long time no type.

definitely a little behind on my post-a-day goal, loi.


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ok, so i feel like i need to apologize, I haven't gotten much of anything done lately - i mean besides the norm. i feel like i could have been doing so much more, especially music-wise. i have no motivation, i enjoy playing what i know - but i don' t like learning the new stuff anymore, its become more of a i'll-do-it-later thing rather than at the top of my to-do list.

and it sucks.

because i cant play new stuff w/out learning it... and that means when i sit down at the piano, all i have is the same old stuff. i used to be able to sit down for 10 minutes and learn 7 pages. now i can barely handle scales everyday.

who do i apologize to though? pj? i think he might laugh at me.

ugh, i guess i should pray for discipline.

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so God's had allot to say lately.

first off, i hate going to the altar, i absolutely cannot stand it.

and i really don't know why. i just get this sudden urge to grit my teeth and dig my heels into the carpet when they call the youth up.

ok, so Sunday we had a good sermon, Pastor Collins talked about "dangerous worship" it was interesting. anyway, during the altar call, standing in front of my pew i started to pray. and i tried to block everything out, but i couldn't think straight. I gritted my teeth, and fought back tears, I hate that feeling. Then suddenly that all too familiar voice came in "be still my child" - i love those words, they washed over me and my head cleared. i stood there just listening; perfectly still, hands clasped. for what seemed like forever - but in reality just a few moments. then came the real stuff. "kaylin, you say you want fire, you ask for a change - a mighty move of me in your life, the lives around you. and yet you fear worshiping me in my altars"

well that hit me like a ton of bricks.

idk what to do, i cry thinking about it...


*looks at clock*

2:24a

i'd better get off.
good night.

.peace.

sorry no entries... haven't had much to talk about.

i joined choir tonight... finally convinced my parents, loi

idk if i'll be ready for faf - in any category.

tired... 'night.

.peace.

ahh, to tired to blog... maybe i'll read a little.

*best radio personality voice*

however if you want to know more about me and my issues i would refer you to my fears entry, one of my many not eating posts, also my "God is love" post is good, oh and who could forget the logans fiasco.

*end of voice*

'night.

:>kaylin<:

omgsh, so before i talked to pk Sunday, i was standing in shavers hall, and i saw Kelly Calloway. i hadn't talked to her in awhile so i went over and said "hey Kelly, how are you?" and she was like "hey girl, what have you been up to?" and i was like"hmm, not allot you?" and she she said "hey, let me ask you a question" and she leaned over and whispered in my ear "do you like kyle?"

my stomach dropped.

i was like, "uhm no" and she was like "Kaylin, this is me you're talking to" and i was "Kelly i know, and i don't like him" and she was like you don't even think he's cute?" and i was like "sure i do, but i don't like him"

i couldn't convince her.

she still doesn't believe me....

but i don't, i don't why she would even think that.

so i asked her, and she was like "Ive heard" and i was like "from who???" and she was like "people."

ahg, she wouldn't tell me. i asked all my friends, and they were astonished..... except for Chelsea, who was like "omgsh!!!!! Kaylin you do!!!!!" i gave her a classic "sarcastic Kaylin look" and she shut up.

idk, i don't like him, but this ruins all my chances of taking drum lessons. *sigh*

so sunday pk and mrs amy had their going-away-thing.

i went in there perfectly fine, i knew they were leaving... but i guess it hadn't really hit me yet.

anyway, there was a super long line to talk to them so i just waited til everyone had finished and i walked up to them and i said "i wanted to be the last one" and pastor kevin put his arm around me and i looked up at him and he said "im going to miss you kaylin, God's got great plans for you, and i cant wait to see what they are" and then he cupped my face with his hands and his eyes started to water, and he said "im gonna miss that smile of yours" and at that, i couldn't take it, i was like "pastor kevin, don't do that" and my eyes started to water, oh it was awful, i was like i am not going to cry for the 9748572475 time today.

so i put my arms around his neck, and gave him a hug, and then stepped back, and he said "i love you kaylin" and i said "i love you too pastor kevin"

and that was it, now i wont see them for 4 months.

i hadn't planned on it effecting me like that... i mean i love pk to death, but i guess i didn't know that our relationship had grown to that. i don't cry allot. but when i stepped back and took a look at the past few months, i realized how close we had gotten.

i'm gonna miss him.

.peace.

.:kaylin:.

so i know this person....

and she frustrates me soo often.

because she is so beautiful, and wonderful and ahg! i just wanna grab her and knock some sense into her. she's one of my favorite people, she inspires me, makes me want to achieve my goals.

she's always trying to be positive and speak blessings over other people... but she can be so negative about her own situations. always talking down to herself.... urgh, well you know what? i don't receive any of that for her. =P

she's got one of the most amazing voices I've ever heard, all my friends gush over her. in fact a couple of Sundays ago she was in the choir, and we were all looking up there waiting on church to start, and i said to Amanda "she's so beautiful" and Amanda was like "yeah, sometimes she makes me jealous" and Lizzie said "who are you guys talkingg about?" and i was like "guess." and she said "omgsh, i know, i wish i had her voice" and Chelsea was like "yep, Mrs Michelle is amazing"

we didn't even say her name we knew who it was.

ahg, i love her so much.

