i deleted all my myspace friends...
instead of deleting the page itself

i also deleted all my messages (597)
and all my comments (1371)

things in my life have changed a lot
just over the past 3 years...

i keep writing blogs when i first wake up
and not remembering writing them
and im not gonna lie, it kind of freaks me out...
something im thinking about was written,
but not remembering writing it?

its like having someone else write my thoughts
eh

yeah sure i kind of wanted to go
i had multiple chances to go
but i didnt

as a a family, we havent taken any time off in a while, and with the beach being closer than anything, my parents are talking about going when school starts; 2 weeks from now. idk, i mean, i enjoy the actual beach part - just not with my family. honestly, and im not saying that because im 'embarrassed' by them or because i dont want to be with my parents. it's just that, taking what is supposed to be a vacation with people like my parental units is difficult. they dont ever seem to leave work behind... between juggling phone calls, remote pc magazine editing, picking up fsbo mags everywhere we stop, and all the while trying to coordinate eating, and spending some time in the water... it usually ends up being a highly stressful event

so hopefully, we wont vacate this year

[sidenote] we are probably moving closer to town
my father alone spent $2000 in gas last month
with four drivers... and two suvs, its bad

which in my opinion is all the more reason not to vacate
:)

icecream,
is amazing

i forgot how much better it tastes,
when i dont throw it up later

:)

as usual, i dont have much to say
but.. i want to say something...

vivanno is okay
im giving up caffeine
and diet soda

i might die

it was my aunts birthday yesterday, but
1) she had to work late, late as in 11pm
2) my uncle forgot... completely

i dont think he's realized it yet
its, sad

i mean, im not one of those people that freaks if someone forgets my birthday... but they've been married for over 10 years, and its not just that he forgot; but lately he's been a jerk... and i mean, if he's being a jerk when im around there's no telling what he's like when im not.

for kristis birthday i took some photos of her children
it was so hard to get those kids to look at the camera
seriously, its not that difficult

im not helping with vbs
every year since i was old enough ive helped
this year, im not

last year i wasnt going to
but someone else signed me up
so ended up having to do it anyway

this year, im not


but its not even vbs... its 'kids blast'
idk what that means, its different


...i dont have anything else to say
gotta go eat breakfast
peace

i cant do this eating thing. im so sick of it. but how do you stop? i mean seriously. its been years... back and forth, forth and back. im sick of dieting. im sick of eating. im sick of food. im sick of laxatives. im sick of xanga. im sick of not being happy in my own skin. i cant do it. i just, i always fail... i lose about 10lbs.. i start feeling good... you know "im on top of the world" and then... i eat, just a bite.. and it all crumbles, all the hard work, all the 'will power'... its gone. in one bite my whole existence is reduced to not gaining weight. gaining weight is the only thing ive cried over recently... and... im sick of hiding. im sick of my parents yelling at me about stupid stuff when they should be mad at me for over dosing on diurectics... speaking of those... im sick of watching the checkout ladies to see which ones most likely to let me buy medication that im not old enough to purchase. im sick of convincing myself i dont need supper... only to find we're 'going out'. and idk how to stop... i know how to gain weight. i know how to act like im better... but i dont know how to stop my first instinct from being to starve... everytime my jeans get tight. im sick of being envious. im sick jealousy... im tired of sin. i know its wrong, and i cant help myself. i cant do it alone. trust me.. ive tried.

babysitting is re-affirming my decision to not have kids

im pretty positive that Christian is a pathological liar
he's in time out now... his 30 minutes will begin soon
as soon as he admits what he did.
i swear... it's not that hard.

laura bell is spoiled, bad
she think that since im the babysitter
she can tell me what to do and when to do it
well her world came to a crashing halt

got to go.
christian got up

coffee again
i felt obligated to blog
so here i am
blogging

but i got an apple instead of bread
so i guess its just 'panera' :)

i generally hate birds
but today, i like to watch them
theyre inquisitive little creatures...
i like them, just not immensely

the soup is good today
i wanted coffee... but i cant do soup and coffee

im here, alone
at panera bread

my brother told jason davis that i was freak and ate alone all the time. so he's texting me begging for me to go to applebees. but im perfectly comfortable here thanks.

there are people here from church.. and they want me to sit with them. seriously? i mean... i came alone, so... i mean. ugh. it'd be different it was like my friends... but its not its just some random people that i dont even know know.

