just an update..


i left st francis hospital about half an hour ago
i got off work, called chris, called evan,
mama c calls.. hospital

we got there, waited in the room forever... and then they finally called us back. unfortunately, i am 18, not 19, and was not permitted to stay in the room with anna. she's broken. the doctors are admitting her to the bradley center as soon as she's bandaged up... her arm is sliced to pieces, she's been 'diagnosed' suicidal, and put on high risk...

this is all very sad
she is a broken girl

i cant fix her
i cant fix the situation
im still accepting that


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i just hung up with australia.. i gave my final word on whether or not i will be attending the July 2010 Staff Leadership Internship.. the final word was indeed, no. it's a very sad process... talking to kate martin in reception.. and keevy in registrar... things and people that i miss dearly...

i couldnt have made that phone call if i didnt know for sure... which is why i've taken my sweet time thinking/praying all of it through... thoroughly... she (keevy) took it well.. and im sure she's used to it...

i need to write more about this
my mind is a bit mush at the moment

- - - - -

im not going to iraq.

today is saturday.. its been a long week. i've got a 3 page paper due monday, a take math test to complete, and i need to spend some time with my grandmother. those are my top three priorities at the moment. but, as i have just clocked out at starbucks, i decided that a break is needed, a pause, a lapse, a lunch... whatever you want to call it.

i want to call chris. but i wont. i could probably write a blog in response to his blog.. but i shouldnt. i need to write out my thoughts here for a bit... my mind is full and i can't write an essay until it's clear.

- - - - -
i am in a dreadful like with this house. i've let myself become attached... probably not the wisest decision, considering that we don't know, and wont know (until monday) if we'll get approved. once approved i need to come up with $520 - and being the barista i am, and with the recent laptop episode... im not positive where that's going to come from. but alas, if it's supposed to work out, it will. i have a few tricks up my sleeve... and if all else fails, i could dial in a favor - but, im praying. i want this to work out (dreadfully). but, if it doesn't... then i'll make it... if God wants me there, then we'll figure it out.

im excited to be on my own.. it seems like i've wanted to move out since i moved in. im excited to live with lolly - who seems to be an endless supply of inspiration for me as of late... i like listening to her talk, i like watching her debate. she is intriguing.

- - - - -

i didnt get the job at manchester. because of this, i get to dictate my availability/class schedule.. vs starbucks telling me when to work, and me filling in the holes. which, in all honesty - is a good thing. i just can't decide. night class and early starbucks mornings? been there done that... but i can't decide what makes me more tired... i know that i need to be more awake/alert in class, and i also know that regardless of the state im in when i get to work... starbucks has a way of keeping me that way. so, one would think that the schedule i have right now is golden... school in the am, and closing every night... but, i dont have enough time for homework - granted, im really good at carving out time... when i would otherwise be doing meaningless things (sleeping, eating, hanging out with friends, building relationships, writing letters, sleeping)... but, i think i need more balance...

maybe, if i can get all my classes on two or three days..
maybe that would be best.
i haven't slept in... in awhile.
i need that i think
some times..

also, csu doesn't offer a great variety of night classes.. so the ones they do offer usually fill up fairly quick. i dont want to get to registration and change my entire life in a 5 minutes span... plus, april 12th i'll be registering for summer and fall semester... so i really need to get my stuff straight pretty soon. i like closing.. i like the title of "closer" i like the stress... i like working hard... and i like my customers... so maybe this is the best way...

- - - - -

chris is coming to georgia in may.
i have a lot of feelings about this... but (as i've currently learned about myself) im not very good at articulating these 'feelings' in a communicative way. it's hard for me to just trust that the other person wont be a) freaked out or b) disappointed or c)... just, not on the same page. on the other hand... i understand that that's the only way you get to same page. communicating. i know chris and i are in the same book... so at least ive got that going for me... i need better words. you'd think that i could come up with words.. i love words... i love studying them, writing them, listening to them... but to be honest, i'e never had to do this.. this, 'communication' thing. its a problem. so im fixing it.

i guess it's my turn

chris is 25.. i am 18. chris wants to get married, soon. i know that, and i want him to get married soon. i want him to fall in love with the right person, and i want it to be smooth sailing for him - from day one. i want the very best for him. i am 18.. i want to get married, one day. i want to have kids, and i want a siberian husky. but i am in no hurry. i like who chris is, i like the way he lives life... or rather, i assume it. i know what his life looks like, i know a little bit about how he responds to situations, and how he deals with problems... but i don't know him. meeting him will answer a lot of questions - which is why may is so imperative.

i just don't know if i'm right for chris... regardless of how much i want to see this pan out, regardless of how i like talking to him, and enjoy his company.. i dont want to see him settle - in any way. chris doesn't deserve to settle... and i know, well... i hope, that he knows that.. as he should. but even that scares me.. because i dont want to be the one who helps him identify that he's settling. if that makes sense.

i could... and probably will write more,
but the bottom line?

im worried about things that haven't been said... im worried about things that i cannot change. im worried about things that haven't happened. im just.. i want things low-key. and for me? that means not having to worry about anything going wrong, or going fast. i dont want him to propose.. but i dont want be acquaintances. - nether of which i need worry about. i like our 'flirty banter' i like the things are right now. and im just afraid that he'll get here and things will change for the worst, that things will be awkward... or boring. but i know i dont need to be afraid of things that haven't happened... and this is showing up in a few places in my life.

