and an understanding nod was exchanged...

lately i've found a balance.

- maintaining control
- whilst maintaining weight.

method: purging.


i know it's terrible.
and it's starting to affect me.
my body's screwed up.
my throat hurts all the time.
and i'm not sleeping again.




i went with my friends to red lobster tonight...
i had to come home right after... 'cause i was dying.
and i kept gagging and throwing up a little in my mouth.
even though i had given myself permission to eat...

what kind of control is that?

g a m e o v e r.

so i totally checked my facebook/myspace/xanga...
AND my blogg during the 3rd service.


jason davis sitting right there - haha.
i'm so secretive i don't have to be secretive.


i do wonder if he caught the url though... hmm


i feel_ likenotdoingnursery.

when i go into restaurants..
or gas stations, walmart...
a few times at church...
and lots of other random places
i leave my blog address.
i like to read secrets.
everybody does...

why do you think postsecret's such a hit?
- people like to know the dirt on others..
so their own dirt looks cleaner.

i hope my thoughts make sense to people...
my url changes so often i'm not really
worried about someone 'finding' me....

but one day.. i secretly hope my blog address gets to someone i know.
so then, they in turn - can tell the whole world what i fake i am.
so the whole world can feel better about their own masks.
---

256am - *gets text*

257am - finds out; chelsea and david broke up.

258am - tries to console via text.

259am - kinda succeeds.

300am - agrees to spend the night tomorrow

301am - posts blogg.

302am - tries to sleep.


*sigh*

ps - if you're reading this.
don't tell anyone.
or say anything to her.
thanks. :)

it rained.
i'm going to take a walk.

maybe...

i feel_ down.


edit://

i took my walk - w/ Codi.
do you know how tough it was?
that dogg is a monster.
and he growled at the cute boy.
i had to hang on for dear life.

so i guess he served his purpose.


i feel_ overpowered.

it does.

so i'm in my room.
drowning out the world.
i did some history today.

chelsea got put on imitrex.
lizzie's already on it.
i dont want to go on meds.
i wish i could feel their pain..
so i knew how to judge mine.
i dont want to be a wuss.

i worry about lizzie... often.
*sigh*



i told pt i wanted to understand people..
he smiled - "you're what... 16?"


yeah... i see his point.

kaylin... the twinkle has disappeared from your eyes...
-pt


...i didn't know there was one.
i'm sad.

kaylin, now that you've fallen for tea
- you should move on to black, bold coffee.

but... that's what i drank before i started this tea-kick.

oh, well that's cool too - i guess... really? black?

uhm, yeah - no better way.

man, that stuff brings out the writer in you.

i'm not a writer, i don't write.

everyone. is a writer.



but yeah, no, i don't think everyone's an actual writer... in fact,
i could probably give you several people who i know, can not write.
but it was still a good line. grant's pretty rad... we really relate allot.
he can tell me my thoughts - on occasion. :)

i love the piano. i miss it.
i just, i just want to be great. for myself.
but i dont think i'll ever be good enough for me.
so unless... i'm just trying to appease people..
what's the point?

i know what the point is...
i know most of the answers to my questions.
maybe i just don't like the answers...

i feel_ detached.

i cant do this thing anymore...
whatever it is.
i wish i knew what i was doing wrong...
so i could fix it.
but honestly i dont.
and im sorry.

im sorry for whatever i did.
im sorry im such a failure.
im sorry im having a pity party.
im sorry.

and i dont know what to do...

whenever i apologize.. i just get the same freaking answer.
"yeah whatever - go to your room"
and if i'm just serving as a scapegoat.
then i guess ill just have to deal.

and pj...
im sorry for the sfx.
they've been such a bust.
and i know its my fault.
i'm the freakin example.

and michelle...
i'm sorry for being insensitive.
i didn't even think about it..
and i know we kinda joked around...
but im sorry.



and i'm sorry for cutting myself and lying.
even though i know you can see right through me.





oh, and yeah - im sorry for breaking the podium.

i'll write more later...
i feel_ empty.

amazing news...!!

this. is. my...

