i dont know exactly where i am in life

i only know that where i am in life is exactly where i need to be
i know that where God wants me to be is in Townsville Australia
bottom bunk, by the window, flat #8... ingham road

i know that God has a reason for me being here
if only for learning that i don't have to know what the reason is
sure, i hope He has a bigger reason, but i can accept that

God knows what He's doing... my Dad knows His plans for me... and im seeking Him with my whole heart, and holding on to His word in the respect that He will reveal Himself to me. He is revealing Himself to me


i don't know what's going to happen with andrew... from what i gather? nothing. i dont want it to be that way, i want to be with him. i want to be able to look forward to his emails... i want to get to know him on so many other levels. i want to comfort him, i want to be a source of safety for him.

i ask God all the time... what now God? cut my ties? end communication? what do i do now? - and what does God say? patience.


the problem is, i told God that He could have anything He wanted... last week i even went as far as to say that if for some reason i wasn't surrendering everything to Him; if i wasn't seeking Him with the drive and recklessness that He deserved; if i was in any way, form or fashion putting anything ahead of Him... then He had every permission from me to take it. God, your will - not mine. i didn't know how dangerous that would be until i found myself in my bunk... reading an email from seth.

"all relationships aren't meant to be endless"
"this thing we've become has served it's purpose"
"below the self-appointed image of drivenness and independence that you tend to step into, you are someone who cares for people, loves God passionately, and yearns to know him deeply. You are willing to stake everything on his leading, not really caring about the consequences, only caring about His approval. You have it; I can see it"



if all of that is true...
if i really am doing everything i can to be in God's will...

then why do i feel as though im being punished?

why do i feel guilty? why do i want a cigarette?

i quit smoking
i don't smoke anymore

but was that just for andrew? is that something i want? i dont think it was, or is. i dont think that's Gods best for me... i dont know what is His best for me but for some reason i dont see that fitting into the current plan.

God show me your next step, thank you for bringing me here... thank you for your grace and blessing... i dont know where i'd be without You God. continue to grow this hunger for Your word in me Lord... yeah God, just continue this work You've started in me. your word says that you dont start things without ending them... and i dont plan on flaking out anytime soon. you know me God, and you know im here... youre speaking to me God... i could never thank you enough God.. this is so completely trivial. i feel so stupid blogging to You. i just want people to know you God. i want everyone in the world to feel this love and security that i have. even not knowing what the hell i'll be doing six months from now.. even not knowing what i'll be doing tomorrow - i have a peace about it. i have a peace in You Lord... i trust You

God, i trust You

do i believe in coincidence?

grant i need to sit in your office

i need to talk and sort things out

i need to talk to someone who knows me

i cannot stand introducing myself.. i cant stand the fact that no one knows my story, no knows where ive come from - and what ive been through to get here... i need confirmation on some things... and and im just. im..

and i just, im at the weirdest place of being completely secure in God's will - and being homesick. im slowly coming to the realization that even if i could come home for the weekend... even if i could go skateboarding with connor, or smoke a cigar with caleb - i wouldn't be happy. i wouldn't feel the fulfillment i feel right now. im trying to align my desire with God's... i want so bad to be lost in Him to the point of not caring what i leave behind or where i go...

God is showing me so many new things about myself, and about His character. i love Him grant, and i'll get rid of anything that could possibly hinder me from getting to know Him or His plan for me... g.. God is testing me in the area of loving people - and trusting Him with everything and everyone i care about...

i trust Him grant, i do...

im crying

i can't believe i've only been here a week..

it seems like forever


i feel like i've known some of these people my entire life. and it can only get worse from here, eh? this commune thing is flat weird. but i love it. well, im starting to love it. basically, i live... everyday, in this secluded group of people. we eat, pray, study, sleep, adventure, run, exercise, and just about anything else you can think of - together. it's literally a family. one big Jesus loving family. everyone works for the good of the group. not one is selfish or greedy....

i need to write more, but i should sleep

tomorrow maybe?

hey guys

im in bed late at night...
thought i'd give a brief synopsis of the past few days...


airports:
are lovely.. i love them. i met a lot of really cool people. we just talked about what we were doing in life.. what we were trying to accomplish, what our plans were.... that kind of thing. it was really cool - i think because, in airports, everyone is going somewhere... they all have some kind of determination to get to another place. some were going with just a ticket and a backpack.. whereas some had lifelong plan in their head... and a suitcase-cart full of possessions... i love airports.

flying:
is horrid. i hated it... i felt like i was confined, i felt like i needed to run. my longest flight was 12hrs and 20 minutes... i sat in a aisle seat... with a screaming 2yr old just to my left. the other flights (while quieter) were just stuffy, i felt like i was breathing fake air... it was a very suffocating experience, to say the least.

leaving:
wasn't too bad. that last night with the group was easily one of the best to date. we've grown so close over the last few months.. it was hard knowing that i was leaving that safety net, but at least i went out with a bang... (literally, Independence day) from smoking cigars with caleb and seth... to watching anna and ryan try to light themselves up with fireworks... it was nice.

andrew:
is an incredible man of God
is patient, yet strong-willed
is seeking God's will before all else
is becoming a lot more than a crush
is adorable, but humble
has his moments...

as the first post since the week of 'meeting' seth,
i have quite a few things i want to remember.
although... im sure it would be quite hard to forget

i want to remember, staying out so late that we went for breakfast, and lying under braveheart rock. i want to remember traipsing around base with him, learning about his life... where he works, sleeps, and finds solace. i want to remember him hugging me tighter than i've ever been held, and feeling vulnerable yet incredibly safe. i want to remember lying on the golf course... and getting 'eaten' by grass at lambs lake. i want to remember falling asleep on the hood of camry... and waking up to the sunrise in his front seat... i dont want to forget any of that week.

i dont want to forget our conversation about when he would propose... "it will be at least a year.. my dad says you have to be able to see a girl in evry season first"... or how long until i was okay with having a baby. definitely not forgetting our plans to backpack across italy, and save the prostitutes in russia. i dont want to forget when i cried in zaxbys parking lot, and he wiped my tears, "if it wasnt worth the wait, then it wouldnt be this hard", he said. ill never get rid of his sweatshirt.. which is currently being used as my pillow... gunshot holes and all.

i dont want to forget any of this,
but i cant wait to make more memories with this boy.


... more about ywam to come
im drifting to sleep
dreaming

I have no clue what to blog about.. i've been thinking about it for a few hours. I think the blog might have to take a break for awhile. I might actually replace it. Instead of just posting nonsense in nowhere – I think i'll post some kind of sense to Andrew... I know I need to take time when I write him back. I don't want to put half of my effort in here.. and half in there, and then have two dissatisfied readers. I'm trying to put myself into everything I do, all of myself.

So sick of this plane

I will keep posting here,
and i'll still be around facebook
don't worry about it...

I just, wanted to say I wouldn't post as much
because as I sit here with his holy military-issued jacket across my lap
I really... I just... I want this andrew thing to work
I really, really like this boy


and I want to be genuinely transparent
and then he can choose... I did warn him
I'm kind of – spastic.

i have this fear that if i talk about it,
it will disappear... - vanish

i had bro-time last night
i kind of liked it..
a lot

im about to start packing, again.
i've started packing 4 times

community is a good thing

i fought this community for a long time.. but now that ive settled in - its not so bad. i've seen caleb at least once a day, everyday, for the past 3 weeks. i love my guys... i love my anna. it's dissapointing to know that i've missed out on this for that last.. idk, year? of my life.

love God, love people



i need a swimsuit,
i need to decide about taking my board,
and i need to learn about airports.