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i know this is supposed to be the start of the texas tales...

but i need to take an alternative route, a detour of sorts.  

i don't know how to write what i need to write about. honestly, i don't know how i said it, how i explained it...  i texted chris yesterday and told him that i didnt feel like he loved me... in essence.  i didn't feel beautiful when i was around him in texas... i didn't feel like i was any different than any other girl. 

i know deeply that chris loves me, that i am different, that he wants to marry me... but for some reason i just feel.... worthless around him, unimportant, an obligation... i know this isnt true, i know it... but it's hard, i don't understand why i feel this way... it's not supposed to be like this... we're supposed to fall in love, and that's supposed to be all that matters... i want it to be all that matters, i want to feel like i can take on the world...  i want to feel like someone adores me, without cost or contingency... this is hard.

my hearts hurts.

ive been crying

crying out to my father..

i want to be whole

i want to be in a place to receive love... 

i want to feel like chris isn't going to up and leave... 

i want to feel like he's moving here... for me

im babysitting right now.. but i intend on taking the night and just praying... talking things out.. sorting things out.  i know this is probably supposed to be "a process"... i know that it mot likely supposed to "take time"... but im over it, im done crying myself to sleep, im done feeling i can talk to anyone, im finished feeling guilty for talking to my boyfriend, im just... im done. 

when i talk to god about it... i dont know... on one hand, his heart is heavy for me... he wants dearly for me to walk in wholeness and pureness in him, he wants me to understand my value in its complete essence... he is in awe of me... and i know that, i feel that, i feel his love... 

on the other hand... we've been down this road before.

i know what it takes to walk the other way

i know what it means, and what i have to give up

its like killing part of yourself... over and over again

and everytime you go to fight, it's harder, and more painful

im sick of peeling back layers...

im tired of fighting this 

but know i can do it

i will do it

and its going to hurt...