thursday
11.15.2007
on a a "lighter note"...
my week's been quite heavy.
the morning after i sent my last message michelle called and told my parents everything. she even went as far as to print exerts from my blog to give to them. i know she only did it because she was worried, and she cares about me... but she had promised she would tell me, before she told anyone. give me a heads up ya know?
she neglected to do so. which i was a little upset about.
but not much, so far i've held together. i'm not angry at her.
my parents freaked. suddenly their perfect daughter had a flaw, a major one. and not only did she have a problem... but she'd had it for years and they hadn't noticed. of course, the questions were raised "what have we done wrong" and "how could we not have seen?" well ya know what? it's not about them. it's about me - as selfish as that sounds. maybe if they could look at me as a person, and not as "their daughter" it might be easier to relate.
so to keep on with the story, after we met michelle for lunch to "sort everything out" my parents and i had a meeting with my senior pastor... to get his opinion, but also to keep any rumors from spreading... wouldn't want to ruin our image now would we. *eye roll* my parents will never trust me again. But yeah.. then we met with pastor jason... and so on.
tuesday night i had christmas production practice... pj directs, and michelle has the lead. needless to say - it was a fun night... *sarcasm*
i woke up wednesday morning emotionally drained... not from crying my eyes out (like michelle) but rather the opposite. it's quite tough to maintain composure while your world is seemingly being torn apart by people who "love you". i hadn't cried a drop though. i convinced my parents that michelle was totally elaborating and over-reacting, it was just some simple experimentation. you know? all girls have done it.
and they believe me, to a point.
i spent most of wednesday listening to my ipod and ignoring the world. wednesday night i got to church a little early... first person i see is michelle... her whole face swollen and eyes watery.
m: this has been a rough two days
k: huh..? two?
m: have you talked to jason today?
k: no... why? what's going on?
m: nothing
k: liar
m: kaylin, i can't tell you...
i can't believe he hasn't talked to you already
i was so upset, i had all these emotions running around..
but in my spirit i knew what was happening. i had known for awhile.
then i went downstairs, to the youth room. first person i see is my youth pastor. i gave him a "why yes, i am upset" look... so he put arm around me
pt: i know whats wrong with you
but change happens baby girl...
i was worried about you. it's okay
k: what are you talking about?
*his facial expression changed, from sympathy
to "oh-no-she-doesn't-know-yet*
k: *quizzical look*
about this time, youth was starting... we had to get in there. after youth -- which is a whole nother story -- i went upstairs to choir. pastor jason ended early and did announcements... then he got a very serious expression on his face, and the whole room got quiet... and still.
he went on to say he'd felt a change lately... and started praying and really seeking God... he'd been offered and accepted a position in iowa. i mean, he said allot of other stuff, some sappy, reflective, etc. but the whole time he never even looked at me. which is kinda hard to do since i sit on the front row - dead center.
he wouldn't even catch my eye. but I showed no emotion -- i think, having my control mechanism virtually ripped out of my hands the day before, i'd adopted withdrawal as a temporary replacement. as soon as he finished he prayed and dismissed. i put my books up and walked to the door.
michelle caught my arm,
"kaylin.. don't do this. don't shut down."
i pushed past her, said goodnight, and went home.
pj called me this morning, apologizing for not telling me.
yeah... i'm sorry too.
i went up to the church to talk to him today.. but instead i ended up just hanging out and joking around, because kyle (the drummer boy) showed up the same time i did.
i feel so spent.
and i hate food.
and i could keep typing...
but i think you get the jist.
on a lighter note - how're you doing?
11.15.2007
on a a "lighter note"...
my week's been quite heavy.
the morning after i sent my last message michelle called and told my parents everything. she even went as far as to print exerts from my blog to give to them. i know she only did it because she was worried, and she cares about me... but she had promised she would tell me, before she told anyone. give me a heads up ya know?
she neglected to do so. which i was a little upset about.
but not much, so far i've held together. i'm not angry at her.
my parents freaked. suddenly their perfect daughter had a flaw, a major one. and not only did she have a problem... but she'd had it for years and they hadn't noticed. of course, the questions were raised "what have we done wrong" and "how could we not have seen?" well ya know what? it's not about them. it's about me - as selfish as that sounds. maybe if they could look at me as a person, and not as "their daughter" it might be easier to relate.
so to keep on with the story, after we met michelle for lunch to "sort everything out" my parents and i had a meeting with my senior pastor... to get his opinion, but also to keep any rumors from spreading... wouldn't want to ruin our image now would we. *eye roll* my parents will never trust me again. But yeah.. then we met with pastor jason... and so on.
tuesday night i had christmas production practice... pj directs, and michelle has the lead. needless to say - it was a fun night... *sarcasm*
i woke up wednesday morning emotionally drained... not from crying my eyes out (like michelle) but rather the opposite. it's quite tough to maintain composure while your world is seemingly being torn apart by people who "love you". i hadn't cried a drop though. i convinced my parents that michelle was totally elaborating and over-reacting, it was just some simple experimentation. you know? all girls have done it.
and they believe me, to a point.
i spent most of wednesday listening to my ipod and ignoring the world. wednesday night i got to church a little early... first person i see is michelle... her whole face swollen and eyes watery.
m: this has been a rough two days
k: huh..? two?
m: have you talked to jason today?
k: no... why? what's going on?
m: nothing
k: liar
m: kaylin, i can't tell you...
i can't believe he hasn't talked to you already
i was so upset, i had all these emotions running around..
but in my spirit i knew what was happening. i had known for awhile.
then i went downstairs, to the youth room. first person i see is my youth pastor. i gave him a "why yes, i am upset" look... so he put arm around me
pt: i know whats wrong with you
but change happens baby girl...
i was worried about you. it's okay
k: what are you talking about?
*his facial expression changed, from sympathy
to "oh-no-she-doesn't-know-yet*
k: *quizzical look*
about this time, youth was starting... we had to get in there. after youth -- which is a whole nother story -- i went upstairs to choir. pastor jason ended early and did announcements... then he got a very serious expression on his face, and the whole room got quiet... and still.
he went on to say he'd felt a change lately... and started praying and really seeking God... he'd been offered and accepted a position in iowa. i mean, he said allot of other stuff, some sappy, reflective, etc. but the whole time he never even looked at me. which is kinda hard to do since i sit on the front row - dead center.
he wouldn't even catch my eye. but I showed no emotion -- i think, having my control mechanism virtually ripped out of my hands the day before, i'd adopted withdrawal as a temporary replacement. as soon as he finished he prayed and dismissed. i put my books up and walked to the door.
michelle caught my arm,
"kaylin.. don't do this. don't shut down."
i pushed past her, said goodnight, and went home.
pj called me this morning, apologizing for not telling me.
yeah... i'm sorry too.
i went up to the church to talk to him today.. but instead i ended up just hanging out and joking around, because kyle (the drummer boy) showed up the same time i did.
i feel so spent.
and i hate food.
and i could keep typing...
but i think you get the jist.
on a lighter note - how're you doing?
3 comments:
I remember this day. Hard to believe it's been a year...
yeah.. i know
wow...i actually saw the encounter b/w you and michelle in the hallway--i just assumed you already knew about jason. i didn't realize it coincided so closely with the parental confrontation.
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