A few hours ago I was seriously considering walking into Pastor Jason's office tomorrow and telling him I was going to stop playing the piano.
Not just stop lessons - but piano all together. I hate failing, I hate not being good enough. So I try my hardest and almost always succeed [i say almost because i can't type - or bowl]. Well over the past year or so I haven't gotten any better at playing... heck, I haven't even finished a song. I say I haven't practiced - but that's not true, I stand at that keyboard for hours working on the same measure, I keep telling myself "You must be doing something wrong" "Maybe if I pick a different song..." "Why can't I play that one stupid little measure???" "I've done this a million times before!!" etc etc etc.
And I don't know why. I hate it, as much as I love my lessons I hate walking in knowing that I'm not going to be able to play anything new. I hate not being able to be by myself and just spill my emotions out onto the keys... Piano was my outlet, I could sit in the sanctuary for hours playing... anything. It didn't matter what it was as long as it was in the same mood as I was. And now [quite suddenly] I can't do any of that... and I don't know why.
Anyways, having decided to quit I took a quick shower, and got into bed. Laid here for about an hour and a half and then realized I hadn't prayed at all today - much less read any. So I rolled over [very reluctantly I might add] and opened my mouth, "God..." and as soon as I did my eyes started to fill w/ tears.... I got chills all over. I sat up and I started to pray in tongues... for the longest time I just sat in my bed praying, not knowing what for.. or why, just praying. I finally closed my mouth and looked up.
"God, I'm here if you're looking for me... and I'm listening, you've broken me down to nothing, I'm empty - poured out all over my sheets. I don't have anything else... what could you possibly want?"
chills again.
If you know me you know I don't cry - unless necessary. But I couldn't stop, I wasn't even that upset, but tears were streaming down my face. Why don't I cry? you know? What's the matter w/ me, I know plenty of people who cry, and feel things, and have those awesome moments, and... idk, why not me?
Why don't I let myself open up and receive? Why isn't it okay for me to be exposed?
I've got all these unanswered questions... I feel like I can't relate to anybody - much less my own friends, I'm trying to help them w/ their guy problems, but on my end I'm hurting, I've got this constant ache inside me and I can't get rid of it. I don't know how. I'm supposed to be the one who "knows everything" man, I hate it when people say that about me.
I don't know how all this ties together.
And I don't know how it's going to end up.
I need help.
I don't know where to look, and I'd rather hide behind my makeup.
.peace.
ps, lately I've been praying about a current situation. God's been trying to tell me some things that allot of my friends aren't going to want to hear... unfortunately he didn't tell me who I was to tell, or vice versa, pray for me.
Not just stop lessons - but piano all together. I hate failing, I hate not being good enough. So I try my hardest and almost always succeed [i say almost because i can't type - or bowl]. Well over the past year or so I haven't gotten any better at playing... heck, I haven't even finished a song. I say I haven't practiced - but that's not true, I stand at that keyboard for hours working on the same measure, I keep telling myself "You must be doing something wrong" "Maybe if I pick a different song..." "Why can't I play that one stupid little measure???" "I've done this a million times before!!" etc etc etc.
And I don't know why. I hate it, as much as I love my lessons I hate walking in knowing that I'm not going to be able to play anything new. I hate not being able to be by myself and just spill my emotions out onto the keys... Piano was my outlet, I could sit in the sanctuary for hours playing... anything. It didn't matter what it was as long as it was in the same mood as I was. And now [quite suddenly] I can't do any of that... and I don't know why.
Anyways, having decided to quit I took a quick shower, and got into bed. Laid here for about an hour and a half and then realized I hadn't prayed at all today - much less read any. So I rolled over [very reluctantly I might add] and opened my mouth, "God..." and as soon as I did my eyes started to fill w/ tears.... I got chills all over. I sat up and I started to pray in tongues... for the longest time I just sat in my bed praying, not knowing what for.. or why, just praying. I finally closed my mouth and looked up.
"God, I'm here if you're looking for me... and I'm listening, you've broken me down to nothing, I'm empty - poured out all over my sheets. I don't have anything else... what could you possibly want?"
chills again.
If you know me you know I don't cry - unless necessary. But I couldn't stop, I wasn't even that upset, but tears were streaming down my face. Why don't I cry? you know? What's the matter w/ me, I know plenty of people who cry, and feel things, and have those awesome moments, and... idk, why not me?
Why don't I let myself open up and receive? Why isn't it okay for me to be exposed?
I've got all these unanswered questions... I feel like I can't relate to anybody - much less my own friends, I'm trying to help them w/ their guy problems, but on my end I'm hurting, I've got this constant ache inside me and I can't get rid of it. I don't know how. I'm supposed to be the one who "knows everything" man, I hate it when people say that about me.
I don't know how all this ties together.
And I don't know how it's going to end up.
I need help.
I don't know where to look, and I'd rather hide behind my makeup.
.peace.
ps, lately I've been praying about a current situation. God's been trying to tell me some things that allot of my friends aren't going to want to hear... unfortunately he didn't tell me who I was to tell, or vice versa, pray for me.
1 comment:
Sounds to me like piano has lost its luster for you. Things that you love tend to do that when things aren't going well. Maybe you do need to get away from piano for a little bit, but I'd hope you wouldn't give it up completely.
Just because you can't wrap your head around one little measure in one song doesn't mean that you should abandon all the stuff you DO know...stuff that can touch people (people who don't care about one stupid measure). Take a break if you can, but I think perhaps the tears are a way of letting you know that giving it all up isn't the way to go.
You said, "I know plenty of people who cry, and feel things, and have those awesome moments, and... idk, why not me?"
You definitely felt something. You cried. Perhaps that awesome moment will come with a better understanding of why it happened. You're special, no doubt, but no different than thousands of other believer's who are feeling the same thing right now. There are answers; be confident in that.
..and don't hide behind the makeup. Happiness lies within the beauty of simplicity and honesty.
I don't know if you've heard "A little more" by Skillet, but I just listened to it, and it kinda reminded me of you.
Prayin' for you Blu...
Peace
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