i feel like i skipped christmas
can one, skip a holiday like christmas?
just ignore it? like another groundhog day or something..
you know, no one celebrates groundhog day
i dont even know what day it's on

i dont know.. i just feel like there was this massive materialistic build-up, tons of decorations.. so many gifts and busy people, car accidents, traffic, and a whole bunch of stress... all for a less-than-that day... dont get me wrong, im definitely not for the major christmas chaos that typically occurs around here... i just, feel like.. i missed something


?

really? realllyyy?

come on now
we're not old enough to get married
not learn-ed enough

my group needs to be single for a while longer...
i just need them for a few more years...


anna marie
where has your head gone
you work at marble slab
youre in college
you need to get your degree
please, think
think about it?

idk, im really trying to be happy for her
i really am, im supportive of whatever decision you make
i'm behind and i'll try to help and/or be there for you
i just want you to be happy


edit://

they've set the date

august 14th, 2010

at least we've got time.. eh?

three hundred
post number three double zero

where has time gone to, loves?

it seems like yesterday i was at that conference; listening to natalie grant and bawling my eyes out... and now? i just, my mind is quite divided

1/2 of me says no, stop, go back.. slow down! i dont want to grow up, i dont want to be here. i dont want to go to work... i just want to ride my bike and play with my puppy. i want to go back to that day in kids church.. that one time, singing 'crazy' at the top of my lungs with both hands in the air, jumping up and down with all of my friends... only to crash into each other giggling and grinning ear to ear... we werent worried about how our hair looked.. or if john was sitting by jane, no, we just loved jesus, and each other.. and loved life.

im crazy, no mistaken,
my hearts been overtaken
hopelessly, in love with you,
jesus... im crazy!


but the other 1/2 of me says alright now, time to buckle down. get a job, make some cash... buy a car, start some classes, jump right in. get that degree... find a good job, make some money... hurrry up kaylin, date him, fall in love... marry him, have a few kids and love jesus"


regardless, i love jesus
but i mean... time flies
and the fact stands,
that, i cant change it
i cant go back ...memories
but i need to slow down
and smell the coffee


resolutions?
next post maybe... we'll see
scattered

im off... and man...
opening 3 days in a row sucks
especially over the weekend

going to sleep now...
a blog later possibly?

it'll have to be amazing though
on the count of the fact it's number
300

wow

volkswagen cabriolet
bright freaking yellow
rattles your ears off
leaks when it rains


and i love it
absolutely love it

i just got off work
i dont have to go in for 30hrs
woot

sorry for being a butt tonight grant
i was bar for front and drive
(which btw, im getting better at)
but it still kind of... wiggs me out
i just have to focus or i screw it up

gingersnap is nasty

try the peppermint mocha twist,
with half the syrup

or, if you dont like peppermint
then go for the espresso truffle
amazing

sumatra though? good choice
christmas blend is probably better
i just didnt think about it
next time

nonsense.

no way november will see our goodbye
when it comes to december it's obvious why
no one wants to be alone at christmas time

youre looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
well, it takes one to know one, kid, i think you've got it bad
but what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag

we always find ourselves in the deepest corner of the darkest hour
we can't get much louder than this
we always lose our hearts in the strangest places
picking up the pieces we break

can't you see you're leaving me for an ugly girl
does she talk about politics and all the stuff that used to make me sick
does she smoke cigars and stay up late, oh she's so great

cover up with make up in the mirror
tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
you cry alone and then he swears he loves you

meaningfulless

i need a list

mom, for the millionth time
i dont want anything

kaylin, it's not all about you
it's about other people wanting to buy you things
because they love you... and you should let them,
youre being ridiculous

but mom, i dont want anything.. so if they (you) really just wanted to get me a gift because they (you) loved me.. then they (you) would understand that i really, really.. dont want anything. therefore understanding, that not buying me a gift would be a better present than anything youre about to spend money on

whatever kaylin

tonight was good

i love candles
i love guitars
i love the kaples


i knew i should have talked to that boy.. i dont know his story, i dont know where he came from.. but as soon as i walked in i noticed him. i asked amanda hey, do you know him? where's he from? what's his name? but she didnt know and i didnt follow up on it... instead, i went into the other room, grabbed a cup of coffee... and he walked right out the door. but what gets me is, on top of the fact that i didnt even reach out in the first place.. i spent way too long deliberating whether or not to go after him. i had all sorts of excuses. its almost dark, its downtown, hell be back, hes probably just smoking, maybe he had to make a phone call, maybe he just needed some air, etc etc etc

deep breath

i have a feeling i couldnt have handled it anyway
regardless, i should have said something,
i should have offered, a hello
an introduction
anything

and i missed it

grant, youre amazing

for some reason i keep calling him toby... i just can't get keller to stick.
plus, my family insists that his name will forever be tobias... idk.

this is so stupid
its just a name

this might sound terribly weird... but i love the fact that there's another living, breathing, warm body sleeping with me in my bed. dog or not, the feeling and closeness of sleeping beside another is..
no comparison to sleeping alone.

i think im slightly obsessed with this blog
i love going back and just reading old entries
i remember how bad some of this crap hurt
i know how hard it was for me to cope..
with just, life

and i know where i am now
and i understanding my feelings from then
and i am so glad, to be able to come here
and just, remember

some things never change(d)
some people will always be the same
some stories wont ever be told
but mine, is written :)

hmm

im working a grand total of 37.5 hours this week... thank God. it seems like whenever i dont have a lot of hours, or something to keep me busy, i get a lot psycho. i love most of the people i work with.. i like my job... my manager loves me, and my assistant manager is slowly coming around. yet, i feel out of place sometimes.. idk, hopefully it'll get better with time.

i've talked about transferring to bradley park location, apparently there might be a position opening up soon... but idk, i mean, as much as i love simon (the manager), and the store itself, i just dont know if i want to leave my new found people. because, they're just that, my people.

keller is easily the most relaxed, sweetest puppy i've ever had. granted, i've only had him a week, but he's just very easy to adore, and loves everyone. he's not deaf, thank God. and i think i've finally settled on his name. geez, i didnt know i could be that effected by what everyone else thinks... his name must've changed 7 times.

