im in a really weird mood

i miss australia dearly.. i miss warm days and cold nights.. and i miss the smell, i miss flipflop tanlines and ice coffee... i miss the deck.. i miss the first sunshower, during youthstreet... i miss vultures, i miss doing cartwheels in the auditorium. i miss listening aidan sing through psalms.. making up music to go along. i miss standing outside of the registrar making faces at whoever was working at the time, i miss beggin for food... and stealing chocolate out of the kitchen. i miss walking the streets and throwing rocks at bats. i miss townsville. i miss being called george on a regular basis... i miss the weird little mailmen on scooters, i miss escaping the base fence... i miss wednesday nights, and watching kelsey trying to hide her mane walking down the streets. i even miss the stupid cigarette tobacco. i miss always being near someone playing music, and i miss woje on the lawn during barbques... i miss

colossians 2:8

see to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy or empty deceit according to the elemental spirits of this world, and not according to christ.

i thought it was interesting, to say the least

it has nothing to do with the first part at all

just thoughts... thoughts

power

im running on low power

in life, in school, in work

i got home from school... and on the way i was talking to god about the mac air... ive been interested in buying one for a few months now, and yesterday i went and played with it at graphicom. i came to the conclusion that i would send out a support letter for my internship.. and then if i could save enough at starbucks before i leave, then i would look into getting a refurb... but today i was telling god about it,

-----

you know.. i dont really need a new computer, ive had mine for over two years and it works perfectly fine... no worries. its just a material toy, that i dont need...

right...

yeah god.. i mean.. yeah.

do you want a brownie milkshake?

i really want a brownie milkshake... but there are kids in developing nations all around the world that would be over joyed with a low-fat vanilla milkshake...

mmm

okay, god, i want to buy that computer. god, but for real, have your will - because i really dont want to be that person... i dont want to have all the latest gadgets out of some stupid materialistic issue...

i know your heart babe.

yeah.. you do

-----

so then, i got home opened my computer.. checked my email, facebook, talked to ben for a bit.. then, i decided that i should probably keep the computer i have in the best condition i could.. so i closed all my apps, took the case off, shutdown the computer, flipped it over, took out the battery, and let it rest for a minute... i went to the bathroom, came back... put the battery back in, pushed the power button... and nothing happened. nothing. happened.

since then i have looked at 275438 forums, talked to two support people, et cetera... it just wont come on. im pretty upset about it. but like i said... i want god's will.. even in my computer issues..

the power on my computer wont work

i dont have to go in to starbucks tonight...

so i shall watch a movie in about 5 minutes

and then i will sleep, for long hours

just another day in the life.

pursuit

: a really good concept,

a very passionate idea

pursuit

or, pursuing

striving?

meaningless...