.peace.

mk, so i read mrs. michelle's post.

i decided i needed to post as well.

*yawn* my internal clock is messed up, i didn't wake up till 11! and the odd thing is; no one else tried to get me up.

so i was thinking about routines, i get into a routine fairly easily. not a daily schedule - that would kinda hard considering my life, but weekly - sure. like today for instance. i woke up, thought ::today is friday:: and automatically walked into the kitchen, poured some coffee, got my special k and checked all my emails and my myspace. now i'll probably do some schoolwork, play a little piano, an then who knows.

but it's hard for me to get into a God routine. i get my stuff done daily, but it tend to treat praying and reading the bible as a chore, putting it off over and over again. i don't like starting the day off w/ it, i know its something i should do, but i dont. in fact i usually pray in the shower, then read and write in my 'God journal' right before bed. i'm a multi-tasker, not a uni-tasker. on one hand i know i shouldn't stick God in the same box w/ my shower - that he should get his own slot. but that's part of my routine, and i don't want change it.

in other news - i finished a new book last night, pj let me borrow it "chasing francis" by Ian Morgan Cron, great book, it sucked me in. in fact i started it yesterday at about 2am, and then slept a little and then read the rest throughout the day. great book.

ensemble decided yesterday that we're singing "never alone" - BarlowGirl, for faf.

should be interesting.

i had a lesson yesterday, and i think i finally convinced pj that i cannot sight-read, not kidding. i just can't do it. he sent me home w/ some hymns to practice w/. ugh.

watched the moore boys last night, i love them. i can be having the worst day and Caden will climb up in my lap and look up at me and whisper "i love you" in his cutest, sweetest little tone, and i melt. its a good thing he doesn't mis-behave, or we'd have some trouble, there's no way i could discipline him. loi

i changed "lol" to "loi" because i dont really Laugh Out Loud, i just Laugh On the Inside.

anyways.

.peace.joy.love.

.:kaylin:.

i have a friend who's hurting.

and idk how to help.

i cant tell anyone her situation. family/church related.

and she wont either, idk know what to do for her, i want to wrap her up and bring her home and give her chocolate. but i cant. i hate this, this, urgh i cant even think of the right word. she didn't do anything, and she's caught in the middle. i hate looking into her beautiful tear-filled eyes and not knowing what to say. i hate it.

this whole thing could very well blow over and be a-ok. or it could ruin allot of things, relationships, leadership, allot would change, i guess it just shows how one action by one person can affect the whole body.

God give me the empathetic grace and wisdom be there for her.

so i want a solo.

that's so not something i would usually say, but it's so weird 'cause like i love the song that we're singing, and i wanted to suggest it - but i didn't 'cause i knew i would want a solo, and then i would probably end up asking for one, so i just kept my mouth shut...

so then i go into ensemble on Thursday... and they're playing it!! hmm.

but Cro sounds so good, i love hearing her sing.

I wish I had a more even voice, mine only has 2 settings - all of it or none of it.

both have their own pros and cons.

none of it
quiet, sweet breathy sound
it works great for worship, just loud enough for me to hear.
but no one else can hear me.

all of it
loud, almost-obnoxious-but-not-quite sound
great for choir
liable to crack during solo/higher note

.peace.

.:kaylin:.

cleaned the house.

got yelled at.

tired.

.peace.

Ok, I know my parents love me. And I understand that "some people have a hard time showing love, to the people they love the most". But I just wish, idk. For once I want my parents approve of me, to show some inkling of satisfaction. I'm never good enough, always one step behind. Sure, they get on a temporary high when I memorize and quote chapters of the bible.... or a random 24 character network key, but it never seems to last. I've gotten to where I don't even talk to them unless they need me to do something or I need a ride.

They're always bragging about me to other people, but I wonder if they really mean the things they're saying.... or just trying to make themselves look good. I never actually hear the words said to me. I don't want other people to know what I can do, I don't care what they think. All that matters is the recognition from the people closest to me.

But now that I think about it, at this point, no one related to me falls into the "closest" category.

It's not like I've got bad parents, I think maybe if I weren't so, idk, me-ish things would be better. Every time I open my mouth I get in trouble. My Dad's constantly telling Cason what a "good kid" he is, and how he wishes that he was as mature as him when he was his age. Always building him up, telling him he can do anything. But I mention something about college and it's like I said I was going to be a lion when I grow up. *sigh* ::lol::

Idk. twisted.

.peace.

[to you anyway]

.kaylin.