words

so from now on, just assume im at starbucks when im blogging
pandora radio is amazing.. i have always heard people talking about
but i just tried it out for myself, its awesome :)

the summer is a season full of stone birthdays
which of course entails cake, icecream cake

from this point forward, i dont like cake



i might eliminate sugar from my diet
i think im obsessed with what i eat
just all the time, except when im eating

its like, even though im not dieting
its still on my mind, 79% of the time
i cant handle doing nothing

but honestly i dont think i could do the not eating thing again... my head has gotten control... and even though i might want to stop eating and i want to go back to where i was.... ive tried; i cant. i cant go back. idk when thats going to click. i was talking with a friend the other day... and honestly, shes so naive and easily swayed that i could probably convince her to do it with me, its always easier with support. i almost asked her, i almost spilled. but i decided it would be selfish to pull her into my world, she doesnt deserve this feeling. no one does.

this feeling;
the feeling of... failure. i feel like ive failed in every aspect... everytime i turn around im reminded of unfinished projects, things in my life that were so important at one time or another have just faded away... and that failing feeling might as well be called disappointment... disappointed for failing myself, and disappointing God, and everyone around else around, it seems like everything i do is sub-par...

so when you pile all this together, i feel sad; all the time. and when you feel sad you dont want to spend time with your friends... you dont want to spend 2 hours in youth service. i dont want to go to tuesday night girls sentimental sessions, er i mean bible study.. all the things i used to do because i knew they were good for me have just slowly dropped in my priority list.

i just want to drink my coffee
and today theyre out of my coffee
i cant drink this, this 'italian roast'

i dont know..
im just, im not,
right