self.

this whole thing has become incredibly selfish.
and ive known this for awhile.

im not trying to be selfish. but it looks that way.
im not trying to be the little girl who needs attention
-- because she cant help herself.

thats why i changed my url.
and i dont know if ill give it back to her...
i cant do that to her. i need a place to vent.
and she needs to know that i dont need a vent.
she wants me to be okay. so i'll be okay.

i know she already knows allot.
but i think eventually she'll forget and move on.
if i wait it out, it'll be okay with us.

as far as pj... i dont know if hes getting the url either.
hes starting the on the same tangent as michelle.
"youre not being careful.. and youre doing it with someone i really like"

if i maintain, and smile, and act it out right. then i can do it.
i just have to be careful. -- yesterday we were talking about lies.
i lie allot, i lie about everything.. and i lie to cover up my lies.
and i lie to deceive people into thinking im not a good liar.

"me and pj aren't as stupid as you think, you cant fool us"
well, you know what? thats not true.
because if i didn't tell them what was going on --
if i didn't choose to let them in. -- then we wouldn't be here.

-----

i didnt set out to hurt other people.
and i still dont understand why they care.
i mean as long as i maintain my weight -- i thought they wouldnt mind.
evidently i am incorrect.

why do they care...? i mean really.
my body is just that -- my body.

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austins bridge is amazing,
its not like i love their music.
and im not some justin rivers fanatic.
i love their heart.

pray for them. they're going through some crap.
especially jason... and mike.

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pj's on vacation.
im glad he got to go.
but ill be gladder when he gets back.

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im not going to the doctor.