Lately my page has become more of a "Kaylin's daily schedule", rather than a thoughts and emotions vent.
S0o here it goes.
I say I'm happy eating -and I am. But I don't want to eat, I still have this crazy, twisted desire to starve myself into thin air. Collar bone or bust. Ya know? I still feel the guilt when I take that first bite. I want my jeans to fall off again... so I have to wear sweatpants with them. I don't know if I'm hungry or not, I could not eat for 2 days and my stomach still wouldn't growl. I feel so shallow, emotionally and physically. Like not sick, but almost.
My latest thoughts have been battling back and forth in my head - to eat or not to eat. I know I have to eat. So not eating isn't an option.... but then again, not eating is an option - because hey, it is my life right? I should be able to control what happens in my life, to my body, right?
I'm worried. What if when I go off to college I stop eating and waste away. What if I can't take the pressures there and just give into myself? I'm sitting here thinking how stupid this sounds.
I'm Kaylin Stone. I have amazing willpower. I am so blessed to have been born into a family that knows and loves God. I'm a Christian. I have a 2-way relationship with God. I am anointed to play the piano. My fingers are God's instruments. I have a purpose. He has a plan.
Then why can't I pull myself together and quit whining?
idk.
twisted i tell ya, twisted.
peace.
.:kaylin:.
S0o here it goes.
I say I'm happy eating -and I am. But I don't want to eat, I still have this crazy, twisted desire to starve myself into thin air. Collar bone or bust. Ya know? I still feel the guilt when I take that first bite. I want my jeans to fall off again... so I have to wear sweatpants with them. I don't know if I'm hungry or not, I could not eat for 2 days and my stomach still wouldn't growl. I feel so shallow, emotionally and physically. Like not sick, but almost.
My latest thoughts have been battling back and forth in my head - to eat or not to eat. I know I have to eat. So not eating isn't an option.... but then again, not eating is an option - because hey, it is my life right? I should be able to control what happens in my life, to my body, right?
I'm worried. What if when I go off to college I stop eating and waste away. What if I can't take the pressures there and just give into myself? I'm sitting here thinking how stupid this sounds.
I'm Kaylin Stone. I have amazing willpower. I am so blessed to have been born into a family that knows and loves God. I'm a Christian. I have a 2-way relationship with God. I am anointed to play the piano. My fingers are God's instruments. I have a purpose. He has a plan.
Then why can't I pull myself together and quit whining?
idk.
twisted i tell ya, twisted.
peace.
.:kaylin:.
1 comment:
it's going to take time, sweetie! you're not going to just LOvE eating overnight. And as far as "collar bone or bust" you have to rely on God to help you....lean on Him! ASK HIM to help you WANT to eat. ASK HIM to help you NOT want to "starve yourself into thin air." He can help you! Don't allow satan to creep into your thoughts and make you THINK that you want that for your life. You're better than that Kaylin Stone! And you're so right...it is YOUR life...so TAKE CHARGE OF IT! Not by starving or purging but by not allowing satan to control your body. Take charge by telling yourself that you want to be HEALTHY so you have the strength to do the work that God has annointed you and called you to do. To stay healthy so you can live a long life serving the Lord! You can do it, Kaylin. I LOVE YOU TO PIECES!!!!
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