i had missed grant, it was good to see him. we sat outside at veterans for awhile... just chatting about different things... it was comfortable.
it was good to see chris interact with my friends, with grant, with caleb... even with kelsey - in her red skinny jeans. it was good. i watched chris a lot when he was here, i watched his face when controversial things were said, i watched him sprint with my dog in cooper creek, i watched him take insult after terrible insult from my father, sitting at the kitchen table, and he just took it... with humility and what looked like fear, i watched him roll his bag into the terminal... i guess you could say that i was observation mode as well. saturday night cohen called me, crying his eyes out. i talked to him for half an hour or so... trying to comfort him. but i didn't understand the ramifications of what he was enduring at the time. broken-hearted, i hung up the phone, and (after much deliberation) knocked on chris' door...
i woke him up, at 1230, almost 1 in the morning... i needed somebody, and no one else was home. he put his arms around me and told me that it was going to be okay.. that i couldn't do anything to fix it... and i believed him, i trusted him. we sat there for awhile, and then somehow or another we got onto the conversation of loving God, and being in love with who He is... Chris says that he wants to be in love with God, bu he's not... and that, ultimately, breaks me. i want him to experience the relationship i have with my Father, i want to understand fullness in being with Him... and while, i cannot say that he doesn't... i can see that he doesn't. that's big for me. i want him to see. i remember his blogs years ago... on this same subject, and so does he. i want things to be different, i want things to be radical. i want to experience a radical experience, some days... i just want to shake his analytical thoughts... but it's who he is. i don't know.. i have a lot of thoughts about this...
sunday, went really well.. and terrible.
i got up at 4 or 5.. climbed into his bed...
ferverously tried to wake him up, but he refused
"it's the day of rest"
which, while completely true... i mean, i was awake, i had showered... i had started my day, and he was behind. he wrestled me to the floor and was quite persistent in his decision to rest. i was at ease, i was off work, but i was excited for him to go to church, i wanted to see him worship. he didnt get up until 1045 or so... he just laid on my floor, making my puppy jealous. church went well, nothing too crazy happened, but the worship was good, and the sermon as well. after church we went for mexican with my family, and a few others... 21 people in total. i sat next to Chris, across from my parents. my father grilled him. i felt awkward, and i felt inept. i wanted to step in, i wanted to stop the madness, i could feel the stress, i could sense that this lunch wasn't normal... people weren't themselves. everyone was on edge, waiting for him to slip up. but he didn't... and that surprised them i think. after lunch we rented "the matrix" and went home to watch it... sunday afternoons are meant for naps, but the movie was good, no lie. i liked it. after the movie we lazed around a bit and then went to thedoor. grant talked about relationships, he talked about sex, he talked about mutual masturbation. it was good, grant did well. he made a few more silly comments than normal.. and you could tell he was a bit tense, but all in all, it was good stuff, it was meat. after thedoor we went with the usual group to cheddars... chris' fault. i wanted to go downtown and walk, but having not communicated that, we went to cheddars. dinner was good, it was fun...
i held lily for a bit after the service, and listened to chris play the guitar... i like him. i like that he makes music. every sunday night i hold children, and every sunday i leave wanting a baby, and this night wasn't any different. it's not because of Chris.. i don't think. but, i do legitimately want a baby, i want to be a mom, i want to be pregnant... and these desires are relatively new. lately i find myself reading up on homeschool vs public school... and children raised in foreign countries. i want to do that, Chris aside, i want to be involved in full-time ministry. i want to raise my children in an environment where they can see both side of the story, where they experience the good and the bad of ministry, and i pray that they come out better for it - as i feel that i have. i want to be that mom, i want to be an incredible mom.. and God tells me that i will be. God tells me not to worry about my system, that i'm going to have children, He has promised it. i'm excited... prematurely, yes. but excited is good i think.
regardless... on to monday...
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