bad news bears

im crushing hard on a guy with a girlfriend

this cant be good

as i was looking through my debit statement today, i came across an amazing realization. *drumroll* i have to stop going to starbucks. right now. seriously though guys - i spend an astronomical percentage of my paycheck (from starbucks) at starbucks. not to mention that fact, that i dont really need those extra calories.. at all!

so, for lent
im giving up starbucks
not the building.. mind you

just, the drinks.. on or off shift
i mean, i dont even know if i can physically do it. im almost positive that approximately 78% of my daily caloric intake, come straight from those lattes. i might have to like, eat real food.

so, in conclusion,
im buying a box of chai,
and marking out my coffee
and water only at work

i can do this?

this blog is supposed to consist of my thoughts, my emotions, my stories, my down times.. and my low times. in the older pages i can see that.. i can see my heart, i can how i was hurting on a day to day basis. i made this page public not too long ago, because i needed to be more open, i need to allow people in. but, as of late, even though i have written a lot on here, there hasn't been a lot about me. i haven't written about what im dealing with, my temptations.. food, boys, sex, cigarettes, college! i mean, really... i can't allow myself to limit what i write here. this is my vent, and without it...
im pretty sure i couldnt survive.

i changed the url again, its just me, just my name

i dont care who reads this, i shouldnt anyway. this is me, im just like every other teenage girl out there.. im frazzled, broken, and trying to 'find my way'... people can relate with this stuff, and i dont mind if you tell me im in the wrong, odds are - i probably know it already. so comment!
discuss, heck, talk to me about it in person


okay deep breaths..


so im sitting here on my roof
cigarette between my lips

i really like smoking, i know its not good for me, i know i should probably "cut it out" but for some reason or another, i dont care. i dont care that im going to get lung cancer, i dont care that i smell like smoke, i dont care that my parents would freak if they knew. it's my body right? it takes me back to when i was arguing about not eating.. it's not affecting anyone right? im not damaging anyone else.. its my body, my food, my life, and its in
my control...

comtemplative
its the same rush

its dark outside. i climb.. inching really, up the wooden lattice, backpack in tow. i find my spot, crawling; a small concave in the roof, a concealed flat. its freezing, i pull my sweatshirt tighter to my body, shivering. unzip the bag, pulling out my macbook and a small metal box, lay them out beside me and look up, taking it all in. there aren't many stars out.. but the moon is immense, bright; beautiful. i slowly look back down, shaking away my shallow perception of the world, i open the laptop lid, password? glowsticks. i scan a few emails, track my packages. then, with the breeze, i ease back to reality, realizing why the hell im sitting on the roof, i crack open the small tin... inside is a thin sheet of matches, cigarette remains, and a shiny plastic covered box "marlboro lights"... packing the cigarettes with my left hand, i pull up facebook, xanga, blogger, and fumbling for matches, i begin my evening. the matches refuse to light, set the computer down, furiously trying to create a spark; light. i breath out, and then deeply in.. my eyes begin to water; throat burning. out of nowhere, i hear a soft vibration, cell phone. anna foster. i'll call her back.. and toss it to the side. breath in, deeper this time cycling smoke through my nose; head swimming, pounding,
youre smarter than this. to high. slowly

flashback

tiptoe, around sleeping bags.. under the table. turning the knob, click click click.. one foot after the other. the hallway is dark, long; suffocating. easing down aisles, wooden floor; creak. trying to keep from waking anyone. my stomach is turning, i can feel the calories; swelling; drowning. my thoughts are in panic mode. peering into the guys room... pastor jason sound asleep, trey's snores snuffling out any chance of my steps awaking him. continue. open a door, i dont know this church. kitchen; shit. i keep walking; trip, fumble, fall. nearly missed the rug; noise; freeze. stillness, a sigh.. no one heard. on edge, my mind cant take it.. shouting at me, hurry; screaming, faster. next door; bathroom, relief. slowly allow the door to close; locked. tiptoe; to the sink. turn the water on halfway; lukewarm. stomach; flipping. i catch my shadow on the wall; repulsed. closing my eyes. two fingers; choke. tears. food; head, swimming, high. pounding, youre better than this, youre better than this; mirror, eyes bright with salt and dark with makeup remains; repulsive, rinse, and repeat

blog later
thinking

i wish you were with me today...

when i awoke this morning,
my ankle was the size of a baseball

and it hurts


i got an A on my health test
and an A on my essay :D

music appreciation today
then ensemble practice

i dont know what to expect at ensemble
im sure we'll have a delightful time


there are several other things,
that i would like to mention here
but i dont feel like i should

amanda, you know my thoughts (:
tell elliott he should let you off that leash
just kidding just kidding...