double tall one-pump toffee-nut w/ whip latte

amanda played in her recital tonight... i start lessons next week. im thoroughly stoked. i need to be playing, i know im good at it, i know i have a lot to learn, and i want to be able to play, just to be able to sit down and play through a whole song would be such an accomplishment. such a high.

i have mocha on my arms
and keller's persistently trying to clean it off
how sweet of him

im saturating my thought blog with this dog
trying to push other topics away

keller
because i really did/do think/thought he was deaf... "keller" is a cute name, and when you say it enough it turns into "killer" ...which is quite hilarious.

fritz
because it's an awesome name

tobias
or "toby" my original name, it's cute, yet sophisticated... a little overused, maybe. but idk, it's a decent name. regardless of the fact that there's cute boy i work with named toby.

walter/winston
grant's pick... i dont like it

persecutor of the brethren
"persy" for short
grant 2nd pick, lame

toby, hendrix, stone

my mom was all for it
but my dad, not so much

"how about a kitten?
... or like, a yorkie? maltese?"

something small
hmm

feel's much better
redecorate, move some furniture
change your blog around

it's refreshing

so im jusy going to start typing and see what happens
basically im ticked off at life for stupid, petty, crappy reasons


situation one
i feel like crap... i dont know if im sick, or just tired, or what. and on top of that, ive had this headache for almost 4 days. im considering calling a doctor. i hate the doctor, but if this keeps going on... ugh.

topic 2
i need tears. apparently i dont cry enough, and when i dont cry enough my eyes get really dry, my contacts become brittle.. and then, then, they rip and here i am... in glasses. when i wear glasses i feel like im an observer in someone elses life... i literally take a backseat in perception, its weird

three
john mayer. john freaking mayer. i love him, i love his music... and im not exagerating. unfortunately every song has been tainted by jason davis. jason freaking davis. i cannot listen to john without thinking about jason. i never thought i'd be that girl.. that one teenage basket case that cant move on. it's over kaylin. grow up

for
christmas is extremely soon... it's depressingly soon... i swear im not trying to be cynical and negative... it's just my personality. christmas marks the end of the year, christmas is... a stress-filled holiday, probably the most stressed filled. and i cannot handle it. i cant. i cant handle life, much less life with gift buying and people pleasing and christmas parties and realizing how old i am, and those stupid stupid stupid black dresses that i will end up wearing 4973857693 times during this season

5 (golden rings)
i love Jesus.. i do, i just, i just.. for the life of me i cannot understand him recently.. not that i cant understand what hes doing, and such. it's just that im trying terribly hard to hear him and what im hearing sounds like swedish.. or polish?

se- six
why does every think i slept with jason? for real, you know how many times that's been referenced just, today? i swear... at least once a day. and it's not that they really think that, just the fact that they would sarcastically bring it up is just... just.. retarded

life x seven
the killers, the beatles, and beyonce have kept me sane today
oh, and travis reed

ate (nine)
i complain way to much... in fact, let me complain about how much i complain for a second here.. i know im blessed, i know i live in a great neighborhood, and have transportation, and a good job.. decent friends.. good leadership, and in general im surrounded by a positive atmosphere... and yet, i feel like.. like, sh*t

9
swearing is bad for you
i never swear






i dont know guys.. life is just a pond
im drowning in a pond

and im calling out for help
screaming out for help

screaming out for help
in a blog that no one can read

tomorrow, i turn 17 and half
at 17.5, having been in 1 relationship,
kissed 2 boys, walked over countless friends,
laughed way too much, taken life for granted
eaten too much, and too little
life is... is

i need some sushi
and a cigarette






judd patterson is the light of my life
i cannot be around him and not laugh

the space between work and play
or.. as it seems like as of late, work and work

im drowning in monotonous
monotonous, coffee and campbell's

currently listening to

face down - red jumpsuit apparatus
the killers
pocket full of rocks
if i were a boy - beyonce
coldplay (of course)
the fray
sufjan stevens
always and forever - taylor swift
the beatles
owl city
brandon heath (on occasion)
jack johnson
michael buble
matt kearney
stop and stare - onerepublic
jonny lang


and countless others
i really like music

trying to buy my brothers christmas presents is like pulling teeth... they're so picky. and then, when you finally find something you know they'll like - its $50. i wish i could go back in time when we all went to the dollar store, man, those were the days... and it didnt matter what i got for them, or vice versa. just the fact that we got to buy for each other was fun enough for the 4 of us..

army men were the craze.. maybe a matchbox car...
oh and stickers! the sticker phase was inredible

but as of late they've gotten so..
not materialistic, just, idk.. different
maybe they're just growing up, maybe im getting old

maybe we'll do giftcards

im not sad..
im just not happy

im content
or at least...
im trying to be
i say i am

but i want something
or maybe so

no, no..

i dont,
want,
anything,
persay


idk what's wrong with me you guys
im just... maybe i just need some, sleep?

*deep breath*

im not stressed
im not sick

i dont have too much on my mind
or maybe.. i do?


i cant even think straight
i haven't had any coffee
im not "crashing"

i've been like this
for about.. a week?
or two

*sigh*

im just tired of this monotonous
and yeah, monotonous is now a noun

music...

it's the kind of music that makes you want to sit outside in the rain,
smoking a cigarette, and drinking coffee...

dollar cds :)
target is amazing...

john lennon - the very best of
the beatles - love
the doors - the future starts here
paramore - riot


stoked much?

as negative as i am on here.. i really am a happy person. i like to go for long walks in warm clothes... i like waking up before my alarm, i smile a lot... i know i seem an ungrateful self-concerned snot around these pages, i promise im not. well, at least not all the time.

i woke up yesterday morning determined to have a good day, my assistant manager was back from vacation and i wanted to make her smile (something i had yet to see her do). on arriving to work we both found out that we would be the only ones opening... katy didnt show. long, hectic story short, work was super busy.. but about 6 or 7 things started slowing down.. she told me she was pregnant, and apologized for being "an ass" for my first few weeks... i told her she was fine... it was fine, no worries. apparently she didnt want kids.. and she was really upset about it, plus, her husband just left for iraq... and doesnt know if he'll be back for birth...
which is a lot of stress for a 22yr old...

