music...
it's the kind of music that makes you want to sit outside in the rain,
smoking a cigarette, and drinking coffee...
it's the kind of music that makes you want to sit outside in the rain,
smoking a cigarette, and drinking coffee...
thanksgiving
as negative as i am on here.. i really am a happy person. i like to go for long walks in warm clothes... i like waking up before my alarm, i smile a lot... i know i seem an ungrateful self-concerned snot around these pages, i promise im not. well, at least not all the time.
i woke up yesterday morning determined to have a good day, my assistant manager was back from vacation and i wanted to make her smile (something i had yet to see her do). on arriving to work we both found out that we would be the only ones opening... katy didnt show. long, hectic story short, work was super busy.. but about 6 or 7 things started slowing down.. she told me she was pregnant, and apologized for being "an ass" for my first few weeks... i told her she was fine... it was fine, no worries. apparently she didnt want kids.. and she was really upset about it, plus, her husband just left for iraq... and doesnt know if he'll be back for birth...
which is a lot of stress for a 22yr old...
all of that to say, she did smile. a lot.
and im so glad i didnt dismiss her
as "an ass"
edit:
i started this post for a whole other reason
regardless, happy thanksgiving..
eat, drink, and be merry :)
i woke up yesterday morning determined to have a good day, my assistant manager was back from vacation and i wanted to make her smile (something i had yet to see her do). on arriving to work we both found out that we would be the only ones opening... katy didnt show. long, hectic story short, work was super busy.. but about 6 or 7 things started slowing down.. she told me she was pregnant, and apologized for being "an ass" for my first few weeks... i told her she was fine... it was fine, no worries. apparently she didnt want kids.. and she was really upset about it, plus, her husband just left for iraq... and doesnt know if he'll be back for birth...
which is a lot of stress for a 22yr old...
all of that to say, she did smile. a lot.
and im so glad i didnt dismiss her
as "an ass"
edit:
i started this post for a whole other reason
regardless, happy thanksgiving..
eat, drink, and be merry :)
xanga
thursday
11.15.2007
on a a "lighter note"...
my week's been quite heavy.
the morning after i sent my last message michelle called and told my parents everything. she even went as far as to print exerts from my blog to give to them. i know she only did it because she was worried, and she cares about me... but she had promised she would tell me, before she told anyone. give me a heads up ya know?
she neglected to do so. which i was a little upset about.
but not much, so far i've held together. i'm not angry at her.
my parents freaked. suddenly their perfect daughter had a flaw, a major one. and not only did she have a problem... but she'd had it for years and they hadn't noticed. of course, the questions were raised "what have we done wrong" and "how could we not have seen?" well ya know what? it's not about them. it's about me - as selfish as that sounds. maybe if they could look at me as a person, and not as "their daughter" it might be easier to relate.
so to keep on with the story, after we met michelle for lunch to "sort everything out" my parents and i had a meeting with my senior pastor... to get his opinion, but also to keep any rumors from spreading... wouldn't want to ruin our image now would we. *eye roll* my parents will never trust me again. But yeah.. then we met with pastor jason... and so on.
tuesday night i had christmas production practice... pj directs, and michelle has the lead. needless to say - it was a fun night... *sarcasm*
i woke up wednesday morning emotionally drained... not from crying my eyes out (like michelle) but rather the opposite. it's quite tough to maintain composure while your world is seemingly being torn apart by people who "love you". i hadn't cried a drop though. i convinced my parents that michelle was totally elaborating and over-reacting, it was just some simple experimentation. you know? all girls have done it.
and they believe me, to a point.
i spent most of wednesday listening to my ipod and ignoring the world. wednesday night i got to church a little early... first person i see is michelle... her whole face swollen and eyes watery.
m: this has been a rough two days
k: huh..? two?
m: have you talked to jason today?
k: no... why? what's going on?
m: nothing
k: liar
m: kaylin, i can't tell you...
i can't believe he hasn't talked to you already
i was so upset, i had all these emotions running around..
but in my spirit i knew what was happening. i had known for awhile.
then i went downstairs, to the youth room. first person i see is my youth pastor. i gave him a "why yes, i am upset" look... so he put arm around me
pt: i know whats wrong with you
but change happens baby girl...
i was worried about you. it's okay
k: what are you talking about?