shes beautiful in her simple little way
she don't have too much to say when she gets mad
she understands she don't let go of anything
even when the pain gets really bad
guess I should've been more like that

you had it all for a pretty little while
and some how you made me smile when i was sad
you took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
then you realized you wanted what you had
i guess i shouldve been more like that

i should have held on to my pride
i should have never let you lie
i guess you got what you deserved
i guess i shouldve been more like her

forgiving you, shes stronger than i am
you dont look much like a man from where im at
its plain to see desperation showed its truth
you love her and she loves you with all she has
i guess i shouldve been more like that

i should have held on to my pride
i should have never let you lie
i guess you got what you deserved
i guess i shouldve been more like her

shes beautiful in her simple, little way

things are a bit hectic at the moment
i feel like everything is frozen and moving way to fast at the same time

my head hurts a lot these days
ive been through a bottle of ibuprofen this week
i have a concert report, and math homework due
im tired today

i went to lunch with candace and lily..
im learning to like people, and choosing to love them
these two aren't hard to like though :)

this morning.. i woke up late, didnt get my coffee.. and class was horrible
starbucks is becoming more and more of a family than i ever though it would
i went by there.. got a drink, and some hugs.. instant rehabilitation :)

starbucks does this thing where partners can write out these little paper card things to tell their fellow partners that theyre doing well.. or that they admire them.. or basically, anything
today i wrote out a card for everyone at work

it made me smile

work
coffee
class
test
shower
work
class

and then a guy in my class
asked me if i was busy...
said he had an hour between classes
then he bought me sushi
and we talked about life
sitting outside of the cafeteria
watching the sun go down

we shook hands
and went separate ways


confident

valentine's day

worked from 9 - 6
went boarding
took a bath
ate pizza

tired

im moving out
as stated before


there are these awesome lofts downtown.. ive got amada convinced. and i might ask chelsea and lizzie... with 4 people the rent would be 165 a month.. plus utilities. we're going down there to look at them on monday. my driving time would be almost exactly the same.. but she (amanda) still has to get a job.

plus.. amanda doesn't know if she wants to room with them. then again, i mean, we're not going to see each other... like, at all. between classes and work.. i just need a bed, shower, and refrigerator... so, we'll see

im going to be on campus most of the day...
so hopefully i'll get my internet fixed and update again


still no keys
my mom's upset
my father's a jerk

story of my life
i cant cry anymore

4 months
4 months until i turn 18

on june 12th 2009
i need to move out

in preparation for this
i must look for roomates
and, an apartment

God help me
my head aches
i need peace

i dont know which is up
which direction to take

and i feel like last night
i took a big step backward

i slept through my bio lab
well... kind of

i tossed and turned

today will be a horrible day
and i cant choose to change that
its just the way it is

i havent been downstairs yet
i wish i had a ground level room

sitting here at the front door
ready to leave... 5am

that gives me 3hrs to get there
just in case

and... i cant do it

i cant make myself leave
im not scared
im not nervous

i just, i dont think it's what im supposed to do
Jesus... help?

im about 89% sure that i'm running away in the morning

yes, i know.. its drastic
and yeah... pretty immature as well

i know my parents will disapprove
and i know that grant will disapprove
and i know that i shouldnt do it

but something needs to change you guys
ive tried talking to her, ive tried reasoning with him

but no one hears me

and i know, i sound like the typical teenage girl
but i also know, that im a good kid. and people like me.. and adults like me. and there's no reason why my father should treat me like he does. im his personal outcast, always. and i dont care that he's sick. i'll be completely honest... being sick doesnt give him any right to treat his "family" like he does.

about a year ago.. i blogged about it i think... but, basically my mom couldnt take it anymore either.. i wanted for them to get a divorce so bad.. i wanted for her to to just, just.. leave. but she didnt, for some crazy reason, after a week of so of crying, and long phone calls with mrs laura... things just... went back to the way they were.

i want to love him
im choosing to love him
because every other thought and emotion
in my body right now says to hate him...

its not fair... my dad is great guy
and its no fair that we dont get to have that part of him
he lives with us, we go through the same crap
yet, hes just...

i dont know guys
he just, changes


im running away tomorrow
he took my keys... and God forbid i have to ask for a ride to school
i have a bio lab at 8am, and i dont skip biology classes


fact: ive been crying for 43 minutes straight now

edit: im not really running away
im just walking to school

i wrote my first essay ever
and people liked it



Kaylin Stone 2.9.2009

I'm probably not your typical college student. I ride a skateboard and make coffee for a living. As a home-schooled individual, I have not been in a classroom since grade 2. But, like most college freshmen, I'm required to write this essay. So I am sitting in Starbucks... drinking my double-tall, one pump toffee-nut, nonfat with whip latte, contemplating my future success in college. For the purposes of this essay, I've thrown together a haphazard list of fairly ambitious goals. Deciding on a major, achieving above average grades, and improving my vocabulary are my top three academic goals for this semester.

