im not afraid of hurting myself.
but sometimes at night and im lying in bed
my hand over my heart, feeling its uneven rhythm.
i am afraid of surviving a heart attack. . .
and my parents being angry.

because i brought it on myself.

i like knowing that people care about me.
but i hate knowing that im worrying people.
so it makes me want to stop telling them anything.
that way i wont worry anybody.

am i making sense?

even when im happy, im not all that happy.
im too cynical for my own good.

im not insane, im just myself.

(read the post below - first.)

*michelle -
this is an obvious... we talk and laugh and stay up too late...
and yeah, she's just awesome. duh.

peppermint tea -
uhm, yeah, it makes me feel refreshingly clean. :)

solitude -
ive fallen in like with it..
to a point where some see it as unhealthy.
i love my friends, and church.
but sometimes, allot of the time..
i just gotta get out.

*jaymo -
he's awesome as well...
and even though i usually dont...
i know i can talk to him.

starbucks -
coffee is my love.
duh.


okay... i think i'm finished. :)
i enjoy the little things in life...
so if i were to name them all
- it would be quite time consuming.

*these two i have trouble writing about..
my like for them is such that i cannot put it into words.

all my posts are depressing. sooo this is a positive post.

sarah -
sarah makes me happy - she's had such a major change of heart lately, her life has been turned around and now she loves jesus. i'm so excited for what he's going to do with life and testimony.

annafo -
she just makes me smile.. sometimes i dread talking to her... 'cause it's like why even talk to her when you know you're not going to see her? idk.. but even talking to her on the phone makes me smile, she's so random and fo-ish. *smile*

autumn -
cool autumn mornings and walking outside, feeling the warm sunshine on my face, the cool breeze sending chills through my body. the sky so blue i feel like i could just fly away to it in a second. i can sit down in the grass and drink my coffee, think about everything thats going on, and not be afraid of my future. i cherish moments like that in my daily life when im at peace with myself and
everything going on around me.

kyle -
now, its not what you think.. i can't like him. he's twenty loves! twenty. and it would never work. but yeah, hes on the list because he makes me smile. :) the stupid late-night conversations about nothing at all. starbucks in the middle of the day - just because.
etc.

i've got more.. but i gotta go, i'll write more later, *smile*

i figured, why not? you know what the hay?
what have i got to lose?

well apparently allot.
so - i told ttrey:


i think i'm going to take you up on your offer...
oh really? great. :)
yeah... i just have to talk to my parents...
okay, well, i guess i'll talk to you soon then.
okay...


so i get home, and i tell my parents the horrible thing i'd done..

i'd mentioned it to my Mom..
but the only thing i've said to my father
all week is "fine" "yes sir" and "no sir"

my dad said no.


great kaylin, why did you go and do that?
- now i'm gonna look like the bad guy

*awkward pause*

why did you say that??
idk... it was something i wanted to do.
i told him i'd have to talk to you.
that doesn't matter,
do you understand how you made me look?
like the bad guy!!
but, you are the bad guy.

*pause*

soo, how was church?
fine.
3rd service?
fine.
attendance good?
it was fine.

*goes to room*


whatever.. i guess it wasn't meant to be.
it's not my fault he and trey have issues.
i mean, idk...

trey's not my first choice either.
but i've got to do something.
i think im going to get some self-teach books.

tesh said today...

new researchers have discovered that
sleep deprivation leads to heightened emotional levels.

by not getting enough sleep -
your brain does not function less...
as was previously assumed.

instead, the levels in your emotional center -
concentrated around the area which leads to depression
- are significantly raised - up to 60%

uh huh.. figures.

great.

makes me happy.
it does.

and i blogg, - usually, when i'm upset.
or bored...

but yeah, weird huh?
im on worship team tomorrow.
but i got anna to sub for me.
i'm sure i'm sick or something.
not.

but yeah - i cant do it.

#1 - im too 'healthy'
#2 - i cant sing
#3 - you cant hear me anyway
#4 - annas better... :)
#5 - im too scared

5 reasons... thats allot. *nods*

i sick of being sad all the time.
i use the word 'sad' because 'melancholy' has lost it's meaning.
i've used 'melancholy' in too many jokes.

'sad'

yess. i'm sad. and i don't know why.

is pj's birthday.

Happy Birthday Pastor Jason!

he's getting old...
but hes pretty rad.
i like him. a little bit...

