i should blog about various things. i should be able to sit still and type about my own life for about 5 minutes... yet here i am, wordless yet again. i go through phases.
i should study for my biology final, i have a study guide, and a test outline. i should be able to turn off my phone, close the laptop, and have enough discipline to ace this test. yet here i am, not studying. i bet i haven't ever studied for an hour straight... ever. not even an hour.
i should tell nate that im not going to sleep with him. yet for some reason, i have this stupid control issue where i choose to lead him on. i have an attention problem. i dont mind kissing him.. but when he goes for the belt i always manage to come up with an excuse. i dont mind talking to him about life.. watching him smoke and ponder religious matters. i dont mind looking at his cute little face and i really dont mind when he massages my back and kisses my forehead. but im not going to sleep with him. i have an acceptance problem. i have a fairly unconscious worry that if i tell him that i dont want his penis inside of me - ever, then he will in turn disregard me. i feel hypocritical. if any of my friends were in this situation i would tell them, quite honestly; that it's not right.
i had a debate with an acquaintance the other day about homosexuality. he had just come "out of the closet" and was basically saying that God didn't care who we loved, as long as we loved. and i couldn't agree with him. we talked for a good 4 hours.. the whole time i kept wanting to stop, to end the discussion. but he kept pushing, squeezing the truth out of me.. he told me it was completely hypothetical, he promised he wouldnt be offended. he said he just wanted to my opinion.. i listened to his, and gave mine. and i thought we left a fairly good note. agree to disagree he said.. and i had to agree.
yesterday i got a facebook message from this boy, he's hurt, severely offended. it upsets me, i feel like i've been set up, and shot down. i was under the impression that he wanted me to be honest, and i was. i was incredibly transparent, even admitting my own sins, and their caliber. i was naive to trust him, someone i dont know well enough.
"It's people like you, ma'am, that give Christians a bad name.
My God is all about love. I am a Christian and I love God.
I do not take everything in the Bible literally.
... just some thoughts."
i cried when i read his message, i was angry. i was upset. it upsets me that he feels this way.. and it makes me mad that he pulled everything i know as truth.. he condensed my beliefs and brushed them off as "narrow-minded" and "ignorant". you guys know me, i constantly strive to understand other people, i want to know what other people hold on to as truth. regardless of whether he sent this out of conviction, and sadness. or anger, and arrogance. it upsets me.. im trying to love people, i love tyler. but apparently i dont do a good enough job conveying that.
i should study for my biology final, i have a study guide, and a test outline. i should be able to turn off my phone, close the laptop, and have enough discipline to ace this test. yet here i am, not studying. i bet i haven't ever studied for an hour straight... ever. not even an hour.
i should tell nate that im not going to sleep with him. yet for some reason, i have this stupid control issue where i choose to lead him on. i have an attention problem. i dont mind kissing him.. but when he goes for the belt i always manage to come up with an excuse. i dont mind talking to him about life.. watching him smoke and ponder religious matters. i dont mind looking at his cute little face and i really dont mind when he massages my back and kisses my forehead. but im not going to sleep with him. i have an acceptance problem. i have a fairly unconscious worry that if i tell him that i dont want his penis inside of me - ever, then he will in turn disregard me. i feel hypocritical. if any of my friends were in this situation i would tell them, quite honestly; that it's not right.
i had a debate with an acquaintance the other day about homosexuality. he had just come "out of the closet" and was basically saying that God didn't care who we loved, as long as we loved. and i couldn't agree with him. we talked for a good 4 hours.. the whole time i kept wanting to stop, to end the discussion. but he kept pushing, squeezing the truth out of me.. he told me it was completely hypothetical, he promised he wouldnt be offended. he said he just wanted to my opinion.. i listened to his, and gave mine. and i thought we left a fairly good note. agree to disagree he said.. and i had to agree.
yesterday i got a facebook message from this boy, he's hurt, severely offended. it upsets me, i feel like i've been set up, and shot down. i was under the impression that he wanted me to be honest, and i was. i was incredibly transparent, even admitting my own sins, and their caliber. i was naive to trust him, someone i dont know well enough.
"It's people like you, ma'am, that give Christians a bad name.
My God is all about love. I am a Christian and I love God.
I do not take everything in the Bible literally.
... just some thoughts."
i cried when i read his message, i was angry. i was upset. it upsets me that he feels this way.. and it makes me mad that he pulled everything i know as truth.. he condensed my beliefs and brushed them off as "narrow-minded" and "ignorant". you guys know me, i constantly strive to understand other people, i want to know what other people hold on to as truth. regardless of whether he sent this out of conviction, and sadness. or anger, and arrogance. it upsets me.. im trying to love people, i love tyler. but apparently i dont do a good enough job conveying that.
1 comment:
ditch nate. the rule of predator and prey is that when a predator pursues long enough, he'll always get his prey...especially if the prey is already in his paws. run!
in the past year, i've been told on many occasions that i'm judgmental, that i commit moral blackmail, and that i'm a terrible pastor. welcome to the world of truth and grace. what tyler's really looking for is compassion that loves when it doesn't agree.
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