retitled

i cant do this eating thing. im so sick of it. but how do you stop? i mean seriously. its been years... back and forth, forth and back. im sick of dieting. im sick of eating. im sick of food. im sick of laxatives. im sick of xanga. im sick of not being happy in my own skin. i cant do it. i just, i always fail... i lose about 10lbs.. i start feeling good... you know "im on top of the world" and then... i eat, just a bite.. and it all crumbles, all the hard work, all the 'will power'... its gone. in one bite my whole existence is reduced to not gaining weight. gaining weight is the only thing ive cried over recently... and... im sick of hiding. im sick of my parents yelling at me about stupid stuff when they should be mad at me for over dosing on diurectics... speaking of those... im sick of watching the checkout ladies to see which ones most likely to let me buy medication that im not old enough to purchase. im sick of convincing myself i dont need supper... only to find we're 'going out'. and idk how to stop... i know how to gain weight. i know how to act like im better... but i dont know how to stop my first instinct from being to starve... everytime my jeans get tight. im sick of being envious. im sick jealousy... im tired of sin. i know its wrong, and i cant help myself. i cant do it alone. trust me.. ive tried.