i dont want to keep gaining.
i dont want to exercise.
i dont want to eat.

???

telling my parents hasn't helped a thing.
its made my house a wreck to live in.
my parents are always arguing.
my mom blames my dad for everything.
i refuse to talk to them. they cant make me.
so he tries to punish me for not liking him.
then he feels bad, and gives my stuff back.
and then the whole cycle repeats.

this.
sucks.


i still feel the same way -- about myself.
my mind's not getting any better.
it's not "well with my soul"
i dont even know if i want to get better.
i dont think my mind can change.
so whats the point in trying.


physically, i feel... well..
i dont feel anything.
except huge.


im so sick
of not
controlling
anything.



the house needs to sell.
soon. now. yesterday.


my mind wont stop going.
i take allot of sleeping pills.


im looking into ywam for the summer.
they haven't posted 2008 trips though.


i haven't had caffeine since Frday.
therefore i have a headache.


i dont want pastor jason to leave.
i want to be selfish.


i refuse to cry.
i refuse to be vulnerable.
i want to be stubborn.


im sick of being a "good girl"
im sick of stereotypical people.
watson mckemie hates me.


kyle makes me smile.

im a little... imbalanced.
i would say im starting to confuse my worlds.
but i think its rather opposite.

ive drawn a much more definite line.
my mothers tears are the one thing that touch both.
its not my fault though. it is my fault.
and i cant bring myself to acknowledge i care.

she wants to know whats wrong.
and then, why i cant say whats wrong.
i dont know... i cant tell you when it started.
i cant tell you why it started.

she asked last night why i was so angry at my father.
"I never said that." -- "It's what you didn't say."
they can see it all over my face.

which is good, as long as they see a hard selfish child,
they'll eventually give up and blame me.

and as far as im concerned, my father's stupid
psyche-wanna-be lectures can go on forever,
i dont have to talk to them.

they think they know me so well...
evidently i made all this up for attention.

and even though im disgusted that they think that.
-- id rather that be the case... rather than truth.
im hiding from the truth. running from it.

my father last night...
kaylin, have you really ever purged? really?
whatever. i can handle this.
in an effort to downplay the situation
ive created another facade.

ive doubled my mask.
and as long as i keep that definitive line,
i can do this.

im gaining.
and im scared.
i refuse to step on the scale.
im afraid to step on the scale.

higher numbers mean failure.
im afraid of failure. so i turn my back and run..
only to end up with a lousy mile and shin splints.

and then just to get home and eat...
after all that i freaking eat.
i don't deserve to eat.

pastor jason is moving to Iowa.
and im upset about it.
did you hear me???
IM UPSET about it.

i just cant handle this.
i keep everything inside...
im afraid. i dont want to be vulnerable.

pj pointed this out to me today.
he says its a terrible thing.
and that in order to have real relationships
i've got to make myself become vulnerable, and honest.



i feel horrible because he feels like im going to keep lying to him.
and truthfully i haven't lied to him but maybe once or twice.
im sorry for being deceitful, im sorry for putting up walls.

i need to figure out how to tear them down.
i need to decide who im going to let in... soon.
im sixteen and never had a real friendship...
never really had an honest relationship...
without the 'performing'



-- that is, except for pastor jason...
i really thought i was being me with him.
from my view i did anyway, but im finding otherwise.
because of all the time and effort i've put into creating this fasade
ive neglecting finding who i am.

so really all i was putting into even that relationship wasn't me...
it was what i thought people wanted me to be.


-----


and in neglecting truth -- ive neglected God.
ive got some searching to do...

peace.

as of now im talking to myself.
no more posting for others.

my blog is private,
not published,
author only,
as far as my parentals know...
its been deleted.

i could never delete it though.
its a part of me.

-----

michelle told them everything.
and i lied about some things...
but most of the truth came out.

except for the cutting... im not going to the bradley center.
no joke. im better. i can click this on and off.
but i need to learn to control my tongue.

one slip up and i could lose this game.

-----

i feel healthy. i feel full. i feel sick.
so lately - healthy = sick.

-----

i cant talk to anyone.
im going to tell them tomorrow.
that i cant confide anymore.

michelle - i could really care less.
she broke my trust, therefore i learned my lesson.
ahh, yeah i sound like an mature, juvenile freak.

pcollins said he has someone he wants me to talk too.
im not bulimic. that was blown out of proportion.
if anything, i would ednos w/ anorectic tendecies.
geez.

-----

i hate that they act like i know nothing.
but i cant say i do know stuff, because that would imply me researching this junk.


"kaylin, you know this isn't good for your body...?

this whole thing has become incredibly selfish.
and ive known this for awhile.

im not trying to be selfish. but it looks that way.
im not trying to be the little girl who needs attention
-- because she cant help herself.

thats why i changed my url.
and i dont know if ill give it back to her...
i cant do that to her. i need a place to vent.
and she needs to know that i dont need a vent.
she wants me to be okay. so i'll be okay.

i know she already knows allot.
but i think eventually she'll forget and move on.
if i wait it out, it'll be okay with us.

as far as pj... i dont know if hes getting the url either.
hes starting the on the same tangent as michelle.
"youre not being careful.. and youre doing it with someone i really like"

if i maintain, and smile, and act it out right. then i can do it.
i just have to be careful. -- yesterday we were talking about lies.
i lie allot, i lie about everything.. and i lie to cover up my lies.
and i lie to deceive people into thinking im not a good liar.