*his facial expression changed, from sympathy
to "oh-no-she-doesn't-know-yet*
k: *quizzical look*
about this time, youth was starting... we had to get in there. after youth -- which is a whole nother story -- i went upstairs to choir. pastor jason ended early and did announcements... then he got a very serious expression on his face, and the whole room got quiet... and still.
he went on to say he'd felt a change lately... and started praying and really seeking God... he'd been offered and accepted a position in iowa. i mean, he said allot of other stuff, some sappy, reflective, etc. but the whole time he never even looked at me. which is kinda hard to do since i sit on the front row - dead center.
he wouldn't even catch my eye. but I showed no emotion -- i think, having my control mechanism virtually ripped out of my hands the day before, i'd adopted withdrawal as a temporary replacement. as soon as he finished he prayed and dismissed. i put my books up and walked to the door.
michelle caught my arm,
"kaylin.. don't do this. don't shut down."
i pushed past her, said goodnight, and went home.
pj called me this morning, apologizing for not telling me.
yeah... i'm sorry too.
i went up to the church to talk to him today.. but instead i ended up just hanging out and joking around, because kyle (the drummer boy) showed up the same time i did.
i feel so spent.
and i hate food.
and i could keep typing...
but i think you get the jist.
on a lighter note - how're you doing?
11.15.2007
on a a "lighter note"...
my week's been quite heavy.
the morning after i sent my last message michelle called and told my parents everything. she even went as far as to print exerts from my blog to give to them. i know she only did it because she was worried, and she cares about me... but she had promised she would tell me, before she told anyone. give me a heads up ya know?
she neglected to do so. which i was a little upset about.
but not much, so far i've held together. i'm not angry at her.
my parents freaked. suddenly their perfect daughter had a flaw, a major one. and not only did she have a problem... but she'd had it for years and they hadn't noticed. of course, the questions were raised "what have we done wrong" and "how could we not have seen?" well ya know what? it's not about them. it's about me - as selfish as that sounds. maybe if they could look at me as a person, and not as "their daughter" it might be easier to relate.
so to keep on with the story, after we met michelle for lunch to "sort everything out" my parents and i had a meeting with my senior pastor... to get his opinion, but also to keep any rumors from spreading... wouldn't want to ruin our image now would we. *eye roll* my parents will never trust me again. But yeah.. then we met with pastor jason... and so on.
tuesday night i had christmas production practice... pj directs, and michelle has the lead. needless to say - it was a fun night... *sarcasm*
i woke up wednesday morning emotionally drained... not from crying my eyes out (like michelle) but rather the opposite. it's quite tough to maintain composure while your world is seemingly being torn apart by people who "love you". i hadn't cried a drop though. i convinced my parents that michelle was totally elaborating and over-reacting, it was just some simple experimentation. you know? all girls have done it.
and they believe me, to a point.
i spent most of wednesday listening to my ipod and ignoring the world. wednesday night i got to church a little early... first person i see is michelle... her whole face swollen and eyes watery.
m: this has been a rough two days
k: huh..? two?
m: have you talked to jason today?
k: no... why? what's going on?
m: nothing
k: liar
m: kaylin, i can't tell you...
i can't believe he hasn't talked to you already
i was so upset, i had all these emotions running around..
but in my spirit i knew what was happening. i had known for awhile.
then i went downstairs, to the youth room. first person i see is my youth pastor. i gave him a "why yes, i am upset" look... so he put arm around me
pt: i know whats wrong with you
but change happens baby girl...
i was worried about you. it's okay
k: what are you talking about?