all of that to say, she did smile. a lot.
and im so glad i didnt dismiss her
as "an ass"



edit:
i started this post for a whole other reason
regardless, happy thanksgiving..
eat, drink, and be merry :)

im not good at speaking and crying at the same time

hours a week
and loving it

new keyboard...
amazing difference

life is good...

i.get.paid.to.work.at.a.place.i.love....

doing.what.i.love.to.do...

my.space.bar.is.sticky...
but.i.can.afford.to.buy.a.new.one


so.life.is.good...

life.is.good

thursday
11.15.2007


on a a "lighter note"...
my week's been quite heavy.

the morning after i sent my last message michelle called and told my parents everything. she even went as far as to print exerts from my blog to give to them. i know she only did it because she was worried, and she cares about me... but she had promised she would tell me, before she told anyone. give me a heads up ya know?

she neglected to do so. which i was a little upset about.
but not much, so far i've held together. i'm not angry at her.

my parents freaked. suddenly their perfect daughter had a flaw, a major one. and not only did she have a problem... but she'd had it for years and they hadn't noticed. of course, the questions were raised "what have we done wrong" and "how could we not have seen?" well ya know what? it's not about them. it's about me - as selfish as that sounds. maybe if they could look at me as a person, and not as "their daughter" it might be easier to relate.

so to keep on with the story, after we met michelle for lunch to "sort everything out" my parents and i had a meeting with my senior pastor... to get his opinion, but also to keep any rumors from spreading... wouldn't want to ruin our image now would we. *eye roll* my parents will never trust me again. But yeah.. then we met with pastor jason... and so on.

tuesday night i had christmas production practice... pj directs, and michelle has the lead. needless to say - it was a fun night... *sarcasm*

i woke up wednesday morning emotionally drained... not from crying my eyes out (like michelle) but rather the opposite. it's quite tough to maintain composure while your world is seemingly being torn apart by people who "love you". i hadn't cried a drop though. i convinced my parents that michelle was totally elaborating and over-reacting, it was just some simple experimentation. you know? all girls have done it.

and they believe me, to a point.

i spent most of wednesday listening to my ipod and ignoring the world. wednesday night i got to church a little early... first person i see is michelle... her whole face swollen and eyes watery.

m: this has been a rough two days
k: huh..? two?
m: have you talked to jason today?
k: no... why? what's going on?
m: nothing
k: liar
m: kaylin, i can't tell you...
i can't believe he hasn't talked to you already

i was so upset, i had all these emotions running around..
but in my spirit i knew what was happening. i had known for awhile.

then i went downstairs, to the youth room. first person i see is my youth pastor. i gave him a "why yes, i am upset" look... so he put arm around me

pt: i know whats wrong with you
but change happens baby girl...
i was worried about you. it's okay
k: what are you talking about?
*his facial expression changed, from sympathy
to "oh-no-she-doesn't-know-yet*
k: *quizzical look*


about this time, youth was starting... we had to get in there. after youth -- which is a whole nother story -- i went upstairs to choir. pastor jason ended early and did announcements... then he got a very serious expression on his face, and the whole room got quiet... and still.

he went on to say he'd felt a change lately... and started praying and really seeking God... he'd been offered and accepted a position in iowa. i mean, he said allot of other stuff, some sappy, reflective, etc. but the whole time he never even looked at me. which is kinda hard to do since i sit on the front row - dead center.

he wouldn't even catch my eye. but I showed no emotion -- i think, having my control mechanism virtually ripped out of my hands the day before, i'd adopted withdrawal as a temporary replacement. as soon as he finished he prayed and dismissed. i put my books up and walked to the door.

michelle caught my arm,
"kaylin.. don't do this. don't shut down."
i pushed past her, said goodnight, and went home.


pj called me this morning, apologizing for not telling me.
yeah... i'm sorry too.

i went up to the church to talk to him today.. but instead i ended up just hanging out and joking around, because kyle (the drummer boy) showed up the same time i did.




i feel so spent.
and i hate food.
and i could keep typing...
but i think you get the jist.

on a lighter note - how're you doing?

...to say
i didnt go to work



i am better, much better
had some food, coffee
good to go

im sick. i have a migraine
here i am, locked in my darkened room,
tear stained, bloodshot eyes, behind too-big sunglasses
no, i cant go to sleep.. because my forehead is pounding...
and ive been puking up watered down excedrin
every half hourr since 12pm

so i call my a manager, explain the situation

"kaylin i need you, we're short handed and busy"
ingrid... im sick. and ive never called out before...
"i know i know.. but we need you. take some medicine
if you take some medicine you'll be alright right?
i dont know ingrid...
"call back at 4 okay?"
i have to be at work at 330
"oh, well, i need you to come in"
alright ingrid
"call me"
i will

click



i dont understand, im sick
and i work directly with customers
who wants someone who looks like death,
to load up and carry out their groceries?

and its not my fault they're short staffed
if they didnt cut hours, and treat their employees like crap
then maybe they, in turn, would not call out so often
and maybe, if when they know theyre going to be busy
they should schedule enough people to work the shift


i tell my mom what ingrid said
my mom gets angry

"what's the worst they can do kaylin, fire you?
youre cleary sick... youre not going to work"


regardless, i want the 8 hours, im trying to save
but i cannot go in.. i would if i could, but i cant
i take pride in the fact that ive never called out of a shift
ive never played "the sick card"

ive always been willing to come in
even for people i know are healthy


so glad my last day is soon

kaylin is cutting her hair off today
all of it.. like 14 inches all of it

edit//

when does really liking something turn into obsession?

there are days when i would rather have a video blog than written. but not one where i would talk to the camera persay.. rather, a tiny robotic camera that captured my thoughts, as well as what i was seeing. and not only what i was seeing, but my perception on it.

sometimes i want people to know what' going on in this head of mine. granted, i wouldnt want that camera attached 24/7... im not that transparent yet.

this past hour ive been sitting in starbucks.
starbucks is full of wonderful people.

forget this diet
im relying on icecream to make me happy

hello?

are we breaking up?

idk

jason, i dont see any reason in being with you if there's
even a question of "maybe we should break up"
you need to make some decisions

well, i guess... i guess, we're calling it as it is
but, we could always get back together
i know its not the social norm, and i know its not likely
but kayl.. we're not a likely couple. we're not the norm

silence

see you tomorrow?

no.. im not going

oh, see you at 'the door'?