*smile*

sooo...

pretend your piano teacher can't teach you anymore...
okay. now pretend that you still want to play...
and ultimately need another teacher.
then - pretend another pianist... who happens to be quite good.
offers to give you lessons - "no strings attached" "no recitals" etc.

but here's the catch - you don't really like this person.
well.... it's not as much as it is you dont like them
- as it is, they just kinda creep you out... ya know?


so, free lessons...
to take or not to take.

hmm, he said think about it.

one of the things that really gets me..
is my parents.

i mean, i've been purging half of
what i eat for the past week or so.
and they haven't even taken note.

i sliced up my arm.
and they didn't notice.
&& etc.

now, don't take this the wrong way.
i don't want the attention...
that's not what i'm after.

but this just occurred to me ya know?
am i that good at this game?
or would they care if they knew?


its weird.
&& i lie too much.

theres a bond you make
when you tell a secret.

when you let someone in.
a bond that works two ways.
a common ground.

a fragile bond.
the harder it is to make...
the easier it is to break.


me and pt talked for a few hours last night....
outside his house ... in the dark. it was good though.
he tells me so much. and he's always like

okay, i'll level with ya... i can talk to you.

it started w/ just youth stuff..
then frustrating youth pastor stuff.
then the whole how-do-you-reach-this-kid deal.
spiritual highs... and lows... etc.etc.etc...
and then..

i need to lose some weight kaylin.

yeah.. me too.

*chuckle* no, you don't.

uhm.. seriously yeah - i do.

now... don't do that, dont start it...
you don't want to get into it. *trust me look*

you don't know a whole lot about me pastor tripp...


i told him a little bit about my eating habits...
just enough to say "ive got freaking issues."
and then he spilled.. really, i mean,
he started talking about his depression...
and he just kept talking about all sorts of crap
he'd gone through. by the end both our eyes were wet,
and it was almost 1am.

kaylin, ive just let you inside.

and an understanding nod was exchanged...

lately i've found a balance.

- maintaining control
- whilst maintaining weight.

method: purging.


i know it's terrible.
and it's starting to affect me.
my body's screwed up.
my throat hurts all the time.
and i'm not sleeping again.




i went with my friends to red lobster tonight...
i had to come home right after... 'cause i was dying.
and i kept gagging and throwing up a little in my mouth.
even though i had given myself permission to eat...

what kind of control is that?

g a m e o v e r.

so i totally checked my facebook/myspace/xanga...
AND my blogg during the 3rd service.


jason davis sitting right there - haha.
i'm so secretive i don't have to be secretive.


i do wonder if he caught the url though... hmm


i feel_ likenotdoingnursery.

when i go into restaurants..
or gas stations, walmart...
a few times at church...
and lots of other random places
i leave my blog address.
i like to read secrets.
everybody does...

why do you think postsecret's such a hit?
- people like to know the dirt on others..
so their own dirt looks cleaner.

i hope my thoughts make sense to people...
my url changes so often i'm not really
worried about someone 'finding' me....

but one day.. i secretly hope my blog address gets to someone i know.
so then, they in turn - can tell the whole world what i fake i am.
so the whole world can feel better about their own masks.
---

256am - *gets text*

257am - finds out; chelsea and david broke up.

258am - tries to console via text.

259am - kinda succeeds.

300am - agrees to spend the night tomorrow

301am - posts blogg.

302am - tries to sleep.


*sigh*

ps - if you're reading this.
don't tell anyone.
or say anything to her.
thanks. :)

it rained.
i'm going to take a walk.

maybe...

i feel_ down.


edit://

i took my walk - w/ Codi.
do you know how tough it was?
that dogg is a monster.
and he growled at the cute boy.
i had to hang on for dear life.

so i guess he served his purpose.


i feel_ overpowered.

it does.

so i'm in my room.
drowning out the world.
i did some history today.

chelsea got put on imitrex.
lizzie's already on it.
i dont want to go on meds.
i wish i could feel their pain..
so i knew how to judge mine.
i dont want to be a wuss.

i worry about lizzie... often.
*sigh*



i told pt i wanted to understand people..
he smiled - "you're what... 16?"


yeah... i see his point.

kaylin... the twinkle has disappeared from your eyes...
-pt


...i didn't know there was one.
i'm sad.

kaylin, now that you've fallen for tea
- you should move on to black, bold coffee.

but... that's what i drank before i started this tea-kick.

oh, well that's cool too - i guess... really? black?

uhm, yeah - no better way.

man, that stuff brings out the writer in you.

i'm not a writer, i don't write.

everyone. is a writer.



but yeah, no, i don't think everyone's an actual writer... in fact,
i could probably give you several people who i know, can not write.
but it was still a good line. grant's pretty rad... we really relate allot.
he can tell me my thoughts - on occasion. :)

i love the piano. i miss it.
i just, i just want to be great. for myself.
but i dont think i'll ever be good enough for me.
so unless... i'm just trying to appease people..
what's the point?

i know what the point is...
i know most of the answers to my questions.
maybe i just don't like the answers...

i feel_ detached.