the closer i get to god, the more intimate our relationship is, the easier i hear soft his voice, the more i sense his light sweet chiding for conversation, the more able i become, to wrap my head around this romance that i am walking into... my heart wants to be around him all the time, my soul thirsts for the fulfillment i find in him. my eyes are opened to an entirely new realm of closeness and love. passion. the farther i wonder into his arms the warmer i am. comfortable. his delicate creation is all around, artwork and painted landscapes, made for me. made for me. at the brink of the first creative moment, my father spoke life and beauty into nothingness, a blank canvas... and now, now he romances me with it... his tender shadow in the sunset, and mighty strength in the waves. i cannot help but fall in love with this man. my heart thrives in his presence. his genuine pursuit, drives me to give my all to him. i am willed beyond physical comprehension, to follow him. his pursuit of me. he wants me. there is no need to worry if he'll pick up the phone, or send me a message, he is constant. he doesnt need anything from me, he is my everything. he doesnt have to watch over me, or hold my hand when im scared, but he does. my father loves me. loves me. world ideas and innocent vulnerable people, throw the word around like snowballs... loving for impact. my father loves. my father loves me in a way that the word could never describe, but i offer it anyway. love. agape. unconditionally. without condition or thought of why, he loves. the birds in the sky sing louder than i do... even the caged sparrow cries out to him more often. i am not worth this. i am nothing compared to everything he is. he is my all. my heart is being sewn to his, and the pattern is up, down, swirls... the stitching so intricate, and hard to distinguish. i ask for his heart for this world... and as i grow in sensitivity and understanding, i also grow in caution, and callous... my heart hurts for his children, for me. my eyes are moist and i cannot help but cry to him... the widows the orphans the slave the broken. hope. i want to be everything for them. i want to show them a new way, a way of contentment and love. passion. peace. coexisting. fulfillment in something neverending.... living out a story that you get to mold, with him as the potter. i am clay. we are clay. i long for human contact to satisfy the place that my father lives. i am discontent with my earthly relationships, because i have been ruined for life. ive had a taste. i understand the cinematic version, i can visualize the physical attempt at what my father has perfected... but after the intensity, after the all-embracing, comprehensive, sweeping... after him, what is this? it feels cheap and meaningless because it is. the comparison is null. i ache for the physical representation though, i want to see a man that strives to accurately portray the relentless pursuit that my father has for me. i cant go back to running for them, i cannot go through the heartache and weak photo of the needy girl. i am not in need. i have the very best. the very best. i long for the holiness, the consecrated sacredness. i lounge in his purity. i know what it is to live in his passion. his passionate reality. him. i am in him. i want to be the girl that is so hidden within him, that they have to look to him for me. i want to be so distracted by my father that i couldnt bear to leave his side to pursue something that is seemingly trite, or meaningless. meaningless.

i just dont even know what to say...

"well baby girl.. you're back in it"

and i hate it

i cant even write all this out...

we'll talk later

90%

this week has been really busy..

really busy but surprisingly really good.

i've worked... 31 hours, and i have another shift on sunday

all of my classes have been rather enjoyable,

or at the very least sit-through-able

which is good. which is awesome.

i dont really have much to say... im still praying about everything... i feel like i need to write though... living with kelsey has been, good. but, ive been taking on too much of her life. i know i have, but i like it.. i think. i just need to understand that i dont have to do it.. and then its fine. ha.

i havent been eating enough...

*goes to kitchen and gets noodles*

connor has a karate testing thing tonight

i think kels and i are going...

mmm

not a lot to say though...

nope... nope nope nope.

:)

made my first mutually beneficial friend

never make mutually beneficial friends unless a) they live in your country b) theyre of the same sex... or c) you intend on marrying them. sharing that much deep conversation with someone is different than just, listening to that much deep thought, opinion, and experience... listening to god and directly other people to him is good... but this thing? its just, different.

being mentored and having mentors are good value, accountability and being discipled... also incredible things - when done correctly... unrestrained and without hesitation? not taking into account any of the obvious flaws in the system? not so much. guys, i screwed this one up. i can spit out these fact over and over again... but when will i live out my information from my heart? when will i learn that knowledge is useless without gods word, his leading...

this type of relationship should be reserved for married couples, and jesus. i almost feel like i've violated something by taking conversation to that level, so often, so hard, so fast... guarding your heart? we should have done that - not talked about it. yes, it was comfortable, yes it was safe... but it wasnt. being that vulnerable isnt good if it's only temporary. pouring yourself out and taking another in... its like melting to worlds together and then trying to separate the wax... like two candles sitting beside each other, the hotter they get, the longer the burn, the more often you light the wick.... the more likely they are to meld. dont ever settle for a temporary meld... its impossible to separate without taking part of that other person with you, and without leaving part of you heart behind....

when will i learn to align my desires with his?

when i learn that losing my life, is finding it?

when will i consider my emotions,

my flesh, heart, and humanity,

before the aftermath?

so many more words i could type

i hope i havent ruined things

that i still have a friend

...

so much more...

so less dramatic though

just comfortable

and easy...

i feel_ severed.