100th post!!!


*smile*

i think a url change is in order...
annndd.. a headline...
possibly - a layout.

*excited face*

sooo any ideas?

i feel_ accomplished and excited.

i was thinking about this convo today...
and i realized i never posted about it.
...so now i am. :)


i can't ride w/ kyle.
which i suppose is understandable.

you know, whatever... i've just gotten used to ignoring the fact that it's my parents opinion and just taking it as law... because they don't listen to my opinion. so what's the point in trying to debate anything?

anyway. that's fine... but what's not fine is they treat me like i'm some horrible screwed up kid. like i've broken every rule they've ever given... etc. they don't trust me. i mean they do... some.

my dad was like,

uhm no you can't ride with a teenage guy.
i don't want you to end up pregnant.

and he was totally serious.
and then when i got ticked and went to my room he calls me back in there - realizing his freakin mistake and tried to dig himself out

come on kaylin... i... i... i didn't mean it...

yeah, whatever.
that's worse than when pj asked me if i was doing drugs.

and yeah - i know i'm "not above it" annd i don't think that i'm better than anybody or anything like that... i just want a little credit for any of the choices i've made in the last 16 years.


*sigh*

i'm so shallow.




i feel_ misunderstood.

current...

i'd lie - taylor swift
in my arms - plumb
the real me - natalie grant
only a man - jonny lang
does anybody hear her - casting crowns
when did you fall - chris rice
the last night - skillet
beautiful disaster - jon mclaughlin

im in an odd mood.
feelinghorriblebutfloatingandwishingiwasair.


*sigh* i need something...
and idk what it is.


=|



i feel_ sad.

this whole house thing sucks.
completely. sucks.


i feel_ worn out.

i feel bad for all the friends i'm leaving behind
- verity, bekka, and alexandra mostly...
we started out at the same weight - same height - same age.

verity: 5'6'' 84.7lbs pic. pic.
alex: 5'6'' 110lbs pic.
bekka: 5'6'' ??lbs pic. pic.

and then theres me, who's floated in and out of xanga seamlessly.
always being able to locate my friends,
and them always there to welcome me back.


i feel bad for them.. mainly Verity, she worries me, she's got a potassium deficiency, and they want hospitalize her... and then bekka, who's liver is failing, and she's trying to cope with iop.

alex, she's more like me, athletic, and knows when to stop, knows when enough is enough, she got to 105, and now she's pretty stable at 110... she lives in AL... but she doesn't know i know. lol

but me and bekka are closest, she always hated it when i came back... hated it for me, but knew its was my decision, she supported me, stayed up late and talked to me. etc... i love that chick. :)

now, -- it's true, that these people i'm talking about, might not even exist... but on the other hand, i've read enough, and over the years gotten to know them. so to me, they do exist. and they're hurting, in pain... reaching out for something they can't find.



i feel_ hmmm...?

i feel like crying all the time.
and i hate it.
and i don't even know why.
and don't say its a teenage thing.



i got roped into the christmas thing....
i knew i would eventually.
ha.


i feel_ melancholy.

i felt that i needed to blog...





i feel_ fully empty.

whenever i get a package of plain m&ms, i make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
to this end, i hold m&m duels.

taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, i apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. that is the "loser," and i eat the inferior one immediately.
the winner gets to go another round.

i have found that, in general, the brown and red m&ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. i have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

occasionally i will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. in this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

when i reach the end of the pack, i am left with one m&m, the strongest of the herd. since it would make no sense to eat this one as well,
i pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.,
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A.

along with a 3x5 card reading,
"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

this week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain m&ms. i consider this "grant money." i have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. from a field of hundreds,
we will discover the true champion.


there can only be one.