i dont think so

okay.. are you alright?

silence

are you going to be alright?

yes

so i really like jason
this could pose a problem

i made my blog private again today
i needed to blog about J and didnt want anyone to read

also, superficial sidenote here
ive gained a significant amount of weight
and i plan on getting rid of it
asap

jason's been offered a job..
an amazing opportunity
he hasnt told anyone

"what would happen to us?"
we would have to break up, i couldnt do it
"yeah.. yeah youre right..."

i just dont know what to do
i cant just do nothing
but theres nothing i can do
nothing to slow things down
no way to go back

i think he should take it
im so happy for him
its what he wants to do

madrid, spain
capital of IMM
international media ministries

he should go for it
i wouldnt want to hold him back
he says he has a lot of praying to do
as do i

3 weeks in,
life is good

im starting to adore this boy
its starting to scare me

i dont want to get hurt
i feel vulnerable, but incredibly comfortable

he kissed me

at church nonetheless

head over heels
and falling fast

are a godsend

he wants a hug
and of course..
hugs arent that big of a deal
or at least, they shouldnt be
i hug people everyday

but, why does this hig mean so much?

idk, idk idk idk

as a friend
i think im going to have to back off
i cant handle this, im too young
im just a kid


grannttttt
i dont want to get married


i need my friends,
and i was stupid to think i could survive without community..

long time no type :)

ive missed talking to you, oh, dear blog of mine... ive got a lot to say, but i dont know where to start... last time i left off i was avoiding my friends... and i still am. uhm, lets just talk randoms...


parentalupdate
probably not separating.. they dont talk to each other much... which means theyre not fighting. which isnt terrible, i suppose. i wish they would talk things out, and i wish they understood each other. i wish my father would try to understand me. when we're in public..
or church, he's so different.. but, that's old news..
couple more years... thats it

jasondavis
i like him, i do, im not going to lie
i just dont know what im going to do about it

amandaparra
we've gotten really close lately... i love her

chrisjudy
is amazing, case closed.

| grantcollins |
you reading again?

patrickreeves
i like him, at least.. im trying to. sarah told me he teaches piano... im going to get my father to talk to him.. i really want to play again, and i want to get to know patrick, but so far...
he's just a really genuinely nice guy

sarahreeves
patricks wife... talked to her for about an hour today.. real nice. very open.. we talk about all sorts of things.. i like her, a lot

lindseyposey
i really dont have any straight facts about this... but, i just hope she doesnt hurt kyle. i have a bad feeling about it.. urgh.
it makes my head hurt

kylecalloway
its his fault if he gets hurt

chelseapitts
wont talk to me either
i dont really blame her

job
either publix or toyrus..
i think

school
sat, october 4th
csu... in the spring
ahhhhh



i dont want to grow up
but im excited about it

basically..
im avoiding them


at first it was just because we were all busy
but now.. idk, i just.. dont want to be around them

today, was a really bad day
no major issues and/or fall outs
just a lot of things piling up
my rooms is clean though

oh the things i get done when im frustrated...

things have kind of... calmed down a bit
i haven't talked to my dad in 3 days

except* ...yesterday, he asked me "what's the matter baby?" i looked at him, appalled, i cant understand how he can just push the issues under the rug... and pretend like we're best buds... it's not fair for him to expect me to just be happy go lucky...
im allowed to be stressed, and tense

"dont call me baby"

then, he left
knowing i wasnt going to give in to him

the whole house is tense
and unusually quiet

in the last three days..
ive eaten a bagel, and a zax salad...
maybe it is my mechanism

what if they do split up?
how weird would that be

i hope they make up their minds soon

"kevin, the point is, our kids are messed up
we've got to do what is best for them"

"kevin, stop being so selfish about this
i understand you can support yourself"

"i will have to find a way to provide a better income"

"ive given you my side of the situation
now, you need to make the final decision"




i seriously dont need to listen through their door
but i mean... i cant help it

im sick of their childish banter
im tired of them not getting along
half of me hopes they'll separate

it doesnt even upset me
and i know, its sad


and yeah, i know i know, im not in their shoes...
ive never been in this situation... etc etc
this is strictly a rant, my day was fan-freaking-tastic

post #251
we had chinese today
my fortune was the best
woo hoo

my eyes, theyre incredibly dry
i went to the eye doctor
he prescribed special drops

he jokingly said i need to cry more
but it got me thinking about it
i cant remember the last time i cried

tears are important
apparently

i dont think ive ever been this upset with one of my friends. seriously... i mean, i've been upset about them, or mad at them, ticked off occasionally... but not like, this frustrated with them

but chelsea, i mean... i cant empathize with her if she's just going to keep dating him. he's a jerk. we've covered that already. hes controlling, jealous, and possessive, oh yeah.. witnessed that.

then why, tell me why, after all her crying,
after her "im never doing this again"

i just dont understand.
she knows shes wrong
she'll probably get hurt
but i cant do it anymore

i guess maybe, hopefully,
she'll learn from her past mistakes, this time.

i talked to patrick today
like sat down and talk to him
i felt guilty for not doing so

he's not bad, a little frazzled
but, it couldve been an off day
it is monday...

it was like...
first he'd just be talking about the lights, or the paint color..
then the next second he'd be all deep and in thought
then he'd break the flow of the conversation to complement me

but, he doesnt really, know me?
it's like, a plagiarized complement


but overall... he's nice

i darkened my hair this morning,
after that, i straightened it
and then it rained... urg


im painting my walls,
ive got it taped off...
just have to pick some colors

ive been puppysitting,
my parents wouldn't let me keep juno
her sister's kinda cute too though...


im addicted to dark raisinets,
and i haven't had coffee in over a month

i kind of want a job...
i need to get out of the house

my mac hard drive failed,
good thing i had a warranty
note to self: buy backup drive

im on tech a lot
i quit going to youth

i never thought i would consider going to another youth group
evangel temple is my church, its where i thought i'd stay

lately im not so sure

two weeks since last post...
ive got to update

im moving..
almost moved
then i'll have time...

