i keep getting on here in hopes to type something meaningful... but nothing has come of it. it's been a long day. i closed last night, pulled an all-nighter and opened for beth, wrote an essay in 20 minutes prior to class, and i just got off from josey's shift...  i helped a lot of people get sleep today. hence - i get no sleep.

caleb worked with me for the last 4 hours... as soon as i clocked in he started asking me about amanda. i told that i was not at liberty to say anything that was exchanged last night... now, he's is in an incredibly somber mood. 

that's the latest there...

i dont know guys...

"first of all, i just want to say that i have an incredible amount of respect for chris, guarding your heart is so important, and caleb and i have failed. i just... i don't know if i want to marry him...  i want to date someone, not marry them... im so stressed out.. im freaking out right now, im freaking out... i don't know if i want to be a 20yr old pastor's wife... kaylin, i want to have coffee with chris when he gets here... i want to just, to talk to him...  i dont know what im going to do... we have to slow down - now.... no, no, im not breaking up with him, i just have to slow things down... and i have his heart, i have so much power, and i hate it... it scares me.."

: excerpts from talk with amanda tonight.

im a bit worried. she needs to calm down.

lots of prayer.. and one thing at a time.

he will be crushed

why didnt you call me?

"... you know, i really don't know."

"i know im in a bad place, and everyday things just get harder with me and grant... i don't want to crush him. i want him to grow and mature and be loved. i can sit here and tell you a hundred reasons not to do what i'm doing, i feel like such a hypocrite... i don't know what to do... i don't feel like what im doing is wrong... just that it's not right... i don't know kaylin... i just don't know..."

i have so much more i need to write, 

but... story of my life hey..

: excerpts from talk with lolly

directly after talking to amanda

my heart is heavy...

after 18 years...

i finally did it

i moved out

i love on my own

i pay bills...

i love paying bills

i love being independant

so much that i have to watch it

i want to be interdependant

lolly and i talked about sex on saturday night...  we talked about how that she never thought that she would have before she was married... she talked about covenant.. and about becoming intimately tied to other people...  it is very hard for me to understand these things...

i am currently stuck in russian accent, 

i cannot get out of it

'tis okay

i haven't written a public blog in a few days... 

 today was a bad day, and a good day...

i woke up late, pressing the snooze button all of 7 times. grabbed a muffin and my bible and spent not-enough time with Jesus... and rushed to school, i walked solemnly to my geography class... and stood outside for 3 minutes, watching.  students scattered around, looking at various maps and keys.. iclickers set up and ready for class, the little british professor marching around the room... i was a bit early anyway right?  well, somewhere between south and east asia i managed to convince myself not to go to class. i did an about-face, and walked back to the car. in the rain. my mind was in a weird place, i felt unprepared, and disorganized. i cranked up the car and headed towards manchester... on the way i saw young woman walking towards the campus, pulling over, i offered her a ride... it was raining. it was raining hard. she climbed in and i asked her where she was headed... "my english class" - it was at least a 15 minute walk...  

as we drove back to the campus she started to talk about her day, and her walk... my school isn't in the best area of town - and she's an attractive girl. colombian exchange student.  she asked me what there was to do in this town... i laughed, "nothing... school, work, church, rinse, repeat..."  "church? where do you go to church? are you a christian?"    ....  after i dropped her off i started to think about the door... and about the community around me.  caleb talked to one of our customers the other day about how overlooked the international students are. not only in class, but when it comes to the church, when it comes to the christian groups on campus... i mean, they check in and check out... these people are only here for a semester or two... but it only takes a simple conversation, a moment of my time... or a car ride.

- - - - -

after i skipped out on my class and got some coffee, i went back home. i showered, and put on some makeup... heels, and a dress.  i forced my body to do these things.  there's something about dressing up that makes me productive. it forces my mind into a conscious state - conscious of how fast i'm walking, how much time i spend watching people, how much time i spend doing nothing at all.  i know that i have to stay focused, and i do... i don't know if this works for everyone, or if it's just a me thing... some things are, me things that is. 

after starting my day over, it went really well. i did well on the math test that i wasn't prepared for, and work went by fairly quickly... the random rain showers made for a slow day at a coffee shop... but it was nice, for once. i got off early and went to walmart... i kind of hate going into walmart at night.. but somehow i always find myself in there at 1am... this time for a cell phone charger...

i know i'm just rambling... 