.....haha, i crack myself up sometimes. :)
if only my thoughts were really this interesting.....
i need a life.





i feel_ amusing.

it's october.

woo hoo.



but i do love fall.... :)
ahhh.


i feel_ facetious.

i wore jeans to church.
&& sat in the balcony.




God forbid.

--woke up early rolliiinn outa bed grabbed my hoodie and keys.
i could hear yellin before i could find my toothbrush.
geez. grow up people.


--michelle sounded stinkin amazing on her solo... lindsey's was ok too.
ok. so i'm staying in choir. but i think i'm dropping team.
i'm not good at it... so i don't enjoy it. && no one else does either.




i need a car.
i need a job.
fast.


i feel_ fiiiine.
*smile*

so even though this blog is like...
'secret'

i still don't write everything i would like...
i still limit. i still have places where
i wouldn't dare to have you guys venture.


things i couldn't share... even though if i wanted...
that's sad. maybe that's why the worlds mad...
because everyone keeps to themselves.

... i wonder if there's anybody out there who doesn't care.
someone who truly is there self all the time.


really? ....i mean, of course there is.
there's got to be at least one.



i remember when i was a kid...
and things were easier.. carefree.
my hopes consisted of being a vet and getting zebra gum at lewis jones.

i'm still a kid... i hope. i know.
now i'm just a mixed up kid.


i can't imagine being completely carefree...
as in not self_conscious...






ugh. i feel_ reflective.

but there's an i in pie
so there's an i in meat-pie
and meat is team backwards.

so there.

....


so i'm on worship team sunday.

khaki and white.
why pj? why...?


ugh.




anyway... we won't have internet at the house until the 25th
so i haven't blogged much.
but i will i promise...
soon.


meanwhile - i know i've gotta eat...
and i am, i'm sick of getting sucked in
-- just to get spit out.

because deep down i know that it's wrong.
and i don't need to weigh 98lbs again.
but i like it.

i'm twisted.





..... ugh.



i feel_ spent.

we wonder why black and white photos capture our soul...
i think it's because without color, we aren't drawn to the makeup,
and color of our eyes, or our hair, or how tan our skin is.

black and white captures the innocence on ones face
and the hurt they've gone through to feel vulnerability.
the glow we see comes from the inside.

brightening our eyes, our skin, and our smile.
it grabs the truth that liberates us.



------

i have to say i love it.



i feel_ understood.

..almost.

after two weeks of asking my Dad...

"don't you think if we went ahead and moved out
we'd get this work done and sell the house faster"

...and getting lectured, because "I just don't understand"
- we're moving. hha. he annoys me allot.
all Matt had to say was -

"hey, you think ya'll could go ahead and get
some of this stuff outa the way? you know...
so it's easier to get around and work?"


and presto. moving truck.
=P

well, not really...
he's supposed to get it today though.



i feel_ ignored.

ok. so i figure there's basically no way to quit church.

lol... i never was going to actually quit church....
just everything that's like, extra.
but now, i'm pretty sure i'll just stay in everything.
why not, eh?

*goes to read and sleep*

not.
weelll.... maybe for a little bit.

i feel_ odd.

you know that dream where you wake up & your heart's
beating so fast you can barely tell if it's in your chest....?

i quite often have these.

tonight i died. in my sleep.
woke up too scared to scream.



i feel_ shocked.

moving...






i feel_ ugh.

i believe, you're my healer...
nothing is impossible for you...
you hold my world in your hands.

church was good. all 3 services actually...
the 12:30 started today.
- i liked it.

i think it was more intimate...
but it could just be because of less people.
idk... but i liked it.

trying to decide if i should stay in choir...
or worship team...
or if i should even start youth choir...

i'm sick of youth service.
i feel like a kid in there.
and that's a pretty immature thing for me to say....
but it's true.



i feel_ like a letdown.

my blog is mumbo jumbo.
all mixed up and crazy-like-yeah.
it's needs tidying.

like my thoughts...
but i'm not sure how to do it.
i need a quick restart...
a system restore.

something...
anything.


i feel_ confused.

