i really need to write
i just dont have any inspiration..
except for basically my entire life, day to day

haha
hmmm

quick(er) shallow(er) update than usual:

God's called me back here... to do a BCC (biblical core course)
i'll be spending 5 months of my life studying the word inductively
mmmm - intense much?

im trying to decide about going home for christmas

pros:
i get to be home!
i can share my heart with my community
i can encourage others to pursue the father... by example
christmas is kind of a big deal
i get to see connor!
fundraising is so much easier from home


cons:
the plane ticket itself would pay for half my school fees
i'd only get to be home for 4 weeks... tops
i would have to say my goodbyes.. again
i cant logically justify the money issue...


but, God isn't usually a God of common logic, eh?


pray for me... im making this decision by friday
i have a meeting with registrar tomorrow afternoon


this BCC thing is intense...
and right after school we go on an outreach
the outreach is basically us, teaching people how to study the bible and teaching third world pastors how to disciple their congregations...

and my heart turns violently inside my chest
i don't have time to maintain these regrets
when i think about, the way.... He loves me

i know who i am
and i know what my purpose in life is
most of all, i know... i know that i know that i know

that im in God's will
and that He approves of me

i'll set, you as a seal...
upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm,
for there is love, that is as strong death
its jealousy demanding as the grave

and i know
that im happy today

i dont really have a plan for this post...

so lets wing it

God is doing so much in my life right now its ridiculous... im learning to trust and lean on Him like i never knew that i could. i know these last few posts have kind of been a downer, but forgive me - its my vent.

australia is lovely... and the people here genuinely love Jesus and want to "seek and save the lost" you can just tell that "knowing God and making Him known" is the common goal here.

DTS is different than i expected.. they're literally taking us through a program to build us up in God - by means of cleaning out our souls... lol. everyone needs a firm foundation to start eh? every week is a new topic.. and every friday we have "ministry time". they're really big here on "confessing your sins to one another" and being "inter-dependent"... and sharing each others burdens. which i'll be the first to admit... isnt my personal forte. this community thing can really mess with me at times.

anyway, each friday most of the class has gotten up and shared their deepest darkest issues... crying and confessing... getting things out of their life and relinquishing any kind of foothold the enemy could get on them... people are being totally transformed, renewing of minds and all that jazz... its really incredible.

but then there's me... who had yet to go up...
i honestly just didnt feel like God wanted me to
until this past friday... oh lovely conviction


on thursday we finally hit our topic hard.. Steve Aherne (director of ywam australia) dove right into the father-heart of God... i could feel in my spirit that it was finally going to be my turn... and i waited anxiously all afternoon... praying that God would give me words. the subject touched on "hating the design" or, self image... he also talked about the way we all deal with pain... whether you're "rejected" or "rebellious"... and how you cope with change or hurt - the whole teaching just kept bringing things to mind from my childhood, and through my teens... but knowing full-well that i had been forgiven, forgave others, and that i had dealt with all that junk... i didnt think it would be an issue

boy was i wrong

God told me that He would "give me words" when i stood up in front of my group on friday... He told me not to worry.. everything would work out, trust Him.

and i did

the next thing i know half of the room is crying... the people i've gotten closest too were doubled over just weeping for me.. as i told bits and pieces of my story all of that pain came back... as i looked around the room into the eyes of people that i knew had been hurt in similar ways my heart broke for them... i could barely talk and i stumbled through my sentences... finally looking back to steve for affirmation. he was crying. i continued... pressing into my spirit and baring my soul in front of my brothers and sisters. the words just kept coming.. from up to down... to completely lost in the pain of the entire room. i collapsed into a chair that steve pulled out for me... and he began to pray. he looked up, and asked me if he could just hold me... scared to death i asked him not to... and my school leader Adriel wrapped me up in her arms. i fell apart, we just sat in the center of the room crying for what seemed like hours. steve quietly whispering words of comfort into my ear. then, pulling my chin up to look me in the eyes he said "kaylin, i want to stand in the gap, i want to be the man to stand up and ask for your forgiveness... kaylin, forgive me for the hurt and pain i've caused you.. will you forgive me?" i broke. if i wasnt already in shambles then that was the last straw...

i was shaking, adriel still wrapped around me...

yeah... yes, i can forgive you


and that was it..

i was sent to another room with my oneonone and a few other staff for prayer... i feel like God isnt done with my crap yet, but im continuously working towards complete healing.. but i know that'll come in God's time - not after, and not before. overall im glad God sent me up there friday... there are so many hurting people out there... people that relate, and people that understand. i am not alone. im growing. im healing. im completely whole in Him.

God has forgiven me for hating His creation.. and He's forgiven me for making a catastrophe out of his clay... and all i want is to do what He wants.. i want agenda to be His... i want His plan... im developing a hunger for His word.. and a thirst for His love and voice.

im in the right place

... im in the right place

ive been praying for God's conviction


i think i might be psycho


but

Jesus told me that i have to drink water
... a lot of water

Jesus also told me that i have to start flossing my teeth
... every stinking night

and finally
Jesus told me that i could never smoke another cigarette
... for the rest, of my life

*deep breath*

i can do this
i know i can

im overjoyed... because i felt like God has been trying to convict me of something for a long time... and i didn't know what it was, turns out - i have to floss my teeth? lol... i think He's telling me i have to keep my mouth clean. nicotine doesn't help with sharing His word in foreign countries.

so im about to go to sleep... with a clear conscience, a clean mouth...
and a heavy heart

here's where i am with andrew


... and i feel like im betraying something inside of me by writing this all out. but something else inside of me says that i have to get it out, before it tears me apart.

i feel like i need to give a little background info here... so let's start with this past week. Faith Dutton came this week to talk about relationships. note: this is five days after me andrew became.. well, no more? eh. note: relationships week was supposed to be week 7... but for some reason it got moved up. Faith Dutton talked all week about trusting God, and all about her husband... note: Faith's husband's name? Andrew. note: i thought about God and Andrew all week long.

okay, so. sunday morning (7 days ago) i told God that i would give Him three weeks to speak to me about this whole andrew situation... i honestly dont know what to think. andrew's spirit is telling him that this was it... this was all our relationship would/will ever be.

there's only one problem...

ive said from the very, very beginning that i didn't want to get too attached without God's approval - and He gave it me, full force. now why... why would He tell me one thing when the end result was going to be contrary? in reality.. there are tons of reasons for God to do this, namely being a test of trust, a test of dependence... or a just a test - period. i mean, on one hand, im being entirely objectionable... and that's the hand that thinks this could all be a test..

but on the other hand? ... i was there, i was there and i was with andrew. i was there with God when He told me it would all work out for the good of those who love him. i was there... begging God to take andrew away if it wasn't long term... i was there and doubted when andrew told me it would work out. i was in my bunk when i read that andrew was in it for as long as God said. i was convinced and overjoyed when i finally felt the same way - it took me so much longer to trust. it took me so much longer than andrew, to believe that this "thing could work out"...

and now, this?

its almost ironic

anyway... i told God that i would wait 3 weeks... take 3 weeks to pray and just open myself up to anything God was trying to tell me... guys, i honestly want God's best. im totally and completely willing to stake anything i had/have with andrew on that. God's not going to leave me out to dry. so... 14 days left.

the plan was not to talk to andrew at all... but he emailed me and we've talked a little. not much. i just really want God's clear concise word on this one. i love andrew, i know i could the rest of my life with andrew... but not if God doesn't want that.

and quite frankly - it takes two to tango

so... where is andrew in all this?
has he moved on completely?
does this even cross his mind?

i have no clue

i trust You God...
i trust You