oh!

i almost forgot

jason and bobbie jo are sickly cute
im incredulously jealous

but im okay with that

and nate? we talked on the phone last night. we came to the conclusion that neither one of us wanted to have a relationship right now because i'm going to australia. whic makes perfect sense. and he also came to the conclusion that he wouldn't mind having a "little bit of fun" with me, before i left. i suggested monopoly, tag, dodgeball.. et cetera

ha, but he's a sweet kid
a very cute, guitar-playing sweet kid
but apparently... not my type
that's not my style, ya know?

he wants to take me camping.

not

my left hand fingers are calloused
its kind of cool, makes me feel accomplished
it also hurts, like the dickens

im having surgery on my other foot in a few weeks... i have an appointment on monday to get a for sure date. it sucks though... i mean, i'll have to quit my jobs early, and i'll be stuck around the house instead of out fundraising.

i backed into a cement wall yesterday, in my parents car. crushed in the back left side of the bumped, and busted the taillight. they're upset, not super im-gonna-kill-you upset. but definitely we're-gonna-make-you-feel-guilty-about-this-for-the-rest-of-your-life upset. just another reason to keep me confined to the house. thank God i get to work tonight.. with travis :)

my eating habits have been rather odd as of late. i had a grilled chicken salad for lunch though, so maybe that will counter some of the horrid things i've been consuming. yesterday all i had to eat was lemon drops, lemon drops, black coffee, and diet coke.

i love taking pictures, i already have two more paying jobs lined up. those prom photos were just the thing.. my grandmother messaged me on fbook to tell me how much she liked them... weird. but, im proud of them, i am. and im proud of my guitar progress. guitar is very fun to play, even if it hurts. i can play lots now.. but i suck at strumming, i cant figure that part out for the life of me. so i just make up little plucking things and play those, they're cute :)

i found out that my friend jordan is failing out of csu.. like, she's failing all her classes. i knew that she wasn't doing amazingly, and that she dropped one class. but i did not know that she was failing all her classes. apparently her mom found out, and was rather upset. im sorry for her.. but hey, i mean, you reap what you sow eh?

anybody want to donate 10,000 dollars to send kaylin to Australia? come on.. pocket change. ha, i wish.. but God will provide.. i've seen him do it so many times. i trust him, even though i am a bit ancy. my father has this immaculate plan for raising funds, with gold. idk.. something about having a concert and getting everyone to being their old gold scraps. we'll see...

i can think of anything else to say right now
oh! my long board should come in next week.. im so excited.

but yeah

peace

i am a child, a small dependent child. like a baby i search and search quite blindly, for what im looking for. but quite unlike the babe, i search with eyes open wide. eyes open to everything around me. picture after picture song after rhyme, i continue the game. pouring myself out into endless avenues of selfishness, i show my age. empty complements and prying people constitute the continuation of self-loathing and inner-discontent, searching. looking for a reason, a purpose, a sound. a single, sane, reason, to be. passion. eyes wide open, bright, yet my small perceptive outlook so closed. dark, blind. not wanting to skip a beat i run, running down the streets. turn after twist.. each new beginning, just ending suddenly. quite suddenly. ending in dark cars, in dark neighborhoods, in the arms of a dark face. the face is blank, wanting nothing but a physical touch, a small connection to make themselves feel. feeling, numb. i wake up, running, without abandon. crying. tears streaming down my makeup-covered face. i see ahead, examples of righteousness and love. people, men, women, children! all selfless, purposeful, pure and peaceful. asking myself, what next? what now? i want that. i lust after their peace. i want passion, i want peace. i want love. love, "love is an action" i want a tangible love, a passionate reality. i want to feel everything. i want to cry. i want rain. i want to be content with life. such a contradiction. thunder. passion at its finest, the brink of light... shivering i sit outside, sirens. tornados and thunderstorms, me in shorts and a tanktop. numb to the cold. breath in slowly, staring at the ground, tears. crying because i dont know what's next. crying from the inside-out, my soul and inner-self. i can feel myself giving up, i know i am. my mind is in knots. my thoughts are twisted, skewed, and mangled. my desires have shifted. applied desires anyway.. i just want a cigarette, i just want a coffee press and pack of smooths. i dont want to be bothered. i dont want to be loved, or cared for.. looked after. i want to be alone, content, and passionate. life doesn't work the way i want it to. manipulation. with a new-founded tenacity and vigor i climb, i run.. i speak. telling my deepest secrets and ripping open old wounds. tearing at the scars i realize how broken i am, how far ive gone. its too late, too late for this. just forget it. start over.. there's no sense in going back, look forward - chin up. manipulation, im in control, i control my life. i convey new feelings. i start over. new canvas. where to start? ive done the body thing. physically mutilating myself until bare and broken "perfection, is met not, when there is nothing left to add; but when there is nothing left to take away." thoughts, drowning, up and down. nicotine. inhale, high on life and incredulously focused. everything works. like oil to the machine. my mind functions, eyes open and helping. my body and brain finally working collaboratively. secrets, lies, deceit, finale. bang. no, i cant.. i cannot be dependent and i cannot lie. i tell, i tell all. and everything now? everything is back to the run, the search, the battle... everyday i wake up and ask myself "do you really want to eat today?" "just one cigarette.. one wont hurt, eh?" "just run kaylin no one will miss you" everyday is another day of discontent. peace less. work is my haven, school, a creative outlet, home is like hell.
life is a circle, and i want to get off. crying.

