i will post.
i need to post.
i promise.
i will tonight.

grr.



edit://
okay so maybe i'll sleep instead.

meaningless meaningless
says the teacher
utter meaningless
everything is meaningless

is too light for my liking.
i dont post because its too bright,
im going to have to darken it up a bit.

forward
.....
recently i plugged myself back into xanga,
updated the page and a few posts,
fasted for a day and half...


then i came to a realization.


xanga post
.....

i think that because i dont really talk to my 'friends' - about real issues.... and because even with the people who know me fairly well, i dont really open up. well, i think that's the reason i crave being here soo much...

its not just about the food... it's not about you guys helping me lose. i can get over the physical part myself, it's the mind games that pull me down. my mind draws me here to type, it feeds on the encouragement.

and it's not about the blog, its not about about putting thoughts out there. it's about the community of people who always come around to encourage. i miss that, i miss talking to you guys and connecting on that psycho level. that deeper, shallow level.. the one where our friends just dont go

i think i lack emotional intimacy.

dont get me wrong, im not saying that my friends and mentors dont try to help... im just saying, its not the same.. i hypothesize that my mind just works differently. and i dont mean "it's not the same because they're against me and ya'll arent" even when you guys are telling me i can "recover" and that i "shouldn't be here"

it's just... different.





so yeah.
.....

i decided my attraction to xanga is not about food.


.....
el fin.

my father is making my little brothers cut their hair off
he's said this a hundred times.. but i think he might mean it

they are quite upset... they love their hair
and so does basically everyone else
except for me father of course

well, it's their hair
and it's not hurting anyone
so whats the big deal?

we got our score sheets...
they have lots of comments.
lots of comments from judges
- who hadnt read the rule book
but comments nonetheless.

ensemble was all positive,
choir was constructive stuff,
and photo was just sucky.

it was my fault
i shouldn't have lied
i should have known better
i should have just confessed
i should have ended it before it started
i should have just told kyle no
i should be more responsible
i should have thought first

but just the thought of having someone..
and then knowing that it would work both ways


i shouldn't gone with trey,
i should have sensed a set up.

wait, i did.
and i went
anyway.

it seems like everyone wants this to happen,
but my parents would die first..

he says he'll wait until im out from under them.
but i dont know if i want him to wait...
i dont think i do.


im sixteen,
im only sixteen.
this can wait.

why the crap is lying a reflex?

and why did i have to go screw this up too?

i wish my father weren't so... himself.

its a happy layout.
with a super cool name.

i, am made of awesome.

so i realllyyy want to go.
but what if i dont like it?
what if im not as smart as i hope..
and what if i fail my classes?
what if i cant handle the structure?

*thinks*

i guess, i can give it try...

what if i love it?

but ive got some time,

since my dad wont let me leave.
because i argued w/ him.
i won the argument,
but unfortunately it had a price;

my coffee. :|




church was amazing wednesday night.
but one thing i didn't enjoy is the fact that people change when god-stuff stuff occurs. people i really dont like touching me... at all, had they're hands all over and around me... i guess it's permissible, but still...


work is going good, i like getting paid the best. it's kinda boring at times... but i can get over that for now. ron says that when we get the new worship leader - my job will probably be over. i find myself constantly hoping that happens soon. i really do like it.. its just, im getting bored of office stuff, and music... and attendance sheets. i want to do something less monotonous. but this is cool for now.


i called Chris the other day... by accident, but on purpose too ya know? he's pretty cool. kinda hard to cover my tracks if my parents ever my cell bill, but i figure i can play it off as i guy i know in TX... which is true. of course... they might think that i mean "a guy a met on choir tour in TX". but i cant help that.


i want to take piano lessons so bad. i want to learn. i also want to take drum lessons... but i dont have the cash... i told my dad saturday if he didnt contact someone else this week regarding piano - then i was going to ask Trey. he hasn't yet... but i dont really want to ask trey. *sigh* i might just go buy a theory book.



i miss the moores, allot.
ive got chai on the stove, it smells amazing.
ive decided not to buy anything. until i purchase that mac.
i like the letters in my name.

come on, you know it's cool.

fine arts.

1) my entries*
<> digital photography
<> large vocal ensemble
<> youth choir


*minus dropped entries
<> keyboard solo
<> t-shirt design


2) photo: Zip
i spent and over an hour at michelle's house taking pictures of her kid... which were all adddooorrrable, but alas, i didnt have the time of patience to edit them so i ended up going with a picture of cohen... it's a great photo, but it just didnt measure up. *shrug* i'm kinda disappointed.


and as it turns out, cohen entered a photo of me.


now, imagine those photos,
only, 20'' x 30''
lol :D


3) ensemble: Merit Award Winner
it was good. not perfect, but good. im glad renee helped us, it turned out better than i expected. amanda decided to go to the movies with elliott instead of practicing with us, so mrs renee told he she couldnt sing the part she wanted... (because she was way flat) so, in the end we only had 4 parts at the end... and 5 would have been amazing... *shrug*

4) youth choir: Merit Award Winner
i thought it would suck, and we got merit... haha :)

i want to post i promise!
but i've been so...
busy.

and when im not busy,
im sleeping.


dangit,
sleeping takes up too much time.
i need to sleep less,
or do less,
or just be more,
productive.

im not doing a solo.
because, i didnt learn it.

ensemble sounds decent,
it'll be good. *reassures self*


i wanted to fast yesterday.
because sundays, are so easy...
16 hours in, and i snapped back to reality,

then skittles. the purple kind.
and a diet dr pepper.


im buying a video camera,
just a minidv.

i want to learn to edit video,
and im gonna start with faf.

yay me.


i woke up and wanted reeses w/ soy milk,
but alas, the brothers had consumed it.


peace.

he's nice.. and sarcastically funny.
and amanda and him will be cute together.
because she finally picked a "good guy".


i think.


we're not talking marriage here...
but for now this is okay.

is amanda's boy.
they will be adorable.
eventually.

csi is my escape.
lame.