time to spill, and i dont know where to start...
topics, people, places, situations, services, prayers, attitudes, God, life, moods, love, andrew, compassion, menthols, food, australia, humbleness, bible, tattoo, falcon, aids, anna; evan andrew caleb steven, piercing, parents, b(r)others, family?, runaway, plaid, vintage, candles...
*deep breath*
and this is why i haven't been here recently
asher moved to texas... he moved. i didn't know that i even liked him much until he left. but now im sure of it... the only thing is? i dont want the american dream, i don't want a 401k plan or an early retirement, i want passion, and i want adventure.. i want my dream, i want to live my life out without plans, or agendas. and i feel like if i dated ash seriously, then i wouldn't have that. nothing against him, of course. and i dont even know for sure what he actually wants, i just feel like im not good for him, i think he needs stability. and i also think that he's still in love with an ex. nate is off the list... well, one list. he's been downgraded from cute indie boy to complete douche bag. micah still keeps in touch, which is sweet. while yeah, no. i dont like him... i do like him as a friend, and he knows that, and repects that. which gives me hope for humanity. andrew... oh andrew. im envious of you, and that is why i want to marry you. im envious of your heart, your motivations.. your family, your writing, your new thoughts... but evan's probably right.. we're most likely not that compatible, but at least now i have a good idea of a good guy that i could actually be attracted to.
the door is becoming more and more like my home. i don't even go on sunday morning, most weeks. downtown is different, grant is amazing, worship is lovely.. and i just feel like i belong there. kirby pulled me aside tonight, and told me that she understands me... she's been here. and i dont know, i mean, i dont know what to take from that. a friend? i would love a good friend... still processing this one.
grant's told me i need to make some new friends.. girls my age that build me up and challenge.. versus ones that take everything i have, the ones im constantly pouring my into, yet seemingly reap nothing. i love my friends, dont get me wrong. i just feel like im always the one on the consoling side.. im being drained... ever so slowly.
ive have big expectations for australia. i need rest.. emotionally. this trip is something im doing completely for myself, i mean yeah... it's missions, and i will be giving of myself to people i have absolutely no clue of.. but all in a learning manner. im literally going to the other side of the world guys. and i know with all of my heart that God wants me there. regardless of justin mccains stupid comment about how "australia is the popular place to be as of late"... He wants me there for a reason, so i intend on fulfilling it.
sending out support letters tomorrow, pray for favor my loves
things at home are a bit rocky.. i feel like my parents took all their frustration and hopelessness and pushed their efforts into this trip. like they've gone from getting a divorce to co-writing my support letter in one weeks flat.
a week or so ago i had a major blow-up. i've told most of you guys about the incident, but i need to blog this for time-line reasons. i basically sat at the end of my fathers bed, as he was arguing with me over something incredulously trivial... and informed him that i had a hard time taking any kind of advice or direction from a person that didn't even know me. i went into detail.. story after story... i poured myself out, letting him know that not only was i "not his 'little girl'" but that i was my own person, who's made her own decisions.. and needs to be let go of.
i really shouldn't have taken it as far as i did...
but it was just too late. i was so upset.
after all that went down, i picked up the keys and left... i spent the night off and returned in the morning... to a broken mother and a bitter father. divorce or separation was his agenda... if only he wasn't in a wheelchair, it probably would've happened.
i have a theory about their relationship,
but that's another blog altogether.
im trying to stay awake until 3... 3am is the point of the morning where i catch my second wind. it's also the point of the night where i can leave my house.. drive around for a bit, and then crash at starbucks. i love to drive.. driving is my jam
so goodnight for now guys
i love you all
topics, people, places, situations, services, prayers, attitudes, God, life, moods, love, andrew, compassion, menthols, food, australia, humbleness, bible, tattoo, falcon, aids, anna; evan andrew caleb steven, piercing, parents, b(r)others, family?, runaway, plaid, vintage, candles...
*deep breath*
and this is why i haven't been here recently
asher moved to texas... he moved. i didn't know that i even liked him much until he left. but now im sure of it... the only thing is? i dont want the american dream, i don't want a 401k plan or an early retirement, i want passion, and i want adventure.. i want my dream, i want to live my life out without plans, or agendas. and i feel like if i dated ash seriously, then i wouldn't have that. nothing against him, of course. and i dont even know for sure what he actually wants, i just feel like im not good for him, i think he needs stability. and i also think that he's still in love with an ex. nate is off the list... well, one list. he's been downgraded from cute indie boy to complete douche bag. micah still keeps in touch, which is sweet. while yeah, no. i dont like him... i do like him as a friend, and he knows that, and repects that. which gives me hope for humanity. andrew... oh andrew. im envious of you, and that is why i want to marry you. im envious of your heart, your motivations.. your family, your writing, your new thoughts... but evan's probably right.. we're most likely not that compatible, but at least now i have a good idea of a good guy that i could actually be attracted to.
the door is becoming more and more like my home. i don't even go on sunday morning, most weeks. downtown is different, grant is amazing, worship is lovely.. and i just feel like i belong there. kirby pulled me aside tonight, and told me that she understands me... she's been here. and i dont know, i mean, i dont know what to take from that. a friend? i would love a good friend... still processing this one.
grant's told me i need to make some new friends.. girls my age that build me up and challenge.. versus ones that take everything i have, the ones im constantly pouring my into, yet seemingly reap nothing. i love my friends, dont get me wrong. i just feel like im always the one on the consoling side.. im being drained... ever so slowly.
ive have big expectations for australia. i need rest.. emotionally. this trip is something im doing completely for myself, i mean yeah... it's missions, and i will be giving of myself to people i have absolutely no clue of.. but all in a learning manner. im literally going to the other side of the world guys. and i know with all of my heart that God wants me there. regardless of justin mccains stupid comment about how "australia is the popular place to be as of late"... He wants me there for a reason, so i intend on fulfilling it.
sending out support letters tomorrow, pray for favor my loves
things at home are a bit rocky.. i feel like my parents took all their frustration and hopelessness and pushed their efforts into this trip. like they've gone from getting a divorce to co-writing my support letter in one weeks flat.
a week or so ago i had a major blow-up. i've told most of you guys about the incident, but i need to blog this for time-line reasons. i basically sat at the end of my fathers bed, as he was arguing with me over something incredulously trivial... and informed him that i had a hard time taking any kind of advice or direction from a person that didn't even know me. i went into detail.. story after story... i poured myself out, letting him know that not only was i "not his 'little girl'" but that i was my own person, who's made her own decisions.. and needs to be let go of.
i really shouldn't have taken it as far as i did...
but it was just too late. i was so upset.
after all that went down, i picked up the keys and left... i spent the night off and returned in the morning... to a broken mother and a bitter father. divorce or separation was his agenda... if only he wasn't in a wheelchair, it probably would've happened.
i have a theory about their relationship,
but that's another blog altogether.
im trying to stay awake until 3... 3am is the point of the morning where i catch my second wind. it's also the point of the night where i can leave my house.. drive around for a bit, and then crash at starbucks. i love to drive.. driving is my jam
so goodnight for now guys
i love you all
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