Did you know that Natalie Grant was bulimic? Well, I didn't. This past weekend at that conference she was gave her testimony, it was awesome. But, I fell apart, I couldn't stop crying, I felt so "guilty-as-charged" I couldn't stop, tears were streaming down my face. An adult who was w/ us came over and wrapped me up in her arms, she started praying for me and quietly asked "Kaylin, is it about the food?" at that I crumbled. I just sat there as she began to weep and pray over me, we talked for a few minutes, she said that she had been so scared for me, that she saw my personality change and had known something was wrong... all I could think was
::::: am I really that transparent? :::::
The truth is I frequently stop eating, and when I do eat, I purge it.
I can't stand that feeling of being full, I can't stand that little lump on my stomach. Earlier this year I got down to below 100lbs. And at 5'5'' that's not a good thing. I started wearing sweats under my jeans and really big hoodies to hide it, I pasted on that plastic smile to look like everybody else. That's what everyone wants anyway right?
"Just smile and nod, hold your chin up and everything will be ok"
I just wanted to be beautiful, like everybody else... But I'm not, I'm not tan, or pretty or slender... I often feel like a girl in a guys body... six-pack and all. ugh. gross.
But I'd trade it in a second. For one day as any of my friends....
Now I just want to be real, just be me, but I can't. I don't even know who "me" is anymore, "me" was lost the day I knelt on that cold, hard, tile floor for the first time, and shoved my finger down my throat. For me, it was a control thing, I couldn't control anything in my life, my Dad's sick and in the bed all the time, our finances aren't there, and my parents are always arguing about money.... I hate that. I knew not eating wouldn't make it easier, but purging that food is like, a release mechanism. And in some twisted way, I liked it. I figured, I control my food, I control my weight... and so I did... I guess I'll have a great testimony one day.... But right now I feel so gross, so unworthy, so guilty.
I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
You see, this past month has been really hard, my parents are trying to get this new buisness off the ground, and everything was getting out-of-control. I guess you could say I had a "relapse" I don't even like typing that... like it's some kind of disease. But after this weekend, I think through God I've gotten over the bulk of this "thing", but it's going to be hard.
I went to church yesterday... pasted on the smile, and ate. I couldn't stand it, I can't stand the fact that now I don't even have the choice to get rid of it, it scares me to even think of throwing up my food now, but hurts to keep it all inside, idk.... I'm just twisted.
I'll be back on later maybe...
[peace]
-kaylin
::::: am I really that transparent? :::::
The truth is I frequently stop eating, and when I do eat, I purge it.
I can't stand that feeling of being full, I can't stand that little lump on my stomach. Earlier this year I got down to below 100lbs. And at 5'5'' that's not a good thing. I started wearing sweats under my jeans and really big hoodies to hide it, I pasted on that plastic smile to look like everybody else. That's what everyone wants anyway right?
"Just smile and nod, hold your chin up and everything will be ok"
I just wanted to be beautiful, like everybody else... But I'm not, I'm not tan, or pretty or slender... I often feel like a girl in a guys body... six-pack and all. ugh. gross.
But I'd trade it in a second. For one day as any of my friends....
Now I just want to be real, just be me, but I can't. I don't even know who "me" is anymore, "me" was lost the day I knelt on that cold, hard, tile floor for the first time, and shoved my finger down my throat. For me, it was a control thing, I couldn't control anything in my life, my Dad's sick and in the bed all the time, our finances aren't there, and my parents are always arguing about money.... I hate that. I knew not eating wouldn't make it easier, but purging that food is like, a release mechanism. And in some twisted way, I liked it. I figured, I control my food, I control my weight... and so I did... I guess I'll have a great testimony one day.... But right now I feel so gross, so unworthy, so guilty.
I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
You see, this past month has been really hard, my parents are trying to get this new buisness off the ground, and everything was getting out-of-control. I guess you could say I had a "relapse" I don't even like typing that... like it's some kind of disease. But after this weekend, I think through God I've gotten over the bulk of this "thing", but it's going to be hard.
I went to church yesterday... pasted on the smile, and ate. I couldn't stand it, I can't stand the fact that now I don't even have the choice to get rid of it, it scares me to even think of throwing up my food now, but hurts to keep it all inside, idk.... I'm just twisted.
I'll be back on later maybe...
[peace]
-kaylin
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