today was the last day of classes, for the semester. im not sure what all of my grades will be... i still have a few finals, but i'm glad it's over. the last section of my life has been intense.
i dont know where to start...
things are good, life is good. i paid the rent today, and the power... we go to pick up some furniture tomorrow, and i am in a very strong like with my house... i like to pay bills. i like to budget, i like to figure things out... i liked shopping around for internet today, i like playing with the system... i like to be in control, and independent. this is going to be a good year.
caleb and amanda broke up yesterday... it's been a few weeks in the making, but i've tried to convince myself that it wouldn't happen, i try to believe that movies are real, and things really do work out for couples like them... but, as i've seen 2nd hand over the last few months, being unguarded and naive to what God is telling you leads you to... brokenness. i sat with amanda last night on my porch, talking it all out. she feels relieved, and "free". i told her that i wasn't aware that she wasn't... free, that is. she said that, to a certain extent... she wasn't either. i don't want to convince myself that a person is the right one for me. i don't want to get 6 months into a relationship, and realize that everything was wrong... i know that if i seek God, in everything, and just keep doing what i'm doing... then everything will work out, for the good. regardless of whether i think "the good" is right, i have to faith that His plan is legit... and i'm learning.
cohen called me today, crying.
my biggest worry is that he wont heal correctly. i fear that his heart wont be able to take anymore... and shut down. im learning form my little brother's mistakes... i'm spending the day with him tomorrow... it will be good, for both of us. i feel honored, he called me first. he knows that i have nothing but love and grace for him... he knows that i'm not going to ask him a hundred questions... or tell him everything he's done has been trite, or meaningless. i earnestly seek to understand him, and his situation... i value that boy... like no other. im just worried... i prayed today, i prayed all day. i prayed for brokenness... i want restoration and healing. for everyone in my life. im tired of seeing hearts break, i'm tired of holding people... and i don't say that in a "i'm over it" way. i say that because i know a life of wholeness, and completeness in christ... "i have the very best"
these people, all of these people that i talk about... the ones i live with, work with, grew up with... they have been exposed to similar things that i have... they've sat in some of the same pews, heard the same sermons... but it's such a terribly differently outcome. i'm not dodging people that make mistakes... i understand mistakes... boy do i... but, i just... my heart can't handle it, i can't handle broken people, i just want to invite them into my house... i want to help. i try, boy do i try... but ultimately, God is the only one who has the capacity to heal... if i get to be a tool in the process, then sign me up. im more than willing... but they have to come to a realization of wholeness in god... a wholeness that is unattainable through any worldy means...
i have no storyline, no plot, no climax
i just... i dont know...
"there is a voice, crying out
for the ones who walk alone
the widows, the orphans,
the slaves, the broken,
will find their hope.
the captive, the fallen,
the children, forgotten,
will be made whole,
in You."
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