we joined today.
i work out soon.





its raining and ive forgotten to care
everything is compulsive; so fast
notes of music take on a life of their own
spinning cursive slants through my mind
the world is a blur of feelings and inhibitions
im running in it all, getting nowhere
it's pouring and ive forgotten to care

is this the first photo you ever saw of me?
was this my default when you 'found' me?


this is my new goal, at least this.
im sick of being lazy. im tired of being sad.
look how little my waist was, and even then,
i was still unhappy. ive got files of old photos,
old "status pics" - and they all make me sad.

typing. im in a sallow mood... when i get bored, or im not busy, i tend to be sad. right now i have so many things on my mind... work, school, getting into school, church work, trying to get out of church work, church, not going to church. etc.


i found out a fairly close friend is probably out
popping pills, smoking, and getting drunk.
and the thought of that saddens me.


i feel like if i havent made an impact on her,
then whats the point? if she cant see.. then why even go to church?
why even make an effort to live a righteous life?

and it makes me sick to think of the leadership positions she's been put into. and the people that look up to her... what if they knew? i mean, not that she shouldn't have been given those roles, but i would have thought she was better than that





idk... im just rambling.. im tired. and i need to do laundry.
i love my job, but its so draining having to smile for hours straight.
i really miss pastor jason, allot, in fact, it's kind of pathetic.
yesterday chelsea said "you know guys, he doesn't even miss us"
and that hurt. and even though i know it's not true... it still hurts.


ps//im pretty sure sallow means yellow... or sick...
or maybe it's a tree? but it fits today.

my last post was foggy, when i read it - it makes perfect sense...
but my mind mind fills in the spaces from sentence to sentence
so it's not quite so broken. thus while i get it... readers wouldn't.

oh well.


i've got a mandatory brusters meeting tomorrow at 9am...
blech. i have no clue what it's about.


ive also got a headache.


i cleared off my myspace,
and deleted all my friends,
facebook, finally converted to i have.

i often contemplate driving, driving until i reach the skyline. to that place where the sky touches the earth. in a sense - the end, completion, a goal reached... i find myself wishing i didn't have to continue on this monotonous journey that seemingly leads to nowhere. its like im stuck in this repetitive state of mind, work school church... im tired of it. where does it end? when did it start? why did i end up here, in this life? what's my purpose in this place? and not only do i want to know the 'whys' in life, but i want to know the 'ifs'... i want to see other things, i want to know different mindsets. i want to be deep without sounding shallow. i want to learn to be humble. i want to know what it is to be real. i want to live without premeditated conversations, and foreseen events.

i want to be spontaneous,
without becoming unglued and disheveled...


[there's one word that means
"unglued and disheveled" and i cant think of it]
speaking of which, that is the definition of this post.

With fifteen cans of spray paint and a chemical swirl
She's standing in the ashes at the end of the world

im jealous of the person who thought that.
i want to think in rhymes again.
i want to think in emotion.

i have been using an awful lot of degreaser.
and i have an awful lot of waffle iron burns.
but i like my job, an awful lot.

i like conversing with people who dont go to church.
i like listening to them talk about their lives,
so different from mine.

"kaylin, you smile too much, why do you smile so much?"

idk what to do for my 200th post.
so here it is... special eh?

my knees hurt.
why do your knees hurt kaylin?
because i was crawling on them.
oh yeah? why would you do that?
i was polishing the inside of bruster's cabinets.
oohhhh, i see.
yeah.
eh


so, yeah, i polished cabinets or most of my shift
personally i think it's because i was the
youngest/shortest/lightest one on today.
ick. but i had fun... actually :D

im coloring my hair soon. yay me.

but not any "unnatural color such as pink green, or blue"
because then i would be subject to immediate termination.
alas, darker it shall be soon.


pastor kevin went sky diving.
that's pretty much way cool.
i want to go sky diving.

my father broke his second iphone.
i have to laugh about this, to myself of course.

i got new shoes, new balance grant. :)
but i only got them because i had to.

im getting tan, and i like it allot.
i bought "through painted deserts"
the first chapter is good.

i worked with two gay guys,
and one whiny woman last night.

i like my job,
i wish i knew everything,
but im not afraid to say
"i dont know"
...and i definitely said it
allot.

im supposed to go in to church today,
but i haven't talked to ron to verify,
so im waiting on some form of communication.

i keep waking up w/out my retainer in.
i swear, my teeth will stay straight,
even if i have to wire that thing in.

ive got beautiful friends.

i got my uniform and paperwork today.
and honestly, im kind of excited. :D


i have to go get a permit tomorrow though... eh.

she likes him an awful lot, but God says no
and there's no superficial reason for the no
on the outside... he seems fine

so then, why the no?


idk.
as far as im concerned, he will never be good enough for her.
but... then again, i dont think anyone is good enough.

thus, i must try to be objective.


overall - he's a sweet kid,
he gets good grades,
doesn't drink or smoke,
i mean, he is a christian...
and he goes to church,
his dad was a pastor...

but his devotion to God,
just pales next to lizzie.
she's amazing.

sorry about that last post,
it was a little monotonous.
but i had to sort myself out :)

hannah montana is amazing some days.
other days it's jon foreman.
diverse eh?

i interviewed at brusters today...
they offered me the job,
i told them i'd call 'em.

which i did -and left a message.
i need a job, and i like the smell.

lol :)



-----

i want to write here, not just type.
but i feel like i dont have anywhere to pull my words from.

i need to update,
and even thought i need sleep more
...im here, typing away


let's categorize loves. :)



work:

i like working at the church, but i dont like getting paid for hours im not actually working... i want to know that i worked, like, actually worked that many hours. i dont mind being paid or hours that i was just "there" but i'll appreciate it more if i work.

kirby asked me last week if ron was looking for someone to work part-time, and since, honestly i didn't know... that's what i told her. ron told me tonight kirby has been hired to work w/ jason, grant, and ron. which is totally cool. in fact, i wouldn't mind if ron fired me... but alas, he says i haven't been cut and this shouldn't affct me in any way whatsoever. which i guess is cool.

however, this whole office thing is getting to me.
i can't do it. i just need a corner with an outlet.


"i would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself,
than be crowded on a velvet cushion -thoreau


i have fallen into an awful sort of like with the new starbucks...
i think i might marry it. i dropped off an application there,
brusters, and monkey joes (new concept for me... never thought about playing with kids to make money, could be fun) i need a summer job with more hours, and summer is fast approaching. :)


school:

i need to wrap it up
tie up my loose ends
so i can go to hchs
but im not going to
if my mom cant help me
and shes always working


friends:

foster: has a boyfriend and its weird. but too cute.
cronin: is distant, often on restriction, and graduating soon.
lizzie: cant have him, and that make me sad for her.
chels: is in an awful tangled up knot of emotional actions.
hannah: needs/wants to go to school soon.

God:

hes way cool but im not doing what i should be.
so i spend my time either thinking about what i need to do
or feeling guilty because i havent done it.

kyle:

he freaked me out tonight when he came to church. it was weird.

food: eh.

etc: tired.