so i quit smoking today
i was flying down 185.. and threw my last pack out of the car... im done for now. im sick of the guilty feeling, and im sick of getting bashed. but mainly, i just feel like im using it as an escape.. a quick mind-clearer. im an idiot. i'll probably pick it up again (at a legal age) but, it wont be the same. right now; i smoke whatever. any cigarette i could get my hands on... a pack a day when stressed. i wouldnt mind a pack a week... or even just the "social smoking". i enjoy it.
insert vent.. here
im sick of people telling me who i am... i cant be defined but what kind of cigarettes i smoke.. or the size of my jeans. it really gets under my skin when people try to put me in a box; look me and up and down, and tell me what, or who.. i am. i am not just a "smart kid".. im not that "homeschooled christian girl", nor am i the "wannabe rebel". im just trying to figure things out. seriously, i cant think of myself that way.. i cant label myself. i have a complex with making myself out to be someone im not. im insecure with who i am because i dont know who i am. so, when people try to define me by the way i walk.. or my sarcastic comments, or even just how i answer the drivethru. it really makes me think... i mean, i dont want someone else to pick me apart and choose my faults.. my baggage, my stupid choices.. and use that as my definition.
i feel like im a walking contradiction,
and an easy target
i was flying down 185.. and threw my last pack out of the car... im done for now. im sick of the guilty feeling, and im sick of getting bashed. but mainly, i just feel like im using it as an escape.. a quick mind-clearer. im an idiot. i'll probably pick it up again (at a legal age) but, it wont be the same. right now; i smoke whatever. any cigarette i could get my hands on... a pack a day when stressed. i wouldnt mind a pack a week... or even just the "social smoking". i enjoy it.
insert vent.. here
im sick of people telling me who i am... i cant be defined but what kind of cigarettes i smoke.. or the size of my jeans. it really gets under my skin when people try to put me in a box; look me and up and down, and tell me what, or who.. i am. i am not just a "smart kid".. im not that "homeschooled christian girl", nor am i the "wannabe rebel". im just trying to figure things out. seriously, i cant think of myself that way.. i cant label myself. i have a complex with making myself out to be someone im not. im insecure with who i am because i dont know who i am. so, when people try to define me by the way i walk.. or my sarcastic comments, or even just how i answer the drivethru. it really makes me think... i mean, i dont want someone else to pick me apart and choose my faults.. my baggage, my stupid choices.. and use that as my definition.
i feel like im a walking contradiction,
and an easy target
1 comment:
We've always been about classifying things. From our earliest moments, we start putting things into categories. Especially in a society that's full of sound-bytes, 30-second ads, and drive thru's, people want to be able to put you in a box by what you show on the outside.
But we are deep people, Kaylin. You are a deep person, and digging through the depths of ourselves is not easy, particularly when the world keeps reminding us of what is on the surface.
I'm proud of you for being done with smoking for now (not so much for littering :-p). Get in the habit of running to Christ when you need a "quick mind-clearer." Run to the Word when you need perspective. Run to your closest friends when you hit a hard spot deep inside yourself. We're here.
I think we are all walking contradictions to some degree. Some just choose to hide that very well. I think we are all easy targets, but some have just hardened their heart to where it's tough to anything to hit home.
You're doing great; just keep walking...
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