is my stomach ache is getting worse...?
when you get sick youre supposed to get better
instead, i now have a killer headache to go with it

my stomach hurts
ive been trying the vegan thing
no animal meat/by-products

at the same time i started that,
i also eliminated coffee, caffeine, and refined sugar
ive been trying to eat anything else in its simplest form
organic when i can... it's expensive

anyway, i've felt great for the last 3 days
but today, my stomach feels horrible

idk


but the coffee thing is messin me up
i mean, every time i pass starbucks,
or walk past the coffee maker
it kills me, lol


summer:
i havent spent time with my friends in forever.. and honestly, yeah sure, i miss them... but ive been enjoying my break. when they're off doing whatever i dont ever feel required to do things i dont want to do. yeah, im starting to miss them... but, im just saying that my summer alone hasnt been half bad. now, if only it wasn't so hot...

babysitting:
i dont think i'll do it again. i love these kids, just not all day. in their defense... i dont think i could handle anyones kids all day all week... oh, and kristi went up to a $100 dollars. 100 dollars just to pick them up from school, give 'em a snack, and make sure they do their homework. like i said, i haven't given her an answer...
but i think its a no.

brusters:
myra said she'd love to have me come back... and she laughed when she heard i was tired of children. its great to have a backup and also, it nice to know that someone likes me. but i dont think i'll be going in that direction. if i can help it anyway. i need to do decide on somewhere else and turn in some applications,
the summer has gone by so fast.

starbucks:
apparently dont want to hire me
id love to work there... but hey,
what can you do, ya know?

i deleted all my myspace friends...
instead of deleting the page itself

i also deleted all my messages (597)
and all my comments (1371)

things in my life have changed a lot
just over the past 3 years...

i keep writing blogs when i first wake up
and not remembering writing them
and im not gonna lie, it kind of freaks me out...
something im thinking about was written,
but not remembering writing it?

its like having someone else write my thoughts
eh

yeah sure i kind of wanted to go
i had multiple chances to go
but i didnt

as a a family, we havent taken any time off in a while, and with the beach being closer than anything, my parents are talking about going when school starts; 2 weeks from now. idk, i mean, i enjoy the actual beach part - just not with my family. honestly, and im not saying that because im 'embarrassed' by them or because i dont want to be with my parents. it's just that, taking what is supposed to be a vacation with people like my parental units is difficult. they dont ever seem to leave work behind... between juggling phone calls, remote pc magazine editing, picking up fsbo mags everywhere we stop, and all the while trying to coordinate eating, and spending some time in the water... it usually ends up being a highly stressful event

so hopefully, we wont vacate this year

[sidenote] we are probably moving closer to town
my father alone spent $2000 in gas last month
with four drivers... and two suvs, its bad

which in my opinion is all the more reason not to vacate
:)

icecream,
is amazing

i forgot how much better it tastes,
when i dont throw it up later

:)

as usual, i dont have much to say
but.. i want to say something...

vivanno is okay
im giving up caffeine
and diet soda

i might die

it was my aunts birthday yesterday, but
1) she had to work late, late as in 11pm
2) my uncle forgot... completely

i dont think he's realized it yet
its, sad

i mean, im not one of those people that freaks if someone forgets my birthday... but they've been married for over 10 years, and its not just that he forgot; but lately he's been a jerk... and i mean, if he's being a jerk when im around there's no telling what he's like when im not.

for kristis birthday i took some photos of her children
it was so hard to get those kids to look at the camera
seriously, its not that difficult

im not helping with vbs
every year since i was old enough ive helped
this year, im not

last year i wasnt going to
but someone else signed me up
so ended up having to do it anyway

this year, im not


but its not even vbs... its 'kids blast'
idk what that means, its different


...i dont have anything else to say
gotta go eat breakfast
peace

i cant do this eating thing. im so sick of it. but how do you stop? i mean seriously. its been years... back and forth, forth and back. im sick of dieting. im sick of eating. im sick of food. im sick of laxatives. im sick of xanga. im sick of not being happy in my own skin. i cant do it. i just, i always fail... i lose about 10lbs.. i start feeling good... you know "im on top of the world" and then... i eat, just a bite.. and it all crumbles, all the hard work, all the 'will power'... its gone. in one bite my whole existence is reduced to not gaining weight. gaining weight is the only thing ive cried over recently... and... im sick of hiding. im sick of my parents yelling at me about stupid stuff when they should be mad at me for over dosing on diurectics... speaking of those... im sick of watching the checkout ladies to see which ones most likely to let me buy medication that im not old enough to purchase. im sick of convincing myself i dont need supper... only to find we're 'going out'. and idk how to stop... i know how to gain weight. i know how to act like im better... but i dont know how to stop my first instinct from being to starve... everytime my jeans get tight. im sick of being envious. im sick jealousy... im tired of sin. i know its wrong, and i cant help myself. i cant do it alone. trust me.. ive tried.

babysitting is re-affirming my decision to not have kids

im pretty positive that Christian is a pathological liar
he's in time out now... his 30 minutes will begin soon
as soon as he admits what he did.
i swear... it's not that hard.

laura bell is spoiled, bad
she think that since im the babysitter
she can tell me what to do and when to do it
well her world came to a crashing halt

got to go.
christian got up

coffee again
i felt obligated to blog
so here i am
blogging

but i got an apple instead of bread
so i guess its just 'panera' :)

i generally hate birds
but today, i like to watch them
theyre inquisitive little creatures...
i like them, just not immensely

the soup is good today
i wanted coffee... but i cant do soup and coffee

im here, alone
at panera bread

my brother told jason davis that i was freak and ate alone all the time. so he's texting me begging for me to go to applebees. but im perfectly comfortable here thanks.

there are people here from church.. and they want me to sit with them. seriously? i mean... i came alone, so... i mean. ugh. it'd be different it was like my friends... but its not its just some random people that i dont even know know.

i want to write something
not about me

just something,
i just dont know where to
start

so from now on, just assume im at starbucks when im blogging
pandora radio is amazing.. i have always heard people talking about
but i just tried it out for myself, its awesome :)

the summer is a season full of stone birthdays
which of course entails cake, icecream cake

from this point forward, i dont like cake



i might eliminate sugar from my diet
i think im obsessed with what i eat
just all the time, except when im eating

its like, even though im not dieting
its still on my mind, 79% of the time
i cant handle doing nothing

but honestly i dont think i could do the not eating thing again... my head has gotten control... and even though i might want to stop eating and i want to go back to where i was.... ive tried; i cant. i cant go back. idk when thats going to click. i was talking with a friend the other day... and honestly, shes so naive and easily swayed that i could probably convince her to do it with me, its always easier with support. i almost asked her, i almost spilled. but i decided it would be selfish to pull her into my world, she doesnt deserve this feeling. no one does.