the thing you always count on crumbles.
&& it kinda sucks.

everything else is already shifting.
can't trust things these days.
ha.

it's just unsettling i suppose.
shuffles my mind deck so to speak.
i don't mind... // i don't think i mind anyway.
i'm just confused about everything.

so i guess i can finally say i'm a teenager.
my thoughts are in shambles.



i feel_ discombobulated.

driving home. just me and mr lang.
windows down. cruise control on.
stars outside, the wind like a blanket.
the smell of smoke... far away.
thinking about that one boy...

a chance to breathe while sitting at a red light
you look around reflecting on your life


i feel_ infinite.

....wrapped up in an opinionated, self-righteous, broken world.

it throws you. it really does.


peace.

tired.tired.tired.lighter.tired.

i found a bar w/ 20g of protein and only 170cal.
*ecstatic face*

it taste like dirt. but i don't care.
lost my appetite... don't ya hate it when that happens?

ha.

"you look really pretty today kaylin"
*yeah right, liar*
"ohh? thank you."


license tomorrow. fo sho.

peace.

-- basically anyway.

just reread my last post - i was down man.


i wanna see ocean's 13. still.
i think it's at the dollar... hmmm.

abbey's party is tonight - def. not swimming.
is regifting a terrible thing?
i don't think so.
i've got a gift card from a place i don't shop -
and she shops there. =D

my shoes have holes in them...
i loove it.


i'm addicted to blue monster.
weelll, addicted is a strong word.
in looovee, maybe.
nah. but definitely in like.

=D

peace.

i blame myself.
there's really no other reason.
i need to blame myself.
i need to have an emotional outlet.

i'm kinda mellow...
lyin here in my soffes and sports bra. wishin i was so small,
thinner than air. wishin i could disappear, not have to face life.

--that's so immature - so stupid.
layin here lookin through my old thinspiration.
wondering where i went wrong - how could i have been so weak?
i ask. i hear my thoughts fighting back and forth, i know it's not right.
but how do you stop a desire? no joke, i want it more than life.

more than liiiiife.... more than breath you are,
more than iiiii could ever hope or imagine....

i'm totally bi-polar. but inwardly.

my mind can't take it anymore.
it cant handle the overload of constant quarrel.
the neverending battle for a way out.
or better yet - an easier way there.

--- my part's not hard at all - the physical anyway.
but the relational stress kills.
lies. lies. lies. lies.

that's what it's built on.
lies like to crumble -
not that i get caught....
but i catch up with myself -
rather He catches up.
sets me straight....


but then, not to long later here i am. unhappy.
joy? ha.

this is such a shallow post.
i feel so freaking shallow.
so stupid.
so idiotic.
can't get anything right.

- and even now, here i am having a freakin pity party.

ugh.

i disgust myself in every way possible.

and no one can take it.


i didn't want to block him.. but i had too...
i've given into myself you see, and that's all i can handle.
i'll figure life out eventually...
and when that time comes maybe we'll have a chat...

maybe. as for now - God bless, love ya

WHO FREAKIN CARES????

what if i did like him?
huh?

why should it even matter.
it's nobody's business but mine to begin w/.

uuurrgggh.

every day is another chance. sto.

i was supposed to get my license today....

but i left my permit at church last night.

so i have till tomorrow. =(






oooookay. so everyone keeps telling i need to get the Nicaragua trip written out so i'll be able to go back and look at what happened... but it's weird. i don't want to write it out. i like it better in my head. but i'm gonna do my best.

i figure the best way to tell this story is like a story... not like, "i got up, brushed my teeth with bottled water, ate rice and beans for breakfast" but i'm going to try to start out with what i'm feeling, and then share a few stories.... you don't need the daily runthrough.


so here it goes.


i didn't really really want to go on this trip when i signed up, i felt like it was going to be more of a vacation than a missions trip - and i've really been wanting to do some different ministry, i think i've gotten to numb to everyday "church stuff" that i'm losing my passion for it.

