i wore jeans to church.
&& sat in the balcony.




God forbid.

--woke up early rolliiinn outa bed grabbed my hoodie and keys.
i could hear yellin before i could find my toothbrush.
geez. grow up people.


--michelle sounded stinkin amazing on her solo... lindsey's was ok too.
ok. so i'm staying in choir. but i think i'm dropping team.
i'm not good at it... so i don't enjoy it. && no one else does either.




i need a car.
i need a job.
fast.


i feel_ fiiiine.
*smile*

so even though this blog is like...
'secret'

i still don't write everything i would like...
i still limit. i still have places where
i wouldn't dare to have you guys venture.


things i couldn't share... even though if i wanted...
that's sad. maybe that's why the worlds mad...
because everyone keeps to themselves.

... i wonder if there's anybody out there who doesn't care.
someone who truly is there self all the time.


really? ....i mean, of course there is.
there's got to be at least one.



i remember when i was a kid...
and things were easier.. carefree.
my hopes consisted of being a vet and getting zebra gum at lewis jones.

i'm still a kid... i hope. i know.
now i'm just a mixed up kid.


i can't imagine being completely carefree...
as in not self_conscious...






ugh. i feel_ reflective.

but there's an i in pie
so there's an i in meat-pie
and meat is team backwards.

so there.

....


so i'm on worship team sunday.

khaki and white.
why pj? why...?


ugh.




anyway... we won't have internet at the house until the 25th
so i haven't blogged much.
but i will i promise...
soon.


meanwhile - i know i've gotta eat...
and i am, i'm sick of getting sucked in
-- just to get spit out.

because deep down i know that it's wrong.
and i don't need to weigh 98lbs again.
but i like it.

i'm twisted.





..... ugh.



i feel_ spent.

we wonder why black and white photos capture our soul...
i think it's because without color, we aren't drawn to the makeup,
and color of our eyes, or our hair, or how tan our skin is.

black and white captures the innocence on ones face
and the hurt they've gone through to feel vulnerability.
the glow we see comes from the inside.

brightening our eyes, our skin, and our smile.
it grabs the truth that liberates us.



------

i have to say i love it.



i feel_ understood.

..almost.

after two weeks of asking my Dad...

"don't you think if we went ahead and moved out
we'd get this work done and sell the house faster"

...and getting lectured, because "I just don't understand"
- we're moving. hha. he annoys me allot.
all Matt had to say was -

"hey, you think ya'll could go ahead and get
some of this stuff outa the way? you know...
so it's easier to get around and work?"


and presto. moving truck.
=P

well, not really...
he's supposed to get it today though.



i feel_ ignored.

ok. so i figure there's basically no way to quit church.

lol... i never was going to actually quit church....
just everything that's like, extra.
but now, i'm pretty sure i'll just stay in everything.
why not, eh?

*goes to read and sleep*

not.
weelll.... maybe for a little bit.

i feel_ odd.

you know that dream where you wake up & your heart's
beating so fast you can barely tell if it's in your chest....?

i quite often have these.

tonight i died. in my sleep.
woke up too scared to scream.



i feel_ shocked.

moving...






i feel_ ugh.

i believe, you're my healer...
nothing is impossible for you...
you hold my world in your hands.

church was good. all 3 services actually...
the 12:30 started today.
- i liked it.

i think it was more intimate...
but it could just be because of less people.
idk... but i liked it.

trying to decide if i should stay in choir...
or worship team...
or if i should even start youth choir...

i'm sick of youth service.
i feel like a kid in there.
and that's a pretty immature thing for me to say....
but it's true.



i feel_ like a letdown.

my blog is mumbo jumbo.
all mixed up and crazy-like-yeah.
it's needs tidying.

like my thoughts...
but i'm not sure how to do it.
i need a quick restart...
a system restore.

something...
anything.


i feel_ confused.

the thing you always count on crumbles.
&& it kinda sucks.

everything else is already shifting.
can't trust things these days.
ha.

it's just unsettling i suppose.
shuffles my mind deck so to speak.
i don't mind... // i don't think i mind anyway.
i'm just confused about everything.

so i guess i can finally say i'm a teenager.
my thoughts are in shambles.



i feel_ discombobulated.

driving home. just me and mr lang.
windows down. cruise control on.
stars outside, the wind like a blanket.
the smell of smoke... far away.
thinking about that one boy...

a chance to breathe while sitting at a red light
you look around reflecting on your life


i feel_ infinite.