kelsey moves into my house tonight

i have a lot of feelings about this... i feel happy, excited, nervous, anxious... ive missed her so much... more than ive missed most people in my life. kelsey is one of those friends that i know will be friends for a really long time... i dont want to say life-time, because i think that cheapens the idea of life... but for a long time, definitely.

its going to be weird having someone here that understands... understands ywam.. understands conviction, heart-ache, and folllowing god in a half-way around the world sense. its weird to think that 7 months ago i had never even heard of this kelsey gordon girl... and now this random red-head from missouri is moving into my house, sharing my room, my friends, my city, my life. its kind of a really big deal actually. interdependence here we come.. lol

im glad that shes coming, im glad for accountability. only... there's one real issue. i dont know if i can talk kelsey about going back to australia... ive been praying about it a lot. i dont want me possibly going back so soon to influence her in anyway - honestly, i would love for us to go together... that would be so incredible, but i dont know if that's what god has for her... and i want gods best for her, with all of my heart i want her to follow him. i know she feels called back there... or at least, i know that she thinks that she knows shes called back... but i dont know about timing, or anything. gods timing is perfect.

i want gods timing to be my timing... "even the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing" - chris. and this is true, totally true... i think this plays into my bcc as well... i know that i wouldnt have the right heart going into it if i had gone straight back after christmas... i would've been heart-broken, actually. i wouldnt have gone back to work... or school... i wouldnt have invested near as much time into problems and situations with friends and family. i know that i wouldve held my composure... and played the "we have a perfect life" game for the month that i wouldve been home... im so glad that im home. im grateful for gods timing. im thankful that he breaks us down before he puts us back together. im so grateful that knows me better than i do, that he knows my heart... which only makes me want to strive even more for purity, holiness, boldness, and everything in between.

im sitting outside of connor's karate joint right now... i really love my little brothers. im just realizing over these past few months how much they look to me, how much they want to be me, and have my approval - i have such a big influence in their lives that i have so often overlooked. i dont want to do that anymore, i want to be there for them.. i want to convey the love a big sister should... i want to take cohen and callie out to coffee, and play scrabble with connor at starbucks... i want them to understand fullfilment in god, and not just this lame idea that my parents have raised us with - the idea that was never enough to satisfy my hunger for intamacy with god, the idea that following god was about moving a lot, yelling a lot.. and not having any patience...

here comes connor

tbc

internship

towards the end of my time in oz i started to contemplate the reality of going back on staff. i figured id push it back until january though, since home was on my heart and the last thing i wanted to think about was being back in townsville for a year.

now, things are different. my post before shows very transparently the reality of me not going to europe... my class schedule works out to where i could complete a may-mester of classes at csu before i went to the july internship... ive run some numbers, and i can save enough cash to make it in australia for the entire year... plus airfare... the internship has quickly taken up a lot of space in my thoughts... i dont want to ask for money, i dont want to be a support-based missionary. i dont want to live a vocational lifestyle....

but i feel like its where i need to be

my heart hurts when i hear about australia

the radio seems to always be talking about it

i miss australia dearly

god... i need direction.

i want to follow him.... i want to do whatever it is that hes calling me to do... i want to devote my life to him.. even if that means leaving my friends, family, and independence.. again.

there's also a possibility of doing the bcc in january 2011, while on my internship...

life is a crazyas cycle

please pray for me guys.. and dont just make a mental note of it, but stop for a second, shut your eyes... please? lol.... where two or more are gathered... i dont know. i really need to be able to hear his voice clearly on this one.. a year of my life may seem like nothing to most... considering im still 18.. but it means heaps to me...

what's your plan now that youre back?

oh well, im doing a semester at csu... and then this girl i work with (lolly) and i are headed to europe to go backpacking for a month or so... and then maybe, another semester here? then, possibly, back to australia in january? im not quite sure.. im still sorting some things out...

wow.. that's so awesome!

yeah, totally.