"worrying is nothing short of staring God in the face and telling Him, "You're not able.."

i said that when i was 14.. and i still think about it...

not to say that i should be numb, naive... or overly-insensitive..
but i do need to chill out, do my job, and let life work out.
then.. i can work with what i've been given,
but you can't work with something you don't have.

- - - - -

i've been spending a lot of time with God recently.. it's comforting. that routine has been making it's way to the top of the list for a while.. and it's something that i'm doing right, and it feels good. clean. refreshing.

i just need to make more time... we should extend the days..
i need at least 28 hours. :)

so i finally decided to interview for the shift position..
and i did not get the shift position.

after being told that i was "a shoe-end" for job.. over and over again, i got tired of it. i did not want to get the job by default.. i didnt want to be the only option. candice deserves the very best partner doing the best job.. and i honestly think that she chose correctly. lolly is an incredible partner.. she works her butt off. i just.. i do wonder at how much she wants it. i had to convince her just to interview.. i gave her all of the answers, and a heads up on the questions.. i met up and prayed for her before she went.. and she even texted me mid-interview to ask how much coffee goes into a french press, to which i replied - .12oz... i wanted her to have a great interview.. mine was quick, stressful, and sidetracked.. and i didnt want her to have to deal with that... but i just.. i wonder how long im going to live my life like that... i had every right to just take the job.. and now im upset because i didnt. but was it my right? is it right to just have things handed to you? i dont know.. maybe i have a complex. i feel like i should work for everything. i think that anything good, positive, beneficial, et cetera.. takes work, care, devotion, and, a lot of the time - stress.

- but what about this?

dont get me wrong, i am so excited for lolly, she deserves a break..

but what now? i dont want to work as much, in order to pay bills and work less - you have to get paid more. - or.. find another job. my health insurance runs out in june.. i need to keep this job, if only for that benefit... but i dont want to work two jobs.. i dont want as much stress in my day-to-day... and i love this job! but what now? i keep working into overtime as a full-time student on their own trying to learn patience? why do i do this to myself... does this "self-appointed image of independence and drive, this picture that i have of myself, is it worth it? do i honestly like to do these things.. or do i just like being that person? and if so... do the benefits outweigh the discrepancies of the situation? is that even the right word?

i just dont know is all...
i need to go write to jesus now.

and finish chris's letter
and do my geography homework
and study for psychology
and figure out my class schedule
and im opening for evan tomorrow
- on free-pastry day..

and.. i need a hug.

so i think i'll skip the topic i left off at last time... granted, i know i'll be mad at myself later... for not documenting things that are important.
but, we'll just leave that book on the shelf this evening.

i dont really know what i intend on writing about...
so, i just going to start typing - as usual i suppose.

today: was a good day. was simply a beautiful day. work from eleven to four... the weather is lovely, and i hope its here to stay. im sitting at manchester right now, on the patio. on the other side of the 'room' there are 8 deaf people, all signing, drinking coffee and such... i wonder what that would be like.. to not hear. they seem like they're enjoying themselves... laughing and smiling... i wish i knew what they saying.

yesterday: was a pretty day. was a day where i was sick. throwing-up like sick. i had stayed up the night before, working on financial-aid things. i did get it all finished though.. which was good. productivity is good. i went in to work.. but was sent home, thank god someone covered my shift. i called chris on the way home.. and ended up stopping off at flat rock... lovely place. we talked for a long time. it was a good sick day. then kelsey and i went to flat rock... we chatted about a few things... she was starting to bug me, and i just stayed busy, and away from home... im used to that anyway. that started to bug her, and we needed a wednesday night. good conversing.

i dont know.. life is good at the moment. im not going o australia in july... which is a peaceful thing. it allows me to make plans... and figure a few things out with college. i love being a student. im moving out and in with lolly in may... buying a car around the same time. i think kelsey will end up staying here - rent or no rent. she loves the door... and grant.
i think it will be good for her.

i got a kitten. his name is c. s. lewis

yes, his eyes are still that lovely color.
he's beautiful.

