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what's your plan now that youre back?

oh well, im doing a semester at csu... and then this girl i work with (lolly) and i are headed to europe to go backpacking for a month or so... and then maybe, another semester here? then, possibly, back to australia in january? im not quite sure.. im still sorting some things out...

wow.. that's so awesome!

yeah, totally.

- - - - -

the problem is, its not so awesome guys... ive been wrestling with god over this lordship issue for quite a while now. i cant seem to full-on just rely on him, and let him lead. im more than willing to plan ahead, more than willing to keep my independence... and there it is, out in the open. i want to be independent still, even after everything god has taken me through, even after he has supplied so much for me... even after ive turned my back on him so many times - only to end up sobbing in the car and soaking in his grace... his grace, that i so often take advantage of. i am so undeserving...

honestly, part of it is that i still cant seem to able to wrap my head around the idea that god wants to guide me, that he would want to be involved in all the inner-woven intricacies of my life. i have a really hard time accepting that... that... father like direction. my impulse is to run from it... and even though i know gods character, in my head, and even though its trickled into my heart some... i still struggle with it, too much.

so now, back to the issue at hand - europe. hearing adriel's stories and listening to incredible accents... traveling across the world and meeting people who were different... grasping the fact that backpacking is a reality, understanding that the world is at my fingertips.. and adventure is just a plane ticket away... drinking coffee from around the world, and smoking menthols with a scottish girl in new zealand.... and so many other things; have attributed to my desire to go.

ive always wanted to backpack around europe... taking music appreciation this past semester just made me add more and more cities that i want to visit. oh vienna, how i would love to walk your streets... amsterdam, your canals want me to leave columbus tomorrow. barcelona... madrid... valencia! i just... i cant help but get excited just thinking about it...

but it all comes down to this - god has not called me to go to europe right now. in fact, i remember sitting in the bush on a fallen tree during camping... talking to jesus... and heard him call me to missions. i did. clear as the sound of my fingers hitting these keys... the only person i told was kelsey... that night, lying in the middle of an abandoned road, smoking pipes and watching stars... on the verge of tears i whispered...

kels... i dont even think that i can say this out loud but...

yeah kayl?

i.. i think im called to missions.

and you guys have no idea.. the biggest shooting star i had ever seen in my life.. bright as anything... and kels freaked of course... i couldnt stop laughing... and crying at the same time... it was one of most meaningful moments of my entire dts...

this same week, was lordship week... friday during ministry time, i decided that i wasnt going to europe.. i told god that he was in control.. that he could have anything he wanted... that i didnt want to be like the rest of the ywamers in my city... that i wanted to succeed... that i wanted to follow him.... the widows the orphans the slaves the broken... my heart hurt when i made that statement. i knew that i was giving up a lot more than my words could express... but it was worth it. he was worth it. living a life solely devoted to his will and.. to him, was worth it.

is it still worth it?

why do i feel sick when i plan for europe? why do i feel like im directly going against what's he's told me? why do i feel like im taking words that other people would give their right arm to hear... for a summer of independence? why dont i value his word enough? why do i feel like im running from the one thing that i know i can trust?

why.