found.

pastor jason is moving to Iowa.
and im upset about it.
did you hear me???
IM UPSET about it.

i just cant handle this.
i keep everything inside...
im afraid. i dont want to be vulnerable.

pj pointed this out to me today.
he says its a terrible thing.
and that in order to have real relationships
i've got to make myself become vulnerable, and honest.



i feel horrible because he feels like im going to keep lying to him.
and truthfully i haven't lied to him but maybe once or twice.
im sorry for being deceitful, im sorry for putting up walls.

i need to figure out how to tear them down.
i need to decide who im going to let in... soon.
im sixteen and never had a real friendship...
never really had an honest relationship...
without the 'performing'



-- that is, except for pastor jason...
i really thought i was being me with him.
from my view i did anyway, but im finding otherwise.
because of all the time and effort i've put into creating this fasade
ive neglecting finding who i am.

so really all i was putting into even that relationship wasn't me...
it was what i thought people wanted me to be.


-----


and in neglecting truth -- ive neglected God.
ive got some searching to do...

peace.