i cant do this thing anymore...
whatever it is.
i wish i knew what i was doing wrong...
so i could fix it.
but honestly i dont.
and im sorry.

im sorry for whatever i did.
im sorry im such a failure.
im sorry im having a pity party.
im sorry.

and i dont know what to do...

whenever i apologize.. i just get the same freaking answer.
"yeah whatever - go to your room"
and if i'm just serving as a scapegoat.
then i guess ill just have to deal.

and pj...
im sorry for the sfx.
they've been such a bust.
and i know its my fault.
i'm the freakin example.

and michelle...
i'm sorry for being insensitive.
i didn't even think about it..
and i know we kinda joked around...
but im sorry.



and i'm sorry for cutting myself and lying.
even though i know you can see right through me.





oh, and yeah - im sorry for breaking the podium.

i'll write more later...
i feel_ empty.

amazing news...!!

this. is. my...

100th post!!!


*smile*

i think a url change is in order...
annndd.. a headline...
possibly - a layout.

*excited face*

sooo any ideas?

i feel_ accomplished and excited.

i was thinking about this convo today...
and i realized i never posted about it.
...so now i am. :)


i can't ride w/ kyle.
which i suppose is understandable.

you know, whatever... i've just gotten used to ignoring the fact that it's my parents opinion and just taking it as law... because they don't listen to my opinion. so what's the point in trying to debate anything?

anyway. that's fine... but what's not fine is they treat me like i'm some horrible screwed up kid. like i've broken every rule they've ever given... etc. they don't trust me. i mean they do... some.

my dad was like,

uhm no you can't ride with a teenage guy.
i don't want you to end up pregnant.

and he was totally serious.
and then when i got ticked and went to my room he calls me back in there - realizing his freakin mistake and tried to dig himself out

come on kaylin... i... i... i didn't mean it...

yeah, whatever.
that's worse than when pj asked me if i was doing drugs.

and yeah - i know i'm "not above it" annd i don't think that i'm better than anybody or anything like that... i just want a little credit for any of the choices i've made in the last 16 years.


*sigh*

i'm so shallow.




i feel_ misunderstood.

current...

i'd lie - taylor swift
in my arms - plumb
the real me - natalie grant
only a man - jonny lang
does anybody hear her - casting crowns
when did you fall - chris rice
the last night - skillet
beautiful disaster - jon mclaughlin

im in an odd mood.
feelinghorriblebutfloatingandwishingiwasair.


*sigh* i need something...
and idk what it is.


=|



i feel_ sad.

this whole house thing sucks.
completely. sucks.


i feel_ worn out.

i feel bad for all the friends i'm leaving behind
- verity, bekka, and alexandra mostly...
we started out at the same weight - same height - same age.

verity: 5'6'' 84.7lbs pic. pic.
alex: 5'6'' 110lbs pic.
bekka: 5'6'' ??lbs pic. pic.

and then theres me, who's floated in and out of xanga seamlessly.
always being able to locate my friends,
and them always there to welcome me back.


i feel bad for them.. mainly Verity, she worries me, she's got a potassium deficiency, and they want hospitalize her... and then bekka, who's liver is failing, and she's trying to cope with iop.

alex, she's more like me, athletic, and knows when to stop, knows when enough is enough, she got to 105, and now she's pretty stable at 110... she lives in AL... but she doesn't know i know. lol

but me and bekka are closest, she always hated it when i came back... hated it for me, but knew its was my decision, she supported me, stayed up late and talked to me. etc... i love that chick. :)

now, -- it's true, that these people i'm talking about, might not even exist... but on the other hand, i've read enough, and over the years gotten to know them. so to me, they do exist. and they're hurting, in pain... reaching out for something they can't find.



i feel_ hmmm...?

i feel like crying all the time.
and i hate it.
and i don't even know why.
and don't say its a teenage thing.



i got roped into the christmas thing....
i knew i would eventually.
ha.


i feel_ melancholy.

i felt that i needed to blog...





i feel_ fully empty.

whenever i get a package of plain m&ms, i make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
to this end, i hold m&m duels.

taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, i apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. that is the "loser," and i eat the inferior one immediately.
the winner gets to go another round.

i have found that, in general, the brown and red m&ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. i have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

occasionally i will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. in this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

when i reach the end of the pack, i am left with one m&m, the strongest of the herd. since it would make no sense to eat this one as well,
i pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.,
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A.

along with a 3x5 card reading,
"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

this week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain m&ms. i consider this "grant money." i have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. from a field of hundreds,
we will discover the true champion.


there can only be one.

.....haha, i crack myself up sometimes. :)
if only my thoughts were really this interesting.....
i need a life.





i feel_ amusing.

it's october.

woo hoo.



but i do love fall.... :)
ahhh.


i feel_ facetious.