- - - - -

i haven't "talked" to chris in 2 days...

it feels odd, but not out of place.

so i got home around 1, cleaned my room, overhauled my car, and washed all my laundry/linen things...  then i wrote a 4 page paper, took a shower, and went to work.... i got off work at 10, went to my english class at 11, and then ended up at veterans for two hours prior to my second shift today... i clocked in at 215, and i'll clock out at 1045, i've got to be back here at 630 in the morning.. and i dont catch a break until noon tomorrow, unfortunately that break is short-lived... i'm opening here on sunday as well... counting down the days until monday... atlanta.

i saw lizzie today, me and lizzie don't really talk much these days... just a quick hello whenever we happen to bump into one another... but we talked for about half an hour while she was here... she wanted to know how life was, and if i was getting pumped about heading back to oz... i told her that we had a lot of catching up to do... as i was clocking in and she was leaving, i told her that we should hang out... like friends or something. she grinned.

2 hours later i went on my ten... and had 3 unread messages from her. she's not doing well, and she told me that she almost "spilled her guts" to me, and would have had i not been heading into work... she's meeting me here tomorrow, and i'm taking her somewhere.. i dont know... she mentioned in her message that she needed someone to talk to that had been through their own crap and could handle some of hers - without passing judgment, and that she knew i was fully capable of that... she said that she needed a friend... she needed to talk. 

people need people

it's a fact

i feel guilty for this... i've been here all along... i should've called, taken some sort of initiative... i dont know. i know that i could've done something. i feel the same way with anna... i feel like i just picked up and left a crucial role that i was playing in each of their lives... that i abandoned them without warrant - in my heart i know that that's not the case, in fact, i know that i did what was right, i know these things... but that doesn't ease the feeling. it doesn't help.

i hope i'm not too late 

i hope that everything's okay

my stomach hurts

im going to eat dinner, 

and go back to work

jesus paid it all

all to you i owe...

sin had left a crimson stain

you... washed, me white as snow

i need to update... life is crazy good

i sign a lease on my first house in 8 days

christopher flies here in 28 days

this semester is over in 24 days

work

im working likes a maniac to get ahead for a few months... i want to be able to take some time off in june, as well as the five days in may... so i need to compensate now, instead of later. i didnt get either shift position that i "interviewed" for... and while i have my suspicions as to why... i'll just leave it at that for now. im learning to accept the things i cannot change - and if i want to stay in this job, that i love... then that's going to be part of it, for now. candice told me that i have a shift position at manchester in august... and that would be lovely, so i'll keep my sights on that for now..

school

my grades have dropped since midterms... which is no bueno. i need to take the time and discpline to reverse this terrible thing. today, is the day that it will happen - right after i finish this and make an extensive color-coded list of things to get done... awesome

i registered for all of my classes... i've got a really good schedule, and it's not too much... at the end of 2010 i'll have completed somewhere around 45 hours... so that'll be good... i'll also have my math and english requirements taken care of, as well as my health elective and sciences... all good things.

house

we got the house... after much heck and stress and not good feelings... after being called and told that we weren't accepted - twice... and after setting up three different time to do a walk through... we put down that deposit on tuesday, and we sign the lease a week from tomorrow... im moving out of my parents house... after dreaming and devising plans to do so for years... after escaping via summer trips and a semester in australia... im finally moving out. i am very excited for the next month of my life.

eating

i realized last night that i hadn't eaten all day... upon the realization i immediately made a sandwhich. this is not a good thing... i had been doing so well with my routine and such... everything was lovely.. but yesterday i slipped. and i have to take the proper steps and precautions to prevent that in the future...

also, which the upcoming visit in mind.. i have to try to distract myself from that in this area.. i know that i have the ability to lost 20lbs over the next 28 days - but it would leave me overworked, stressed, and just... physically unable to function in a way that would honor christ. which is no good. i have to focus on maintaining balance and moderation in my life... not psycho crash diets and/or sleepless nights.

so yeah.. i have more i could write... 

but i need to get to that list..

well then.. i've had a fairly
self-actualized day, hey

i really have nothing to say

- - - - -

hey jude

dont make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
remember to let her into your heart
then you can start to make it better

hey jude

don't be afraid
you were made to go out and get her
the minute you let her under your skin
then you begin to make it better

i never thought that this routine thing
was going to have an affect on other people

but, ive never seen my twelve year old little brother
actually excited to get up at seven am...