While a major in applied chemistry or a minor in piano pedology might not pique your interests, both fit into my diverse list of possible educational paths. The idea of having to choose one thing to do for the rest of my life is a daunting yet exciting thought. After taking this course, and meeting with Mr. Kimbrough, I have decided that the career planning class next semester would be a great place to start when choosing a major. The use of internet sites to research average earnings and advancement opportunities will help me to narrow my choice of majors. Also, I have been offered multiple internships, which could help give me an up close and personal look at the skills and courses needed for specific professions.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to have a 4.0 GPA at the end of this semester. But I'm not going to be that psychotic studier that regrets not taking advantage of extra-curricular activities and socialization. I want to do the best that I can, but finding a balance between work and play is something I'm going to work on. Planning out my semester on a daily calendar has really helped me out as far as knowing where my “study blocks” are. Just the ability to go out on the weekends and not feel guilty leaving my books behind has taken a weight off my shoulders. Throughout this course thus far, discovering that I have a very kinesthetic learning style has made a major impact on the way the way that I study, and the way that I listen to lectures. This, in turn, has brought my grades up exponentially.

My final goal mentioned in this essay is probably not the first thing you think of when it comes to academic goals. But, I want to expand my vocabulary. I want to be one of those people that have a vigor and eloquence to their speech. The main way I'm starting to learn new words is a “word of the day” e-mail I get every day from “wordsmith.org”. After reading said e-mail, I take a few minutes, research the word (origin, pronunciation, etc) and ultimately try to use the word in my daily conversation. My word for today is novelette; which is quite fitting if you ask me.

This essay basically sums up my semester goals... and that was the point. Reading back through I realize that, while I’m probably not the average college student, I am the average kid. I don't know what I want to do with my life, or who I want to spend it with. I just know that I want to do well, without getting so wrapped up in the future, that I lose sense of today. I want to make a difference in the world, and lives, around me. And I can start that right now... on this campus.

yeah, i know my blog is public
i just dont know it.. consciously

candace freaked me out
im okay now, breath

oh McGarveys... how i love you two



it does make me think though,
i mean.. im sure there are people out there i know, that have seen this compilation of kaylin... and i wonder, how many of those people just swing by to check things out, you know? there's no way for me to moderate..
or regulate anyone viewing this

i miss xanga, i miss checking my "footprints"
* checking your footprints on xanga is kind of like having
a feed of everyone who's "stepped" onto your blog.. and also,
which search engines are indexing your rss feed
good things to know

im pretty sure alison cataldo hates my guts

im trying to be nice, i am being nice
i just cant seem to please her...

and i dont have to please her!
thats not my job, im not her mom

as in, tomorrow
as in, the day i have off
as in, the day i have to write my paper
as in... sigh


see... what had happened was...

caroline (manager) was working from 530am - 2pm, but she has family from out of town here... so, she asked travis to cover her shift, which he gladly did... but, travis was already scheduled to work from 8am - 3:30pm... so travis asked me if i could cover his shift.. and, i said no, at first. admittedly.. i did not want to work, but i felt guilty for some reason or another.. and caved. i was like, well.. i mean, if you can't find anyone else... call me. he didnt call me. however, alison said that she would cover his shift.. but she was working from 530am - 11:45am.. so she asked me if i could come in from 8am - 11:45 when she got off.. and then she'd finish out travis' shift... and i was like.. sure, i guess... yeah. well.. then, she was like.. well, you could just come in from 530am - 8am and then i'll get here... which i completely agreed to..

and then realized that left them short handed from 8am - 11:45am...
which is the rush of the morning

so, kaylin realized that she was going to have to work until 11:45
and miss sunday morning church... again

but then, kaylin got to work tonight... and checked the schedule
as it turns out, alison's shift that kaylin is covering?
yeah, it doesnt end until 1:45pm

so kaylin is working 8hrs tomorrow
and she just got home from work
at midnight

which means i get 4hrs of sleep
and i dont have time in the afternoon
to study, write a paper, and sleep

which means i'll probably miss the door
which means i'll have a crappy day

good night guys
love ya'll

panic..

wait, im not hiding anything
im an open book

ask me a question
i have no reason to hide things


i feel quite discontent with my life... and i shouldnt. im a full-time student at Columbus State University. ive got a job that i love at starbucks.. where i go in and work with people i love. i have a second job at brusters, with people that respect me, and appreciate me. i babysit once or twice in a typical week, and these kids that i adore.. love me right back. any time im not working, learning, or studying, or working away at the massive piles of homework around me.. im sleeping or (occasionally) eating.

im so busy, my calendar is full
but for some reason or another
all of it.. is not enough

im trying to fill my discontent with appointments.. i feel like im working all the time.. not because i need the money, or love my job.. but because i dont do anything else. i feel like im missing something.. and while the past few weeks of exploring myself, looking for this hole, this... void - ive come up short, i think today, i might have hit something. i think im looking into it too much... too deep. im almost positive that my shortcome is because this thing is on a much shallower level than i anticipated...

you see guys, i dont have any friends
and as okay with that as i am.. or, think i am
or even want to be...

im sure this is what im missing
human relationship

is that needed? is community a necessity?
i dont know...

i dont know

obama-me

i got this from a friend, mike, and like he says...

regardless of political affiliation..
it was fun :)

the first step, is admitting that you have a problem