this feeling;
the feeling of... failure. i feel like ive failed in every aspect... everytime i turn around im reminded of unfinished projects, things in my life that were so important at one time or another have just faded away... and that failing feeling might as well be called disappointment... disappointed for failing myself, and disappointing God, and everyone around else around, it seems like everything i do is sub-par...

so when you pile all this together, i feel sad; all the time. and when you feel sad you dont want to spend time with your friends... you dont want to spend 2 hours in youth service. i dont want to go to tuesday night girls sentimental sessions, er i mean bible study.. all the things i used to do because i knew they were good for me have just slowly dropped in my priority list.

i just want to drink my coffee
and today theyre out of my coffee
i cant drink this, this 'italian roast'

i dont know..
im just, im not,
right

i finally did it
i come to you live from a mac

well, actually.. from starbucks,
but same difference i guess

i love it
but i hate it
its frustrating
but its easy

my iphone is up and running
equipped with anything you could possibly need
plus super monkey ball; minus 3g/gps

the server.. the apple server

crashed, in the middle of my update
therefore my phone is unusable

urgh

i cant talk about anything anymore
im no good at this blogging thing
i am a disappointment to blogger
they should delete my account

when im quiet im thinking
generally i dont think while talking
i should probably do that

i like tea, i drink tea when coffee is too much
i like the smell of cigarette smoke
i enjoy sitting still alone

if im with a group i hate being still
i talk about myself because i cant be wrong
if i make a statement about myself you cant say
'no youre wrong'

i have tanlines

starbucks again
if i dont buy food then i can afford coffee

i forgot my book.. but its just as well. i can barely focus on my computer much less get lost in don millers world... the coffee isnt as strong today. coffee makes me lose my appetite.

you know.. i created this coffee habit. i made myself drink coffee. im the reason i drink it.. i didnt just start downing pots of the stuff because i loved it... i made myself love it. and i dont have a reason.. i mean, i suppose at first it was because i wanted to be different, people's habits and addictions tend to define them, i wanted to define myself before someone or something did it for me.

there arent many things that i like, because i like them
i like things because i like liking things


chelsea broke up with david... for aaron
parker was in town and lizzie has her hopes up
amanda is acting more mature than usual


starbucks is loud tonight
i need advil to go with this

a whole press
thats allot of coffee kids


hopefully if i sit here long enough i'll have something to say
as of late, im boycotting periods.. as in the dot "."
in fact.. im pretty much down to commas and ...
unless in a paragraph of course

i skipped lunch to hang out by myself at starbucks
its okay though.. my friends will get over it


theres only a few other people here alone
one younger guy all dressed up.. reading
two middle aged men typing away on their ibm's

and then, me
wearing a dress and jeans
drinking sumatra

its a little too bold for the day
but, i dont really love anything else
any help grant?


half of me wants someone i know to come in.. to give me someone to talk to, something to keep my mind off my current alone state. i like the rings around my coffee cup.. they look like little mountains along the shore of a dark, bold, lake. i wish i had my slr, but here's a cellular shot.



[insert photo here]

(okay so maybe later)


younger guy keeps moving, not sure what hes trying to accomplish
he's probably just uncomfortable. i dont blame him..
i dont know much about coffee.. but the bottom of my cup is, dark

im sitting here at panera by myself
today is independence day
theres a family reunion not far away
short one stone, fortunately

people are staring
shooting me sympathetic looks
and then when i look up, they smile
its sad that sitting at lunch alone is pitied
i just want to eat my soup

i dont have to work today
one more shift.. sunday 7-close
im split, as far as wanting to quit

i need to quit.. but i dont like the fact that my main motivation for leaving my job is my diet. i cant handle being around that icecream all the time, ive got to quit. but how do you explain that to your co-workers? i mean, they already think im a freak..
they love me sure but still.

a teenage boy just asked if i wanted him to refill my coffee
he's new, his coworkers are trying to hide looks of anticipation
their trick is painfully obvious

i dont like it when people try to refill my coffee - they always mess it up.. and this case is no exception; i gave him a weird look and politely declined. coworkers cant help it.. some are grinning.. but its mostly laughter. he looks confused, and defeated. apparently he didnt know that generally at panera bread the employee doesnt wait on the customer.

i have no words.

i need to workout.
i need to eat less.
i need to eat more.
i need to stop eating icecream.
i need to eat more lean protein.
i need for my parents to let me go to the gym.

i need to read my bible
i need to talk to God
i need to go to church
i need to ask for wednesday nights off


*sigh*

i read this today.. on someone's page.
it made me sad, it made me think.

it's rather stereotypical
but bear with me guys



Your perfect little girl dropped a grade on her report card.
Your perfect little girl yelled at you last night.
Your perfect little girl talked back to you again.
Your perfect little girl painted her nails black.
Your perfect little girl lied to you all her life.
Your perfect little girl cries herself to sleep.
Your perfect little girl used to slit her wrists 'till she bled.
Your perfect little girl dated before sixteen.
Your perfect little girl was broken by a boy.
Your perfect little girl doesn't go to church.
Your perfect little girl hates you.
Your perfect little girl has given up on life.
Your perfect little girl had a tantrum today.
Your perfect little girl wants to run away.
Your perfect little girl has no real friends.
Your perfect little girl thinks she's overweight.
Your perfect little girl hasn't let you dry her tears.
Your perfect little girl disobeys you.
Your perfect little girl hates the world.
Your perfect little girl is hated by the world.
Your perfect little girl says bad things about you.
Your perfect little girl is very unhappy.
Your perfect little girl tried to commit suicide.
Your perfect little girl has become a disgrace.
Your perfect little girl....isn't so perfect anymore

second interview...
in the am. :)

kyle and lindsey...
wayy too awkward.

new worship leader...
weird thought.

it's thundering...
and i love it.

good night.

so all day on my birthday i kept wanting to call pj.
but you know, its weird to call someone and be like
hey, yeah, today's my birthday.

so i didnt.