- - - - -

the problem is, its not so awesome guys... ive been wrestling with god over this lordship issue for quite a while now. i cant seem to full-on just rely on him, and let him lead. im more than willing to plan ahead, more than willing to keep my independence... and there it is, out in the open. i want to be independent still, even after everything god has taken me through, even after he has supplied so much for me... even after ive turned my back on him so many times - only to end up sobbing in the car and soaking in his grace... his grace, that i so often take advantage of. i am so undeserving...

honestly, part of it is that i still cant seem to able to wrap my head around the idea that god wants to guide me, that he would want to be involved in all the inner-woven intricacies of my life. i have a really hard time accepting that... that... father like direction. my impulse is to run from it... and even though i know gods character, in my head, and even though its trickled into my heart some... i still struggle with it, too much.

so now, back to the issue at hand - europe. hearing adriel's stories and listening to incredible accents... traveling across the world and meeting people who were different... grasping the fact that backpacking is a reality, understanding that the world is at my fingertips.. and adventure is just a plane ticket away... drinking coffee from around the world, and smoking menthols with a scottish girl in new zealand.... and so many other things; have attributed to my desire to go.

ive always wanted to backpack around europe... taking music appreciation this past semester just made me add more and more cities that i want to visit. oh vienna, how i would love to walk your streets... amsterdam, your canals want me to leave columbus tomorrow. barcelona... madrid... valencia! i just... i cant help but get excited just thinking about it...

but it all comes down to this - god has not called me to go to europe right now. in fact, i remember sitting in the bush on a fallen tree during camping... talking to jesus... and heard him call me to missions. i did. clear as the sound of my fingers hitting these keys... the only person i told was kelsey... that night, lying in the middle of an abandoned road, smoking pipes and watching stars... on the verge of tears i whispered...

kels... i dont even think that i can say this out loud but...

yeah kayl?

i.. i think im called to missions.

and you guys have no idea.. the biggest shooting star i had ever seen in my life.. bright as anything... and kels freaked of course... i couldnt stop laughing... and crying at the same time... it was one of most meaningful moments of my entire dts...

this same week, was lordship week... friday during ministry time, i decided that i wasnt going to europe.. i told god that he was in control.. that he could have anything he wanted... that i didnt want to be like the rest of the ywamers in my city... that i wanted to succeed... that i wanted to follow him.... the widows the orphans the slaves the broken... my heart hurt when i made that statement. i knew that i was giving up a lot more than my words could express... but it was worth it. he was worth it. living a life solely devoted to his will and.. to him, was worth it.

is it still worth it?

why do i feel sick when i plan for europe? why do i feel like im directly going against what's he's told me? why do i feel like im taking words that other people would give their right arm to hear... for a summer of independence? why dont i value his word enough? why do i feel like im running from the one thing that i know i can trust?

why.

dear roadside assistance... i am indeed stranded at starbucks. to any normal outsider... this situation has all the probable means of sounding quite bizarre, maybe even comical. but to my friends, to my pals, my fellow baristas... and even to my mutually beneficial friend in the oz, today is just like any other in the life of george... pop-a-lock, make haste. for my bed-time is nye, and while yes, i have coffee, conversation... and my trust little macintosh - i am without my warm bed... my warm bed located in the area code 31280. i just to take this time to say a warm and smily thank-you to Francis, in japan, for answering my phone call when i dialed that trusty little AT&T help line that i never thought that i would need, and for being so patient when i couldnt find the address for the store, and for telling me to have a great day. even if our conversation was probably being recorded and/or monitored, and even if you did sound quite mechanical at times, i felt like we could've truly bonded over my lone experience in the starbucks parking lot, trying to figure out what kind of car i drive. thank you most of all for leaving me on hold for 7 minutes, but thank you for apologizing... and thank you for forgetting me.. also, i would like to thank sir evan collins, for lending me his cardboard jacket... for laughing at me... for understanding... and for asking cops to open my car - even if it was to no avail. thank you evan, you're a delightful human being.

oh friendly popalock man..

you are now officially late

it is quite a bother of course

but i forgive you

no worries