i've written chris 27 letters since the beginning of march. he's seen... one. i don't know why i haven' sent them, i don't what i'm putting it off for. the letter writing could probably account for my lack of posting here... but it's "whatev" hey?
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i fall more in like with this christopher character everyday. at first, i couldn't understand it... he's unlike any guy i've ever liked, stereotypical and unique in so many ways. the story is long, and i wish that i had written throughout this entire process, but i didn't. so that is that. currently, we're at a sort of stand still.. which, i have to admit, while particularlly frustrating, it's a good thing.
this entire situation is new to me, every conversation sheds a new light on what it is that i'm embarking on. i'm learning. i feel like i'm walking on eggshells in this new sphere, well, not quite... running on eggshells. dancing, that's better, i feel like im dancing on eggshells... and they break, and we put them back together. it's good that way. i think.
i want to take this part and ponder a bit about each aspect of the 'situation' that puzzles me... that's made me question things, that's allowed me to grow into the position i'm in... but i don't know if i could fully articulate those things. which makes me not want to start at all... but i need to... i need to process things.. i need to type things out.. i need to. but, i also need to sleep.. so here we go.
love
love is a big word, i word that i say often, carelessly, flippantly even. however, it carries a lot of weight in the context that we're in. thursday may eighteenth, i told chris that i loved him. i do love him, honest. i've never told a boy that i loved them. i wouldn't say that to someone unless i intended for it to be the last time i had to weigh the ramifications of it. of course i'd thought about it prior, i even told him not to tell me that he loved me, because i didn't want to be faced with the decision to say say it back. chris told me that he loved on may eighteenth, and i said it back, with every ounce of earnest i had. the airport was a weird experience, looking back i think i would've kept things differently, i would've stayed until he boarded, i would've stayed until they made me leave... but i didn't, i left, i went home... i cried on the way to the car. i'd never cried for a boy before, especially not a boy that i wasn't dating. but i did. not hard, just tears... tears that i couldn't stop. tears that came from somewhere that i had never felt before. i thought back to the stress of last summer... standing in a parking lot, not wanting to leave the country... crying. i dont often cry over things that don't involve God, directly... i cried multiple times while chris was here, i haven't sorted out what that means, except, i'm connected.
sometimes i wonder if i've bitten off more than i can chew.. and the answer is yes, naturally. i'm learning to leave things up to God, regardless of the outcome. which is incredibly hard. i like to know that i have some sort of control over my current situation... i like to have some sort of independence in all of it.. but i can't, i depending on God, and i'm depending on Chris... it's harder for me to depend on Chris, as arbitrary as that may sound. i trust him, i do... but i still have reservations... which is natural.
i love him, and i want to see things work out for the best, for the best, for the kingdom... regardless of the stereotypical ring that the statement has, the kingdom, is important to me. i want to see God do incredible things, and to the best of my ability, i want to be an instrument in that process. when i get to the end, i want Him to look at me and say that i did my best. i know i've screwed up, i know i've crossed lines, and i know i've blurred boundaries, but i've picked up the pieces... and i aim to do "my best" with this second, third, fourth, fifth chance. marrying Chris is a decision that is "bigger than i know"... yes, it's bigger than i know, but it's bigger than anything else that i know, which means it's the biggest. it's huge. i'm okay with that, i'm happy with that. i'm excited about the next few months... they will be incredibly difficult, i miss chris. terribly. although i miss him, i've had to come to terms with the fact that things might not work out, i might not ever see him again, he may never kiss me, i might not marry him... and in order to come to terms with something that big, i have to go through something bigger, biggest. God is the only reason i've been able to do this, without Him... i don't know where i'd be... my emotional stability would have shattered for sure. i can't control this, i'm not controlling this, i'm just along for ride... i am but a vessel. a carrier of the things that He has spoken to me, things that He has put in my heart.
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i picked Chris up from atlanta airport on may 13th. i wore heels... i shouldn't have worn heels, and i shouldn't have worn so much makeup. i wanted to "dress to impress", but i was beyond stressed. i couldn't stay on the road on the way home, and i got lost, multiple times. i felt like a failure, i felt intimidated and small. i felt like everything i did fell through, and that my plans were but dreams... "fairy tales don't always come true" is the last thing brent told me before i left... but i forced it, i wasn't natural, i was manipulative and dry. i was disconnected from everything that i was feeling, and my mind couldn't handle it. my soul isn't used to be cut off. i tried to cut off all emotion.. i wasn't even smiling in the airport... i was cold, and wanted to be elsewhere.
when we finally arrived at 2821 beacon avenue, it was hott. we didn't get air conditioning until last week, and while i was okay.. Chris was drowning in humidity and husky. we changed clothes and laid on the floor... trying to decide what to do... i had a list of things to do, to show him, things i wanted to share... but it went out the window before we even had a decent conversation. the ride home felt out of place, i was freezing on the inside. after a few errands we ended up at pho vy for vietnamese food, i paid for dinner, and Chris was quiet... he was in "observation mode" for the first few days he was here... on top of the fact that he doesn't talk much on the average occasion, i felt alienated. thursday night i had 7 missed calls and text messages... facebook notification and missed skype appointments... everyone wanted to know hoe i was doing... and how he was... but no one could understand, i tried to explain myself to grant, late thursday night... but i couldn't i couldn't work through it in my head, i was disconnected. im leaving out important details concerning my parents, and the rest of columbus, but that's not what this post is about. we watched gladiator thursday night, and i fell asleep... i hadn't slept in a few days.. and i felt like i was colliding with reality.. i was drained, on many different levels.
i didn't know where boundaries were.. i hugged chris in the airport... an awkward side-hug... as he was holding on to his luggage, and i was out of place... i didn't know if i could touch him. i touch people, i'm a touchy person, if i'm having a conversation with you... then i want a connection.. i want to know that you're in it, i want to know that you're with me, that you're tracking... touch is like insurance. it's different, and i need it... but late thursday night, alone in my house watching a movie... i wasn't even sure if i could lean on him... he didn't give me a go ahead, but he didn't stop me... i asked if it was okay... on the inside i just wanted him to hug me... to tell me that everything was going to pan out... that i hadn't made a mistake in wanting him to come here... but i didn't ask for it. i just assumed too much that night. i assumed he knew me, i assumed he knew what i needed, what i wanted to hear... but honestly, he didn't. he had never met me until 8 hours prior.. and i just wanted to feel anything.. anything but sub-par. i felt intimidated because he felt cold. but i didn't know him. i just wanted me to play with my hair and tell me to go to bed... but he didn't. i had was guilty of everything that i feared from him, i had filled in holes... i had put illegitimate pieces into a puzzle that i hadn' solved... and they didn't fit. i went to bed that night with an intense fear of friday, i spent hours lying in lolly's bed, praying... asking for answers... trying to sort out my own emotional attachments and needs, from what was reality. it was hard.
friday morning i heard my alarm go off, and i was still wide awake. lolly and beth didn't come home the night prior, or... much at all while Chris was here... i went to get eggs and bread... and i felt like i was playing house... playing a game with someone that i didn't even know.
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and now i have to go to bed
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