theory.

forward
.....
recently i plugged myself back into xanga,
updated the page and a few posts,
fasted for a day and half...


then i came to a realization.


xanga post
.....

i think that because i dont really talk to my 'friends' - about real issues.... and because even with the people who know me fairly well, i dont really open up. well, i think that's the reason i crave being here soo much...

its not just about the food... it's not about you guys helping me lose. i can get over the physical part myself, it's the mind games that pull me down. my mind draws me here to type, it feeds on the encouragement.

and it's not about the blog, its not about about putting thoughts out there. it's about the community of people who always come around to encourage. i miss that, i miss talking to you guys and connecting on that psycho level. that deeper, shallow level.. the one where our friends just dont go

i think i lack emotional intimacy.

dont get me wrong, im not saying that my friends and mentors dont try to help... im just saying, its not the same.. i hypothesize that my mind just works differently. and i dont mean "it's not the same because they're against me and ya'll arent" even when you guys are telling me i can "recover" and that i "shouldn't be here"

it's just... different.





so yeah.
.....

i decided my attraction to xanga is not about food.


.....
el fin.