Pastor Paul hit on some Oswald Chambers quotes yesterday... boy did they hit home. *goes to find church notes* *uncrinkles notebook paper*

"It's the dull and dreary things, with the common-place people and things; that will rob us of our passion if we have not learned the secret of living out God's will"

and

"Worrying is nothing short of staring in God's face and saying 'You're not able'".
-paraphrased.



I was worried about myself, worried that I would neer find my niche, never figure out where I'm supposed to be. I know I'm supposed to be in the ministry, full-time? idk. But I can't seem to find my place. There's so many ways to minister.... and I just felt/feel kinda lost.

So, in being down about all that, I was kinda lazy, and didn't feel like going on a 2-way trip to Drama-Central in Nicaragua. (I did anyway... but that's another story.) Plus, once I found out that Peaches and Christina (adult leaders) were going... I was realllllyyyy regretting signing up.

Airplanes. I don't really enjoy them, they hurt my ears, and they're long and uncomfortable. We flew out at 6 on Monday, so we stayed at the church and left there at about 2 to get to the airport on time. Needless to say, by the time we got to Nicaragua, and had been awake for over 36 hours, we were beat.


tbc

the closer the trip gets the more excited i am. =D

i can't wait to see what God's going to do despite me. i can feel that some thing's going to happen... i just don't know what. i've lost weight - but it was definitely muscle, because my jeans have gotten tighter... dontcha hate that??

i want to start weight training again... but my house is in shambles. i mean really, every thing's
outa place and it's a wreck. so as soon as we get like, back in order maybe i can start workin on that 6-pack.

lol

i'm tired.... and i think i'm off to bed... to bed i said.

=D

peace.

i leave for Nicaragua th 9th.

so excited.


....and so sick of people complaining- and we haven't even left.

i mean really kiddos, it's a mission trip - you might actually have to sleep on the floor.

i don't mind. =D


peace.

mk chris.

specifics.
hmmmmm..... lemme think.

*deep breath*

my friend lizzie is one of the most beautiful, nice, christian, talented, caring, wonderful people i know. - and she's never had a boyfriend.

when we were younger it never seemed to matter to her. she always thought 'well if i wait...' or 'maybe when i'm older' but the right guy//time was never really there. she knows that God wants her to be fully satisfied with him, and she's prayed about it... but when she looks around and everyone else has a guy to text, and hold hands and just, be a couple with, and have deep conversations, and goof off and say 'i love you' a billion times everyday. - it's hard.

i feel so awful for her and i want that for her because i feel like she deserves it... ya know?

but i can't do anything about it.

and now she says ""what if... what if God doesn't have someone out there for me? what if he wants me to be satisfied with him forever? what then? idk if i can do it, and that's sad because i say i want to be satisfied, but i don't. Kaylin, i guess the hard part's not waiting.... it's replacing physical with spiritual.""

excuse me if i don't have allot of experience in this area.


anyway, this has all been building for some time now... i knew it was coming, and then we all went to lindsey's house and went "swimming" and then watched "the notebook" - bad choice.

chelsea had never seen it before and she broke down at the end - she was crying sooo hard... she called david (her bf) and just sobbed over the phone (at 2am) "i wanna grow old with you.... i love you sooo much" etc etc.

lizzie was already upset - but that was really it right there.

and i don't know what to say to her. i'm lost. i look at her and she looks at me wanting some scrap of advice, words of wisdom, a fortune cookie, anything really.... and idk.

ugh.

peace.


ps - if uhh, you know me know me, don't go around telling people what you read ok kiddos?

mk, so i probably won't graduate a year early. i've lots of other stuff i could do... plus since i don't go to school i could some classes during my jr and sr years. piano - idk yet, i've got a lesson tomorrow (maybe) and i think i'm gonna talk to pj.

buutttt, hannah (a fellow student and friend) has decided not to go off to college and will remain here. which could possibly mean she plays instead. which is cool i guess... she's better than me, and older.

