im working at the church.
getting paid to do stuff i like.
and thats cool.

im not obese.
yay me.

i have some of the
best people for friends...
-- in the entire world.

we are doing fine arts
even though they weren't
planning on it.

-----

change.

why have i grown to hate it so much? when i was little everything changed all the time, i lived in 14 houses before i was 9. homeschooled of course.. and never had a lot of friends. everything was always different, i never knew what was next. but then, i guess something happened, i started to grow up. and i still am [growing up] and i know there's going to be allot more change heading my way.

so i might as well get used to it right?
i need to stop getting close to people,
because there's not really a point right?
eventually they want be there anymore.
maybe i should just pull out of everything.
stay away from everyone. im serious.

im sick of life as i know it.
something needs to change.
i need a change.

i dont like change...
but i need it this time.

i just want to move away,
and do awesome stuff.
but, the more i think about it...
the more indecisive i become.

i had decided, ncu all the way.
major in cmmunication art: media
and doing that would entail
photography, web design, video,
layout and design, etc.
and then minor in music.
at ncu...

but i got to talking to grant and [as usual]
he was telling me southeastern was the way to go.
and he wants to take a group down there...

and that sounds great,
surfing and sun..

ahh, or
snow, cold,
freezing,
temperatures.

idk, its not just about weather.

-----

this post is all over the place.
oh, my parents, are still fighting,

and my mom...

her birthday is tomorrow.

i know there'll be crying.

i want to hate him for it.

i want to so bad.


im trying to have grace...
i really am, i think.

out to god.
where are you?
and why?

im drowning in my thoughts and questions.
i need an answer.. i need answers.

but i have Him, isn't He supposed to be the answer?




another question.

moore.

i love her posts.

"Something else I'm realizing (and was confirmed to me by another book I read, The Sacred Romance by John Eldredge), is that I am not my talents. Whether people realize it or not, we are accepted for what we can 'bring to the table' whether it be talent, efficiency, beauty, power or money. For me...I always knew inately that people would like me after they heard me sing. And as harsh as that sounds...it has never failed me. Most people loved me for it unless they were jealous, then they outright hated me. But for the most part, my talents have been my number one acceptance factor. I see my value in them a great deal and God, by telling me not get involved here, is stripping me of the identity that I, and other, people have defined me as. I feel like the more I get to know the REAL God, the more I get to know the REAL me. It's simply beautiful."


:)

relates again.


put on that smile, it's time to face another day
tell everybody every thing's o.k.
how much longer can you play this game?
tell me how much more can you take?
i see the broken heart you try so hard to hide
i see the tears you hold back in your eye
i see the fear and doubt that paralyzes you
could live your dreams but you never follow through


story of my life.
hmm, cliche much?

*sigh*

problems I can't fix
are slowing me down
stumbling and falling
I just might drown
these new emotions
are crowding my head
aching from within
I can't get out of bed
like I'm lost in the street
the turns all look the same
can someone help me
or is this all just a game
too late to explain
my wet tears now dry
I wanted to write
but could only cry
it all seems the same
time's stuck in place
but we have to press on
keep running this race.

i dont feel good.
java and migraine meds
save the day
once again.

-----

i dont think im going.
there are too many cons.
and only one (lizzie) pro.

and i wouldn't feel terrible not going.





wait... yeah i would.
but i an get over it,
and so can they.

plus, i need to finish the bulletin board.

i dont want to go.
i dont want to get in the car.
i dont want to see lizzie and parker.
i dont want to see chelsea and aaron.


its not that im not happy for them.
it makes me happy that they're happy
(or on the way to happy)

i just dont care to subject myself
to feeling like an outcast.

and i dont have to.

-----

so why do i?

my.


mouth.

is.



burning...!
ahh, but it's getting better.

-----

going to the church today,
gotta be there at eleven.
dont want to.

cry me a river.

-----

michelle's gonna be there.
she kinda blew up last night.
but i can't blame her.
she was upset.

and it's my fault though.
i should have asked ptripp...
before i asked michelle to help ensemble.
and then i wouldn't have had to tell her,
he said no -- after i already asked her.

ugh... there's so much going on.
i just want to hide.

-----

*deep breath*

it's okay, i can do this.

numero one hundred fifty.


whoopie.



-----

i... i invited people to read.
but just so everyone knows...
this blog's been "deleted"

-----

i dont know if i'll post more often.
and i haven't changed or re-written anything.
that is, to make it more reader-friendly.
so dont take offense.

one word -- solo.

i dont think there's many other words
that scare me as much as that one does.
i dont want to work with trey.
but what can i do?

-----

talked to pj.
i like him.

-----


i think im starting a new business...
shhh, its a secret for now. :)

tick. tick..tick...

504am.
tick....

my body hurts.
it needs rest.

we ended the fast today.
I can't sleep.
I think its the sugar.
I'm soooo tired though...
at church all day tomorrow.

I need to sleep.

i want to learn to write well.
can that be taught?

i need to spill my guts.
to someone real.
speak my mind.
and be heard.

not via internet.
and i dont want pity and tears.
i want hardcore advice.

maybe im asking to much.

my mind feels so full.
everyone is so busy.
going 100 miles an hour.

-----

jamie is gonna be cool.
but honestly, i wasnt planning on doing yc.
and i dont think i would be, if jamie wasn't.

-----

i want to do ensemble.
but i dont want problems.
so they can just suck it up
check their problems at the door
and focus on someone beside themselves.
this can work. *nods*

-----

i really like hot-sauce.
but now ive got blisters on my lips.
from the heat. lol :)

new year. i'm stokkked.
i feel like there's some order in my life.
but i need some more direction.
and i need a job.



-----


i remember when i was desperately in love with God, all i wanted was to be near Him. but these past few years ive built walls to keep Him out, so even though He's so close, so near, ive blinded myself. i want to go back, but i must press on... i have to go forward into this world ive created, the only way out... is in. deep.

i want to be so deep within His love, i want to breathe Him in, i want closure, i want to feel Him, i want to cry, i want passion, i want something real, im more than slightly sick of my world. i dont want to be in the dark.

i love God, but i want to be in love with God.

the new blog was a bust.
a lie. a mask. a fake.


im going to shower.
then sort myself out.

i want pastor jason to answer my calls.
...but not if he doesn't want to.


peace.