hello world

today is a weird day.. i did absolutely nothing today... well, that's not entirely true. i did absolutely nothing productive today.. i went to starbucks, declined three different shifts this week. all of my plans for the week have fallen through or have been put on hold.. life is really weird this week. i dont have anything that i have to do. i have a few things that i could do.. my geography project, for one... i mean, it's not do until the end of march, but i know that if i want to do it well then i should do it while i have time. i dont know when the next time is that i'll have time...

i wish the lake house had internet.. then i could hide up there for the week... chill out and get a few things done, but relax, doing nothing. i think i might go up there for at least a night or two... later this week. solitude sounds comforting. i think i have burned myself out.. i cried today. not because i was stressed or confused... because, i was, stressed and confused.. but because i needed to cry. i hadn't cried since the week i got home.. i dont think.

okay

lets sort some things out

download a bit


spring break

this week is spring break, and to give a little background and context, i should probably start from plan A... lolly and i were planning on heading down to orlando for the week.. to hang out with travis and his band (which i'll talk a little more about in a later topic) and just.. chill for the week. unfortunately, budget restraints and broken cars prevented us from doing so.. and while on one hand, it saddens me that we dont get to go - the other side is that, well, i think it could be a blessing in my life... i guess we'll see.. plan B (not the pill, the idea) on realizing that we could not go to orlando, lolly and i devised a secondary agenda.. head to athens! athens is where uga is. it's a very eclectic, artsy, hippie, musically infused, college town... we both have heaps of friends there... and its less gas, and cheaper all around. however... uga has their spring break now as well.. so most of our friends wont be on campus.. and we really didnt want to check into the college party scene for a week anyway... so here we are, back at square one. plan C chris has been jokingly talked about coming for a visit this week.. which i had mixed feeling about.. but i do want to meet him. i miss him - if that's possible. anyway, long story short, he's not coming.. and we're not meeting in jackson tomorrow for lunch.. which, until this afternoon was a legitimate idea, but honestly.. there's just so much going on, and it's a whole day.. and idk.. way too last minute and too much time/gas to hang out for two hours.. its just not worth it. my father offered to buy me a ticket to austin and spend the latter part of the week in waco with chris... but i declined. looking back now, i think i might've changed my mind... but my reasons aren't the money, or the time, just... i think that i should meet him first. whether that means going to jackson for lunch, or him coming here... so yeah. (chris will get his own topic, no worries) (man, i shouldnt have taken so much time off here) plan D amanda and i haven wanted to go up to iowa to see pastor jason since before he even left... we figured we'd just spend wednesday - saturday up there... but gas costs heaps and neither of us can drive in the snow.. so that's a no go... i think the final verdict of this week will end up with amanda and i in little five points shopping in vintage stores and maybe staying the night in the youth hostel.. all things that are legit price-wise, cheap and fun.. and can be done at the last minute.. i do want to spend a day or so at the lake house, probably tomorrow night if i can swing it... and then next i'll go back to normal...

travis and co.

bananafish and open windows showed up to the store late thursday night.. the stayed at lolly's house and had a show friday night... and went back to orlando early saturday morning. i hung out with the boys a bit on thursday night... at starbucks. on friday, i rocked up to the show... late. and then headed to lolly's for a few hours... try to be in this scene for a minute... 5 guys from open windows, 4 from bananafish, 6 from another band... and 2 or 3 friends (also boys), lolly, and i... sitting in the tiny living room... covering the two couches, two chairs, the 4 table chairs... and some blankets laid out on the floor.. everyone was singing some sort of melody as 3 acoustic guitars made their way from talented musicians to experimental drunk guitarists... the record player hammering out some random indie band in the background... two cases of pabts blue ribbon, seven 30oz budweisers, a bottle of rum... two bottles of whiskey... shot glasses covering the small coffee table... starbucks cups in every other hand... plastic and ceramic... coffee and alcohol. it was a party. the kitchen beyond the living room contained two or three brave souls making and putting to use a last-minute gravity bomb... high our of their minds.. people rotated n and out of the kitchen.. travis being in there 2 or 3 times.. it was intense.

i really missed travis. im not in love with him.. nor do i want to be him, anymore. but i honestly wanted to see him.. but not in this state, not in that place... not on xanax, drunk, and high... not messy. not out of his mind... his heart... i dont know what's happened to him. it is quite sad. i am glad the orlando trip fell through.. im glad that i wont have to spend 6 nights watching his life fall apart... but i am sad for him.

listening t him talk about life and the like, when he lived here... was not only intriguing, but incredible... i thought he had somehow found a way to straddle the line... on foot in the world and one out... he had such a platform, and such a story... but i know now... i know what i knew all along.. and travis is just another example.. you can't do it. you cannot be luke-warm... or even appear it. its all or nothing...



christopher

to be continued