he didnt call me either.
at 10:27pm, i got a text from him,
he said happy birthday, and he cant believe im 17

michelle called him. ugh.
i know she did, i wish she hadnt.


at the kissing tree before I learned my guns
we were seventeen, seventeen years young
i am still running, i am still running


i got this cup for my protein shakes...
but, it makes them all frothy. and weird.
and i dont if i like it.


in retrospect, i had a good birthday...
i just, didnt enjoy it in the moment.
and now its too late.


seventeen, livin on crazy dreams
rock and roll and faded blue jeans
and standing on the edge of everything
seventeen


seventeen, like the magazine.


im going to buy a mac. i have enough money...
but im scared. big purchases scare me.


and i post lyrics with my age
so i can relate. and feel understood.


she's not a drama queen,
she doesn't want to feel this way,
only seventeen but tired


ppeace.

this is the longest ive been without blogging my mind in a long time.


i interviewed at starbucks today
i dont think im going to hchs
ive got a 2nd interview on monday
highschool is too much work for nothing
i hope i get the job

tired... spent an hour at the gym.

*yawn*

night.

if i said ive been too busy to update;
i'd be lying. i just haven't been in the mood to.

-----

i don't have many moments where i feel like im worth much,
but that was one of them.

-----

peace.

that woman worked me like a dog.
after an hour, i thought i was going to die.
thank God for water and protein bars.

apparently.
i need to be eating a minimum 1500 calories.
my average this week has been 900


but what i dont understand, is this.
im not losing weight rapidly
i dont feel like im going to die
im not denying myself food
im not ravenously hungry
why eat more?

im hungry, i haven't had enough calories.
when i count calories, i eat less.
it's 5pm, ive had 565

i miss pastor jason terribly, i love talking to him on the phone... but it makes me miss him more. i keep thinking eventually i'll move on, and not miss him - but it seems the opposite is occuring. he's been gone for 5 months. thats a long time to miss someone.

i ordered multi-vitamins.


im going to a personal training session today... with my madre, it should be fun but it's should also be hard. i want to be in shape, i want to be in top-notch condition. im just not sure if i want someone else dictating what i eat, and when i workout. etc.
i am grateful though, and im excited.

i talked to pastor jason about anna, i wasn't going to give him any names... but i slipped up. he says i shouldnt feel guilty, it's not my fault. he said something he'd learned recently is that i can only do so much, i can only love her, talk to her, be there for her... but in the end it's her decision. God, i hope she makes the right decision.
God i hope she's not pregnant.

ive decided this whole blog is nothing but a meaningless rant about the half of life which sucks, these posts are hardly ever positive. i like my rant blog. i think i'll keep it just the way it is thanks you very much. i like to be able to rant, i like my rants, if you dont, then leave. stop reading, go away, just leave.

tonight im ranting about various things.

1)
connor, my youngest brother.... could get away with murder.
usually i dont care, until it affects me.
in which case, i do care, allot.

2)
my family has this major double standard
i dont like it. and i cant change it.

3)
my head hurts really bad right now.
really really bad.

4)
i dont want to tell my parents anything about my life.
i want to keep them out, i want to punish them.
they shouldnt be able to knowing anything,
for so long they didnt care, now they act like they do.
im trying to punish my parents without them knowing
by not letting them know.

5)
i wont let my father hug me.
he doesnt like it, and as far as im concerned when someone yells at you for not hugging them, then they're just proving the fact that they dont deserve your affection.

6)
my mother is way different when my father is not around.
she's almost normal, it's insane. its makes me mad.

7)
im way too tired to be blogging

mother's day. it was good... it was fun :D
went to church this am, wore the yellow dress.

sang in the choir, ran projection, then we loaded up and went to my aunts, ate lunch and swam till i had to go into work... at 5. i just got home from closing - kyle showed up to get icecream. hmm

closing was not as fun as last night...
too many trainees i think.



i have a friend who's fallen so far away from God, she can't even tell she's drifting. she can't remember when life was really okay, she couldn't deal with all the pressure - and she caved. she's given up on the inside. beautiful, smart girl, just giving into to the lies of the world. those stupid boys really dont care about her, and the drugs that aren't enough anymore, getting drunk isn't exciting, its got to be more. but she denies it all when she's with me. i cant take it, i can feel her hurting but when i try to reach out and pull her back up, it's like she can't grab on. almost like the influence i once had, is slowly sifting through my fingers.

and i dont know what to do.
except pray.

im out.

saturday, i didn't even get to post this on saturday... i was so busy saturday. i definitely should not have spent the night off friday. anyways, i stayed up till 3am, got up at 730 - hit the gym, showered, photographed a wedding, and then went to work at brusters - till close - which means late - which means i went to bed to bed at eh... 130am.

the wedding went allot smoother than expected.
i got paid good money, easy, fun money. so that's cool.

work was allot of fun... but i felt really sick to the point where they were telling me to go home. eh - i did get better eventually though :)


i bought a cheap tripod.. it was about time.

im at panera bread... i swear, this place is so addicting.
eating a kids meal though... because even though it is addicting,
its not very cheap.... and you get wayy to many calories.

work was good, turns out myy drawer wasn't even messed up :D
my crew leader miss-counted, and i put some of my receipts in the wrong drawer

im going to the gym in like 10 minutes, for the 2nd time today.
i went with cason earlier... but i feel like i should have done more.

prolly stayin at chelsea's house tonight...
im shooting a wedding tomorrow! im stoked :)




might edit tonight...

i went to the gym first thing this morning, i really did not want to get up... but in the end i was glad i went. i like to accomplish things that i would rather not do... but that i know are good for me. i like the feeling of buying a salad over french fries, i enjoy taking skipping the elevator and taking the stairs. so the gym, [vs sleep] was good for me. started my day off right.

working today was... okay, it was a nightmare. starting off with managers getting upset at each other.... about halfway through my shift i got chocolate syrup everywhere, and it ended with my drawer being off by $25.83. oh, and not to mention; the lesbian girl they just hired would not stop poking me.

after work i came home to an empty house... laid outside in the rain for about 10 minutes, and then spent an hour on the phone with lizzie... i haven't seen allot of her lately. come to think of it, i haven't seen allot of anyone lately. i love working... but ive got to figure out this whole 'balance' concept.

anyway, i need to sleep. peace.