i dont know if im cut out for this whole christianity thing
im being completely serious, ive been sitting in my room crying for half an hour
i was raised in this.. i dont know anything else

i slowly finding though, that this isnt for me.. the gossip, the hate.. the endless banter of family against family. who has the best kids? the best attendance? the best worship style? i cant do it. its not worth it. people in church are the worst about it.. they come in on sunday morning, dressed to the nines, clean, lovely children in tow. they raise their hands at just the right angle, during the pre-chorus of course, and cry holy during the fade out. they open their clean, un-worn bibles, pull out a smooth tablet, and neatly right out the points the pastor preaches. they laugh at the jokes that aren't all that funny. and they insert an "amen" whenever the pastor pauses. and then, after all the tears and prayer is over, after all the kleenex are disposed.. they all get together and head over to the favorite restaurant of the week... its all a freaking sham.

lunch conversation is quite a collaboration... it starts with the weather of course. but then, we move on to more important things. johnny's having an affair with joe's wife, and joe knows.. but doesn't seem to mind. fred's kids can't stay out of trouble... little jerry is in juvy for the 3rd time, and rachel's growing up.. sleeping with her boyfriend and smoking crack. jerry would probably have a chance though... that is, if little jack's mom didnt smoke weed and gives it freely to any youth that want. then the food comes, and everyone digs in. 4 -5 plates get sent back to the kitchen of course, apparently sandra's taco wasn't brown enough, and jake's meat as overcooked. its cool though... oh! catie said, that jamie said, that jane said, that ali said, that kaylin wasn't going to the beach because she's going to hell and doesn't want to hang witht the holy-rollers. and have you heard? callie told mary that the reason she wasn't being healed of her cancer? was because she had defiled her body and cursed it. mary's upset and goes to kendall.. who tells her that callie's probably right. why else would God not heal you right? i mean.. obviously, if someone's sick its because of something they've done. duh.. its punishment.

i dont know guys.. and i dont really care
this is a wash, its all crap

at least, i had the balls to own it. you know? i dont go to church on sundays and act completely different than any other time.. im consistent. i screw things up.. consistently. i get into trouble.. i sin, a lot. i dont have any problem telling anyone anything that i've done wrong - and/or what i've learned or gotten out of it. i dont have a problem being transparent. my problem, is that i dont know enough about myself to know how to cope with all the other. this community is screwed up. its not supposed to be like this.

but, this is all i know
this is what ive grown up around
this is how its always been
i couldnt bring kids up in this

but then.. all i know, is that i've come to love a Saviour, and come to know his love for me. and that's all i have. im so sick of church. im so sick of people that "care" about me. im tired of community. i hate it.. i hate people checking up on me. i hate it when people cant talk to me, and they feel like my issues are a conversation topic. and, i cannot handle the disappointment factor, i cant handle accountability. im not enough for that.

i cant do this
i love church too much to hate it
but... im going to have to think about this

i need to blog
maybe tonight...


its finally sinking in that im going to australia
travis leaves to back to orlando may first
im pretty upset about it

i dont know what to write about anymore
my life is such a monotonous bore

i like nate, he's a cute boy

other than that
life is.


*for timeline reasons*

this week was the first week i drove to griffin alone
thursday night, on the phone with anna, she got in a wreck
broke her pelvis/pubic bones, and slashed her forehead open

i was really, really scared

justin told me that i look pretty everyday
and it made me very happy and smiley

i hit a car today
a brand new jeep compass
i got out to exchange information
and chris davis, the driver of the car,
on receiving my phone number,
and telling me he wasn't worried about the paint damage
he told me "i should call him sometime"

and that was that