"me and pj aren't as stupid as you think, you cant fool us"
well, you know what? thats not true.
because if i didn't tell them what was going on --
if i didn't choose to let them in. -- then we wouldn't be here.

-----

i didnt set out to hurt other people.
and i still dont understand why they care.
i mean as long as i maintain my weight -- i thought they wouldnt mind.
evidently i am incorrect.

why do they care...? i mean really.
my body is just that -- my body.

-----

austins bridge is amazing,
its not like i love their music.
and im not some justin rivers fanatic.
i love their heart.

pray for them. they're going through some crap.
especially jason... and mike.

-----

pj's on vacation.
im glad he got to go.
but ill be gladder when he gets back.

-----

im not going to the doctor.

i guess shes right.
its been almost a year.
and i have gotten worse.

i remember saying i would never purge again.
i remember when i didn't care what i looked like.
i remember questioning how someone could injure themself on purpose.
i remember hating makeup, wondering why girls covered up minor imperfections.

my current outlook isnt very good.
but i can act like im getting better.
the fact that i feel like i cant trust her isnt helping.
i can put on a good enough show she'll even believe.

she was one of the two i trusted.
and now i feel she'll tell the world.
im dying on the inside.
but i cant tell anyone that.
the internet is my refuge.


and pj...? hes got allot going on. and im just worrying him.
i cant worry people anymore. im hurting them. breaking their hearts.
when reallyy... im okay.


no need to alert the media. kaylin's fasting.

to start off you gotta know -- i'm not stupid. not even remotely.

in saying this... i know, i'll never be good enough for myself. never enough. -- and i don't say that in any kind of oh-the-sky-is-falling way or feel-bad-for-me-i'm-pathetic way.

i just know this.
now, take that in.


whats the point of doing anything if no matter what it is you always feel short of the minimum requirement? whats the point of living if you don't get any satisfaction out of your life? even if you do "great things" or have a supposed talent, or anything -- if you cant be happy when you're done... where did you get yourself?

nowhere.

you never feel complete. you never feel whole. somethings missing and you know it. you cant ignore this hole. its like everyone else is looking at a different picture than you are.


so i guess the question is... how did this happen?
have i ever felt proud or accomplished?
ever felt that top-of-the-world feeling people describe?
like you know what you're doing is worth it..?

i don't know.
i've always felt short.
always.


because i know i can do better, i know i'm not doing enough.

but what is enough?
is it what you make it?


i'm not trying to be pathetic.
but i think i'm coming off that way.
i'm being honest..

wait.. why am i saying that?
this is my blogg.
i'll say what i want.

you don't have to read.



this hole is hard to fill... you do more and more things, tack on a few more good deeds -- come on, if you do just one more thing, one more class, one more faf category, one more choir, just sing on the worship team - then you'll feel worth it, like you're in the right. come on kaylin, learn to play the drums.. then you can be utilized, and you'll feel complete.

pretty soon you get tired of the cycle. if those things aren't helping maybe you've got a problem, maybe you need to take a step back and examine yourself.

*steps back*

oh. my. gosh.
look you were right... if you just lose 30 pounds, then you'll feel better. come on now, everybody else is happy and okay w/ themselves -- if you're smaller than them then maybe you'll feel better about this whole situation. nevermind the fact that you're throwing up blood and you haven't had a period in a year... nevermind the fact that at this point you don't know if you'll be able to have kids. your physical body will get better eventually, you just have to be smaller.

but you cant ignore this problem. this one has physical symptoms.
so now not only are you not good enough -- but the way in which you're trying to get there is not good enough. "kaylin, there are other ways to control your weight" who cares about the freaking weight? the process is the gratifying part... oh wait... no, its not.


i just dont want to feel this way anymore.
im sick of it. but im addicted to the cycle.
i feel_ numb.

its great though kaylin.
what?
youre always eating, and you dont gain weight. :)
uhm, thanks?
no, its a good thing.
yeah?
yeah! because you can just eat and eat...
and you still look cute.
thanks kyle. *sarcasm*
no... kaylin, i mean, most girls... ugh, nevermind.
haha, its okay i get what you mean.

hahaha, if the poor boy only knew.
i guess ive been over-compensating
you cant make up for eating by talking about food.

*sigh*

thoughts.

like killing ourselves with the worst of weapons;

ourselves.

i swear i must have slipped right
through the cracks in the floor.

i took a walk... with cohen.


candid i promise.


make a wish.


blurryy... sad face.


same random fence.


high exposure. fast shutter.

bike balancing.


read all about it.


the suun. :)


amazing contrast loves.

to retain.

sodium.
too much?
no way.
flintstones.
vitamin fat?
nuh uh.
laxative.
again?
idk...
smaller.
fast?
maybe.
numbers.
control?
possibly.

peace.

i left something important at church.
got home, then i went back to get it...
then got all the way back outside and
realized i left my makeup bag too.

locked out.
grr.

as in, not asleep. 326am.

running, slipping, falling, she's drifting.
and relatively unaware... so consumed.
they just stand there. silently watching.
but poking and prodding in the back of their heads.
will she would she, come back? come back.
reality ignored. what a simple statement.
but now friends, it's only more true from here.
is it it all too late to end

when i was two i overdosed on flintstone vitamins.
my parental units freaked - they have iron in them.
therefore i was given ipecac so i would regurgitate them.
thank God i never abused that drug.

i got flintstone vitamins today. yum.

i slept last night.
i have a background image.
no, i do not have an eating disorder.

i just found the photo.. and liked it.