-----
im going to get back into this blog thing, i promise.
this could very well end up just a "what kaylin did today" blog,
but i'll try to give ya'll a least a little bit of variation

i want to make this public.
but i dont think im... ready?
maybe, maybe it's just
that i dont think
they're ready.

my drawer was over $25.83 today.
it's been messed up a few times before...
but they've always been wrong.
today, it's my fault.

i think my receipts got mixed up.
regardless, i messed up.
i hate messing up.
i hate it.


urgghhhhhh.
im gonna go cry now.

it hurts
terribly.

i've thrown-up twice.
so im blogging.

yay me.

my stomach is growling now.
it cant seem to make up it's mind.




i cannot go to church today
said little sarah anne mckay
i have the measles and the mumps
a rash, a gash, and purple bumps

we joined today.
i work out soon.





its raining and ive forgotten to care
everything is compulsive; so fast
notes of music take on a life of their own
spinning cursive slants through my mind
the world is a blur of feelings and inhibitions
im running in it all, getting nowhere
it's pouring and ive forgotten to care

is this the first photo you ever saw of me?
was this my default when you 'found' me?


this is my new goal, at least this.
im sick of being lazy. im tired of being sad.
look how little my waist was, and even then,
i was still unhappy. ive got files of old photos,
old "status pics" - and they all make me sad.

typing. im in a sallow mood... when i get bored, or im not busy, i tend to be sad. right now i have so many things on my mind... work, school, getting into school, church work, trying to get out of church work, church, not going to church. etc.


i found out a fairly close friend is probably out
popping pills, smoking, and getting drunk.
and the thought of that saddens me.


i feel like if i havent made an impact on her,
then whats the point? if she cant see.. then why even go to church?
why even make an effort to live a righteous life?

and it makes me sick to think of the leadership positions she's been put into. and the people that look up to her... what if they knew? i mean, not that she shouldn't have been given those roles, but i would have thought she was better than that





idk... im just rambling.. im tired. and i need to do laundry.
i love my job, but its so draining having to smile for hours straight.
i really miss pastor jason, allot, in fact, it's kind of pathetic.
yesterday chelsea said "you know guys, he doesn't even miss us"
and that hurt. and even though i know it's not true... it still hurts.


ps//im pretty sure sallow means yellow... or sick...
or maybe it's a tree? but it fits today.

my last post was foggy, when i read it - it makes perfect sense...
but my mind mind fills in the spaces from sentence to sentence
so it's not quite so broken. thus while i get it... readers wouldn't.

oh well.


i've got a mandatory brusters meeting tomorrow at 9am...
blech. i have no clue what it's about.


ive also got a headache.


i cleared off my myspace,
and deleted all my friends,
facebook, finally converted to i have.

i often contemplate driving, driving until i reach the skyline. to that place where the sky touches the earth. in a sense - the end, completion, a goal reached... i find myself wishing i didn't have to continue on this monotonous journey that seemingly leads to nowhere. its like im stuck in this repetitive state of mind, work school church... im tired of it. where does it end? when did it start? why did i end up here, in this life? what's my purpose in this place? and not only do i want to know the 'whys' in life, but i want to know the 'ifs'... i want to see other things, i want to know different mindsets. i want to be deep without sounding shallow. i want to learn to be humble. i want to know what it is to be real. i want to live without premeditated conversations, and foreseen events.

i want to be spontaneous,
without becoming unglued and disheveled...


[there's one word that means
"unglued and disheveled" and i cant think of it]
speaking of which, that is the definition of this post.

With fifteen cans of spray paint and a chemical swirl
She's standing in the ashes at the end of the world

im jealous of the person who thought that.
i want to think in rhymes again.
i want to think in emotion.

i have been using an awful lot of degreaser.
and i have an awful lot of waffle iron burns.
but i like my job, an awful lot.

i like conversing with people who dont go to church.
i like listening to them talk about their lives,
so different from mine.

"kaylin, you smile too much, why do you smile so much?"

idk what to do for my 200th post.
so here it is... special eh?

my knees hurt.
why do your knees hurt kaylin?
because i was crawling on them.
oh yeah? why would you do that?
i was polishing the inside of bruster's cabinets.
oohhhh, i see.
yeah.
eh


so, yeah, i polished cabinets or most of my shift
personally i think it's because i was the
youngest/shortest/lightest one on today.
ick. but i had fun... actually :D

im coloring my hair soon. yay me.

but not any "unnatural color such as pink green, or blue"
because then i would be subject to immediate termination.
alas, darker it shall be soon.


pastor kevin went sky diving.
that's pretty much way cool.
i want to go sky diving.

my father broke his second iphone.
i have to laugh about this, to myself of course.

i got new shoes, new balance grant. :)
but i only got them because i had to.

im getting tan, and i like it allot.
i bought "through painted deserts"
the first chapter is good.

i worked with two gay guys,
and one whiny woman last night.

i like my job,
i wish i knew everything,
but im not afraid to say
"i dont know"
...and i definitely said it
allot.

im supposed to go in to church today,
but i haven't talked to ron to verify,
so im waiting on some form of communication.

i keep waking up w/out my retainer in.
i swear, my teeth will stay straight,
even if i have to wire that thing in.

ive got beautiful friends.

i got my uniform and paperwork today.
and honestly, im kind of excited. :D


i have to go get a permit tomorrow though... eh.

she likes him an awful lot, but God says no
and there's no superficial reason for the no
on the outside... he seems fine

so then, why the no?


idk.
as far as im concerned, he will never be good enough for her.
but... then again, i dont think anyone is good enough.

thus, i must try to be objective.


overall - he's a sweet kid,
he gets good grades,
doesn't drink or smoke,
i mean, he is a christian...
and he goes to church,
his dad was a pastor...

but his devotion to God,
just pales next to lizzie.
she's amazing.

sorry about that last post,
it was a little monotonous.
but i had to sort myself out :)

hannah montana is amazing some days.
other days it's jon foreman.
diverse eh?

i interviewed at brusters today...
they offered me the job,
i told them i'd call 'em.

which i did -and left a message.
i need a job, and i like the smell.

lol :)



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i want to write here, not just type.
but i feel like i dont have anywhere to pull my words from.