*his facial expression changed, from sympathy
to "oh-no-she-doesn't-know-yet*
k: *quizzical look*
about this time, youth was starting... we had to get in there. after youth -- which is a whole nother story -- i went upstairs to choir. pastor jason ended early and did announcements... then he got a very serious expression on his face, and the whole room got quiet... and still.
he went on to say he'd felt a change lately... and started praying and really seeking God... he'd been offered and accepted a position in iowa. i mean, he said allot of other stuff, some sappy, reflective, etc. but the whole time he never even looked at me. which is kinda hard to do since i sit on the front row - dead center.
he wouldn't even catch my eye. but I showed no emotion -- i think, having my control mechanism virtually ripped out of my hands the day before, i'd adopted withdrawal as a temporary replacement. as soon as he finished he prayed and dismissed. i put my books up and walked to the door.
michelle caught my arm,
"kaylin.. don't do this. don't shut down."
i pushed past her, said goodnight, and went home.
pj called me this morning, apologizing for not telling me.
yeah... i'm sorry too.
i went up to the church to talk to him today.. but instead i ended up just hanging out and joking around, because kyle (the drummer boy) showed up the same time i did.
i feel so spent.
and i hate food.
and i could keep typing...
but i think you get the jist.
on a lighter note - how're you doing?
migraine
im sick. i have a migraine
here i am, locked in my darkened room,
tear stained, bloodshot eyes, behind too-big sunglasses
no, i cant go to sleep.. because my forehead is pounding...
and ive been puking up watered down excedrin
every half hourr since 12pm
so i call my a manager, explain the situation
"kaylin i need you, we're short handed and busy"
ingrid... im sick. and ive never called out before...
"i know i know.. but we need you. take some medicine
if you take some medicine you'll be alright right?
i dont know ingrid...
"call back at 4 okay?"
i have to be at work at 330
"oh, well, i need you to come in"
alright ingrid
"call me"
i will
click
i dont understand, im sick
and i work directly with customers
who wants someone who looks like death,
to load up and carry out their groceries?
and its not my fault they're short staffed
if they didnt cut hours, and treat their employees like crap
then maybe they, in turn, would not call out so often
and maybe, if when they know theyre going to be busy
they should schedule enough people to work the shift
i tell my mom what ingrid said
my mom gets angry
"what's the worst they can do kaylin, fire you?
youre cleary sick... youre not going to work"
regardless, i want the 8 hours, im trying to save
but i cannot go in.. i would if i could, but i cant
i take pride in the fact that ive never called out of a shift
ive never played "the sick card"
ive always been willing to come in
even for people i know are healthy
so glad my last day is soon
here i am, locked in my darkened room,
tear stained, bloodshot eyes, behind too-big sunglasses
no, i cant go to sleep.. because my forehead is pounding...
and ive been puking up watered down excedrin
every half hourr since 12pm
so i call my a manager, explain the situation
"kaylin i need you, we're short handed and busy"
ingrid... im sick. and ive never called out before...
"i know i know.. but we need you. take some medicine
if you take some medicine you'll be alright right?
i dont know ingrid...
"call back at 4 okay?"
i have to be at work at 330
"oh, well, i need you to come in"
alright ingrid
"call me"
i will
click
i dont understand, im sick
and i work directly with customers
who wants someone who looks like death,
to load up and carry out their groceries?
and its not my fault they're short staffed
if they didnt cut hours, and treat their employees like crap
then maybe they, in turn, would not call out so often
and maybe, if when they know theyre going to be busy
they should schedule enough people to work the shift
i tell my mom what ingrid said
my mom gets angry
"what's the worst they can do kaylin, fire you?
youre cleary sick... youre not going to work"
regardless, i want the 8 hours, im trying to save
but i cannot go in.. i would if i could, but i cant
i take pride in the fact that ive never called out of a shift
ive never played "the sick card"
ive always been willing to come in
even for people i know are healthy
so glad my last day is soon
robot
there are days when i would rather have a video blog than written. but not one where i would talk to the camera persay.. rather, a tiny robotic camera that captured my thoughts, as well as what i was seeing. and not only what i was seeing, but my perception on it.
sometimes i want people to know what' going on in this head of mine. granted, i wouldnt want that camera attached 24/7... im not that transparent yet.
this past hour ive been sitting in starbucks.
starbucks is full of wonderful people.
sometimes i want people to know what' going on in this head of mine. granted, i wouldnt want that camera attached 24/7... im not that transparent yet.
this past hour ive been sitting in starbucks.
starbucks is full of wonderful people.
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