- - - - - 

(whilst looking at my schedule)

hey kaylin... what's this blue section mean?

it means "quiet time"...

oh, is that something you have to do alone?

i mean... not all of it...

and you do that at 640am?

yeah connor

okay

- - - - -

 and this morning?

we had yogurt and raisins together

and talked about jesus :)

i love that little boy

so i was researching stewardship today... and caught on to some homeschool-mom blogs.. its very interesting. there's an entire community - majority christian women... sharing everything from curriculum to recipes.. its very, old school. i like it. i dont know if i want to homeschool my kids... i suffered through it... begging to be in a classroom, but i am different. and, my parents are far different. things like this just make me wonder.. i liked her.

http://sbees.blogspot.com/

- - - - -

cs is getting big... i could probably classify him as cat now,
aside from my referring to him as 'kitten'...
he attacks everything, and eats my mother's coupons.
but she loves him... who wouldn't?

- - - - -

i dont know how well i did on my geography test yesterday...
i know i aced my algebra, just not sure about the other...
my study schedule has been out of whack as of late...
ive been trying to get more sleep, and in turn, less done..

so, back to stewardship.

i do a lot of things
not necessarily a lot of different thing...
just, a lot of time-eating things

i work 40 hours a week, at odd hours
im taking 14 hours of class
and i have heaps of homework

i want to have time to take connor skating... or cohen driving... i want to take photos and ride... i want to explore this waterfall that i found under an old bridge... i want to hang out at the mill and laugh, and currently, i haven't the space in my 'schedule'..

i contemplated joining the ROTC last week. my reasons were two-fold. i definitely wanted the uniform and the title, doing something that would not be expected.. but also, i recognize the need for structure and routine in my life... i need to have a constant. life isnt terrible this way.. it's just not lived to it's fullest.

in psychology we've been studying Maslow's Hiarchy of Needs... at the top, is self-actualization. the idea of what a person's full potential is and realizing that potential. (i should also mention that i dont know a lot about this topic that im basing my decisions on right now, but its more of an idea thing) Maslow describes this desire for "self-actualization" as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming.

“What a man can be, he must be”
^{-Abraham Maslow}

my definition is very basic, and broad, but from an individualistic standpoint - the need is quite specific. id est... "one guy may have the strong desire to become an ideal parent, another guy may express his need athletically, and still another may choose painting, pictures, or engineering".

i wish i had my notes... but from what i understand, under the category of "self-actualization" there are different facets of how that 'need' plays out in someone's life... they include everything from acceptance and privacy.. to understanding the world...

all of this to say, while no, i may not have "mastered" the other "needs.. but this idea of coming into one's full potential is something that i haven't thought much about. i get good grades, i work hard, i call my grandparents... but what do i do at my "full-potential"...? probably not much.


i also want to write about balance.. and not letting myself "burn-out" in one or more areas of my life... i want to write about how my perception of self-actualization has to apply to every facet of your life to have a positive affect... and i want to draw a line to the bible, and stewardship.. i want to write about God's plan for my life and how maturing in him is learning balance... i want to write about analogies of a balance beams vs a titerope.. and how hard this is for me.

i have a lot of thoughts..
and have had them for awhile...
but i have to go to the next thing
i'll be back

my precious Son, i hear them screaming
im watching the face of the enemy beaming
but soon i will clothe you in robes of my own
jesus, this hurts me much more than you know
but this dark hour i must do nothing
though ive heard your unbearable cry
the power in your blood destroys all of the lies
soon youll see past their unmerciful eyes
look there below, see the child
trembling by her fathers side
now i can tell you why
she is why you must die

- - - - -

reminds me of being a kid,
sitting on the bus singing, crying
choir tours were big for me

i met a lovely man named dave tonight...
he had never been to starbucks.

i helped him log on to the wifi,
and gave him his caramel macchiato for free...

and then we talked about his sick mother,
and how he was from sarasota...
but he was born in bangkok.

i told him a bit about australia,
and he told me stories of thailand...


he told me that i should just transfer to sarasota and live with him... keep him company. i thought about it. but then i thought that i should finish out the semester first... being a student and all. it just wouldnt work.
he told me that i need not learn, study, or further my education..
but just 'live life' in florida... be young. while i can...

i told him that i had to go back to work
and that i might take him up on his offer the next time he's in town...

but, he was a lovely old man...