opus 410

made my first mutually beneficial friend

never make mutually beneficial friends unless a) they live in your country b) theyre of the same sex... or c) you intend on marrying them. sharing that much deep conversation with someone is different than just, listening to that much deep thought, opinion, and experience... listening to god and directly other people to him is good... but this thing? its just, different.

being mentored and having mentors are good value, accountability and being discipled... also incredible things - when done correctly... unrestrained and without hesitation? not taking into account any of the obvious flaws in the system? not so much. guys, i screwed this one up. i can spit out these fact over and over again... but when will i live out my information from my heart? when will i learn that knowledge is useless without gods word, his leading...

this type of relationship should be reserved for married couples, and jesus. i almost feel like i've violated something by taking conversation to that level, so often, so hard, so fast... guarding your heart? we should have done that - not talked about it. yes, it was comfortable, yes it was safe... but it wasnt. being that vulnerable isnt good if it's only temporary. pouring yourself out and taking another in... its like melting to worlds together and then trying to separate the wax... like two candles sitting beside each other, the hotter they get, the longer the burn, the more often you light the wick.... the more likely they are to meld. dont ever settle for a temporary meld... its impossible to separate without taking part of that other person with you, and without leaving part of you heart behind....

when will i learn to align my desires with his?

when i learn that losing my life, is finding it?

when will i consider my emotions,

my flesh, heart, and humanity,

before the aftermath?

so many more words i could type

i hope i havent ruined things

that i still have a friend

...

so much more...

so less dramatic though

just comfortable

and easy...

i feel_ severed.