today was a long day, and the things against me seemed to pile up one after the other.
i tried really hard not to let it show... but by the time i got to soundcheck to run projection i was just worn down. everybody asked me what was the matter. 'nothing, i'm fine' - my answer of choice. jason davis (the new media guy) really tried to break through, come'on kaylin, what's upppp???? i mean, he's been here what? a month? no way i'm spillin my guts to that kid.

but idk, i guess i'm just a teenage girl.

ha.

i've really felt a friend-overload as of late. i just want to be by myself for awhile. i would say 'i just wanna stay home for awhile' but i don't. home is psychotic right now. no walls, no floor, no kitchen, and the magazine deadlines sometime this week.... ugh.

update on the floor though - we did buy the flooring and now we're putting it in. unfortunately my Dad messed his wrist up, might be broken. so i'm the officially gluer. haha, have you ever spread floor glue?? it's this huge gloppy caulk colored stuff that you have to put on with a trowel. a notched trowel, you scoop the heavy mess up and smack it on the floor, then you have to knead and spread, and scrape, and ugh until it's a perfect set of lines. it's nuts.

-kinda like this, except not so grey... more caulky like. like that's tile, so it's grout. but i'm spreading glue.
- but i don't mind, it's all gonna come together and be a kitchen eventually.
- and yeah, i did steal that photo.

anyway, lum. ttyl. --k

peace.

I think I'm going to start blogging again... written entries are to much trouble.

I can't decide what I want to do.

I'm one of the most indecisive people I know.

...but when I finally make up my mind it'll be made up for good.

I need to decide....


graduate a year early and finish core classes at a community college?

pros: a year early! getting out of the house and into an out of state school w/out having to worry about my core classes.

cons: alllllooottt of work and discipline would be required.


playing piano for youth choir?

pros: no singing, a ministry outlet, doing something w/ my ability.

cons: idk if can handle it..... also, alllooottt of discipline.



and other things... in my spirtual//mental life.
just a bunch of junk.

peace.

my blog's going to have to take a break
i finally found that perfect journal and it's going to get used.

i love the word 'compose', it's a new favorite.

my fingernails are bright pink -as are my toes.

i have a doc appt. at 3:20 and a drum lesson at 3 so i gotta call mr Callaway and ask him to reschedule.

i like the word inspiration too.

things are going good w/ my friends, every thing's not 'the way it was' but it's better.

peace.

he stares at me, a knowing gaze
the light in his eyes, leads him through the maze
my mind is in knots, twisted and tangled
yet his focus is persistent, as if he really cares

m

a

k

e

s

m

e

wonder.

I was really nervous in my lesson before the recital - I even asked PJ to come and sit on the stage so there would be no one in the audience...

But then I got really dizzy, I dont know what was a matter with me. I remember closing the piano and tilting my head down and trying to cover my eyes. And then the next thing I remember I'm laying on the front pew and Chelsea's wiping my tears. They were streaming down my face into my hair and she's like "Kaylin... Kaylin are you okay?" and I started to say something but everything got so loud... like banging around in my temples. I started to sit up twice but I couldn't. Finally I just got up and start to walk and but I got light headed and couldn't walk straight - Mrs Susan was worried, she was like "Kaylin, what kind of medicine did you take?"

And honestly. I took some benedril yesterday morning, and then 800mg of Ibuprofen, but then right before I got to the church I took my last Demerol - Which is what they think caused it.

It hurt though. Not as bad as my Fentanyl headache... but a close 2nd.

I finally ended up on the nursery couch... With Chelsea, and my parents were like "Do you want to go home Kaylin?" and I rolled over to face them and looked up and my Dads like "Ok... we're definitely going home." and I started to say something and about that time Trey walked in... "What's the problem is she having a melt-down?" .... yeah so I definitely couldn't go home after that. My Mom was ike "Uhm, nooo she took some pain medicine for her foot and now she's throwing up and can't see straight." then Trey was like "Well I've got some Vicodin if it didn't help" ..... mom: "she took Demerol" .... trey: "oh, wow"

So I had to perform.

