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playing a game with someone i didn't even know. 

i took the dog everywhere with me, it's become quite the little habit... he likes the attention, and i like(d) the distraction. friday was fine, after much debating and little decision making (which continued through the course of the weekend) we headed downtown... parked behind fountain city, and start walking... we went down the river walk, over the state line, and back to the car... we walked for an hour and a half. i still didn't know how to treat chris, and i told him that. i didn't know whether to flirt with him, or treat him like connor... showing him around town. i wrestled with that chasm in my mind for majority of the time chris was here, i knew how i felt about him, i know him fairly well i would think... but not vice versa. we left downtown and went to manchester for dog water and passion tea. brent and aiden came in shortly after us, and stayed out on the patio for a bit. brent was good for conversation, and he came up with a few ideas of what to do next, i felt lost. i wasn't used to not being around people that know me. the american girl that my mother has brought me to be felt obligated to entertain him. but i just wanted to sit in the kitchen, drink coffee and sort things out. i wanted him to talk to me.

"so... have you decided if i'm pretty or not?"  ... "no". oh, awesome.

sidenote: thursday night we went to brave heart rock. im connected to that place for many reasons, namely being andrew... betsy... lolly... it was the first place i ever smoked, and it was the first place where i ever felt like someone outside of my family truly cared for me. i shouldn't have taken chris there, then. i should've waited, should've should've should've... doesn't matter much now, it's a pretty place. we went swimming there a few days ago, it's lovely and secluded, dirty and wonderful...

friday we eventually got around to finishing up gladiator and buying groceries... we went to clearview for lunch, where i discovered that barbque was different in georgia, to chris's dismay. caleb went with us, he was good company. when he got to my house prior to lunch he hugged me, i needed him to hug me... because he knows me.  immediately he asked me what was wrong... and i honestly didn't know, i just know that i felt alone. and small. still. i honestly don't know when that changed, when i felt he was actually my friend, i could narrow it down to monday night, i could say that until we were challenged together, that everything was mechanical... but i think it was before that, i hope it as before that... chris hugged me good night on friday. which was a comfort, i felt like i wasn't completely insane. walmart for groceries was interesting.. i just followed the boy around, watching him pick apples and decide on juice... it was enlightening. i often wonder about the guys in walmart, buying food that's good for them, by themselves. too often they're there for beer and sugar... it's comforting to know that some of guys i see in walmart have a decent hold on life... chris bought groceries, and a skillet for pancakes. him buying things.. felt awkward. im not used to it, im not used to any of this... but that small part of the equation had a weird vibe to it. im not sure why... gladiator was a good movie, not a favorite, but a good film nonetheless.

saturday morning i met amanda early for coffee.
we talked about her life, about caleb, and about the last few days...

"do you think it'll work? do you think he's right?"
"i honestly don't know babe, i don't know him here. he doesn't know me here. this visit and our relationship haven't combined.  it feels like i just met him, still... i pray a lot"...
"you always pray a lot"..

she smiled, it's true.

we went back to my house after, chris was just getting up and he made pancakes. he hugged amanda in the kitchen, and i would say, that i was jealous.. but i wasn't.  i hadn't made made any definitive decisions on who he was, and that just added another thing to the discard pile... after amanda left, we went to cooper creek... it as good for the pup, and i had a good time. i still don't know how chris felt about his visit here.. i wonder sometimes, i wonder what he was thinking when i dragged him down the hill into someone's backyard.. i wonder what was going through his mind when he was stuck in the sun, getting burned. i wonder what he thought when i was giving my puppy a bath in the front yard... i dont know. eventually we ended back up at the house for lunch, i didnt eat anything... still full from pancakes. 

i'm a little mixed up on how the timeline went from here, i know that we went to the driving range with caleb... which, all in all, was fun. i had never even held a golf club.. and chris was good. caleb made me laugh...i also know that we went to the lake house... chris and just drove out there.. i wanted to show him things. we went swimming... at first i hesitated. i wasn't comfortable around him... but i decided to go for it... he was leaving tuesdaycaleb texted me to say he was on his way, and then my phone died. i climbed out of the water and went into the house... chris started to tell me a story about a guy taking his shorts off, but i stopped him, went inside, and changed clothes. caleb got there shortly thereafter... where i got another much needed hug... he assured me that everything was going to be okay... which i needed. we went to the store, bought things to make chili.. and then i watched chris cook for a bit... good food, good times. we headed back to the house, changed clothes, and met grant for coffee.

i had missed grant, it was good to see him. we sat outside at veterans for awhile... just chatting about different things... it was comfortable. 

...

i should eat