i want to write something
not about me

just something,
i just dont know where to
start

so from now on, just assume im at starbucks when im blogging
pandora radio is amazing.. i have always heard people talking about
but i just tried it out for myself, its awesome :)

the summer is a season full of stone birthdays
which of course entails cake, icecream cake

from this point forward, i dont like cake



i might eliminate sugar from my diet
i think im obsessed with what i eat
just all the time, except when im eating

its like, even though im not dieting
its still on my mind, 79% of the time
i cant handle doing nothing

but honestly i dont think i could do the not eating thing again... my head has gotten control... and even though i might want to stop eating and i want to go back to where i was.... ive tried; i cant. i cant go back. idk when thats going to click. i was talking with a friend the other day... and honestly, shes so naive and easily swayed that i could probably convince her to do it with me, its always easier with support. i almost asked her, i almost spilled. but i decided it would be selfish to pull her into my world, she doesnt deserve this feeling. no one does.

this feeling;
the feeling of... failure. i feel like ive failed in every aspect... everytime i turn around im reminded of unfinished projects, things in my life that were so important at one time or another have just faded away... and that failing feeling might as well be called disappointment... disappointed for failing myself, and disappointing God, and everyone around else around, it seems like everything i do is sub-par...

so when you pile all this together, i feel sad; all the time. and when you feel sad you dont want to spend time with your friends... you dont want to spend 2 hours in youth service. i dont want to go to tuesday night girls sentimental sessions, er i mean bible study.. all the things i used to do because i knew they were good for me have just slowly dropped in my priority list.

i just want to drink my coffee
and today theyre out of my coffee
i cant drink this, this 'italian roast'

i dont know..
im just, im not,
right

i finally did it
i come to you live from a mac

well, actually.. from starbucks,
but same difference i guess

i love it
but i hate it
its frustrating
but its easy

my iphone is up and running
equipped with anything you could possibly need
plus super monkey ball; minus 3g/gps

the server.. the apple server

crashed, in the middle of my update
therefore my phone is unusable

urgh

i cant talk about anything anymore
im no good at this blogging thing
i am a disappointment to blogger
they should delete my account

when im quiet im thinking
generally i dont think while talking
i should probably do that

i like tea, i drink tea when coffee is too much
i like the smell of cigarette smoke
i enjoy sitting still alone

if im with a group i hate being still
i talk about myself because i cant be wrong
if i make a statement about myself you cant say
'no youre wrong'

i have tanlines

starbucks again
if i dont buy food then i can afford coffee

i forgot my book.. but its just as well. i can barely focus on my computer much less get lost in don millers world... the coffee isnt as strong today. coffee makes me lose my appetite.

you know.. i created this coffee habit. i made myself drink coffee. im the reason i drink it.. i didnt just start downing pots of the stuff because i loved it... i made myself love it. and i dont have a reason.. i mean, i suppose at first it was because i wanted to be different, people's habits and addictions tend to define them, i wanted to define myself before someone or something did it for me.

there arent many things that i like, because i like them
i like things because i like liking things


chelsea broke up with david... for aaron
parker was in town and lizzie has her hopes up
amanda is acting more mature than usual


starbucks is loud tonight
i need advil to go with this

a whole press
thats allot of coffee kids


hopefully if i sit here long enough i'll have something to say
as of late, im boycotting periods.. as in the dot "."
in fact.. im pretty much down to commas and ...
unless in a paragraph of course

i skipped lunch to hang out by myself at starbucks
its okay though.. my friends will get over it


theres only a few other people here alone
one younger guy all dressed up.. reading
two middle aged men typing away on their ibm's

and then, me
wearing a dress and jeans
drinking sumatra

its a little too bold for the day
but, i dont really love anything else
any help grant?


half of me wants someone i know to come in.. to give me someone to talk to, something to keep my mind off my current alone state. i like the rings around my coffee cup.. they look like little mountains along the shore of a dark, bold, lake. i wish i had my slr, but here's a cellular shot.



[insert photo here]

(okay so maybe later)


younger guy keeps moving, not sure what hes trying to accomplish
he's probably just uncomfortable. i dont blame him..
i dont know much about coffee.. but the bottom of my cup is, dark

im sitting here at panera by myself
today is independence day
theres a family reunion not far away
short one stone, fortunately

people are staring
shooting me sympathetic looks
and then when i look up, they smile
its sad that sitting at lunch alone is pitied
i just want to eat my soup

i dont have to work today
one more shift.. sunday 7-close
im split, as far as wanting to quit

i need to quit.. but i dont like the fact that my main motivation for leaving my job is my diet. i cant handle being around that icecream all the time, ive got to quit. but how do you explain that to your co-workers? i mean, they already think im a freak..
they love me sure but still.

a teenage boy just asked if i wanted him to refill my coffee
he's new, his coworkers are trying to hide looks of anticipation
their trick is painfully obvious

i dont like it when people try to refill my coffee - they always mess it up.. and this case is no exception; i gave him a weird look and politely declined. coworkers cant help it.. some are grinning.. but its mostly laughter. he looks confused, and defeated. apparently he didnt know that generally at panera bread the employee doesnt wait on the customer.