In the end I was to sick to be nervous and my fingers weren't even shaking....

However my foot was a little shaky about halfway through... lol

I messed up more than I thought... I was ill-prepared and dizzy.

Ha, I was fine until I went to go walk up the stairs... Then it was like the whole room changed keys w/out me.

I give myself a C-

i need to blog, but i don't feel like it.

i really don't want to play in the recital - and no one can make me.

i have no clue why i woke up at 5 and can't get back to sleep.

it's cold in my room.

i need coffee.

but my parents moved the coffee machine to their room

*confused face*

'why?' - you ask... to annoy me probably.

back to bed....

i want to be able to play like, worship music.

for real though, for some reason or another i've never been able to do it. pj says it's because i don't have any patience for myself. i guess i have to agree. i don't like doing something i can't do... which means i'm not a very good student i guess... i feel sorry for pj. he knows i could do more, just as well as i do. and i don't. *sigh* i've got a headache.

2 really good sermons today - you shoulda been there.

speaking of being there - my parents were not. idk, i guess on one hand i know they were worn out and needed to stay home and "rest" but on the other hand, it's their fault they were worn out, and the odds are they'll be worn out next Sunday. i wish there was a bit more balance in our family. loi

----------

okay, so here's the deal - I really don't care what notes i'm singing in youth choir, i mean sure i can hit the high ones but i've always been an alto because that's what my friends are and i can belt most of our songs. loud. lol, but now pj is putting anna in the soprano section and i don't want her to go... i don't want her to end up like amanda. i have nothing personal against her (w/ the exception that she might have lied) and i don't want to mess up our relationship.

but then again, next year is her senior year, so it will be her last, and do i really want to change parts when i've got 2 more years?

idk, it would spread the altoids out a little, chels and lizz on the alto side and me and anna on the soprano... but i have a feeling it would just make it worse and I would most likely be accused of moving because i condone anna's behavior... idk, i'm just gonna have to pray about it.

----------

i have a hard time praying about things i don't want the answer too... like as much as i want us all to be great friends again i don't want God to tell me to do anything that could put my relationships on the line - and i have a strong feeling that he would.

i think that the more i get to know God, and the more i trust him; the more i hear him, which ultimately comes down to me needing to do certain things... or even knowing things other people don't and not knowing what do w/ that knowledge.

it's tough.

----------

i need to buy a bible. i can't write in cason's and i like to be able to know "where i've been" in it, and what i gained.

----------

peace.

I've got approximately 30 minutes before my meds kick in.

I don't really have anything to type about... other than i'm sooo tired and I'm glad Cohen's babysitting tomorrow instead of me. Don't get me wrong - I love my cousins... But they can give me the worst headaches. [especially when he's throwing baseball bats at my head]

luckily he missed.

then he went and sat in his room w/out his remote for 30 minutes.


it kills me how much people have changed.... when I was 6 I was lucky to get to watch the news w/ my Dad. Now my 6yr old cousin has a tv/vcr/dvd player and a v-smile mounted on his wall.

lol

I've got a tv now... but it doesn't come on unless i'm entertaining kids for the 'rents.

or i'm stuck in bed doped up on Vicodin and Demerol.

His never goes off.

amazing.

I've been home for a full 30 seconds and already my Dad's yelled at me... I guess I caused it.... but still. Believe it or not I don't want his dirty hands all around my neck when he needs a bath and I'm in pain.

I slipped today... twisted my foot a weird way - hurt so bad I was crying.

I can't stand ccooper. I wish he would just stay away from me. Regardless of whether or not he knows he creeps everyone out he should still be conscious of the fact that it's a little creepy for him to walk into PJ's office just to watch me... *shudder*

mom's home.

don't know where she went.

she's back.

i took some meds... im goin to sleep.

--